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A CONNECTICUT YANKEE
IN
KING ARTHUR'S COURT
BY
MARK TWAIN
NEW YORK AND LONDON
HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS
"Un-
UNIFORM EDITION OF
MARK TWAIN'S WORKS
Red Cloth. Crown 8vo.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE. Illustrated. $i-75
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LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI. Illustrated. 1.75
THE MAN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG,
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THE $30,000 BEQUEST, Etc. Illustrated. 1.75
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A TRAMP ABROAD. Illustrated. 2.00
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FOLLOWING THE EQJAVOR. Illustrated. 2.00
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In Half Leather, $1.25 pec volume extra
Other Books by Mark Twain
EXTRACTS FROM ADAM'S DIARY. Illustrated. $
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A DOG'S TALE. Illustrated. i.oo
THE JUMPING FROG Illustrated.
How TO TELL A STORY, Etc.
A DOUBLE-BARRELLED DETECTIVE STORY.
Illustrated.
Copyright, 1889, by S. L. CLEMENS.
All rights reserved.
Ai
In compliance with current copyright
law, U. C. Library Bindery produced
this replacement volume on paper
that meets the ANSI Standard Z39.48
1984 to replace the irreparably
deteriorated original
1996
CONTENTS
FAGS
Preface . ix
A WORD OF EXPLANATION
CHAPTER I
Camelot 9
CHAPTER II
King Arthur's Court 12
CHAPTER III
Knights of the Table Round 20
CHAPTER IV
Sir Dinadan the Humorist 28
CHAPTER V
An Inspiration 32
CHAPTER VI
The Eclipse 39
CHAPTER VII
Merlin's Tower 48
CHAPTER VIII
The Boss 56
CHAPTER IX
The Tournament 64
iv
CHAPTER X PAGE
Beginnings of Civilization 71
CHAPTER XI
The Yankee in Search of Adventures ...» 77
CHAPTER XII
Slow Torture 87
CHAPTER XIII
Freemen ! 93
CHAPTER XIV
"Defend Thee, Lord!" 104
CHAPTER XV
Sandy's Tale 109
CHAPTER XVI
Morgan le Fay 120
CHAPTER XVII
A Royal Banquet 129
CHAPTER XVIII
In the Queen's Dungeons 141
CHAPTER XIX
Knight Errantry as a Trade 155
CHAPTER XX
The Ogre's Castle 160
CHAPTER XXI
The Pilgrims 169
CHAPTER XXII
The Holy Fountain 185
CHAPTER XXIII
Restoration of the Fountain 199
CHAPTER XXIV PAGB
A Rival Magician 210
CHAPTER XXV
A Competitive Examination 224
CHAPTER XXVI
The First Newspaper 240 •
CHAPTER XXVII
The Yankee and the King Travel Incognito 253
CHAPTER XXVIII
Drilling the King 264
CHAPTER XXIX
The Small-Pox Hut 270
CHAPTER XXX
The Tragedy of the Manor-House 278
CHAPTER XXXI
Marco 291
CHAPTER XXXII
Dowley's Humiliation 300
CHAPTER XXXIII
Sixth Century Political Economy 309
CHAPTER XXXIV
The Yankee and the King Sold as Slaves 324
CHAPTER XXXV
A Pitiful Incident 339
CHAPTER XXXVI
An Encounter in the Dark 348
CHAPTER XXXVII
An Awful Predicament 353
vi
CHAPTER XXXW1I
Sir Launcelot and Knights to the Rescue 363
CHAPTER XXXIX
The Yankee's Fight with the Knights 367
CHAPTER XL
CHAPTER XLI
CHAPTER XLII
Three Years Later _o
The Interdict 3go
CHAPTER XLIII
The Battle of the Sand-Belt
396
411
CHAPTER XLIV
A Postscript by Clarence < 428
Final P. S. by M. T 43I
ILLUSTRATIONS
"l SAW HE MEANT BUSINESS" .... Frontispiece
THE KING ............ Facing page 44
"THERE WAS NO SOAP, NO MATCHES, NO
LOOKING-GLASS" ........ " 50
"INHERITED IDEAS ARE A CURIOUS THING'' 60
" 'GREAT SCOTT! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND A
LITTLE THING LIKE THAT?'". ... * 80
"SHE CONTINUED TO FETCH AND POUR
UNTIL I WAS WELL SOAKED". ... 90
"THEY CAME IN A BODY, THEY CAME WITH
A WHIRR" .......... 106
" WE WERE CHALLENGED BY THE WARDERS,
AND AFTER PARLEY ADMITTED" . . 124
KING URIENS .......... 126
" * THEN SIR MARHAUS RAN TO THE DUKE,
AND SMOTE HIM WITH HIS SPEAR'" . I$6
'"THERE ARE WAYS TO PERSUADE HIM TO
"SANDY WAS WORN OUT WITH NURSING'' . 212
"'NEXT!'" ........... " 228
"'HAST SEEN SIR LAUXCELOT ABOUT?'" . 242
SOLID COMFORT .......... 25°
"TO THE GENTLEMAN HE WAS ABJECT " . Facing page 292
THE FEAST ... «
. . 304
"i AM FOR PROTECTION!" « 3IO
KNIGHTS PRACTISING ON THE QUIET . . " 364
"GREAT SCOTT! BUT THERE WAS A SENSA-
T10N" 374
"so WE TOOK A MAN-OF-WAR" .... » 388
SIR MORDRED « 3^g
"THE SUN STRUCK THE SEA OF ARMOR
AND SET IT ALL AFLASH " .... " 4I6
HIGH CHURCH «
PREFACE
THE ungentle laws and customs touched upon in
this tale are historical, and the episodes which are
used to illustrate them are also historical. It is not
pretended that these laws and customs existed in
England in the sixth century ; no, it is only pretended
that inasmuch as they existed in the English and
other civilizations of far later times, it is safe to con
sider that it is no libel upon the sixth century to sup
pose them to have been in practice in that day also.
One is quite justified in inferring that whatever one
of these laws or customs was lacking in that remote
time, its place was competently filled by a worse one.
The question as to whether there is such a thing as
divine right of kings is not settled in this book. It
was found too difficult. That the executive head of
a nation should be a person of lofty character and ex
traordinary ability, was manifest and indisputable ;
that none but the Deity could select that head unerr
ingly, was also manifest and indisputable ; that the
Deity ought to make that selection, then, was likewise
manifest and indisputable ; consequently, that He
does make it, as claimed, was an unavoidable deduc
tion. I mean, until the author of this book encountered
the Pompadour, and Lady Castlemaine and some
other executive heads of that kind ; these were found
so difficult to work into the scheme, that it was judged
better to take the other tack in this book, (which must
be issued this fall,) and then go into training and set
tle the question in another book. It is of course a
thing which ought to be settled, and I am not going
to have anything particular to do next winter anyway 0
MARK TWAIN.
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A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN
KING ARTHUR'S COURT
A WORD OF EXPLANATION
IT was in Warwick Castle that I came across the
curious stranger whom I am going to talk about. He
attracted me by three things : his candid simplicity,
his marvelous familiarity with ancient armor, and the
restfulness of his company — for he did all the talking.
We fell together, as modest people will, in the tail of
the herd that was being shown through, and he at
once began to say things which interested me. As
he talked along, softly, pleasantly, flowingly, he seemed
to drift away imperceptibly out of this world and
time, and into some remote era and old forgotten
country ; and so he gradually wove such a spell about
me that I seemed to move among the spectres and
shadows and dust and mold of a gray antiquity, hold
ing speech with a relic of it! Exactly as I would
speak of my nearest personal friends or enemies, or
my most familiar neighbors, he spoke of Sir Bedivere,
Sir Bors de Ganis, Sir Launcelot of the Lake, Sir
Galahad, and all the other great names of the Table
Round — and how old, old, unspeakably old and faded
I CY
and dry and musty and ancient he came to look as he
went on! Presently he turned to me and said, just
as one might speak of ihe weather, or any other com
mon matter —
" You know about transmigration of souls ; do you
know about transposition of epochs — and bodies?"
I said I had not heard of it. He was so little inter
ested — just as when people speak of the weather — that
he did not notice whether I made him any answer or
not. There was half a moment of silence, immediately
interrupted by the droning voice of the salaried cice
rone:
" Ancient hauberk, date of the sixth century, time
of King Arthur and the Round Table ; said to have
belonged to the knight Sir Sagramor le Desirous ; ob
serve the round hole through the chain-mail in the
left breast ; can't be accounted for ; supposed to have
been done with a bullet since invention of firearms —
perhaps maliciously by Cromwell's soldiers."
My acquaintance smiled — not a modern smile, but
one that must have gone out of general use many,
many centuries ago — and muttered apparently to him
self:
" Wit ye well, / saw it done" Then, after a pause,
added : " I did it myself."
By the time I had recovered from the electric sur
prise of this remark, he was gone.
All that evening I sat by my fire at the Warwick
Arms, steeped in a dream of the olden time, while the
rain beat upon the windows, and the wind roared
about the eaves and corners. From time to time I
dipped into old Sir Thomas Malory's enchanting book,
and fed at its rich feast of prodigies and adventures,
breathed in the fragrance of its obsolete names, and
dreamed again. Midnight being come at length, I
read another tale, for a night-cap — this which here fol
lows, to wit :
HOW SIR LAUNCELOT SLEW TWO GIANTS, AND
MADE A CASTLE FREE
Anon withal came there upon him two great giants, well
armed, all save the heads, with two horrible clubs in their
hands. Sir Launcelot put his shield afore him, and put the
stroke away of the one giant, and with his sword he clave his
head asunder. When his fellow saw that, he ran away as he
were wood,* for fear of the horrible strokes, and Sir Launcelot
after him with all his might, and smote him on the shoulder,
and clave him to the middle. Then Sir Launcelot went into
the hall, and there came afore him three score ladies and dam
sels, and all kneeled unto him, and thanked God and him of
their deliverance. For, sir, said they, the most part of us have
been here this seven year their prisoners, and we have worked
all manner of silk works for our meat, and we are all great
gentlewomen born, and blessed be the time, knight, that ever
thou wert born ; for thou hast done the most worship that
ever did knight in the world, that will we bear record, and we
all pray you to tell us your name, that we may tell our friends
who delivered us out of prison. Fair damsels, he said, my
name is Sir Launcelot du Lake. And so he departed from
them and betaught them unto God. And then he mounted
upon his horse, and rode into many strange and wild countries,
and through many waters and valleys, and evil was he lodged.
And at the last by fortune him happened against a night to come
to a fair courtilage, and therein he found an old gentlewoman
that lodged him with a good-will, and there he had good cheer
for him and his horse. And when time was, his host brought
him into a fair garret over the gate to his bed. There Sir
Launcelot unarmed him, and set his harness by him, and went
* Demented
to oed, and anon he fell on sleep. So, soon after there came
one on horseback, and knocked at the gate in great haste.
And when Sir Launcelot heard this he rose up, and looked
out at the window, and saw by the moonlight three knights
come riding after that one man, and all three lashed on him
at once with swords, and that one knight turned on them
knightly again and defended him. Truly, said Sir Launcelot,
yonder one knight shall I help, for it were shame for me to
see three knights on one, and if he be slain I am partner of
his death. And therewith he took his harness and went out
at a window by a sheet down to the four knights, and then Sir
Launcelot said on high, Turn you knights unto me, and leave
your fighting witn that knight. And then they all three left
Sir Kay, and turned unto Sir Launcelot, and there began great
battle, for they alight all three, and strake many strokes at
Sir Launcelot, and assailed him on every side. Then Sir Kay
dressed him for to have holpen Sir Launcelot. Nay, sir, said
he, I will none of your help, therefore as ye will have my help
let me alone with them. Sir Kay for the pleasure of the knight
suffered him for to do his will, and so stood aside. And then
anon within six strokes Sir Launcelot had stricken them to the
earth.
And then they all three cried, Sir knight, we yield us unto
you as man of might matchless. As to that, said Sir Launce
lot, I will not take your yielding unto me, but sp that ye yield
you unto Sir Kay the seneschal, on that covenant I will save
your lives and else not. Fair knight, said they, that were we
loath to do ; for as for Sir Kay we chased him hither, and had
overcome him had ye not been ; therefore, to yield" us unto
him it were no reason. Well, as to that, said Sir Launcelot,
advise you well, for ye may choose whether ye will die or live,
for an ye be yielden, it shall be unto Sir Kay. Fair knight,
then they said, in saving our lives we will do as thou com-
mandest us. Then shall ye, said Sir Launcelot, on Whitsunday
next coming go unto the court of King Arthur, and there shall
ye yield you unto Queen Guenever, and put you all three in
her grace and mercy, and say that Sir Kay sent you thither to
be her prisoners. On the morn Sir Launcelot arose early, and
left Sir Kay sleeping : and Sir Launcelot took Sir Kay's armor
and his shield and armed him, and so he went to the stable
and took his horse, and took his leave of his host, and so he de
parted. Then soon after arose Sir Kay and missed Sir Launce-
lot : and then he espied that he had his armor and his horse.
Now by my faith I know well that he will grieve some of the
court of King Arthur: for on him knights will be bold, and
deem that it is I, and that will beguile them ; and because of
his armor and shield I am sure I shall ride in peace. And
then soon after departed Sir Kay, and thanked his host.
As I laid the book down there was a knock at the
door, and my stranger came in. I gave him a pipe
and a chair, and made him welcome. I also com
forted him with a hot Scotch whiskey ; gave him an
other one ; then still another — hoping always for his
story. After a fourth persuader, he drifted into it
himself, in a quite simple and natural way :
THE STRANGER'S HISTORY
I am an American. I was born and reared in Hart
ford, in the State of Connecticut — anyway, just over
the river, in the country. So I am a Yankee of the
Yankees — and practical : yes, and nearly barren of
'sentiment, I suppose — or poetry, in other words. My
father was a blacksmith, my uncle was a horse doctor,
and I was both, along at first. Then I went over to
the great arms factory and learned my real trade ;
learned all there was to it ; learned to make every
thing : guns, revolvers, cannon, boilers, engines, all
sorts of labor-saving machinery. Why, I could make
anything a body wanted — anything in the world, it
didn't make any difference what ; and if there wasn't
any quick new-fangled way to make a thing, I could
aCY
invent one — and do it as easy as rolling. off a log. 1
became head superintendent ; had a couple of thou
sand men under me. '
Well, a man like that is a man that is full of fight —
that goes without saying. With a couple -of thousand
rough men under one, one has plenty of that sort of
amusement. I had, anyway. At last I met my match,
and I got my dose. It was during a misunderstanding
conducted with crowbars with a fellow we used to call
Hercules. He laid me out with a crusher alongside the
head that made everything crack, and seemed to spring
every joint in my skull and made it overlap its neigh
bor. Then the world went out in darkness, and I
didn't feel anything more, and didn't know anything
at all — at least for a while.
When I came to again, I was sitting under an oak
tree, on the grass, with a whole beautiful and broad
country landscape all to myself — nearly. Not entirely ;
for there was a fellow on a horse, looking down at me
— a fellow fresh out of a picture-book. He was in old-
time iron armor from head to heel, with a helmet on
his head the shape of a nail-keg with slits in it ; and
he had a shield, and a sword, and a prodigious spear ;
and his horse had armor on, too, and a steel horn pro
jecting from his forehead, and gorgeous red and green
silk trappings that hung down all around him like a
bed-quilt, nearly to the ground.
" Fair sir, will ye just?" said this fellow.
"Will I which?"
" Will ye try a passage of arms for land or lady or
for-
" What are you giving me?" I said. "Get along
back to your circus, or I'll report you."
Now what does this man do but fall back a couple
of hundred yards and then come rushing at me as hard
as he could tear, with his nail-keg bent down nearly
to his horse's neck and his long spear pointed straight
ahead. I saw he meant business, so I was up the tree
when he arrived.
He allowed that I was his property, the captive of
-his spear. There was argument on his side — and the
bulk of the advantage — so I judged it best to humor
him. We fixed up an agreement whereby I was to
go with him and he was not to hurt me. I came
down, and we started away, I walking by the side of
his horse. We marched comfortably along, through
glades and over brooks which I could not remember
to have seen before — which puzzled me and made me
wonder — and yet we did not come to any circus or
sign of a circus. So I gave up the idea of a circus,
and concluded he was from an asylum. But we never
came to an asylum — so I was up a stump, as you may
say. I asked him how far we were from Hartford.
He said he had never heard of the place ; which I took
to be a lie, but allowed it to go at that. At the end
of an hour we saw a far-away town sleeping in a valley
by a winding river; and beyond it on a hill, a vast
gray fortress, with towers and turrets, the first I had
ever seen out of a picture.
" Bridgeport ?" said I, pointing.
" Camelot," said he.
My stranger had been showing signs of sleepiness.
He caught himself nodding, now, and smiled one of
those pathetic, obsolete smiles of his, and said :
" I find I can't go on ; but come with me, I've
8
got it all written out, and you can read it if you
like."
In his chamber, he said : " First, I kept a journal ;
then by -and -by, after years, I took the journal and
turned it into a book. How long ago that was !"
He handed me his manuscript, and pointed out the
place where I should begin :
" Begin here — I've already told you what goes be
fore." He was steeped in drowsiness by this time.
As I went out at his door I heard him murmur sleepi
ly : " Give you good den, fair sir."
I sat down by my fire and examined my treasure.
The first part of it — the great bulk of it — was parch
ment, and yellow with age. I scanned a leaf particu
larly and saw that it was a palimpsest. Under the old
dim writing of the Yankee historian appeared traces
of a penmanship which was older and dimmer still —
Latin words and sentences : fragments from old monk
ish legends, evidently. I turned to the place indicated
by my stranger and began to read — as follow* ;
THE TALE OF THE LOST LAND
CHAPTER I
CAMELOT
" CAMELOT — Camelot," said I to myself. " I don't
seem to remember hearing of it before. Name of the
asylum, likely."
It was a soft, reposeful summer landscape, as lovely
as a dream, and as lonesome as Sunday. The air was
full of the smell of flowers, and the buzzing of insects,
and the twittering of birds, and there were no people,
no wagons, there was no stir of life, nothing going on.
The road was mainly a winding path with hoof-prints
in it, and now and then a faint trace of wheels on
either side in the grass — wheels that apparently had a
tire as broad as one's hand.
Presently a fair slip of a girl, about ten years old,
with a cataract of golden hair streaming down over
her shoulders, came along. Around her head she
wore a hoop of flame-red poppies. It was as sweet an
outfit as ever I saw, what there was of it. She walked
indolently along, with a mind at rest, its peace reflected
in her innocent face. The circus man paid no atten
tion to her ; didn't even seem to see her. And she —
she was no more startled at his fantastic make-up than
if she was used to his like every day of her life. She
was going by as indifferently as she might have gone
IO
by a couple of cows; but when she happened to notice
me, then there was a change \ Up went her hands, and
she was turned to stone ; her mouth dropped open, her
eyes stared wide and timorously, she was the picture of
astonished curiosity touched with fear. And there she
stood gazing, in a sort of stupefied fascination, till we
turned a corner of the wood and were lost to her view.
That she should be startled at me instead of at the
other man, was too many for me ; I couldn't make
head or tail of it. And that she should seem to con
sider me* a spectacle, and totally overlook her own
merits in that respect, was another puzzling thing,
and a display of magnanimity, too, that was surprising
in one so young. There was food for thought here.
I moved along as one in a dream.
As we approached the town, signs of life began to
appear. At intervals we passed a wretched cabin, with
a thatched roof, and about it small fields and garden
patches in an indifferent state of cultivation. There
were people, too ; brawny men, with long, coarse, un
combed hair that hung down over their faces and
made them look like animals. They and the women,
as a rule, wore a coarse tow-linen robe that came well
below the knee, and a rude sort of sandals, and many
wore an iron collar. The small boys and girls were
always naked ; but nobody seemed to know it. All
of these people stared at me, talked about me, ran
into the huts and fetched out their families to gape at
me; but nobody ever noticed that other fellow, except
to make him humble salutation and get no response
for their pains.
In the town were some substantial windowless
houses of stone scattered among a wilderness of
II
thatched cabins ; the streets were mere crooked
alleys, and unpaved ; troops of dogs and nude chil
dren played in the sun and made life and noise ; hogs
roamed and rooted contentedly about, and one of
them lay in a reeking wallow in the middle of the
main thoroughfare and suckled her family. Presently
there was a distant blare of military music ; it came
nearer, still nearer, and soon a noble cavalcade wound
into view, glorious with plumed helmets and flashing
mail and flaunting banners and rich doublets and
horse-cloths and gilded spear heads ; and through the
muck and swine, and naked brats, and joyous dogs,
and shabby huts it took its gallant way, and in its
wake we followed. Followed through one winding
alley and then another, — and climbing, always climb
ing — till at last we gained the breezy height where the
huge castle stood. There was an exchange of bugle
blasts ; then a parley from the walls, where men-at-
arms, in hauberk and morion marched back and forth
with halberd at shoulder under flapping banners with
the rude figure of a dragon displayed upon them ; and
then the great gates were flung open, the drawbridge
was lowered, and the head of the cavalcade swept for
ward under the frowning arches ; and we, following,
soon found ourselves in a great paved court, with
towers and turrets stretching up into the blue air on
all the four sides ; and all about us the dismount was
going on, and much greeting and ceremony, and run
ning to and fro, and a gay display of moving and in
termingling colors, and an altogether pleasant stir and
noise and confusion.
CHAPTER II
KING ARTHUR'S COURT
THE moment I got a chance I slipped aside pri
vately and touched an ancient common looking man
on the shoulder and said, in an insinuating, confiden
tial way —
" Friend, do me a kindness. Do you belong to the
asylum, or are you just here on a visit or something
like that?"
He looked me over stupidly, and said —
" Marry, fair sir, me seemeth — "
" That will do," I said ; " I reckon you are a pa
tient."
I moved away, cogitating, and at the same time
keeping an eye out for any chance passenger in his
right mind that might come along and give me some
light. I judged I had found one, presently ; so I
drew him aside and said in his ear —
" If I could see the head keeper a minute — only
just a minute — "
" Prithee do not let me."
" Let you what ?"
II Hinder me, then, if the word please thee better."
Then he went on to say he was an under-cook and
could not stop to gossip, though he would like it an
other time ; for it would comfort his very liver to
13
know where I got my clothes. As he started away
he pointed and said yonder was one who was idle
enough for my purpose, and was seeking me besides,
no doubt. This was an airy slim boy in shrimp-
colored tights that made him look like a forked car
rot ; the rest of his gear was blue silk and dainty
laces and ruffles ; and he had long yellow curls, and
wore a plumed pink satin cap tilted complacently
over his ear. By his look, he was good-natured ; by
his gait, he was satisfied with himself. He was pretty
enough to frame. He arrived, looked me over with a
smiling and impudent curiosity ; said he had come
for me, and informed me that he was a page.
" Go 'long," I said; "you ain't more than a paragraph."
It was pretty severe, but I was nettled. However,
it never phazed him ; he didn't appear to know he
was hurt. He began to talk and laugh, in happy,
thoughtless, boyish fashion, as we walked along, and
made himself old friends with me at once ; asked me
all sorts of questions about myself and about my
clothes, but never waited for an answer — always chat
tered straight ahead, as if he didn't know he had
asked a question and wasn't expecting any reply, until
at last he happened to mention that he was born in
the beginning of the year 513.
It made the cold chills creep over me ! I stopped,
and said, a little faintly :
" Maybe I didn't hear you just right. Say it again
— and say it slow. What year was it?"
" 513 ! You don't look it ! Come, my boy, I am a
stranger and friendless ; be honest and honorable
with me. Are you in your right mind ?"
14
He said he was.
"Are these other people in their right minds?'*
He said they were.
"And this isn't an asylum? I mean, it isn't a
place where they cure crazy people ?"
He said it wasn't.
" Well, then," I said, " either I am a lunatic, or
something just as awful has happened. Now tell me,
honest and true, where am I ?"
" IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT."
I waited a minute, to let that idea shudder its way
home, and then said :
"And according to your notions, what year is it
now ?"
" 528 — nineteenth of June."
I felt a mournful sinking at the heart, and mutter
ed : "I shall never see my friends again — never, never
again. They will not be born for more than thirteen
hundred years yet."
I seemed to believe the boy, I didn't know why.
Something in me seemed to believe him — my con
sciousness, as you may say ; but my reason didn't.
My reason straightway began to clamor ; that was
natural. I didn't know how to go about satisfying
it, because I knew that the testimony of men wouldn't
serve — my reason would say they were lunatics, and
throw out their evidence. But all of a sudden I
stumbled on the very thing, just by luck. I knew
that the only total eclipse of the sun in the first half
of the sixth century occurred on the 2ist of June, A. D.
528, O. S., and began at 3 minutes after 12 noon. I
also knew that no total eclipse of the sun was due in
what to me was the present year — i. e., ^879. So, if
I could keep my anxiety and curiosity from eating the
heart out of me for forty-eight hours, I should then
find out for certain whether this boy was telling me
the truth or not.
Wherefore, being a practical Connecticut man, I
now shoved this whole problem clear out of my mind
till its appointed day and hour should come, in order
that I might turn all my attention to the circum
stances of the present moment, and be alert and ready to
make the most out of them that could be made. One
thing at a time, is my motto — and just play that thing
for all it is worth, even if it's only two pair and a
jack. I made up my mind to two things ; if it was
still the nineteenth century and I was among lunatics
and couldn't get away, I would presently boss that
asylum or know the reason why ; and if on the other
hand it was really the sixth century, all right, I didn't
want any softer thing : I would boss the whole coun
try inside of three months ; for I judged I would have
the start of the best-educated man in the kingdom by
a matter of thirteen hundred years and upwards. I'm
not a man to waste time after my mind's made up
and there's work on hand ; so I said to the page —
" Now, Clarence, my boy — if that might happen to
be your name — I'll get you to post me up a little if
you don't mind. What is the name of that apparition
that brought me here ?"
" My master and thine ? That is the good knight
and great lord Sir Kay the Seneschal, foster brother
to ou. liege the king."
" Very good ; go on, tell me everything."
He made a long story of it ; but the part that had
immediate interest for me was this. He said I was
16
Sir Kay's prisoner, and that in the due course of
custom I would be flung into a dungeon and left
there on scant commons until my friends ransomed
me — unless I chanced to rot, first. I saw that the
last chance had the best show, but I didn't waste any
bother about that ; time was too precious. The page
said, further, that dinner was about ended in the
great hall by this time, and that as soon as the socia
bility and the heavy drinking should begin, Sir Kay
would have me in and exhibit me before King Arthur
and his illustrious knights seated at the Table Round,
and would brag about his exploit in capturing me,
and would probably exaggerate the facts a little, but
it wouldn't be good form for me to correct him, and
not over safe, either ; and when I was done being
exhibited, then ho for the dungeon ; but he, Clarence,
would find a way to come and see me every now and
then, and cheer me up, and help me get word to my
friends.
Get word to my friends! I thanked him ; I couldn't
do less ; and about this time a lackey came to say I
was wanted ; so Clarence led me in and took me off
to one side and sat down by me.
Well, it was a curious kind of 'spectacle, and in
teresting. It was an immense place, and rather naked
— yes, and full of loud contrasts. It was very, very
lofty; so lofty that the banners depending from the
arched beams and girders away up there floated in a
sort of twilight ; there was a stone-railed gallery at
each end, high up, with musicians in the one, and
women, clothed in stunning colors, in the other. The
floor was of big stone flags laid in black and white
squares, rather battered by age and use, and needing
17
repair. As to ornament, there wasn't any, strictly
speaking ; though on the walls hung some huge tapes
tries which were probably taxed as works of art ;
battle-pieces, they were, with horses shaped like those
which children cut out of paper or create in ginger
bread ; with men on them in scale armor whose scales
are represented by round holes — so that the man's
coat looks as if it had been done with a biscuit-punch.
There was a fireplace big enough to camp in ; and its
projecting sides and hood, of carved and pillared
stone-work, had the look of a cathedral door. Along
• the walls stood men-at-arms, in breastplate and morion,
with halberds for their only weapon — rigid as statues ;
and that is what they looked like.
In the middle of this groined and vaulted public
square was an oaken table which they called the
Table Round. It was as large as a circus ring ; and
around it sat a great company of men dressed in such
various and splendid colors that it hurt one's eyes to
look at them. They wore their plumed hats, right
along, except that whenever one addressed himself
directly to the king, he lifted his hat a trifle just as he
was beginning his remark.
Mainly they were drinking — from entire ox horns ;
but a few were still munching bread or gnawing beef
bones. There was about an average of two dogs to
one man ; and these sat in expectant attitudes till a
spent bone was flung to them, and then they went
for it by brigades and divisions, with a rush, and there
ensued a fight which rilled the prospect with a tumult
uous chaos of plunging heads and bodies and flash
ing tails, and the storm of howlings and barkings
deafened all speech for the time ; but that was no
i8
matter, for the dog-fight was always a bigger interest
anyway ; the men rose, sometimes, to observe it the
better and bet on it, and the ladies and the musicians
stretched themselves out over their balusters with the
same object ; and all broke into delighted ejaculations
from time to time. In the end, the winning dog
stretched himself out comfortably with his bone be
tween his paws, and proceeded to growl over it, and
gnaw it, and grease the floor with it, just as fifty oth
ers were already doing ; and the rest of the court re
sumed their previous industries and entertainments.
As a rule the speech and behavior of these people
were gracious and courtly ; and I noticed that they
were good and serious listeners when anybody was
telling anything — I mean in a dog-fightless interval.
And plainly, too, they were a childlike and innocent
lot; telling lies of the stateliest pattern with a most
gentle and winning., naivety, and ready and willing to
listen to anybody else's lie, and believe it, too. It
was hard to associate them with anything cruel or
dreadful ; and yet they dealt in tales of blood and suf
fering with a guileless relish that made me almost for
get to shudder.
I was not the only prisoner present. There were
twenty or more. Poor devils, many of them were
maimed, hacked, carved, in a frightful way ; and their
hair, their faces, their clothing, were caked with black
and stiffened drenchings of blood. They were suffer
ing sharp physical pain, of course ; and weariness, and
hunger and thirst, no doubt ; and at least none had
given them the comfort of a wash, or even the poor
charity of a lotion for their wounds ; yet you never
heard them utter a moan or a groan, or saw them
19
show any sign of restlessness, or any disposition to
complain. The thought was forced upon me : " The
rascals — they have served other people so in their day;
it being their own turn, now, they were not expecting
any better treatment than this ; so their philosophical
bearing is not an outcome of mental training, intel
lectual fortitude, reasoning; ; it is mere animal train
ing ; they are white Indians.
CHAPTER III
KNIGHTS OF THE TABLE ROUND
MAINLY the Round Table talk was monologues —
narrative accounts of the adventures in which these
prisoners were captured and their friends and backers
killed and stripped of their steeds and armor. As a
general thing — as far as I could make out — these mur
derous adventures were "hot forays undertaken to
avenge injuries, nor to settle old disputes or sudden
fallings out ; no, as a rule they were simply duels be
tween strangers — duels between people who had never
even been introduced to each other, and between
whom existed no cause of offence whatever. Many a
time I had seen a couple of boys, strangers, meet by
chance, and say simultaneously, " I can lick you," and
go at it on the spot ; but I had always imagined until
now that that sort of thing belonged to children only,
and was a sign and mark of childhood ; but here were
these big boobies sticking to it and taking pride in it
clear up into full age and beyond. Yet there was
something very engaging about these great simple-
hearted creatures, something attractive and lovable.
There did not seem to be brains enough in the entire
nursery, so to speak, to bait a fish-hook with; but you
didn't seem to mind that, after a little, because you
21
soon saw that brains were not needed in a society like
that, and^ indeed-would have marred it, hindered it,
spoiled its symmetry — perhaps rendered its existence
impossible.
There was a fine manliness observable in almost
every face ; and in some a certain loftiness and sweet
ness that rebuked your belittling criticisms and stilled
them. A most noble benignity and purity reposed in
the countenance of him they called Sir Galahad, and
likewise in the king's also ; and there was majesty and
greatness in the giant frame and high bearing of Sir
Launcelot of the Lake.
There was presently an incident which centred the
general interest upon this Sir Launcelot. At a sign
from a sort of master of ceremonies, six or eight of
the prisoners rose and came forward in a body and
knelt on the floor and lifted up their hands toward
the ladies' gallery and begged the grace of a word
with the queen. The most conspicuously situated
lady in that massed flower-bed of feminine show and
finery inclined her head by way of assent, and then
the spokesman of the prisoners delivered himself and
his fellows into her hands for free pardon, ransom,
captivity or death, as she in her good pleasure might
elect ; and this, as he said, he was doing by command
of Sir Kay the Seneschal, whose prisoners they were,
he having vanquished them by his single might and
prowess in sturdy conflict in the field.
Surprise and astonishment flashed from face to face
all over the house ; the queen's gratified smile faded
out at the name of Sir Kay, and she looked disappoint
ed ; and the page whispered in my ear with an accent
and manner expressive of extravagant derision —
3CY
22
" Sir Kay, forsooth ! Oh, call me pet names, dear
est, call me a marine ! In twice a thousand years shall
the unholy invention of man labor at odds to beget
the fellow to this majestic lie !"
Every eye was fastened with severe inquiry upon
Sir Kay. But he was equal to the occasion. He got
up and played his hand like a major — and took every
trick. He said he would state the case, exactly ac
cording to the facts; he would tell the simple straight
forward tale, without comment of his own ; " and
then," said he, " if ye find glory and honor due, ye
will give it unto him who is the mightiest man of his
hands that ever bare shield or strake with sword in
the ranks of Christian battle — even him that sitteth
there !" and he pointed to Sir Launcelot. Ah, he
fetched them ; it was a rattling good stroke. Then he
went on and told how Sir Launcelot, seeking advent
ures, some brief time gone by, killed seven giants at
one sweep of his sword, and set a hundred and forty-
two captive maidens free ; and then went further, still
seeking adventures, and found him (Sir Kay) fighting
a desperate fight against nine foreign knights, and
straightway took the battle solely into his own hands,
and conquered the nine ; and that night Sir Launce
lot rose quietly, and dressed him in Sir Kay's armor
and took Sir Kay's horse and gat him away into dis
tant lands, and vanquished sixteen knights in one
pitched battle and thirty -four in another; and all
these and the former nine he made to swear that
about Whitsuntide they would ride to Arthur's court
and yield them to Queen Guenever's hands as cap
tives of Sir Kay the Seneschal, spoil of his knightly
prowess ; and now here were these half-dozen, and the
23'
rest would be along as soon as they might be healed
of their desperate wounds.
Well, it was touching to see the queen blush and
smile, and look embarrassed and happy, and fling fur
tive glances at Sir Launcelot that would have got
him shot in Arkansas, to a dead certainty.
Everybody praised the valor and magnanimity of
Sir Launcelot ; and as for me, I was perfectly amazed,
that one man, all by himself, should have been able
to beat down and capture such battalions of practised
fighters. I said as much to Clarence ; but this mock
ing featherhead only said —
" An Sir Kay had had time to get another skin of
sour wine into him, ye had seen the accompt doubled."
I looked at the boy in sorrow ; and as I looked I
saw the cloud of a deep despondency settle upon his
countenance. I followed the direction of his eye, and
saw that a very old and white-bearded man, clothed
in a flowing black gown, had risen and was standing
at the table upon unsteady legs, and feebly swaying
his ancient head and surveying the company with his
watery and wandering eye. The same suffering look
that was in the page's face was observable in all the
faces around — the look of dumb creatures who know
that they must endure and make no moan.
" Marry, we shall have it again," sighed the boy;
" that same old weary tale that he hath told a thou
sand times in the same words, and that he will tell
till he dieth, every time he hath gotten his barrel full
and feeleth his exaggeration-mill a-working. Would
God I had died or I saw this day !"
" Who is it ?"
" Merlin, the mighty liar and magician, perdition
24
singe him for the weariness he worketh with his one
tale ! But that men fear him for that he hath the
storms and the lightnings and all the devils that be
in hell at his beck and call, they would have dug his
entrails out these many years ago to get at that tale
and squelch it. He telleth it always in the third
person, making believe he is too modest to glorify
himself — maledictions light upon him, misfortune be
his dole ! Good friend, prithee call me for evensong."
The boy nestled himself upon my shoulder and pre
tended to go to sleep. The old man began his tale;
and presently the lad was asleep in reality ; so also
were the dogs, and the court, the lackeys, and the
files of men-at-arms. The droning voice droned on ;
a soft snoring arose on all sides and supported it
like a deep and subdued accompaniment of wind in
struments. Some heads were bowed upon folded arms,
some lay back with open mouths that issued uncon
scious music ; the flies buzzed and bit, unmolested,
the rats swarmed softly out from a hundred holes,
and pattered about, and made themselves at home
everywhere ; and one of them sat up like a squirrel
on the king's head and held a bit of cheese in its
hands and nibbled it, and dribbled the crumbs in the
king's face with naive and impudent irreverence. It
was a tranquil scene, and restful to the weary eye and
the jaded spirit.
This was the old man's tale. He said :
" Right so the king and Merlin departed, and went
until an hermit that was a good man and a great
leech. So the hermit searched all his wounds and
gave him good salves ; so the king was there three
days, and then were his wounds well amended that
2$
Jhe might ride and go, and so departed. And as they
rode, Arthur said, I have no sword. No force, * said
Merlin, hereby is a sword that shall be yours and I
may. So they rode till they came to a lake, the
which was a fair water and broad, and in the midst
of the lake Arthur was ware of an arm clothed in
white samite, that held a fair sword in that hand.
Lo, said Merlin, yonder is that sword that I spake
of. With that they saw a damsel going upon the
lake. What damsel is that ? said Arthur. That is
the Lady of the lake, said Merlin ; and within that
lake is a rock, and therein is as fair a place as any
on earth, and richly beseen, and this damsel will come
to you anon, and then speak ye fair to her that she
will give you that sword. Anon withal came the
damsel unto Arthur and saluted him, and he her
again. Damsel, said Arthur, what sword is that, that
yonder the arm holdeth above the water? I would
it were mine, for I have no sword. Sir Arthur King,
said the damsel, that sword is mine, and if ye will
give me a gift when I ask it you, ye shall have it.
By my faith, said Arthur, I will give you what gift
ye will ask. Well, said the damsel, go ye into yonder
barge and row yourself to the sword, and take it and
the scabbard with you, and I will ask my gift when
I see my time. So Sir Arthur and Merlin alight, and
tied their horses to two trees, and so they went into
the ship, and when they came to the sword that the
hand held, Sir Arthur took it up by the handles, and
took it with him. And the arm and the hand went
under the water ; and so they came unto the land and
* No matter.
26
rode forth. And then Sir Arthur saw a rich pavilion.
What signifieth yonder pavilion? It is the knight's
pavilion, said Merlin, that ye fought with last, Sir Pelli-
nore, but he is out, he is not there ; he hath ado with
a knight of yours, that hight Egglame, and they have
fought together, but at the last Egglame fled, and
else he had been dead, and he hath chased him even
to Carlion, and we shall meet with him anon in the
highway. That is well said, said Arthur, now have I
a sword, now will I wage battle with him, and be
avenged on him. Sir, ye shall not so, said Merlin,
for the knight is weary of righting and chasing, so
that ye shall have no worship to have ado with him ;
also, he will not lightly be matched of one knight liv
ing ; and therefore it is my counsel, let him pass, for
he shall do you good service in short time, and his
sons, after his days. Also ye shall see that day in
short space ye shall be right glad to give him your
sister to wed. When I see him, I will do as ye ad
vise me, said Arthur. Then Sir Arthur looked on the
sword, and liked it passing well. Whether liketh you
better, said Merlin, the sword or the scabbard? Me
liketh better the sword, said Arthur. Ye are more
unwise, said Merlin, for the scabbard is worth ten of
the sword, for while ye have the scabbard upon you
ye shall never lose no blood, be ye never so sore
wounded ; therefore, keep well the scabbard always
with you. So they rode unto Carlion, and by the
way they met with Sir Pellinore : but Merlin had
done such a craft that Pellinore saw not Arthur, and
he passed by without any words. I marvel, said
Arthur, that the knight would not speak. Sir, said
Merlin, he saw you not; for and he had seen you ye
had not lightly departed. So they came unto Carlion,
whereof his knights were passing glad. And when
they heard of his adventures they marvelled that he
would jeopard his person so alone. But all men of
worship said it was merry to be under such a chief
tain that would put his person in adventure as other
poor knights did."
CHAPTER IV
SIR DINADAN THE HUMORIST
IT seemed to me that this quaint lie was most
simply and beautifully told ; but then I had heard
it only once, and that makes a difference ; it was pleas
ant to the others when it was fresh, no doubt.
Sir Dinadan the Humorist was the first to awake,
and he soon roused the rest with a practical joke of a
sufficiently poor quality. He tied some metal mugs
to a dog's tail and turned him loose, and he tore
around and around the place in a frenzy of fright,
with all the other dogs bellowing after him and bat
tering and crashing against everything that came in
their way and making altogether a chaos of confusion
and a most deafening din and turmoil ; at which every
man and woman of the multitude laughed till the
tears flowed, and some fell out of their chairs and
wallowed on the floor in ecstasy. It was just like so
many children. Sir Dinadan was so proud of his ex
ploit that he could not keep from telling over and
over again, to weariness, how the immortal idea hap
pened to occur to him ; and as is the way with hu
morists of his breed, he was still laughing at it after
everybody else had got through. He was so set up
that he concluded to make a speech — of course a hu
morous speech. I think I never heard so many old
29
played-out jokes strung together in my life. He was
worse than the minstrels, worse than the clown in the
circus. It seemed peculiarly sad to sit here, thirteen
hundred years before I was born and listen again to
poor, flat, worm-eaten jokes that had given me the
dry gripes when I was a boy thirteen hundred years
afterwards. It about convinced me that there isn't
any such thing as a new joke possible. Everybody
laughed at these antiquities — but then they always
do ; I had noticed that, centuries later. However, of
course the scoffer didn't laugh — I mean the boy. No,
he scoffed ; there wasn't anything he wouldn't scoff
at. He said the most of Sir Dinadan's jokes were
rotten and the rest were petrified. I said " petrified"
was good ; as I believed, myself, that the only right
way to classify the majestic ages of some of those
jokes was by geologic periods. But that neat idea
hit the boy in a blank place, for geology hadn't been
invented yet. However, I made a note of the re
mark, and calculated to educate the commonwealth
up to it if I pulled through. It is no use to throw a
good thing away merely because the market isn't ripe
yet.
Now Sir Kay arose and began to fire up on his his
tory-mill with me for fuel. It was time for me to feel
serious, and I did. Sir Kay told how he had encountered
me in a far land of barbarians, who all wore the same
ridiculous garb that I did — a garb that was a work of
enchantment, and intended to make the wearer secure
from hurt by human hands. However, he had nulli
fied the force of the enchantment by prayer, and had
killed my thirteen knights in a three-hours' battle, and
taken me prisoner, sparing my life in order that so
3Q
strange a curiosity as I was might be exhibited to the
wonder and admiration of the king and the court. He
spoke of me all the time, in the blandest way, as "this
prodigious giant," and " this horrible sky-towering
monster,", and " this tusked and taloned man-devour
ing ogre ;" and everybody took in all this bosh in the
naivest way, and never smiled or seemed to notice
that there was any discrepancy between these watered
statistics and me. He said that in trying to escape
from him I sprang into the top of a tree two hundred
cubits high at a single bound, but he dislodged me
with a stone the size of a cow, which " ail-to brast "
the most of my bones, and then swore me to appear
at Arthur's court for sentence. He ended by con
demning me to die at noon on the^ist; and was so
little concerned about it that he stopped to yawn be
fore he named the date.
I was in a dismal state by this time ; indeed, I was
hardly enough in my right mind to keep the run of a
dispute that sprung up as to how I had better be killed,
the possibility of the killing being doubted by some,
because of the enchantment in my clothes. And yet it
was nothing but an ordinary suit of fifteen-dollar slop
shops. Still, I was sane enough to notice this detail,
to wit: many of the terms used in the most matter-of-
fact way by this great assemblage of the first ladies
and gentlemen in the land would have made a Co-
manche blush. Indelicacy is too mild a term to con
vey the idea. However, I had read "Tom Jones,"
and " Roderick Random," and other books of that
kind, and knew that the highest and first ladies and
gentlemen in England had remained little or no clean
er in their talk, and in the morals and conduct which
such talk implies, clear up to a hundred years ago ; in
fact clear into our own nineteenth century — in which
century, broadly speaking, the earliest samples of the
real lady and real gentleman discoverable in English
history — or in European history, for that matter —
may be said to have made their appearance. Suppose
Sir Walter, instead of putting the conversations into
the mouths of his characters, had allowed the charac
ters to speak for themselves ? We should have had
talk from Rachel and Ivanhoe and the soft lady Row-
ena which would embarrass a tramp in our day. How
ever, to the unconsciously indelicate all things are
delicate. King Arthur's people were not aware that
they were indecent, and I had presence of mind enough
not to mention it.
They were so troubled about my enchanted clothes
that they were mightily relieved, at last, when old
Merlin swept the difficulty away for them with a com
mon-sense hint. He asked them why they were so
dull— why didn't .it_ occur to /them to strip me. In
half a minute I was as naked as a pair of tongs !
And dear, dear, to think of it : I was the only embar
rassed person there. Everybody discussed me ; and
did it as unconcernedly as if I had been a cabbage.
Queen Guenever was as naively interested as the rest,
and said she had never seen anybody with legs just
like mine before. It was the only compliment I got
—if it was a compliment.
Finally I was carried off in one direction, and my
perilous clothes in another. I was shoved into a dark
and narrow cell in a dungeon, with some scant rem
nants for dinner, some mouldy straw for a bed, and no
end of rats for company.
CHAPTER V
AN INSPIRATION
I WAS so tired that even my fears were not able to
keep me awake long.
When I next came to myself, I seemed to have been
asleep a very long time. My first thought was, <: Well,
what an astonishing dream I've had ! I reckon I've
waked only just in time to keep from being hanged or
drowned or burned, or something. . . . I'll nap again
till the whistle blows, and then I'll go down to the
arms factory and have it out with Hercules."
But just then I heard the harsh music of rusty chains
and bolts, a light flashed in my eyes, and that butter
fly, Clarence, stood before me ! I gasped with surprise ;
my breath almost got away from me.
" What !" I said, " you here yet ? Go along with the
rest of the dream ! scatter !"
But he only laughed, in his light-hearted way, and
fell to making fun of my sorry plight.
" All right," I said resignedly, " let the dream go on ;
I'm in no hurry."
" Prithee what dream?"
" What dream? Why, the dream that I am in Ar
thur's court — a person who never existed ; and that I
am talking to you, who are nothing but a work of the
imagination."
33
" Oh, la, indeed ! and is it a dream that you're to be
burned to-morrow ? Ho-ho — answer me that !"
The shock that went through me was distressing. I
now began to reason that my situation was in the last
degree serious, dream or no dream ; for I knew by past
experience of the life-like intensity of dreams, that to
be burned to death, even in a dream, would be very
far from being a jest, and was a thing to be avoided,
by any means, fair or foul, that I could contrive. So I
said beseechingly :
" Ah, Clarence, good boy, only friend I've got, — for
you are my friend, aren't you ? — don't fail me ; help
me to devise some way of escaping from this place !"
"Now do but hear thyself! Escape? Why, man,
the corridors are in guard and keep of men-at-arms."
" No doubt, no doubt. But how many, Clarence ?
Not many, I hope?"
" Full a score. One may not hope to escape."
After a pause — hesitatingly : " and there be other rea
sons — and weightier."
" Other ones ? What are they ?"
" Well, they say — oh, but I daren't, indeed I
daren't !"
" Why, poor lad, what is the matter ? Why do you
blench? Why do you tremble so?"
" Oh, in sooth, there is need ! I do want to tell
you, but — "
" Come, come, be brave, be a man — speak out,
there's a good lad !"
He hesitated, pulled one way by desire, the other
way by fear ; then he stole to the door and peeped
out, listening ; and finally crept close to me and put
his mouth to my ear and told me his fearful news in
34
a whisper, and with all the cowering apprehension of
one who was venturing upon awful ground and speak
ing of things whose very mention might be freighted
with death.
" Merlin, in his malice, has woven a spell about this
dungeon, and there bides not the man in these king
doms that would be desperate enough to essay to
cross its lines with you ! Now God pity me, I have
told it ! Ah, be kind to me, be merciful to a poor
boy who means thee well ; for an thou betray me I
am lost !"
I laughed the only really refreshing laugh I had had
for some time ; and shouted —
" Merlin has wrought a spell ! Merlin, forsooth !
That cheap old humbug, that maundering old ass?
Bosh, pure bosh, the silliest bosh in the world ! Why,
it does seem to me that of all the childish, idiotic,
chuckle-headed, chicken-livered superstitions that ev —
oh, damn Merlin !"
But Clarence had slumped to his knees before I
had half finished, and he was like to go out of his
mind with fright.
" Oh, beware ! These are awful words ! Any mo
ment these walls may crumble upon us if you say
such things. Oh call them back before it is too
late !"
Now this strange exhibition gave me a good idea
and set me to thinking. If everybody about here was
so honestly and sincerely afraid of Merlin's pretended
magic as Clarence was, certainly a superior man like
me ought to be shrewd enough to contrive some way
to take advantage of such a state of things. I went
on thinking, and worked out a olan. Then I said :
35
"Get up. Pull yourself together; look me in the
eye. Do you know why I laughed ?"
" No — but for our blessed Lady's sake, do it no
more."
" Well, I'll tell you why I laughed. Because I'm a
magician myself."
" Thou!" The boy recoiled a step, and caught his
breath, for the thing hit him rather sudden ; but the
aspect which he took on was very, very respectful. I
took quick note of that ; it indicated that a humbug
didn't need to have a reputation in this asylum ; peo
ple stood ready to take him at his word, without that.
I resumed :
" I've known Merlin seven hundred years, and he — "
" Seven hun — "
" Don't interrupt me. He has died and come alive
again thirteen times, and travelled under a new name
every time: Smith, Jones, Robinson, Jackson, Peters,
Raskins, Merlin — a new alias every time he turns up.
I knew him in Egypt three hundred years ago ; I
knew him in India five hundred years ago — he is al
ways blethering around in my way, everywhere I go;
he makes me tired. He don't amount to shucks, as a
magician ; knows some of the old common tricks, but
has never got beyond the rudiments, and never will.
He is well enough for the provinces — one-night stands
and that sort of thing, you know — but dear me, he
oughtn't to set up for an expert — anyway not where
there's a real artist. Now look here, Clarence, I am
going to stand your friend, right along, and in return
you must be mine. I want you to do. me a favor. I
want you to get word to the king that I am a magi
cian myself — and the Supreme Grand High-yu-Muck-
36
amuck and head of the tribe, at that; and I want him to
be made to understand that I am just quietly arranging
a little calamity here that will make the fur fly in these
realms if Sir Kay's project is carried out and any harm
comes to me. Will you get that to the king for me?"
The poor boy was in such a state that he could
hardly answer me. It was pitiful to see a creature so
terrified, so unnerved, so demoralized. But he prom
ised everything ; and on my side he made me promise
over and over again that I would remain his friend,
and never turn against him or cast any enchantments
upon him. Then he worked his way out, staying
himself with his hand along the wall, like a sick person.
Presently this thought occurred to me : how heed
less I have been ! When the boy gets calm, he will
wonder why a great magician like me should have
begged a boy like him to help me get out of this
place ; he will put this and that together, and will see
that I am a humbug.
I worried over that heedless blunder for an hour,
and called myself a great many hard names, mean
time. But finally it occurred to me all of a sudden
that these animals didn't reason ; that they never put
this and that together ; that all their talk showed that
they didn't know a discrepancy when they saw it. I
was at rest, then.
But as soon as one is at rest, in this world, off he
goes on something else to worry about. It occurred
to me that I had made another blunder: I had sent
the boy off to alarm his betters with a threat — I in
tending to invent a calamity at my leisure ; now the
people who are the readiest and eagerest and willing-
est to swallow miracles are the very ones who are hun-
37
griest to see you perform them ; suppose I should be
called on for a sample? Suppose I should be asked
to name my calamity ? Yes, I had made a blunder ;
I ought to have invented my calamity first. " What
shall I do? what can I say, to gain a little time?" I
was in trouble again ; in the deepest kind of trouble :
. . . " There's a footstep ! — they're coming. If I had
only just a moment to think. . . . Good, I've got it.
I'm all right."
You see, it was the eclipse. It came into my mind,
in the nick of time, how Columbus, or Cortez, or one
of those people, played an eclipse as a saving trump
once, on some savages, and I saw my chance. I could
play it myself, now ; and it wouldn't be any plagiar
ism, either, because I should get it in nearly a thou
sand years ahead of those parties.
Clarence came in, subdued, distressed, and said :
" I hasted the message to our liege the king, and
straightway he had me to his presence. He was
frighted even to the marrow, and was minded to give
order for your instant enlargement, and that you be
clothed in fine raiment and lodged as befitted one so
great ; but then came Merlin and spoiled all ; for he
persuaded the king that you are mad, and know not
whereof you speak ; and said your threat is but fool
ishness and idle vaporing. They disputed long, but
in the end, Merlin, scoffing, said, ' Wherefore hath he
not named his brave calamity ? Verily it is because
he cannot.' This thrust did in a most sudden sort
close the king's mouth, and he could offer naught to
turn the argument ; and so, reluctant, and full loth to
do you the discourtesy, he yet prayeth you to con
sider his perplexed case, as noting how the matter
4CY
stands, and name the calamity — if so be you have de
termined the nature of it and the time of its coming.
Oh, prithee delay not ; to delay at such a time were
to double and treble the perils that already compass
thee about. Oh, be thou wise — name the calamity !"
I allowed silence to accumulate while I got my im-
pressiveness together, and then said :
" How long have I been shut up in this hole?"
" Ye were shut up when yesterday was well spent.
It is 9 of the morning now."
" No ! Then I have slept well, sure enough. Nine
in the morning now! And yet it is the very complex
ion of midnight, to a shade. This is the 2Oth, then?"
" The 20th— yes."
" And I am to be burned alive to-morrow." The
boy shuddered.
" At what hour?"
"At high noon."
" Now then, I will tell you what to say." I paused,
and stood over that cowering lad a whole minute in
awful silence; then, in a voice deep, measured, charged
with doom, I began, and rose by dramatically graded
stages to my colossal climax, which I delivered in as
sublime and noble a way as ever I did such a thing in
my life : " Go back and tell the king that at that hour
I will smother the whole world in the dead blackness
of midnight ; I will blot out the sun, and he shall
never shine again ; the fruits of the earth shall rot for
lack of light and warmth, and the peoples of the earth
shall famish and die, to the last man !"
I had to carry the boy out myself, he sunk into
such a collapse. I handed him over to the soldiers,
and went back.
CHAPTER VI
THE ECLIPSE
IN the stillness and the darkness, realization soon
began to supplement knowledge. The mere knowl
edge of a fact is pale ; but when you come to realize
your fact, it takes on color. It is all the difference
between hearing of a man being stabbed to the heart,
and seeing it done. In the stillness and the darkness,
the knowledge that I was in deadly danger took to it
self deeper and deeper meaning all the time ; a some
thing which was realization crept inch by inch through
my veins and turned me cold.
But it is a blessed provision of nature that at times
like these, as soon as a man's mercury has got down
to a certain point there comes a revulsion, and he
rallies. Hope springs up, and cheerfulness along with
it, and then he is in good shape to do something for
himself, if anything can be done. When my rally
came, it came with a bound. I said to myself that
my eclipse would be sure to save me, and make^me
the greatest man in the kingdom besides ; and straight
way my mercury went up to the top of the tube, and
my solicitudes all vanished. I was as happy a man as
there was in the world. I was even impatient for to
morrow to come, I so wanted to gather-in that great
triumph and be the centre of all the nation's wonder
40
and reverence. Besides, in a business way it would be
the making of me ; I knew that.
Meantime there was one thing which had got
pushed into the background of my mind. That was
the half-conviction that when the nature of my pro
posed calamity should be reported to those supersti
tious people, it would have such an effect that they
would want to compromise. So, by-and-by when I
heard footsteps coming, that thought was recalled to
me, and I said to myself, "As sure as anything, it's
the compromise. Well, if it is good, all right, I will
accept ; but if it isn't, I mean to stand my ground and
play my hand for all it is worth."
The door opened, and some men-at-arms appeared.
The leader said—
" The stake is ready. Come !"
The stake ! The strength went out of me, and I
almost fell down. It is hard to get one's breath at
such a time, such lumps come into one's throat, and
such gaspings ; but as soon as I could speak, I said :
" But this is a mistake — the execution is to-morrow."
"Order changed; been set forward a day. Haste
thee!"
I was lost. There \vas no help for me. I was dazed,
stupefied; I had no command over myself; I only
wandered purposelessly about, like one out of his
mind ; so the soldiers took hold of me, and pulled me
along with them, out of the cell and along the maze
of underground corridors, and finally into the fierce
glare of daylight and the upper world. As we stepped
into the vast enclosed court of the castle I got a shock ;
for the first thing I saw was the stake, standing in the
centre, and near it the piled fagots and a monk. On
41
all four sides of the court the seated multitudes rose
rank above rank, forming sloping terraces that were
rich with color. The king and the queen sat in their
thrones, the most conspicuous figures there, of course.
To note all this, occupied but a second. The next
second Clarence had slipped from some place of con
cealment and was pouring news into my ear, his eyes
beaming with triumph and gladness. He said :
" 'Tis through me the change was wrought ! And
main hard have I worked to do it, too. But when I
revealed to them the calamity in store, and saw how
mighty was the terror it did engender, then saw I also
that this was the time to strike ! Wherefore I dili
gently pretended, unto this and that and the other one,
that your power against the sun could not reach its
full until the morrow ; and so if any would save the
sun and the world, you must be slain to-day, whilst
your enchantments are but in the weaving and lack
potency. Odsbodikins, it was but a dull lie, a most
indifferent invention, but you should have seen them
seize it and swallow it, in the frenzy of their fright, as
it were salvation sent from heaven ; and all the while
was I laughing in my sleeve the one moment, to see
them so cheaply deceived, and glorifying God the next,
that He was content to let the meanest of His creat
ures be His instrument to the saving of thy life. Ah,
how happy has the matter sped ! You will not need
to do the sun a real hurt — ah, forget not that, on your
soul forget it not ! Only make a little darkness — only
the littlest little darkness, mind, and cease with that.
It will be sufficient. They will see that I spoke false
ly, — being ignorant, as they will fancy — and with the
falling of the first shadow of that darkness you shall
42
see them go mad with fear ; and they will set you free
and make you great ! Go to thy triumph, now ! But
remember — ah, good friend, I implore thee remember
my supplication, and do the blessed sun no hurt. For
my sake, thy true friend."
I choked out some words through my grief and
misery ; as much as to say I would spare the sun ; for
which the lad's eyes paid me back with such deep and
loving gratitude that I had not the heart to tell him
his good-hearted foolishness had ruined me and sent
me to my death.
As the soldiers assisted me across the court the still
ness was so profound that if I had been blindfold I
should have supposed I was in a solitude instead of
walled in by four thousand people. There was not a
movement perceptible in those masses of humanity ;
they were as rigid as stone images, and as pale; and
dread sat upon every countenance. This hush con
tinued while I was being chained to the stake ; it still
continued while the fagots were carefully and tedious
ly piled about my ankles, my knees, my thighs, my
body. Then there was a pause, and a deeper hush, if
possible, and a man knelt down at my feet with a blaz
ing torch ; the multitude strained forward, gazing, and
parting slightly from their seats without knowing it ;
the monk raised his hands above my head, and his
eyes toward the blue sky, and began some words in
Latin ; in this attitude he droned on and on, a little
while, and then stopped. I waited two or three mo
ments; then looked up; he was standing there petri
fied. With a common impulse the multitude rose
slowly up and stared into the sky. I followed their
eyes ; as sure as guns, there was my eclipse beginning !
43
The life went boiling through my veins ; I was a new
man ! The rim of black spread slowly into the sun's
disk, my heart beat higher and higher, and still the
assemblage and the priest stared into the sky, motion
less. I knew that this gaze would be turned upon me,
next. When it was, I was ready. I was in one of the
most grand attitudes I ever struck, with my arm
stretched up pointing to the sun. It was a noble effect.
You could see the shudder sweep the mass like a wave.
Two shouts rang out, one close upon the heels of the
other:
"Apply the torch!"
" I forbid it !"
The one was from Merlin, the other from the king.
Merlin started from his place — to apply the torch
himself, I judged. I said :
"Stay where you are. If any man moves — even
the king — before I give him leave, I will blast him
with thunder, I will consume him with lightnings!"
The multitude sank meekly into their seats, and I
was just expecting they would. Merlin hesitated a
moment or two, and I was on pins and needles during
that little while. Then he sat down, and I took a
good breath ; for I knew I was master of the situa
tion now. The king said :
" Be merciful, fair sir, and essay no further in this
perilous matter, lest disaster follow. It was reported
to us that your powers could not attain unto their
full strength until the morrow ; but —
" Your Majesty thinks the report may have been a
lie ? It was a lie."
That made an immense effect ; up went appealing
hands everywhere, and the king was assailed with a
44
storm of supplications that I might be bought off at
any price, and the calamity stayed. The king was
eager to comply. He said :
" Name any terms, reverend sir, even to the halving
of my kingdom ; but banish this calamity, spare the
sun !"
My fortune was made. I would have taken him
up in a minute, but / couldn't stop an eclipse ; the
thing was out of the question. So I asked time to
consider. The king said —
" How long — ah, how long, good sir? Be merciful ;
look, it groweth darker, moment by moment. Prithee
how long?"
" Not long. Half an hour — maybe an hour."
There were a thousand pathetic protests, but I
couldn't shorten up any, for I couldn't remember how
long a total eclipse lasts. I was in a puzzled condi
tion, anyway, and wanted to think. Something was
wrong about that eclipse, and the fact was very un
settling. If this wasn't the one I was after, how was
I to tell whether this was the sixth century, or noth
ing but a dream ? Dear me, if I could only prove it
was the latter! Here was a glad new hope. If the
boy was right about the date, and this was surely the
2Oth, it wasrit the sixth century. I reached for the
monk's sleeve, in considerable excitement, and asked
him what day of the month it was.
Hang him, he said it was the twenty-first ! It made
me turn cold to hear him. I begged him not to make
any mistake about it ; but he was sure ; he knew it
was the 2 1st. So, that feather-headed boy had
botched things again ! The time of the. day was
right for the eclipse ; I had seen that for myself, in
THE KING
45
the beginning, by the dial that was near by. Yes, I
was in King Arthur's court, and I might as well make
the most-out-of it- 1 cauld.
The darkness was steadily growing, the people be
coming more and more distressed. I now said :
" I have reflected, Sir King. For a lesson, I will
let this darkness proceed, and spread night in the
world ; but whether I blot out the sun for good, or
restore it, shall rest with you. These are the terms,
to wit : You shall remain king over all your domin
ions, and receive all the glories and honors that be
long to the kingship ; but you shall appoint me your
perpetual minister and executive, and give me for my
services one per cent, of such actual increase of reve
nue over and above its present amount as I may suc
ceed in creating for the state. If I can't live on that,
I sha'n't ask anybody to give me a lift. Is it satis
factory?"
There was a prodigious roar of applause, and out of
the midst of it the king's voice rose, saying:
" Away with his bonds, and set him free ! and do
him homage, high and low, rich and poor, for he is
become the king's right hand, is clothed with power
and authority, and his seat is upon the highest step of
the throne ! Now sweep away this creeping night,
and bring the light and cheer again, that all the
world may bless thee."
But I said :
" That a common man should be shamed before
the world, is nothing; but it were dishonor to the
king if any that saw his minister naked should not
also see him delivered from his shame. If I might
ask that my clothes be brought again—
46
" They are not meet," the king broke in. " Fetch
raiment of another sort ; clothe him like a prince !"
My idea worked. I wanted to keep things as they
were till the eclipse was total, otherwise they would
be trying again to get me to dismiss the darkness,
and of course I couldn't do it. Sending for the
clothes gained some delay, but not enough. So I
had to make another excuse. I said it would be but
natural if the king should change his mind and re
pent to some extent of what he had done under
excitement ; therefore I would let the darkness grow
a while, and if at the end of a reasonable time the
king had kept his mind the same, the darkness should
be dismissed. Neither the king nor anybody else
was satisfied with that arrangement, but I had to
stick to my point.
It grew darker and darker and blacker and blacker,
while I struggled with those awkward sixth-century
clothes. It got to be pitch dark, at last, and the mul
titude groaned with horror to feel the cold uncanny
night breezes fan through the place and see the stars
come out and twinkle in the sky. At last the eclipse
was total, and I was very glad of it, but everybody
else was in misery ; which was quite natural. I
said :
"The king, by his silence, still stands to the terms."
Then I lifted up my hands — stood just so a moment
— then I said, with the most awful solemnity:
" Let the enchantment dissolve and pass harmless
away !"
There was no response, for a moment, in that deep
darkness and ihat graveyard hush. But when the
silver rim of the sun pushed itself out, a moment or
47
two later, the assemblage broke loose with a vast
shout and came pouring down like a deluge to
smother me with blessings and gratitude ; and Clar
ence was not the last of the wash, be sure.
CHAPTER VII
INASMUCH as I was now the second personage in
the Kingdom, as far as political power and authority
were concerned, much was made of me. My raiment
was of silks and velvets and cloth of gold, and by con
sequence was very showy, also uncomfortable. But
habit would soon reconcile me to my clothes ; I was
aware of that. I was given the choicest suite of apart
ments in the castle, after the king's. They were aglow
with loud-colored silken hangings, but the stone floors
had nothing but rushes on them for a carpet, and they
were misfit rushes at that, being not all of one breed.
As for conveniences, properly speaking, there weren't
any. I mean little conveniences ; it is the little con
veniences that make the real comfort of life. The
big oaken chairs, graced with rude carvings, were well
enough, but that was the stopping-place. There was
no soap, no matches, no looking-glass — except a metal
one, about as powerful as a pail of water And not a
chromo. I had been used to chromos ior years, and
I saw now that without my suspecting it a passion for
art had got worked into the fabric of my being, and
was become a part of me. It made me homesick to
look around over this proud and gaudy but heartless
barrenness and remember that in our house in East
49
Hartford, all unpretending as it was, you couldn't go
into a room but you would find an insurance-chromo,
or at least a three-color God-Bless-Our-Home over the
door ; and in the parlor we had nine. But here, even
in my grand room of state, there wasn't anything in
the nature of a picture except a thing the size of a
bed-quilt, which was either woven or knitted, (it had
darned places in it,) and nothing in it was the right
color or the right shape ; and as for proportions, even
Raphael himself couldn't have botched them more for
midably, after all his practice on those nightmares
they call his " celebrated Hampton Court cartoons."
Raphael was a bird. We had several of his chromos;
one was his " Miraculous Draught of Fishes," where
he puts in a miracle of his own — puts three men into
a canoe which wouldn't have held a dog without up
setting. I always admired to study R.'s art, it was so
f-csh and unconventional.
There wasn't even a bell or a speaking-tube in the
castle. I had a great many servants, and those that
were on duty lolled in the anteroom ; and when I
wanted one of them I had to go and call for him.
There was no gas, there were no candles; a bronze
dish half full of boarding-house butter with a blazing
rag floating in it was the thing that produced what
was regarded as light. A lot of these hung along
the walls and modified the dark, just toned it down
enough to make it dismal. If you went out at night,
your servants carried torches. There were no books,
pens, paper, or ink, and no glass in the openings they
believed to be windows. It is a little thing — glass is
— until it is absent, then it becomes a big thing. But
perhaps the worst of all was, that there wasn't any
5Q
sugar, coffee, tea or tobacco. I saw that I was just
another Robinson Crusoe cast away on an uninhab
ited island, with no society but some more or less
, tame animals, and if I wanted to make life bearable I
must do as he did — invent, contrive, create, reorganize
.things; set brain and hand to work, and keep them
i busy. Well, that was in my line.
One thing troubled me along at first — the immense
interest which people took in me. Apparently the
whole nation wanted a look at me. It soon transpired
that the eclipse had scared the British world almost
to death : that while it lasted the whole country, from
one end to the other, was in a pitiable state of panic,
and the churches, hermitages, and monkeries over
flowed with praying and weeping poor creatures who
thought the end of the world was come. Then had
followed the news that the producer of this awful
event was a stranger, a mighty magician at Arthur's
court ; that he could have blown out the sun like a
. candle, and was just going to do it when his mercy
was purchased, and he then dissolved his enchant
ments, and was now recognized and honored as the
man who had by his unaided might saved the globe
from destruction and its peoples from extinction.
Now if you consider that everybody believed that,
and not only believed it but never even dreamed of
doubting it, you will easily understand that there was
not a person in all Britain that would not have walked
fifty miles to get a sight of me. Of course I was all
the talk — all other subjects were dropped; even the
king became suddenly a person of minor interest and
notoriety. Within twenty-four hours the delegations
began to arrive, and from that time onward for a fort*
-£• ' **iU L^.< ?K»..V. t^-^-v > i: > , "v7/£s3?, \ A.
THERE WAS NO SOAP, NO MATCHES, NO LOOKING-GLASS
night they kept coming. The village was crowded,
and all the countryside. I had to go out a dozen
times a day and show myself to these reverent and
awe-stricken multitudes. It came to be a great bur
den, as to time and trouble, but of course it was at
the same time compensatingly agreeable to be so
celebrated and such a centre of homage. It turned
Brer Merlin green with envy and spite, which was a
great satisfaction to me. But there was one thing I
couldn't understand ; nobody had asked for an auto
graph. I spoke to Clarence about it. By George, I
had to explain to him what it was. Then he said no
body in the country could read or write but a few
dozen priests. Land ! think of that.
There was another thing that troubled me a little.
Those multitudes presently began to agitate for an
other miracle. That was natural. To be able to car
ry back to their far homes the boast that they had
seen the man who could command the sun, riding in
the heavens, and be obeyed, would make them great
in the eyes of their neighbors, and envied by them
all ; but to be able to also say they had seen him work
a miracle themselves — why, people would come a dis
tance to see them. The pressure got to be pretty
strong. There was going to be an eclipse of the
moon, and I knew the date and hour, but it was too
far away. Two years. I would have given a good
deal for license to hurry it up and use it now when
there was a big market for it. It seemed a great pity
to have it wasted, so, and come lagging along at a
time when a body wouldn't have any use for it as like
as not. If it had been booked for only a month away,
I could have sold it short ; but as matters stood, I
52
couldn't seem to cipher out any way to make it do me
any good, so I gave up trying. Next, Clarence found
that old Merlin was making himself busy on the sly
among those people. He was spreading a report that
I was a humbug, and that the reason I didn't accom
modate the people with a miracle was because I
couldn't. I saw that I must do something. I pres
ently thought out a plan.
By my authority as executive I threw Merlin into
prison — the same cell 1 had occupied myself. Then
I gave public notice by herald and trumpet that I
should be busy with affairs of state for a fortnight,
but about the end of that time I would take a mo
ment's leisure and blow up Merlin's stone tower by
fires from heaven ; in the meantime, whoso listened to
evil reports about me, let him beware. Furthermore,
I would perform but this one miracle at this time, and
no more ; if it failed to satisfy and any murmured, I
would turn the murmurers into horses, and make them
useful. Quiet ensued.
I took Clarence into my confidence, to a certain de
gree, and we went to work privately. I told him that
this was a sort of miracle that required a trifle of prep
aration, and that it would be sudden death to ever talk
about these preparations to anybody. That made his
mouth safe enough. Clandestinely we made a few
bushels of first-rate blasting- powder, and I superin
tended my armorers while they constructed a light
ning-rod and some wires. This old stone tower was
very massive — and rather ruinous, too, for it was Ro
man, and four hundred years old. Yes, and hand
some, after a rude fashion, and clothed with ivy from
base to summit, as with a shirt of scale mail. It stood
53
on a lonely eminence, in good view from the castle,
and about half a mile away.
Working by night, we stowed the powder in the
tower — dug stones out, on the inside, and buried the
powder in the walls themselves, which were fifteen
feet thick at the base. We put in a peck at a time,
in a dozen places. We could have blown up the
Tower of London with these charges. When the
thirteenth night was come we put up our lightning-
rod, bedded it in one of the batches of powder, and
ran wires from it to the other batches. Everybody
had shunned that locality from the day of my proc
lamation, but on the morning of the fourteenth I
thought best to warn the people, through the heralds,
to keep clear away — a quarter of a mile away. Then
added, by command, that at some time during the
twenty-four hours I would consummate the miracle,
but would first give a brief notice; by flags on the
castle towers, if in the daytime, by torch-baskets in
the same places if at night.
Thunder -showers had been tolerably frequent of
late, and I was not much afraid of a failure ; still, I
shouldn't have cared for a delay of a day or two ; I
should have explained that I was busy with affairs of
state, yet, and the people must wait.
Of course we had a blazing sunny day — almost the
first one without a cloud for three weeks; things al
ways happen so. I kept secluded, and watched the
weather. Clarence dropped in from time to time and
said the public excitement was growing and growing
all the time, and the whole country filling up with hu
man masses as far as one could see from the battle
ments. At last the wind sprang up and a cloud ap-
5CY
54
peared — in the right quarter, too, and just at nightfall.
For a little while I watched that distant cloud spread
and blacken, then I judged it was time for me to ap
pear. I ordered the torch-baskets to be lit, and Mer
lin liberated and sent to me. A quarter of an hour
later I ascended the parapet and there found the king
and the court assembled and gazing off in the dark
ness toward Merlin's Tower. Already the darkness
was so heavy that one could not see far; these peo
ple, and the old turrets, being partly in deep shadow
and partly in the red glow from the great torch-bas
kets overhead, made a good deal of a picture.
Merlin arrived in a gloomy mood. I said:
" You wanted to burn me alive when I had not done
you any harm, and latterly you have been trying to
injure my professional reputation. Therefore I am
going to call down fire and blow up your tower, but
it is only fair to give you a chance ; now if you think
you can break my enchantments and ward off the fires,
step to the bat, it's your innings."
" I can, fair sir, and I will. Doubt it not."
He drew an imaginary circle on the stones of the
roof, and burnt a pinch of powder in it which sent up
a small cloud of aromatic smoke, whereat everybody
fell back, and began to cross themselves and get un
comfortable. Then he began to mutter and make
passes in the air with his hands. He worked himself
up slowly and gradually into a sort of frenzy, and got
to thrashing around with his arms like the sails of a
windmill. By this time the storm had about reached
us; the gusts of wind were flaring the torches and
making the shadows swash about, the first heavy
drops of rain were falling, the world abroad was black
55
as pitch, the lightning began to wink fitfully. Of
course my rod would be loading itself now. In fact,
things were imminent. So I said :
" You have had time enough. I have given you ev
ery advantage, 'and not interfered. It is plain your
magic is weak. It is only fair that I begin now."
I made about three passes in the air, and then there
was an awful crash and that old tower leaped into the
sky in chunks, along with a vast volcanic fountain of
fire that turned night to noonday, and showed a thou
sand acres of human beings grovelling on the ground
in a general collapse of consternation. Well, it rained
mortar and masonry the rest of the week. This was the
report; but probably the facts would have modified it.
It was an effective miracle. The great bothersome
temporary population vanished. There were a good
many thousand tracks in the mud the next morning,
but they were all outward bound. If I had advertised
another miracle I couldn't have raised an audience
with a sheriff.
Merlin's stock was flat. The king wanted to stop
his wages; he even wanted to banish him, but I inter
fered. I said he would be useful to work the weather,
and attend to small matters like that, and I would
give him a lift now and then when his poor little
parlor-magic soured on him. There wasn't a rag of
his tower left, but I had the government rebuild it for
him, and advised him to take boarders ; but he was
too high-toned for that. And as for being grateful,
he never even said thank-you. He was a rather hard
lot, take him how you might ; but then you couldn't
fairly expect a man to be sweet that had been set
back so.
CHAPTER VIII
THE BOSS
To be vested with enormous authority is a fine
thing ; but to have the on-looking world consent to
it is a finer. The tower episode solidified my power,
and made it impregnable. If any were perchance
disposed to be jealous and critical before that, they
experienced a change of heart, now. There was not
any one in the kingdom who would have considered
it good judgment to meddle with my matters.
I was fast getting adjusted to my situation and
circumstances. For a time, I u-sed to wake up, morn
ings, and smile at my "dream," and listen for the
Colt's factory whistle ; but that sort of thing played
itself out, gradually, and at last I was fully able to
realize that I was actually living in the sixth century,
and in Arthur's court, not a lunatic asylum. After
that, I was just as much at home in that century as I
could have been in any other ; and as for preference,
I wouldn't have traded it for the twentieth. Look at
ttie^opportunities here for a man of knowledge, brains,
pluck and enterprise to sail in and grow up with the
country. The grandest field that ever was; and all-
my own ; not a competitor ; not a man who wasn't a
baby to me in acquirements and capacities; whereas,
what would I amount to in the twentieth century ?
57
I should be foreman of a factory, that is about all ;
and could drag a seine down-street any day and catch
a hundred better men than myself.
What a jump I had made ! I couldn't keep from
thinking about it, and contemplating it, just as one does
who has struck oil. There was nothing back of me
that could approach it, unless it might be Joseph's
case ; and Joseph's only approached it, it didn't equal
it, quite. For it stands to reason that as Joseph's
splendid financial ingenuities advantaged nobody but
the king, the general public must have regarded him
with a good deal of disfavor, whereas I had done my
entire public a kindness in sparing the sun, and was
popular by reason of it.
I was no shadow of a king ; I was the substance ;
the king himself was the shadow. My power was
colossal; and it was not a mere name, as such things
have generally been, it was the genuine article. I
stood here, at the very spring and source of the
second great period of the world's history; and could
see the trickling stream of that history gather, and
deepen and broaden, and roll its mighty tides down
the far centuries; and I could note the upspringing
of adventurers like myself in the shelter of its long
array of thrones: De Montforts, Gavestons, Mor
timers, Villierses ; the war-making, campaign-directing
wantons of France, and Charles the Second's sceptre-
wielding drabs ; but nowhere in the procession was
my full-sized fellow visible. I was a Unique ; and
glad to know that that fact could not be dislodged or
challenged for thirteen centuries and a half, for sure.
Yes, in power I was equal to the king. At the
same time there was another power that was a trifle
$8
^tronger than both of us put together. That was the
Church. I do not wish to disguise that fact. I
couldn't, if I wanted to. But never mind about that,
now; it will show up, in its proper place, later on. It
didn't cause me any trouble in the beginning — at least
any of consequence.
Well, it was a curious country, and full of interest.
And the people ! They were the quaintest and sim
plest and trustingest race ; why, they were nothing
but rabbits. It was pitiful for a person born in a
wholesome free atmosphere to listen to their humble
and hearty outpourings of loyalty toward their king
and Church and nobility ; as if they had any more
' occasion to love and honor king and Church and
noble than a slave has to love and honor the lash, or
, a dog has to love and honor the stranger that kicks
him ! Why, dear me, any kind of royalty, howsoever
modified, any kind of aristocracy, howsoever pruned,
is rightly an insult ; but if you are born and brought
up under that sort of arrangement you probably never
find it out for yourself, and don't believe it when some
body else tells you. It is enough to make a body
ashamed of his race to think of the sort of froth that
has always occupied its thrones without shadow of
right or reason, and the seventh-rate people that have
always figured as its aristocracies — a company of mon-
'archs and nobles who, as a rule, would have achieved
.only poverty and obscurity if left, like their betters,
to their own exertions.
The most of King Arthur's British nation were slaves,
pure and simple, and bore that name, and wore the
iron collar on their necks ; and the rest were slaves in
fact, but without the name ; they imagined themselves
59
men -ind freemen, and called themselves so. The
truth was, the nation as a body was in the world for
one object, and one only : to grovel before king and
Church and noble; to slave for them, sweat blood for
them, starve that they might be fed, work that they
might play, drink misery to the dregs that they might
be happy, go naked that they might wear silks and
jewels, pay taxes that they might be spared from pay
ing them, be familiar all their lives with the degrading
language and postures of adulation that they might
walk in pride and think themselves the gods of this
world. And for all this, the thanks they got were
cuffs and contempt ; and so poor-spirited were they
that they took even this sort of attention as an honor.
Inherited ideas are a curious thing, and interesting
to observe and examine. I had mine, the king and
his people had theirs. In both cases they flowed in
ruts worn deep by time and habit, and the man who
should have proposed to divert them by reason and
argument would have had a long contract on his
hands. For instance, those people had inherited the
idea that all men without title and a long pedigree,
whether they had great natural gifts and acquirements
or hadn't, were creatures of no more consideratioi
than so many animals, bugs, insects ; whereas I hac
inherited the idea that human daws who can consent
to masquerade in the peacock-shams of inherited dig
nities and unearned titles, are of no good but to be
laughed at. The way I was looked upon was odd,
but it was natural. You know how the keeper and
the public regard the elephant in the menagerie : well,
that is the idea. They are full of admiration of his
vast bulk and his prodigious strength ; they speak
6o
with pride of the fact that he can do a hundred
marvels which are far and away beyond their own
powers ; and they speak with the same pride of the
fact that in his wrath he is able to drive a thousand
men before him. But does that make him one of
them? No; the raggedest tramp in the pit would
smile at the idea. He couldn't comprehend it ;
couldn't take it in ; couldn't in any remote way con
ceive of it. Well, to the king, the nobles, and all the
nation, down to the very slaves and tramps, I was just
that kind of an elephant, and nothing more. I was
admired, also feared ; but it was as an animal is
admired and feared. The animal is not reverenced,
neither was I ; I was not even respected. I had no
pedigree, no inherited title ; so in the king's and nobles'
eyes I was mere dirt ; the people regarded me with
wonder and awe, but there was no reverence mixed
with it ; through the force of inherited ideas they
were not able to conceive of anything being entitled
to that except pedigree and lordship. There you see
the hand of that awful power, the Roman Catholic
Church. In two or three little centuries it had con
verted a nation of men to a nation of worms. Before
the day of the Church's supremacy in the world, men
were men, and held their heads up, and had a man's
pride and spirit and independence ; and what of great
ness and position a person got, he got mainly by
achievement, not by birth. But then the Church
came to the front, with an axe to grind ; and she was
wise, subtle, and knew more than one way to skin a
cat — or a nation ; she invented " divine right of kings,"
and propped it all around, brick by brick, with the
Beatitudes — wrenching them from their good purpose
INHERITED IDEAS ARE A CURIOUS THING
6i
to make them fortify an evil one ; she preached (to
the commoner,) humility, obedience to superiors, the
beauty of self-sacrifice ; she preached (to the com
moner,) meekness under insult ; preached (still to the
commoner, always to the commoner,) patience, mean
ness of spirit, non-resistance under oppression ; and
she introduced heritable ranks and aristocracies, and
taught all the Christian populations of the earth to
bow down to them and worship them. Even down
to my birth-century that poison was still in the blood
of Christendom, and the best of English commoners
was still content to see his inferiors impudently con
tinuing to hold a number of positions, such as lord
ships and the throne, to which the grotesque laws of
his country did not allow him to aspire ; in fact he
was not merely contented with this strange condition
of things, he was even able to persuade himself that
he was proud of it. It seems to show that there isn't
anything you can't stand, if you are only born and
bred to it. Of course that taint, that reverence for
rank and title, had been in our American blood, too —
I know that; but when I left America it had disap
peared — at least to all intents and purposes. The
remnant of it was restricted to the dudes and dudess-
es. When a disease has worked its way down to that
level, it may fairly be said to be out of the system.
But to return to my anomalous position in King
Arthur's kingdom. Here I was, a giant among pig
mies, a man among children, a master intelligence
among intellectual moles: by all rational measure
ment the one and only actually great man in that
whole British world ; and yet there and then, just as
in the remote England of my birth-time, the sheep-
62
witted earl who could claim long descent from a king's
leman, acquired at second-hand from the slums of
London, was a better man than I was. Such a per
sonage was fawned upon in Arthur's realm and rever
ently looked up to by everybody, even though his
dispositions were as mean as his intelligence, and
his morals as base as his lineage. There were times
when he could sit down in the king's presence, but I
couldn't. I could have got a title easily enough, and
that would have raised me a large step in everybody's
eyes; even in the king's, the giver of it. But I didn't
ask for it ; and I declined it when it was offered. I
couldn't have enjoyed such a thing with my notions ;
and it wouldn't have been fair, anyway, because as far
back as I could go, our tribe had always been short of
the bar sinister. I couldn't have felt really and satis
factorily fine and proud and set-up over any title ex
cept one that should come from the nation itself, the
only legitimate source ; and such an one I hoped to
vwin ; and in the course of years of honest and honor
able endeavor, I did win it and did wear it with a high
and clean pride. This title fell casually from the lips
of a blacksmith, one day, in a village, was caught up
as a happy thought and tossed from mouth to mouth
with a laugh and an affirmative vote ; in ten days it
had swept the kingdom, and was become as familiar
as the king's name. I was never known by any other
designation afterwards, whether in the nation's talk or
in grave debate upon matters of state at the council-
board of the sovereign. This title, translated into
modern speech, would be THE BOSS. Elected by the
nation. That suited me. And it was a pretty high
title. There were very few THE's, and I was one of
63
them. If you spoke of the duke, or the earl, or the
bishop, how could anybody tell which one you meant ?
But if you spoke of The King or The Queen or The
Boss, it was different.
Well, I liked the king, and <7^king I respected him —
respected the office ; at least respected it as much as
I was capable of respecting any unearned supremacy;
but as men I looked down upon him and his nobles —
privately. And he and they liked me, and respected
my office ; but as an animal, without birth or sham
title, they looked down upon me — and were not par
ticularly private about it, either. I didn't charge for
my opinion about them, and they didn't charge for
their opinion about me : the account was square, the
books balanced, everybody was satisfied.
CHAPTER IX
THE TOURNAMENT
THEY were always having grand tournaments there
at Camelot ; and very stirring and picturesque and
ridiculous human bull-fights they were, too, but just a
little wearisome to the practical mind. However, I
was generally on hand — for two reasons : a man must
not hold himself aloof from the things which his friends
and his community have at heart if he would be liked
— especially as a statesman ; and both as business man
and statesman I wanted to study the tournament and
see if I couldn't invent an improvement on it. That
reminds me to remark, in passing, that the very first
official thing I did, in my administration — and it was
on the very first day of it, too — was to start a patent
office ; for I knew that a country without a patent of
fice and good patent laws was just a crab, and couldn't
travel any way but sideways or backwards.
Things ran along, a tournament nearly every week ;
and now and then the boys used to want me to take a
hand — I mean Sir Launcelot and the rest — but I said
I would by-and-by ; no hurry yet, and too much gov
ernment machinery to oil up and set to rights and
start a-going.
We had one tournament which was continued from
day to day during more than a week, and as many as
five hundred knights took part in it, from first to last.
They were weeks gathering. They came on horse
back from everywhere ; from the very ends of the
country, and even from beyond the sea ; and many
brought ladies and all brought squires, and troops of
servants. It was a most gaudy and gorgeous crowd,
as to costumery, and very characteristic of the coun
try and the time, in the way of high animal spirits, in
nocent indecencies of language, and happy-hearted in
difference to morals. It was fight or look on, all day
and every day ; and sing, gamble, dance, carouse half
the night every night. They had a most noble good
time. You never saw such people. Those banks of
beautiful ladies, shining in their barbaric splendors,
would see a knight sprawl from his horse in the lists
with a lance-shaft the thickness of your ankle clean
through him and the blood spouting, and instead of
fainting they would clap their hands and crowd each
other for a better view ; only sometimes one would
dive into her handkerchief, and look ostentatiously
broken-hearted, and then you could lay two to one
that there was a scandal there somewhere and she was
afraid the public hadn't found it out.
The noise at night would have been annoying to me
ordinarily, but I didn't mind it in the present circum
stances, because it kept me from hearing the quacks
detaching legs and arms from the day's cripples. They
ruined an uncommon good old cross-cut saw for me,
and broke the saw-buck, too, but I let it pass. And as
for my axe — well, I made up my mind that the next time
I lent an axe to a surgeon I would pick my century.
I not only watched this tournament from day to
day, but detailed an intelligent priest from my De-
SCY
66
partment of Public Morals and Agriculture, and or
dered him to report it ; for it was my purpose by-and-
by, when I should have gotten the people along far
enough, to start a newspaper. The first thing you
want in a new country, is a patent office ; then work
up your school system ; and after that, out with your
paper. A newspaper has its faults, and plenty of
them, but no matter, it's hark from the tomb for a
dead nation, and don't you forget it. You can't res
urrect a dead nation without it ; there isn't any way.
So I wanted to sample things, and be finding v out
what sort of reporter-material I might be able to rake
together out of the sixth century when I should come
to need it.
Well, the priest did very well, considering. He got
in all the details, and that is a good thing in a local
item : you see he had kept books for the undertaker-
department of his church when he was younger, and
there, you know, the money's in the details; the more de
tails, the more swag : bearers, mutes, candles, prayers,
-—everything counts; and if the bereaved don't buy
prayers enough you mark up your candles with a
forked pencil, and your bill shows up all right. And
he had a good knack at getting in the complimentary
thing here and there about a knight that was likely to
advertise — no, I mean a knight that had influence ;
and he also had a neat gift of exaggeration, for in his
time he had kept door for a pious hermit who lived in
a sty and worked miracles.
Of course this novice's report lacked whoop and crash
and lurid description, and therefore wanted the true
ring; but its antique wording was quaint and sweet
and simple, and full of the fragrances and flavors of the
time, and these little merits made up in a measure for
its more important lacks. Here is an extract from it :
Then Sir Brian de les Isles and Grummore Grummorsum,
knights of the castle, encountered with Sir Aglovale and Sir
Tor, and Sir Tor smote down Sir Grummore Grummorsum to
the earth. Then came in Sir Carados of the dolorous tower,
and Sir Turquine, knights of the castle, and there encountered
with them Sir Percivale de Galis and Sir Lamorak de Galis,
that were two brethren, and there encountered Sir Percivale
with Sir Carados, and either brake their spears unto their
hands, and then Sir Turquine with Sir Lamorak, and either of
them smote down other, horse and all, to the earth, and either
parties rescued other and horsed them again. And Sir Arnold,
and Sir Gauter, knights of the castle, encountered with Sir
Brandiles and Sir Kay, and these four knights encountered
mightily, and brake their spears to their hands. Then came
Sir Pertolope from the castle, and there encountered with him
Sir Lionel, and there Sir Pertolope the green knight smote
down Sir Lionel, brother to Sir Launcelot. All this was
marked by noble heralds, who bare him best, and their names.
Then Sir Bleobaris brake his spear upon Sir Gareth, but of
that stroke Sir Bleobaris fell to the earth. When Sir Galihodin
saw that, he bad Sir Gareth keep him, and Sir Gareth smote him
to the earth. Then Sir Galihud gat a spear to avenge his
brother, and in the same wise Sir Gareth served him, and Sir
Dinadan and his brother La Cote Male Taile, and Sir Sagra-
mor le Desirous, and Sir Dodinas le Savage; all these he bare
down with one spear. When King Agwisance of Ireland saw
Sir Gareth fare so he marvelled what he might be, that one
time seemed green, and another time, at his again coming, he
seemed blue. And thus at every course that he rode to and
fro he changed his color, so that there might neither king
nor knight have ready cognizance of him. Then Sir Agwis
ance the King of Ireland encountered with Sir Gareth, and
there Sir Gareth smote him from his horse, saddle and all.
And then came King Carados of Scotland, and Sir Gareth
smote him down horse and man. And in the same wise he
68
served King Uriens of the land of Gore. And then there came
in Sir Bagdemagus, and Sir Gareth smote him down horse and
man to the earth. And Bagdemagus's son Meliganus brake a
spear upon Sir Gareth mightily and knightly. And then Sir Ga-
lahault the noble prince cried on high, Knight with the many
colors, well hast thou justed ; now make thee ready that I may
just with thee. Sir Gareth heard him, and he gat a great spear,
and so they encountered together, and there the prince brake
his spear; but Sir Gareth smote him upon the left side of the
helm, that he reeled here and there, and he had fallen down
had not his men recovered him. Truly said King Arthur, that
knight with the many colors is a good knight. Wherefore the
king called unto him Sir Launcelot, and prayed him to en
counter with that knight. Sir, said Launcelot, I may as well
find in my heart for to forbear him at this time, for he hath
had travail enough this day, and when a good knight doth so
well upon some day, it is no good knight's part to let him of
his worship, and, namely, when he seeth a knight hath done so
great labour: for peradventure, said Sir Launcelot, his quarrel
is here this day, and peradventure he is best beloved with this
lady of all that be here, for I see well he paineth himself and
enforceth him to do great deeds, and therefore, said Sir Laun
celot, as for me, this day he shall have the honour; though it
lay in my power to put him from it, I would not.
There was an unpleasant little episode that day,
which for reasons of state I struck out of my priest's
report. You will have noticed that Garry was doing
some great fighting in the engagement. When I say
Garry I mean Sir Gareth. Garry was my private pet
name for him ; it suggests that I had a deep affection
for him, and that was the case. But it was a private
pet name only, and never spoken aloud to any one,
much less to him ; being a noble, he would not have
endured a familiarity like that from me. Well, to
proceed : I sat in the private box set apart for me
as the king's minister. While Sir Dinadan was wait-
69
ing for his turn to enter the lists, he came in there
and sat down and began to talk ; for he was always
making up to me, because I was a stranger and he
liked to have a fresh market for his jokes, the most
of them having reached that stage of wear where the
teller has to do the laughing himself while the other
person looks sick. I had always responded to his
efforts as well as I could, and felt a very deep and
real kindness for him, too, for the reason that if by
malice of fate he knew the one particular anecdote
which I had heard oftenest and had most hated and
most loathed all my life, he had at least spared it me.
It was one which I had heard attributed to every
humorous person who had ever stood on American
soil, from Columbus down to Artemus Ward. It was
about a humorous lecturer who flooded an ignorant
audience with the killingest jokes for an hour and
never got a laugh ; and then when he was leaving,
some gray simpletons wrung him gratefully by the
hand and said it had been the funniest thing they
had ever heard, and " it was all they could do to keep
from laughin' right out in meetin'." That anecdote
never saw the day that it was worth the telling ; and
yet I had sat under the telling of it hundreds and
thousands and millions and billions of times, and cried
and cursed all the way through. Then who can hope
to know what my feelings were, to hear this armor-
plated ass start in on it again, in the murky twilight of
tradition, before the dawn of history, while even Lac-
tantius might be referred to as " the late Lactantius,"
and the Crusades wouldn't be born for five hundred
years yet? Just as he finished, the call-boy came;
so, haw-hawing like a demon, he went rattling and
6CY
70
clanking out like a crate of loose castings, and I knew
nothing more. It was some minutes before I came
to, and then I opened my eyes just in time to see
Sir Gareth fetch him an awful welt, and I uncon
sciously out with the prayer, " I hope to gracious he's
killed !" But by ill-luck, before I had got half through
with the words, Sir Gareth crashed into Sir Sagramor
le Desirous and sent him thundering over his horse's
crupper, and Sir Sagramor caught my remark and
thought I meant it for him.
Well, whenever one of those people got a thing
into his head, there was no getting it out again. I
knew that, so I saved my breath, and offered no ex
planations. As soon as Sir Sagramor got well, he
notified me that there was a little account to settle
between us, and he named a day three or four years
in the future ; place of settlement, the lists where the
offence had been given. I said I would be ready
when he got back. You see, he was going for the
Holy Grail. The boys all took a flier at the Holy
Grail now and then. It was a several years' cruise.
They always put in the long absence snooping around,
in the most conscientious way, though none of them
had any idea where the Holy Grail really was, and I
don't think any of them actually expected to find it,
or would have known what to do with it if he had
run across it. You see, it was just the Northwest
Passage of that day, as you may say ; that was all.
Every year expeditions went out holy grailing, and
next year relief expeditions went out to hunt for
them. There was worlds of reputation in it, but no
money. Why, they actually wanted me to put in !
Well, I should smile.
CHAPTER X
BEGINNINGS OF CIVILIZATION
THE Round Table soon heard of the challenge, and
of course it was a good deal discussed, for such things
interested the boys. The king thought I ought now
to set forth in quest of adventures, so that I might
gain renown and be the more worthy to meet Sir Sa-
gramor when the several years should have rolled
away. I excused myself for the present ; I said it
would take me three or four years yet to get things
well fixed up and going smoothly ; then I should be
ready ; all the chances were that at the end of that
time Sir Sagramor would still be out grailing, so no
valuable time would be lost by the postponement ; I
should then have been in office six or seven years,
and I believed my system and machinery would be
so well developed that I could take a holiday without
its working any harm.
I was pretty well satisfied with what I had already
accomplished. In various quiet nooks and corners I
had the beginnings of all sorts of industries under
way — nuclei of future vast factories, the iron and
steel missionaries of my future civilization. In these
were gathered together the brightest young minds I
could find, and I kept agents out raking the country
for more, all the time. I was training a crowd of
72
ignorant folk into experts — experts in every sort of
handiwork and scientific calling. These nurseries of
mine went smoothly and privately along undisturbed
in their obscure country retreats, for nobody was al
lowed to come into their precincts without a special
permit — for I was afraid of the Church.
I had started a teacher-factory and a lot of Sunday-
schools the first thing ; as a result, I now had an
admirable system of graded schools in full blast in
those places, and also a complete variety of Protestant
congregations all in a prosperous and growing condi
tion. Everybody could be any kind of a Christian
he wanted to ; there was perfect freedom in that mat
ter. But I confined public religious teaching to the
churches and the Sunday-schools, permitting nothing
of it in my other educational buildings. I could have
given my own sect the preference and made every
body a Presbyterian without any trouble, but that
would have been to affront a law of human nature :
spiritual wants and instincts are as various in the
human family as are physical appetites, complexions,
and features, and a man is only at his best, morally,
when he is equipped with the religious garment whose
color and shape and size most nicely accommodate
themselves to the spiritual complexion, angularities,
and stature of the individual who wears it ; and be
sides I was afraid of a united Church ; it makes a
mighty power, the mightiest conceivable, and then
when it by-and-by gets into selfish hands, as it is al
ways bound to do, it means death to human liberty,
and paralysis to human thought.
All mines were royal property, and there were a
good many of them. They had formerly been worked
73
as savages always work mines — holes grubbed in the
earth and the mineral brought up in sacks of hide by
hand, at the rate of a ton a day ; but I had begun to
put the mining on a scientific basis as early as I
could.
Yes, I had made pretty handsome progress when
Sir Sagramor's challenge struck me.
Four years rolled by — and then ! Well, you would
never imagine it in the world. Unlimited power is.
the ideal thing when it is in safe hands. The des
potism of heaven is the one absolutely perfect gov
ernment. An earthly despotism would be the abso
lutely perfect earthly government, if the conditions
were the same, namely, the despot the perfectest in
dividual of the human race, and his lease of life per
petual. But as a perishable perfect man must die,
and leave his despotism in the hands of an imperfect
successor, an earthly despotism is not merely a bad
form of government, it is the worst form that is
possible.
My works showed what a despot could do with the
resources of a kingdom at his command. Unsus
pected by this dark land, I had the civilization of the
nineteenth century booming under its very nose ! It
was fenced away from the public view, but there it
was, a gigantic and unassailable fact — and to be
heard from, yet, if I lived and had luck. There it
was, as sure a fact, and as substantial a fact as any
serene volcano, standing innocent with its smokeless
summit in the blue sky and giving no sign of the
rising hell in its bowels. My schools and churches
were children four years before ; they were grown-up,
now ; my shops of that day were vast factories, now ;
74
where I had a dozen trained men then, I had a thou
sand, now ; where I had one brilliant expert then, I
had fifty now. I stood with my hand on the cock, so
to speak, ready to turn it on and flood the midnight
world with light at any moment. But I was not go
ing to do the thing in that sudden way. It was not
my policy. The people could not have stood it ; and
moreover I should have had the Established Roman
Catholic Church on my back in a minute.
No, I had been going cautiously all the while. I
had had confidential agents trickling through the
country some time, whose office was to undermine
knighthood by imperceptible degrees, and to gnaw a
little at this and that and the other superstition, and
so prepare the way gradually for a better order of
things. I was turning on my light one-candle-power
at a time, and meant to continue to do so.
I had scattered some branch schools secretly about
the kingdom, and they were doing very well. I meant
to work this racket more and more, as time wore on,
if nothing occurred to frighten me. One of my
deepest secrets was my West Point — my military
academy. I kept that most jealously out of sight ;
and I did the same with my naval academy which I
had established at a remote seaport. Both were
prospering to my satisfaction.
Clarence was twenty - two now, and was my head
executive, my right hand. He was a darling; he was
equal to anything ; there wasn't anything he couldn't
.* turn his hand to. Of late I had been training him
j for journalism, for the time seemed about right for a
^ start in the newspaper line; nothing big, but just a
'small weekly for experimental circulation in my civili-
75
zation-nurseries. He took to it like a duck ; there \
was an editor concealed in him, sure. Already he
had doubled himself in one way ; he talked sixth
century and wrote nineteenth. His journalistic style i
was climbing, steadily ; it was already up to the back *
settlement Alabama mark, and couldn't be told
from the editorial output of that region either by
matter or flavor.
We had another large departure on hand, too.
This was a telegraph and a telephone ; our first vent
ure in this line. These wires were for private service
only, as yet, and must be kept private until a riper
day should come. We had a gang of men on the
road, working mainly by night. They were stringing
ground wires ; we were afraid to put up poles, for
they would attract too much inquiry. Ground wires
were good enough, in both instances, for my wires
were protected by an insulation of my own invention
which was perfect. My men had orders to strike
across country, avoiding roads, and establishing con
nection with any considerable towns whose lights
betrayed their presence, and leaving experts in charge.
Nobody could tell you how to find any place in the
kingdom, for nobody ever went intentionally to any
place, but only struck it by accident in his wander
ings, and then generally left it without thinking to in
quire what its name was. At one time and another
we had sent out topographical expeditions to survey
and map the kingdom, but the priests had always in
terfered and raised trouble. So we had given the
thing up, for the present ; it would be poor wisdom
to antagonize the Church.
As for the general condition of the country, it was
76
as it had been when I arrived in it, to all intents and
purposes. I had made changes, but they were neces
sarily slight, and they were not noticeable. Thus far,
I had not even meddled with taxation, outside of the
taxes which provided the royal revenues. I had sys
tematized those, and put the service on an effec
tive and righteous basis. As a result, these revenues
were already quadrupled, and yet the burden was so
m,uch more equably distributed than before, that all
the kingdom felt a sense of relief, and the praises of
my administration were hearty and general.
Personally, I struck an interruption, now, but I did
not mind it, it could not have happened at a better time.
Earlier it could have annoyed me, but now every
thing was in good hands and swimming right along.
The king had reminded me several times, of late, that
the postponement I had asked for, four years before,
had about run out, now. It was a hint that I ought
to be starting out to seek adventures and get up a
reputation of a size to make me worthy of the honor
of breaking a lance with Sir Sagramor, who was still
out grailing, but was being hunted for by various
relief expeditions, and might be found any year, now.
So you see I was expecting this interruption ; it did
not take me by surprise.
CHAPTER XI
THE YANKEE IN SEARCH OF ADVENTURES
•THERE never was such a country for wandering
liars ; and they were of both sexes. • Hardly a month
went by without one of these tramps arriving ; and
generally loaded with a tale about some princess or
other wanting help to get her out of some far-away
castle where she was held in captivity by a lawless
scoundrel, usually a giant. Now you would think
that the first thing the king would do after listening
to such a novelette from an entire stranger, would be
to ask for credentials — yes, and a pointer or two as to
locality of castle, best route to it, and so on. But no
body ever thought of so simple and common-sense a
thing as that. No, everybody swallowed these peo
ple's lies whole, and never asked a question of any
sort or about anything. Well, one day when I was
not around, one of these people came along — it was a
she one, this time — and told a tale of the usual pat
tern. Her mistress was a captive in a vast and
gloomy castle, along with forty-four other young and
beautiful girls, pretty much all of them princesses ;
they had been languishing in that cruel captivity for
twenty-six years ; the masters of the castle were three
stupendous brothers, each with four arms and one eye
— the eye in the centre of the forehead, and as big as
78
a fruit. Sort of fruit not mentioned ; their usual
slovenliness in statistics.
Would you believe it? The king and the whole
Round Table were in raptures over this preposterous
opportunity for adventure. Every knight of the Table
jumped for the chance, and begged for it ; but to
their vexation and chagrin the king conferred it upon
me, who had not asked for it at all.
By an effort, I contained my joy when Clarence
brought me the news. But he — he could not contain
his. His mouth gushed delight and gratitude in a
steady discharge — delight in my good fortune, grati
tude to the king for this splendid mark of his favor
for me. He could keep neither his legs nor his body
still, but pirouetted about the place in an airy ecstasy
of happiness.
On my side, I could have cursed the kindness that
conferred upon me this benefaction, but I kept my
vexation under the surface for policy's sake, and did
what I could to let on to be glad. Indeed, I said I
was glad. And in a way it was true ; I was as glad
as a person is when he is scalped.
Well, one must make the best of things, and not
waste time with useless fretting, but get down to
business and see what can be done. In all lies there
is wheat among the chaff ; I must get at the wheat in
this case : so I sent for the girl and she came. She
was a comely enough creature, and soft and modest,
but if signs went for anything, she didn't know as
much as a lady's watch. I said —
" My dear, have you been questioned as to partic
ulars?"
She said she hadn't.
79
" Well, I didn't expect you had, but I thought I
would ask to make sure ; it's the way I've been raised.
Now you mustn't take it unkindly if I remind you
that as we don't know you, we must go a little slow.
You may be all right, of course, and we'll hope that
you are ; but to take it for granted isn't business.
You understand that. I'm obliged to ask you a few
questions; just answer up fair and square, and don't
be afraid. Where do you live, when you are at home ?"
" In the land of Moder, fair sir."
" Land of Moder. I don't remember hearing of it
before. Parents living?"
" As to that, I know not if they be yet on live, sith
it is many years that I have lain shut up in the
castle."
" Your name, please ?"
" I hight the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise, an
it please you."
" Do you know anybody here who can identify
you ?"
11 That were not likely, fair lord, I being come hither
now for the first time."
" Have you brought any letters — any documents —
any proofs that you are trustworthy and truthful?"
" Of a surety, no ; and wherefore should I ? Have
I not a tongue, and cannot I say all that myself?"
" "But your saying it, you know, and somebody else's
saying it, is different."
"Different? How might that be? I fear me I do
not understand."
" Don't understand? Land of — why, you see — you
see — why, great Scott, can't you understand a little
thing like that? Can't you understand the difference
8o
between your — why do you look so innocent and idi
otic !"
" I ? In truth I know not, but an it were the will
of God."
"Yes, yes, I reckon that's about the size of it.
Don't mind my seeming excited; I'm not. Let us
change the subject. Now as to this castle, with forty-
five princesses in it, and three ogres at the head of it,
tell me — where is this harem ?"
" Harem ?"
" The castle, you understand ; where is the castle ?"
" Oh, as to that, it is great, and strong, and well
beseen, and lieth in a far country. Yes, it is many
leagues."
" How many ?"
" Ah, fair sir, it were woundily hard to tell, they are
so many, and do so lap the one upon the other, and
being made all in the same image and tincted with
the same color, one may not know the one league
from its fellow, nor how to count them except they
be taken apart, and ye wit well it were God's work to
do that, being not within man's capacity ; for ye will
note—"
" Hold on, hold on, never mind about the distance;
whereabouts does the castle lie ? What's the direction
from here?"
" Ah, please you sir, it hath no direction from here ;
by reason that the road lieth not straight, but turneth
evermore ; wherefore the direction of its place abideth
not, but is sometime under the one sky and anon un
der another, whereso if ye be minded that it is in the
east, and wend thitherward, ye shall observe that the
way of the road doth yet again turn upon itself by the
GREAT SCOTT ! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND A LITTLE THING LIKE
THAT?' "
Si
space of half a circle, and this marvel happing again
and yet again and still again, it will grieve you that
you had thought by vanities of the mind to thwart
and bring to naught the will of Him that giveth not a
castle a direction from a place except it pleaseth Him,
and if it please Him not, will the rather that even
all castles and all directions thereunto vanish out of
the earth, leaving the places wherein they tarried des
olate and vacant, so warning His creatures that where
He will He will, and where He will not He —
" Oh, that's all right, that's all right, give us a rest ;
never mind about the direction, hang the direction —
I beg pardon, I beg a thousand pardons, I am not well
to-day ; pay no attention when I soliloquize, it is an
old habit, an old, bad habit, and hard to get rid of
when one's digestion is all disordered with eating food
that was raised forever and ever before he was born ;
good land ! a man can't keep his functions regular
on spring chickens thirteen hundred years old. But
come — never mind about that; let's — have you got
such a thing as a map of that region about you ?
Now a good map — "
" Is it peradventure that manner of thing which of
late the unbelievers have brought from over the great
seas, which, being boiled in oil, and an onion and salt
added thereto, doth—
" What, a map ? What are you talking about ?
Don't you know what a map is ? There, there, never
mind, don't explain, I hate explanations ; they fog a
thing up so that you can't tell anything about it.
Run along, dear; good -day; show her the way, Clar
ence."
Oh, well, it was reasonably plain, now, why these
6CY
52
donkeys didn't prospect these liars for details. It
may be that this girl had a fact in her somewhere,
but I don't believe you could have sluiced it out with
a hydraulic ; nor got it with the earlier forms of blast
ing, even ; it was a case for dynamite. Why, she was
a perfect ass ; and yet the king and his knights had
listened to her as if she had been a leaf out of the gos
pel. It kind of sizes up the whole party. And think
of the simple ways of this court : this wandering wench
hadn't any more trouble to get access to the king in
his palace than she would have had to get into the
poor-house in my day and country. In fact he was
glad to see her, glad to hear her tale ; with that ad
venture of hers to offer, she was as welcome as a corpse
is to a coroner.
Just as I was ending-up these reflections, Clarence
came back. I remarked upon the barren result of
my efforts with the girl ; hadn't got hold of a single
point that could help me to find the castle. The
youth looked a little surprised, or puzzled, or some
thing, and intimated that he had been wondering to
himself what I had wanted to ask the girl all those
questions for.
" Why, great guns," I said, " don't I want to find
the castle ? And how else would I go about it ?"
" La, sweet your worship, one may lightly answer
that, I ween. She will go with thee. They always
do. She will ride with thee."
" Ride with me ? Nonsense !"
" But of a truth she will. She will ride with thee.
Thou shalt see."
" What ? She browse around the hills and scour the
woods with me — alone — and I as good as engaged to
be married ? Why, it's scandalous. Think how it
would look."
My, the dear face that rose before me ! The boy
was eager to know all about this tender matter. I
swore him to secrecy and then whispered her name- -
" Puss Flanagan." He looked disappointed, and said
he didn't remember the countess. How natural it was
for the little courtier to give her a rank. He asked me
where she lived.
"In East Har — ' I came to myself and stopped,
a little confused ; then I said, " Never mind, now* I'll
tell you sometime."
And might he see her ? Would I let him see her
some day ?
It was but a little thing to promise — thirteen hun
dred years or so — and he so eager j so I said Yes.
But I sighed ; I couldn't help it. And yet there was
no sense in sighing, for she wasn't born yet. But that
is the way we are made : we don't reason, where we
feel ; we just feel.
My expedition was all the talk that day and that
night, and the boys were very good to me, and made
much of me, and seemed to have forgotten their vexa
tion and disappointment, and come to be as anxious for
me to hive those ogres and set those ripe old virgins
loose as if it were themselves that had the contract.
Well, they were good children — but just children, that
is all. And they gave me no end of points about how to
scout for giants, and how to scoop them in ; and they told
me all sorts of charms against enchantments, and gave
me salves and other rubbish to put on my wounds. But
it never occurred to one of them to reflect that if I
was such a wonderful necromancer as I was pretend-
84
ing to be, I ought not to need salves or instructions,
or charms against enchantments, and least of all, arms
and armor, on a foray of any kind — even against fire-
spouting dragons, and devils hot from perdition, let
alone such poor adversaries as these I was after, these
commonplace ogres of the back settlements.
I was to have an early breakfast, and start at dawn,
for that was the usual way; but I had the demon's
own time with my armor, and this delayed me a little.
It is troublesome to get into, and there is so much
detail. First you wrap a layer or two of blanket
around your body, for a sort of cushion and to keep
off the cold iron ; then you put on your sleeves and
shirt of chain-mail — these are made of small steel links
woven together, and they form a fabric so flexible that
if you toss your shirt onto the floor, it slumps into a
pile like a peck of wet fish-net ; it is very heavy and
is nearly the uncomfortablest material in the world for
a night-shirt, yet plenty used it for that — tax collec
tors, and reformers, and one-horse kings with a de
fective title, and those sorts of people ; then you put
on your shoes — flat-boats roofed over with interleav
ing bands of steel — and screw your clumsy spurs into
the heels. Next you buckle your greaves on your
legs, and your cuisses on your thighs ; then come
your backplate and your breastplate, and you begin
to feel crowded ; then you hitch onto the breastplate
the half-petticoat of broad overlapping bands of steel
which hangs down in front but is scolloped out be
hind so you can sit down, and isn't any real improve
ment on an inverted coal scuttle, either for looks or
for wear, or to wipe your hands on ; next you belt
on your sword ; then you put your stove-pipe joints
8$
onto your arms, your iron gauntlets onto your hands,
your iron rat-trap onto your head, with a rag of steel
web hitched onto it to hang over the back of your
neck — and there you are, snug as a candle in a candle-
mould. This is no time to dance. Well, a man that
is packed away like that, is a nut that isn't worth the
cracking, there is so little of the meat, when you get
down to it, by comparison with the shell.
The boys helped me, or I never could have got in.
Just as we finished, Sir Bedivere happened in, and I
saw that as like as not I hadn't chosen the most con
venient outfit for a long trip. How stately he looked ;
and tall and broad and grand. He had on his head a
conical steel casque that only came down to his ears,
and for visor had only a narrow steel bar that ex
tended down to his upper lip and protected his nose ;
and all the rest of him, from neck to heel, was flexible
chain-mail, trousers and all. But pretty much all of
him was hidden under his outside garment, which of
course was of chain-mail, as I said, and hung straight
from his shoulders to his ankles ; and from his middle
to the bottom, both before and behind, was divided,
so that he could ride and let the skirts hang down on
each side. He was going grailing, and it was just the
outfit for it, too. I would have given a good deal for
that ulster, but it was too late now to be fooling
around. The sun was just up, the king and the court
were all on hand to see me off and wish me luck ; so
it wouldn't be etiquette for me to tarry. You don't
get on your horse yourself ; no, if you tried it you
would get disappointed. They carry you out, just as
they carry a sun-struck man to the drug store, and put
you on, and help get you to rights, and fix your feet
86
in the stirrups ; and all the while you do feel so
strange and stuffy and like somebody else — like some
body that has been married on a sudden, or struck by
lightning, or something like that, and hasn't quite
fetched around, yet, and is sort of numb, and can't
just get his bearings. Then they stood up the mast
they called a spear, in its socket by my left foot, and
I gripped it with my hand ; lastly they hung my shield
around my neck, and I was all complete and ready to
up anchor and get to sea. Everybody was as good to
me as they could be, and a maid of honor gave me
the stirrup-cup her own self. There was nothing
more to do, now, but for that damsel to get up be
hind me on a pillion, which she did, and put an arm
or so around me to hold on.
And so we started ; and everybody gave us a good
bye and waved their handkerchiefs or helmets. And
everybody we met, going down the hill and through
the village was respectful to us, except some shabby
little boys on the outskirts. They said —
" Oh, what a guy !" And hove clods at us.
In my experience boys are the same in all ages.
They don't respect anything, they don't care for any
thing or anybody. They say " Go up, baldhead " to
the prophet going his unoffending way in the gray of
antiquity ; they sass me in the holy gloom of the Mid
dle Ages; and I had seen them act the same way in
Buchanan's administration ; I remember, because I
was there and helped. The prophet had his bears and
settled with his boys ; and I wanted to get down and
settle with mine, but it wouldn't answer, because I
couldn't have got up again. I hate a country without
a derrick.
CHAPTER XII
SLOW TORTURE
STRAIGHT off, we were in the country. It was most
lovely and pleasant in those sylvan solitudes in the
early cool morning in the first freshness of autumn.
From hill-tops we saw fair green valleys lying spread
out below, with streams winding through them, and
island-groves of trees here and there, and huge, lonely
oaks scattered about and casting black blots of shade;
and beyond the valleys we saw the ranges of hills,
blue with haze, stretching a\vay in billowy perspective
to the hbrizon, with at wide intervals a dim fleck of
white or gray on a wave-summit, which we knew was
a castle. We crossed broad natural lawns sparkling
with dew, and we^ moved like spirits, the cushioned
turf giving out no sound of foot-fall ; we dreamed
along through glades in a-mist of green light that got
its tint from the sun-drenched roof of leaves over
head, and by our feet the clearest and coldest of run
lets went frisking and gossiping over its reefs and
making a sort of whispering music comfortable to
hear ; and at times we left the world behind and
entered into th£ solemn great deeps and rich gloom
of the forest, where furtive wild things whisked and
scurried by and were gone before you could even get
your eye on the place where the noise was ; and where
88
only the earliest birds were turning out and getting to
business with a song here and a quarrel yonder and
a mysterious far-off hammering and drumming for
worms on a tree-trunk away somewhere in the im
penetrable remotenesses of the woods. And by-and-
by out we would swing again into the glare.
About the third or fourth or fifth time that we
swung out into the glare — it was along there some
where, a couple of hours or so after sun-up — it wasn't
as pleasant as it had been. It was beginning to get
hot. This was quite noticeable. We had a very long
pull, after that, without any shade. Now it is curious
how progressively little frets grow and multiply after
they once get a start. Things which I didn't mind
at all, at first, I began to mind now — and more and
more, too, all the time. The first ten or fifteen times
I wanted my handkerchief I didn't seem to care ; I
got along, and said never mind, it isn't any matter,
and dropped it out of my mind. But now it was
different ; I wanted it all the time ; it was nag, nag,
nag, right along, and no rest; I couldn't get it out of
my mind ; and so at last I lost my temper and said
hang a man that would make a suit of armor with
out any pockets in it. You see I had my handker
chief in my helmet ; and some other things ; but it
was that kind of a helmet that you can't take off
by yourself. That hadn't occurred to me when I put
it there ; and in fact I didn't know it. I supposed
it would be particularly convenient there. And so
now, the thought of its being there, so handy and
close by, and yet not get-at-able, made it all the
worse and the harder to bear. Yes, the thing that
you can't get is the thing that you want, mainly;
89
every one has noticed that. Well, it took my mind
off from everything else ; took it clear off, and centred
it in my helmet ; and mile after mile, there it stayed,
imagining the handkerchief, picturing the handker.
chief ; and it was bitter and aggravating to have the
salt sweat keep trickling down into my eyes, and 1
couldn't get at it. It seems like a little thing, on pa
per, but it was not a little thing at all; it was the most
real kind of misery. I would not say it if it was not
so. I made up my mind that I would carry along a
reticule next time, let it look how it might, and people
say what they would. Of course these irons dudes of
the Round Table would think it was scandalous, and
maybe raise Sheol about it, but as for me, give me
comfort first, and style afterwards. So we jogged
along, and now and then we struck a stretch of dust,
and it would tumble up in clouds and get into my
nose and make me sneeze and cry ; and of course I
said things I oughtn't to have said, I don't deny that.
I am not better than others. We couldn't seem to
meet anybody in this lonesome Britain, not even an
ogre ; and in the mood I was in then, it was well for
the ogre ; that is, an ogre with a handkerchief. Most
knights would have thought of nothing but getting
his armor; but so I got his bandanna, he could keep
his hardware, for all me.
Meantime it was getting hotter and hotter in there.
You see, the sun was beating down and warming up
the iron more and more all the time. Well, when
you are hot, that way, every little thing irritates you.
When"*! trotted, I rattled like a crate of dishes, and
that annoyed me; and moreover I couldn't seem to
stand that shield slatting and banging, now about my
9Q
breast, now around my back ; and if I dropped into a
walk my joints creaked and screeched in that weari
some way that a wheelbarrow does, and as we didn't
create any breeze at that gait, I was like to get fried
in that stove; and besides, the quieter you went the
heavier the iron settled down on you and the more
and more tons you seemed to weigh every minute.
And you had to be always changing hands, and pass
ing your spear over to the other foot, it got so irk
some for one hand to hold it long at a time.
Well, you know, when you perspire that way, in
rivers, there comes a time when you — when you —
well, when you itch. You are inside, your hands are
outside; so there you are; nothing but iron between.
It is not a light thing, let it sound as it may. First
it is one place; then another; then some more; and
it goes on spreading and spreading, and at last the
territory is all occupied, and nobody can imagine what
you feel like, nor how unpleasant it is. And when
it had got to the worst, and it seemed to me that
I could not stand anything more, a fly got in through
the bars and settled on my nose, and the bars were
stuck and wouldn't work, and I couldn't get the visor
up ; and I could only shake my head, which was bak-
.ing hot by this time, and the fly — well, you know
how a fly acts when he has got a certainty — he only
minded the shaking enough to change from nose to
lip, and lip to ear, and buzz and buzz all around in
there, and keep on lighting and b:,ting, in a way that
a person already so distressed as I was, simply could
not stand. So I gave in, and got Alisande to unship
the helmet and relieve me of it. Then she emptied
the conveniences out of it and fetched it full of
f&vr s '-r*>f i*- •-'.•> - ?• r^ - *s w^*
,r;4ffe- ^ ^(ZLy
^ , , ^ '•v^. .-'^ ( , r/ . : ^
- f ' C c • ' j , " . x
SHE CONTINUED TO FETCH AND POUR UNTIL I WAS WELL SOAKED
91
water, and I drank and then stood up and she poured
the rest down inside the armor. One cannot think
how refreshing it was. She continued to fetch and
pour until I was well soaked and thoroughly comfort
able.
It was good to have a rest — and peace. But noth
ing is quite perfect in this life, at any time. I had
made a pipe a while back, and also some pretty fair
tobacco ; not the real thing, but what some of the
Indians use: the inside bark of the willow, dried.
These comforts had been in the helmet, and now I
had them again, but no matches.
Gradually, as the time wore along, one annoying
fact was borne in upon my understanding — that we
were weather-bound. An armed novice cannot mount
his horse without help and plenty of it. Sandy was
not enough ; not enough for me, anyway. We had to
wait until somebody should come along. Waiting, in
silence, would have been agreeable enough, for I was
full of matter for reflection, and wanted to give it a
chance to work. I wanted to try and think out how
it was that rational or even half-rational men could
ever have learned to wear armor, considering its incon
veniences ; and how they had managed to keep up
such a fashion for generations when it was plain that
what I had suffered to-day they had had to suffer all
the days of their lives. I wanted to think that out ;
and moreover I wanted to think out some way to re
form this evil and persuade the people to let the fool
ish fashion die out ; but thinking was out of the ques
tion in the circumstances. You couldn't think, where
Sandy was. She was a quite biddable creature and
good-hearted, but she had a flow of talk that was as
92
steady as a mill, and made your head sore like the
drays and wagons in a city. If she had had a cork
she would have been a comfort. But you can't cork
that kind ; they would die. Her clack was going all
day, and you would think something would surely
happen to her works, by-and-by; but no, they never
got out of order; and she never had to slack up for
words. She could grind, and pump, and churn and
buzz by the week, and never stop to oil up or blow
out. And yet the result was just nothing but wind.
She never had any ideas, any more than a fog has.
She was a perfect blatherskite ; I mean for jaw, jaw,
jaw, talk, talk, talk, jabber, jabber, jabber ; but just as
good as she could be. I hadn't minded her mill that
morning, on account of having that hornet's nest of
other troubles ; but more than once in the afternoon
I had to say —
" Take a rest, child ; the way you are using up all
the domestic air, the kingdom will have to go to im
porting it by to-morrow, and it's a low enough treas
ury without that."
CHAPTER XIIL
FREEMEN !
YES, it is strange how little a while at a time a per
son can be contented. Only a little while back, when
I was riding and suffering, what a heaven this peace,
this rest, this sweet serenity in this secluded shady
nook by this purling stream would have seemed,
where I could keep perfectly comfortable all the time
by pouring a dipper of water into my armor now and
then ; yet already I was getting dissatisfied ; partly
because I could not light my pipe — for although I
had long ago started a match factory, I had forgotten
to bring matches with me — and partly because we
had nothing to eat. Here was another illustration of
the childlike improvidence of this age and people. A
man in armor always trusted to chance for his food
on a journey, and would have been scandalized at the
idea of hanging a basket of sandwiches on his spear.
There was probably not a knight of all the Round
Table combination who would not rather have died
than been caught carrying such a thing as that on his
flagstaff. And yet there could not be anything more
sensible. It had been my intention to smuggle a
couple of sandwiches into my helmet, but I was inter
rupted in the act, and had to make an excuse and lay
them aside, and a dog got them.
94
Night approached, and with it a storm. The dark
ness came on fast. We must camp, of course. I
found a good shelter for the demoiselle under a rock,
and went off and found another for myself. But I
was obliged to remain in my armor, because I could
not get it off by myself and yet could not allow Ali-
sande to help, because it would have seemed so like
undressing before folk. It would not have amounted
to that in reality, because I had clothes on under
neath ; but the prejudices of one's breeding are not
gotten rid of just at a jump, and I knew that when it
came to stripping off that bob-tailed iron petticoat I
should be embarrassed.
With the storm came a change of weather ; and the
stronger the wind blew, and the wilder the rain lashecl
around, the colder and colder it got. Pretty soon,
various kinds of bugs and ants and worms and things
began to flock in out of the wet and crawl down
inside my armor to get warm ; and while some of
them behaved well enough, and smuggled up amongst
my clothes and got quiet, the majority were of a rest
less, uncomfortable sort, and never stayed still, but
went on prowling and hunting for they did not know
what ; especially the ants, which went tickling along
in wearisome procession from one end of me to the
other by the hour, and are a kind of creatures which
I never wish to sleep with again. It would be my
advice to persons situated in this way, to not roll or
thrash around, because this excites the interest of all
the different sorts of animals and makes every last one
of them want to turn out and see what is going on,
and this makes things worse than they were before, and
of course makes you objurgate harder, too, if you can.
95
Still, if one did not roll and thrash around he would
die ; so perhaps it is as well to do one way as the other,
there is no real choice. Even after I was frozen solid
I could still distinguish that tickling, just as a corpse
does when he is taking electric treatment. I said I
would never wear armor after this trip.
All those trying hours whilst I was frozen and yet
was in a living fire, as you may say, on account of that
swarm of crawlers, that same unanswerable question
kept circling and circling through my tired head :
How do people stand this miserable armor ? How
have they managed to stand it all these generations?
How can they sleep at night for dreading the tortures
of next day ?
When the morning came at last, I was in a bad
enough plight : seedy, drowsy, fagged, from want of
sleep ; weary from thrashing around, famished from
long fasting; pining for a bath, and to get rid of the
animals ; and crippled with rheumatism. And how
had it fared with the nobly born, the titled aristocrat,
the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise? Why, she
was as fresh as a squirrel ; she had slept like the
dead ; and as for a bath, probably neither she nor
any other noble in the land had ever had one, and so
she was not missing it. Measured by modern stand
ards, they were merely modified savages, tnose peo-
pje. Tliis noble lady showed no impatience to get to
breakfast — and that smacks of the savage, too. On
their journeys those Britons were used to long fasts,
and knew how to bear them ; and also how to freight
up against probable fasts before starting, after the
stvl.e of the Indian and the anaconda. As like as not,
Sandy was loaded for a three-day stretch.
We were off before sunrise, Sandy riding and I
limping along behind. In half an hour we came
upon a group of ragged poor creatures who had as
sembled to mend the thing which was regarded as a
road. They were as humble as animals to me ; and
when I proposed to breakfast with them, they were so
flattered, so ovenvhelmed by this extraordinary con
descension of mine that at first they were not able to
believe that I was in earnest. My lady put up her
scornful lip and withdrew to one side ; she said in
their hearing that she would as soon think of eating
with the other cattle — a remark which embarrassed
these poor devils merely because it referred to them,
and not because it insulted or offended them, for it
didn't. And yet they were not slaves, not chattels.
By a sarcasm of law and phrase they were freemen.
Seven -tenths of the free population of the country
were of just their class and degree : small " indepen
dent " farmers, artisans, etc. ; which is to say, they were
the nation, the actual Nation ; they were about all of it
that was useful, or worth saving, or really respectworthy ;
and to subtract them would have been to subtract the
Nation and leave behind some dregs, some refuse, in
the shape of a king, nobility and gentry, idle, unpro
ductive, acquainted mainly with the arts of wasting
tnd destroying, and of no sort of use or value in any
rationally constructed world. And yet, by ingenious
contrivance, this gilded minority, instead of being in
the tail of the procession where it belonged, was
marching head up and banners flying, at the other
end of it ; had elected itself to be the Nation, and
these innumerable clams had permitted it so long that
they had come at last to accept it as a truth ; and not
97
only that, but to believe it right and as it should be.
The priests had told their fathers and themselves that
this ironical state of things was ordained of God; and
so, not reflecting upon how unlike God it would be to
amuse himself with sarcasms, and especially such poor
transparent ones as this, they had dropped the matter
there and become respectfully quiet.
The talk of these meek people had a strange enough
sound in a formerly American ear. They were free
men, but they could not leave the estates of their
lord or their bishop without his permission; they
could not prepare their own bread, but must have
their corn ground and their bread baked at his mill
and his bakery, and pay roundly for the same ; they
could not sell a piece of their own property without
paying him a handsome percentage of the proceeds,
nor buy a piece of somebody else's without remem
bering him in cash for the privilege ; they had to har
vest his grain for him gratis, and be ready to come at
a moment's notice, leaving their own crop to destruc
tion by the threatened storm ; they had to let him
plant fruit trees in their fields, and then keep their
indignation to themselves when his heedless fruit
gatherers trampled the grain around the trees ; they
had to smother their anger when his hunting parties
galloped through their fields laying waste the result
of their patient toil ; they were not allowed to keep
doves themselves, and when the swarms from my
lord's dovecote settled on their crops they must not
lose their temper and kill a bird, for awful would the
penalty be ; when the harvest was at last gathered,
then came the procession of robbers to levy their
blackmail upon it : first the Church carted off its fat
tenth, then the king's commissioner took his twenti
eth, then my lord's people made a mighty inroad
upon the remainder ; after which, the skinned freeman
had liberty to bestow the remnant in his barn, in case
it was worth the trouble ; there were taxes, and taxes,
and taxes, and more taxes, and taxes again, and yet
other taxes — upon this free and independent pauper,
but none upon his lord the baron or the bishop, none
upon the wasteful nobility or the all-devouring Church ;
if the baron would sleep unvexed, the freeman must
sit up all night after his day's work and whip the
ponds to keep the frogs quiet ; if the freeman's daugh
ter — but no, that last infamy of monarchical govern
ment is unprintable ; and finally, if the freeman,
grown desperate with his tortures, found his life unen
durable under such conditions, and sacrificed it and
fled to death for mercy and refuge, the gentle Church
condemned him to eternal fire, the gentle law buried
him at midnight at the cross-roads with a stake
through his back, and his master the baron or the
bishop confiscated all his property and turned his
widow and his orphans out of doors.
And here were these freemen assembled in the
early morning to work on their lord the bishop's road
three days each — gratis ; every head of a family, and
every son of a family, three days each, gratis, and a
day or so added for their servants. Why, it was like
reading about France and the French, before the ever-
memorable and blessed Revolution, which swept a
thousand years of such villany away in one swift tidal-
wave of blood — one : a settlement of that hoary debt
in the proportion of half a drop of blood for each
hogshead of it that had been pressed by slow tortures
99
out of that people in the weary stretch of ten centuries
of wrong and shame and misery the like of which was
not to be mated but in hell. There were two " Reigns
of Terror," if we would but remember it and consider
it ; the one wrought murder in hot passion, the other
in heartless cold blood ; the one lasted mere months,
the other had lasted a thousand years ; the one inflict
ed death upon ten thousand persons, the other upon a
hundred millions ; but our shudders are all for the " hor
rors " of the minor Terror, the momentary Terror, so to
speak ; whereas, what is the horror of swift death by
the axe, compared with life-long death from hunger,
cold, insult, cruelty and heart-break? What is swift
death by lightning compared with death by slow fire
at the stake ? A city cemetery could contain the
coffins filled by that brief Terror which 'we have all
been so diligently taught to shiver at and mourn
over; but all France could hardly contain the coffins
filled by that older and real Terror — that unspeak
ably bitter and awful Terror which none of us has
been taught to see in its vastness or pity as it de
serves.
These poor ostensible freemen who were sharing
their breakfast and their talk with me, were as full of
humble reverence for their king and Church and
nobility as their worst enemy could desire. There
was something pitifully ludicrous about it. I asked
them if they supposed a nation of people ever existed,
who, with a free vote in every man's hand, would
elect that a single family and -its descendants should
reign over it forever, whether gifted or boobies, to
the exclusion of all other families — including the
voter's ; and would also elect that a certain hundred
IOO
families should be raised to dizzy summits of rank,
and clothed -on with offensive transmissible glories
and privileges to the exclusion of the rest of the
nation's families — including his own.
They all looked unhit, and said they didn't know ;
that they had never thought about it before, and it
hadn't ever occurred to them that a nation could be
so situated that every man could have a say in the
government. I said I had seen one — and that it
would last until it had an Established Church. Again
they were all unhit — at first. But presently one man
looked up and asked me to state that proposition
again ; and state it slowly, so it could soak into his
understanding. I "did it; and after a little he had
the idea, and he brought his fist down and said he
didn't believe a nation where every man had a vote
would voluntarily get down in the mud and dirt in
any such way ; and that to steal from a nation its
will and preference must be a crime and the first of
all crimes.
I said to myself :
"This one's a man. If I were backed by enough
of his sort, I would make a strike for the welfare of
this country, and try to prove myself its loyalest
citizen by making a wholesome change in its system
of government."
You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's
country, not to its institutions or its office-holders.
The country is the real thing, the substantial thing,
the eternal thing ; is it the thing to watch over, and
care for, and be loyal to ; institutions are extraneous,
they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out,
Vcome ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to
101
protect the body from winter, disease, and death. To
be loyal to rags, to shout for rags, to worship rags, to
die for rags — that is a loyalty of unreason, it is pure
animal ; it belongs to monarchy, was invented by
monarchy; let monarchy keep it. I was from Con
necticut, whose Constitution declares " that all polit
ical power is inherent in the people, and all free
governments are founded on their authority and in
stituted for their benefit ; and that they have at all
times an undeniable and indefeasible right to alter
their form of government in such a manner as they
may think expedient."
Under that gospel, the citizen who thinks he sees
that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn
out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for
a new suit, is disloyal ; he is a traitor. That he may
be the only one who thinks he sees this decay, does
not excuse him ; it is his duty to agitate anyway,
and it is the duty of the others to vote him down if
they do not see the matter as he does.
And now here I was, in a country where a right to
say how the country should be governed was restricted
to six persons in each thousand of its population.
For the nine hundred and ninety-four to express dis
satisfaction with the regnant system and propose to
change it, would have made the whole six shudder as
one man, it would have been so disloyal, so dishonor
able, such putrid black treason. So to speak, I was
become a stockholder in a corporation where nine
hundred and ninety-four of the members furnished all
the money and did all the work, and the other six
elected themselves a permanent board of direction
and took all the dividends. It seemed to me that
102
what the nine hundred and ninety-four dupes needed
was a new deal. The thing that would have best
suited the circus side of my nature would have been
to resign the Boss-ship and get up an insurrection and
turn it into a revolution ; but I knew that the Jack
Cade or the Wat Tyler who tried such a tiring with
out first educating his materials up to revolution-grade
is almost absolutely certain to get left. I had never
been accustomed to getting left, even if I do say it
myself. Wherefore, the "deal" which had been for
some time working into shape in my mind was of a
quite different pattern from the Cade-Tyler sort.
So I did not talk blood and insurrection to that
man there who sat munching black bread with that
abused and mistaught herd of human sheep, but took
him aside and talked matter of another sort to him.
After I had finished, I got him to lend me a little ink
from his veins ; and with this and a sliver I wrote on
a piece of bark —
Put him in the Man-Factory —
and gave it to him, and said —
" Take it to the palace at Camelot and give it into
the hands of Amyas le Poulet, whom I call Clarence,
and he will understand."
" He is a priest, then," said the man, and some of
the enthusiasm went out of his face.
" How— a priest? Didn't I tell you that no chattel
of the Church, no bond-slave of pope or bishop can
enter my Man-Factory ? Didn't I tell you that you
couldn't enter unless your religion, whatever it might
be, was your own free property ?"
" Marry, it is so, and for that I was glad ; wherefore
IQ3
it liked me not, and bred in me a cold doubt, to hear
of this priest being there."
" But he isn't a priest, I tell you."
The man looked far from satisfied. He said :
" He is not a priest, and yet can read?"
" He is not a priest and yet can read — yes, and write,
too, for that matter. I taught him myself." The
man's face cleared. "And it is the first thing that
you yourself will be taught in that Factory — "
" I ? I would give blood out of my heart to know
that art. Why, I will be your slave, your — "
lt No you won't, you won't be anybody's slave.
Take your family and go along. Your lord the bishop
will confiscate your small property, but no matter,
Clarence will fix you all right."
CHAPTER XIV
" DEFEND THEE, LORD 1"
I PAID three pennies for my breakfast, and a most
extravagant price it was, too, seeing that one could
have breakfasted a dozen persons for that money ;
but I was feeling good by this time, and I had always
been a kind of spendthrift anyway ; and then these
people had wanted to give me the food for nothing,
scant as their provision was, and so it was a grateful
pleasure to emphasize my appreciation and sincere
thankfulness with a good big financial lift where the
money would do so much more good than it would in
my helmet, where, these pennies being made of iron
and not stinted in weight, my half-dollar's worth was
a good deal of a burden to me. I spent money rather
too freely in those days, it is true ; but one reason for
it was that I hadn't got the proportions of things en
tirely adjusted, even yet, after so long a sojourn in
Britain — hadn't got along to where I was able to ab
solutely realize that a penny in Arthur's land and a
couple of dollars in Connecticut were about one and
the same thing: just twins, as you may say, in pur
chasing power. If my start from Camelot could have
been delayed a very few days I could have paid these
people in beautiful new coins from our own mint, and
that would have pleased me ; and them, too, not less.
I had adopted the American values exclusively. In a
week or two now, cents, nickels, dimes, quarters and
half-dollars, and also a trifle of gold, would be trickling
in thin but steady streams all through the commercial
veins of the kingdom, and I looked to see this new
blood freshen up its life.
The farmers were bound to throw in something, to
sort of offset my liberality, whether I would or no ; so
I let them give me a flint and steel ; and as soon as
they had comfortably bestowed Sandy and me on our
horse, I lit my pipe. When the first blast of smoke
shot out through the bars of my helmet, all those peo
ple broke for the woods, and Sandy went over back
wards and struck the ground with a dull thud. They
thought I was one of those fire-belching dragons they
had heard so much about from knights and other pro
fessional liars. I had infinite trouble to persuade
those people to venture back within explaining dis
tance. Then I told them that this was only a bit of
enchantment which would work harm to none but my
enemies. And I promised, with my hand on my
heart, that if all who felt no enmity toward me would
come forward and pass before me they should see that
only those who remained behind would be struck
dead. The procession moved with a good deal of
promptness. There were no casualties to report, for
nobody had curiosity enough to remain behind to see
what would happen.
I lost some time, now, for these big children, their
fears gone, became so ravished with wonder over my
awe-compelling fireworks that I had to stay there and
smoke a couple of pipes out before they would let me
go. Still the delay was not wholly unproductive, for
io6
it took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly wonted
to the new thing, she being so close to it, you know.
It plugged up her conversation-mill, too, for a consider
able while, and that was a gain. But above all other
benefits accruing, I had learned something. I was
ready for any giant or any ogre that might come along,
now.
We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and my
opportunity came about the middle of the next after
noon. We were crossing a vast meadow by way of
short-cut, and I was musing absently, hearing noth
ing, seeing nothing, when Sandy suddenly interrupted
a remark which she had begun that morning, with the
cry—
" Defend thee, lord !— peril of life is toward !"
And she slipped down from the horse and ran a lit
tle way and stood. I looked up and saw, far off in
the shade of a tree, half a dozen armed knights and
their squires ; and straightway there was bustle among
them and tightening of saddle-girths for the mount.
My pipe was ready and would have been lit, if I had
not been lost in thinking about how to banish oppres
sion from this land and restore to all its people their
stolen rights and manhood without disobliging any
body. I lit up at once, and by the time I had got a
good head of reserved steam on, here they came. All
together, too; none of those chivalrous magnanimities
which one reads so much about — one courtly rascal at
a time, and the rest standing by to see fair play. No,
they came in a body, they came with a whirr and a
rush, they came like a volley from a battery ; came
with heads low down, plumes streaming out behind,
lances advanced at a level. It was a handsome sight,
"THEY CAME IN A BODY, THEY CAME WITH A WHIRR"
IQ7
a beautiful sight — for a man up a tree. I laid my
lance in rest and waited, with my heart beating, till the
iron wave was just ready to break over me, then spout
ed a column of white smoke through the bars of my hel
met. You should have seen the wave go to pieces and
scatter ! This was a finer sight than the other one.
But these people stopped, two or three hundred
yards away, and this troubled me. My satisfaction
collapsed, and fear came ; I judged I was a lost man.
But Sandy was radiant ; and was going to be eloquent,
but I stopped her, and told her my magic had miscar
ried, somehow or other, and she must mount, with all
despatch, and we must ride for life. No, she wouldn't.
She said that my enchantment had disabled those
knights ; they were not riding on, because they couldn't ;
wait, they would drop out of their saddles presently,
and we would get their horses and harness. I could
not deceive such trusting simplicity, so I said it was a
mistake ; that when my fireworks killed at all, they
killed instantly ; no, the men would not die, there was
something wrong about my apparatus, I couldn't tell
what ; but we must hurry and get away, for those
people would attack us again, in a minute. Sandy
laughed, and said —
" Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed ! Sir
Launcelot will give battle to dragons, and will abide
by them, and will assail them again, and yet again,
and still again, until he do conquer and destroy them ;
and so likewise will Sir Pellinore and Sir Aglovaleand
Sir Carados, and mayhap others, but there be none
else that will venture it, let the idle say what the idle
will. And, la, as to yonder base rufflers, think ye they
have not their fill, but yet desire more?"
io8
" Well, then, what are they waiting, for ? Why don't
they leave ? Nobody's hindering. Good land, I'm
willing to let by-gones be by-gones, I'm sure."
" Leave, is it ? Oh, give thyself easement as to
that. They dream not of it, no, not they. They wait
to yield them."
" Come — really, is that * sooth' — as you people say ?
If they want to, why don't they ?"
" It would like them much ; but an ye wot how
dragons are esteemed, ye would not hold them blama-
ble. They fear to come."
" Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and — "
" Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your com
ing. I will go."
And she did. She was a handy person to have
along on a raid. I would have considered this a
doubtful errand, myself. I presently saw the knights
riding away, and Sandy coming back. That was a
relief. I judged she had somehow failed to get the
first innings — I mean in the conversation ; otherwise
the interview wouldn't have been so short. But it
turned out that she had managed the business well ;
in fact admirably. She said that when she told those
people I was The Boss, it hit them where they lived :
" smote them sore with fear and dread " was her word ;
and then they were ready to put up with anything
she might require. So she swore them to appear at
Arthur's court within two days and yield them, with
horse and harness, and be my knights henceforth, and
subject to my command. How much better she man
aged that thing than I should have done it myself !
She was a daisy.
CHAPTER XV
SANDY'S TALE
"AND so I'm proprietor of some knights," said I, as
we rode off. " Who would ever have supposed that
I should live to list up assets of that sort. I shan't
know what to do with them ; unless I raffle them off.
How many of them are there, Sandy ?"
" Seven, please you, sir, and their squires."
" It is a good haul. Who are they ? Where do
they hang out ?"
" Where do they hang out ?"
" Yes, where do they live ?"
"Ah, I understood thee not. That will I tell eft-
soons." Then she said musingly, and softly, turning
the words daintily over her tongue : " Hang they out
—hang they out — where hang — where do they hang
out ; eh, right so ; where do they hang out. Of a
truth the phrase hath a fair and winsome grace, and
is prettily worded withal. I will repeat it anon and
anon in mine idlesse, whereby I may peradventure
learn it. Where do they hang out. Even so ! al
ready it falleth trippingly from my tongue, and foras
much as — "
" Don't forget the cow-boys, Sandy."
" Cow-boys ?"
"Yes; the knights, you know: You were going to
no
tell me about them. A while back, you remember.
Figuratively speaking, game's called."
" Game—"
" Yes, yes, yes ! Go to the bat. I mean, get to
work on your statistics, and don't burn so much kind
ling getting your fire started. Tell me about the
knights."
" I will well, and lightly will begin. So they two
departed and rode into a great forest. And — "
" Great Scott !"
You see, I recognized my mistake at once. I had
set her works a-going ; it was my own fault ; she would
be thirty days getting down to those facts. And she
generally began without a preface and finished with
out a result. If you interrupted her she would either
go right along without noticing, or answer with a
couple of words, and go back and say the sentence
over again. So, interruptions only did harm ; and yet
I had to interrupt, and interrupt pretty frequently,
too, in order to save my life ; a person would die if he
let her monotony drip on him right along all day.
" Great Scott !" I said in my distress. She went
right back and began over again :
" So they two departed and rode into a great forest.
And—"
" Which two ?"
" Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they came
to an abbey of monks, and there were well lodged.
So on the morn they heard their masses in the abbey,
and so they rode forth till they came to a great forest ;
then was Sir Gawaine ware in a valley by a turret, of
twelve fair damsels, and two knights armed on great
horses, and the damsels went to and fro by a tree.
Ill
And then was Sir Gawaine ware how there hung a
white shield on that tree, and ever as the damsels
came by it they spit upon it, and some threw mire
upon the shield — "
" Now, if I hadn't seen the like myself in this
country, Sandy, I wouldn't believe it. But I've seen
it, and I can just see those creatures now, parading
before that shield and acting like that. The women
here do certainly act like all possessed. Yes, and I
mean your best, too, society's very choicest brands.
The humblest hello-girl along ten thousand miles of
wire could teach gentleness, patience, modesty, man
ners, to the highest duchess in Arthur's land."
"Hello-girl?"
" Yes, but don't you ask me to explain ; it's a new
kind of girl ; they don't have them here ; one often
speaks sharply to them when they are not the least
in fault, and he can't get over feeling sorry for it and
ashamed of himself in thirteen hundred years, it's
such shabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; the
fact is, no gentlemen ever does it — though I — well, I
myself, if I've got to confess — "
" Peradventure she — "
"Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you I
couldn't ever explain her so you would understand."
" Even so be it, sith ye are so minded. Then Sir
Gawaine and Sir Uwaine went and saluted them, and
asked them why they did that despite to the shield.
Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. There is a
knight in this country that owneth this white shield,
and he is a passing good man of his hands, but he
hateth all ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we
do all this despite to the shield. I will say you, said
112
Sir Gawaine, it beseemeth evil a good knight to de
spise all ladies and gentlewomen, and peradventure
though he hate you he hath some cause, and perad
venture he loveth in some other places ladies and
gentlewomen, and to be loved again, and he such a
man of prowess as ye speak of — "
" Man of prowess — yes, that is the man to please
them, Sandy. Man of brains — that is a thing they
never think of. Tom Sayers — John Heenan — John
L. Sullivan — pity but you could be here. You would
have your legs under the Round Table and a ' Sir '
in front of your names within the twenty-four hours;
and you could bring about a new distribution of the
married princesses and duchesses of the Court in
another twenty-four. The fact is, it is just a sort of
polished-up court of Comanches, and there isn't a
squaw in it who doesn't stand ready at the dropping
of a hat to desert to the buck with the biggest string
of scalps at his belt."
" — and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak
of, said Sir Gawaine. Now what is his name? Sir,
said they, his name is Marhaus the king's son of
Ireland."
" Son of the king of Ireland, you mean ; the other
form doesn't mean anything. And look out and hold
on tight, now, we must jump this gully. . . . There,
we are all right now. This horse belongs in the
circus; he is born before his time."
" I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing
good knight as any is on live."
" On Live, If you've got a fault in the world,
Sandy, it is that you are a shade too archaic. But
it isn't any matter."
"3
" — for I saw him once proved at a justs where
many knights were gathered, and that time there
might no man withstand him. Ah, said Sir Gawaine,
damsels, methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to sup
pose he that hung that shield there will not be long
therefrom, and then may those knights match him
on horseback, and that is more your worship than
thus; for I will abide no longer to see a knight's
shield dishonored. And therewith Sir Uwaine and
Sir Gawaine departed a little from them, and then
were they ware where Sir Marhaus came riding on a
great horse straight toward them. And when the
twelve damsels saw Sir Marhaus they fled into the
turret as they were wild, so that some of them fell by
the way. Then the one of the knights of the tower
dressed his shield, and said on high, Sir Marhaus de
fend thee. And so they ran together that the knight
brake his spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaus smote
him so hard that he brake his neck and the horse's
back—"
" Well, that is just the trouble about this state of
things, it ruins so many horses."
" That saw the other knight of the turret, and
dressed him toward Marhaus, and they went so eagerly
together, that the knight of the turret was soon smitten
down, horse and man, stark dead — "
"Another horse gone; I tell you it is a custom that
ought to be broken up. I don't see how people with
any feeling can applaud and support it."
•* •* * * * *
"So these two knights came together with great
random — "
I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter,
8CY
"4
but I didn't say anything. I judged that the Irish
knight was in trouble with the visitors by this time,
and this turned out to be the case.
" — that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that his
spear brast in pieces on the shield, and Sir Marhaus
smote him so sore that horse and man he bare to
the earth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side — "
" The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a little
too simple ; the vocabulary is too limited, and so, by
consequence, descriptions suffer in the matter of vari
ety ; they run too much to level Saharas of fact, and
not enough to picturesque detail ; this throws about
them a certain air of the monotonous ; in fact the
fights are all alike : a couple of people come together
with great random — random is a good word, and so is
exegesis, for that matter, and so is holocaust, and defal
cation, and usufruct and a hundred others, but land !
a body ought to discriminate — they come together
with great random, and a spear is brast, and one party
break his shield and the other one goes down, horse and
man, over his horse-tail and brake his neck, and then
the next candidate comes randoming in, and brast
his spear, and the other man brast his shield, and
down he goes, horse and man, over his horse-tail, and
brake his neck, and then there's another elected, and
another and another and still another, till the material
is all used up ; and when you come to figure up re
sults, you can't tell one fight from another, nor who
whipped ; and as a picture, of living, raging, roaring
battle, sho ! why, its pale and noiseless — just ghosts
scuffling in a fog. Dear me, what would this barren
vocabularly get out of the mightiest spectacle ? — the
burning of Rome in Nero's time, for instance ? Why,
"5
it would merely say, ' Town burned down ; no insur>
ance ; boy brast a window, fireman brake his neck !'
Why, that ain't a picture !"
It was a good deal of a lecture, I thought, but it
didn't disturb Sandy, didn't turn a feather ; her steam
soared steadily up again, the minute I took off the
lid:
"Then Sir Marhaus turned his horse and rode toward
Gawaine with his spear. And when Sir Gawaine saw
that, he dressed his shield, and they aventred their
spears, and they came together with all the might of
their horses, that either knight smote other so hard in
the midst of their shields, but Sir Gawaine's spear
brake — "
" I knew it would."
— " but Sir Marhaus's spear held ; and therewith Sir
Gawaine and his horse rushed down to the earth — "
" Just so — and brake his back."
— " and lightly Sir Gawaine rose upon his feet and
pulled out his sword, and dressed him toward Sir
Marhaus on foot, and therewith either came unto
other eagerly, and smote together with their swords,
that their shields flew in cantels, and they bruised
their helms and their hauberks, and wounded either
other. But Sir Gawaine, fro it passed nine of the
clock, waxed by the space of three hours ever stronger
and stronger, and thrice his might was increased. All
this espied Sir Marhaus, and had great wonder how
his might increased, and so they wounded other pass
ing sore ; and then when it was come noon—
The pelting sing-song of it carried me forward to
scenes and sounds of my boyhood days:
" N-e-e-ew Haven ! ten minutes for refreshments —
knductr '11 strike the gong-bell two minutes before
train leaves — passengers for the Shore-line please take
seats in the rear k'yar, this k'yar don't go no furder —
ahh-p\s, aw-rn]z, b'tf#;zners, s-a-u-tfches, p op-corn !"
— " and waxed past noon and drew toward even
song. Sir Gawaine's strength feebled and waxed
passing faint, that unnethes he might dure any longer,
and Sir Marhaus was then bigger and bigger — "
"Which strained his armor, of course ; and yet little
would one of these people mind a small thing like
that."
— " and so, Sir Knight, said Sir Marhaus, I have
well felt that ye are a passing good knight, and a mar
vellous man of might as ever I felt any, while it last-
eth, and our quarrels are not great, and therefore it
were a pity to do you hurt, for I feel you are passing
feeble. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, gentle knight, ye say
the word that I should say. And therewith they took
off their helms and either kissed other, and there they
swore together either to love other as brethren — "
But I lost the thread there, and dozed off to slumber,
thinking about what a pity it was that men with such
superb strength — strength enabling them to stand up
cased in cruelly burdensome iron and drenched with
perspiration, and hack and batter and bang each other
for six hours on a stretch — should not have been born
at a time when they could put it to some useful pur
pose. Take a jackass, for instance : a jackass has that
kind of strength, and puts it to a useful purpose, and
is valuable to this world because he is a jackass ; but
a nobleman is not valuable because he is a jackass.
It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and should
never have been attempted in the first place. And
117
yet, once you start a mistake, the trouble is done and
you never know what is going to come of it.
When I came to myself again and began-to listen,
I perceived that I had lost another chapter, and that
Alisande had wandered a long way off with her
people.
" And so they rode and came into a deep valley full
of stones, and thereby they saw a fair stream of water ;
above thereby was the head of the stream, a fair foun
tain, and three damsels sitting thereby. In this coun
try, said Sir Marhaus, came never knight since it was
christened, but he found strange adventures — "
" This is not good form, Alisande. Sir Marhaus
the king's son of Ireland talks like all the rest ; you
ought to give him a brogue, or at least a characteris
tic expletive ; by this means one would recognize him
as soon as he spoke, without his ever being named.
It is a common literary device with the great authors.
You should make him say, ' In this country, be jabers,
came never knight since it was christened, but he
found strange adventures, be jabers/ You see how
much better that sounds."
— "came never knight but he found strange advent
ures, be jabers. Of a truth it doth indeed, fair lord,
albeit 'tis passing hard to say, though peradventure
that will not tarry but better speed with usage. And
then they rode to the damsels, and either saluted
other, and the eldest had a garland of gold about her
head, and she was threescore winter of age or more — "
" The damsel was?"
" Even so, dear lord — and her hair was white under
the garland — "
" Celluloid teeth, nine dollars a set, as like as not —
9CY
n8
the loose-fit kind, that go up and down like a port
cullis when you eat, and fall out when you laugh."
" The second damsel was of thirty winter of age,
with a circlet of gold about her head. The third
damsel was but fifteen year of age — "
Billows of thought came rolling over my soul, and
the voice faded out of my hearing !
Fifteen ! Break — my heart ! oh, my lost darling !
Just her age who was so gentle, and lovely, and all
the world to me, and whom I shall never see again !
How the thought of her carries me back over wide
seas of memory to a vague dim time, a happy time, so
many, many centuries hence, when I used to wake in
the soft summer mornings, out of sweet dreams of her,
and say " Hello, Central !" just to hear her dear voice
come melting back to me with a " Hello. Hank !" that
was music of the spheres to my enchanted ear. She
got three dollars a week, but she was worth it.
I could not follow Alisande's further explanation of
who our captured knights were, now — I mean in case
she should ever get to explaining who they were.
My interest was gone, my thoughts were far away,
and sad. By fitful glimpses of the drifting tale,
caught here and there and now and then, I merely
noted in a vague way that each of these three knights
took one of these three damsels up behind him on his
horse, and one rode north, another east, the other
south, to seek adventures, and meet again and lie,
after year and day. Year and day — and without
baggage. It was of a piece with the general simplic
ity of the country.
The sun was now setting. It was about three in
the afternoon when Alisande had begun to tell me
who the cowboys were ; so she had made pretty good
progress with it — for her. She would arrive some
time or other, no doubt, but she was not a person who
could be hurried.
We were approaching a castle which stood on high
ground ; a huge, strong, venerable structure, whose
gray towers and battlements were charmingly draped
with ivy, and whose whole majestic mass was drenched
with splendors flung from the sinking sun. It was
the largest castle we had seen, and so I thought it
might be the one we were after, but Sandy said no.
She did not know who owned it; she said she had
passed it without calling, when she went down to
Camelot.
CHAPTER XVI
MORGAN LE FAY
IF knights errant were to be believed, not all castles
were desirable places to seek hospitality in. As a
matter of fact, knights errant were not persons to be
believed — that is, measured by modern standards of
veracity ; yet, measured by the standards of their own
time, and scaled accordingly, you got the truth. It
was very simple : you discounted a statement ninety-
seven per cent. ; the rest was fact. Now after mak
ing this allowance, the truth remained that if I could
find out something about a castle before ringing the
door-bell — I mean hailing the warders — it was the
sensible thing to do. So I was pleased when I saw in
the distance a horseman making the bottom turn of
the road that wound down from this castle.
As we approached each other, I saw that he wore a
plumed helmet, and seemed to be otherwise clothed
in steel, but bore a curious addition also — a stiff
square garment like a herald's tabard. However, I
had to smile at my own forgetfulness when I got
nearer and read this sign on his tabard :
" Persimmons s Soap — All the Prime-Donne Use It."
, That was a little idea of my own, and had several
wholesome purposes in view toward the civilizing and
121
uplifting of this nation. In the first place, it was a
furtive, underhand blow at this nonsense of knight er
rantry, though nobody suspected that but me. I had
started a number of these people out — the bravest
knights I could get — each sandwiched between bulle
tin-boards bearing one device or another, and I judged
that by-and-by when they got to be numerous enough
they would begin to look ridiculous ; and then, even
the steel-clad ass that Jiadrit any board would himself
begin to look ridiculous because he was out of the
fashion.
Secondly, these missionaries would gradually, and
without creating suspicion or exciting alarm, introduce
a rudimentary cleanliness among the nobility, and
from them it would work down to the people, if the
priests could be kept quiet. This would undermine
the Church. I mean would be a step toward that.
Next, education — next, freedom — and then she would
begin to crumble. It being my conviction that any
Established Church is an established crime, an es
tablished slave-pen, I had no scruples, but was willing
to assail it in any way or with any weapon that prom
ised to hurt it. Why, in my own former day — in
remote centuries not yet stirring in the womb of time
—there were old Englishmen who imagined that they
had been born in a free country : a " free " country
with the Corporation Act and the Test still in force
in it — timbers propped against men's liberties and
dishonored consciences to shore up an Established
Anachronism with.
My missionaries were taught to spell out the gilt
signs on their tabards — the showy gilding was a neat
idea, I could have got the king to wear a bulletin-board
122
for the sake of that barbaric splendor — they were to
spell out these signs and then explain to the lords and
ladies what soap was ; and if the lords and ladies
were afraid of it, get them to try it on a dog. The
missionary's next move was to get the family to
gether and try it on himself; he was to stop at no
experiment, however desperate, that could convince
the nobility that soap was harmless ; if any final doubt
remained, he must catch a hermit — the woods were
full of them ; saints they called themselves, and saints
they were believed to be. They were unspeakably
holy, and worked miracles, and everybody stood in
awe of them. If a hermit could survive a wash, and
that failed to convince a duke, give him up, let him
alone.
Whenever my missionaries overcame a knight er
rant on the road they washed him, and when he got
well they swore him to go and get a bulletin-board
and disseminate soap and civilization the rest of his
days. As a consequence^ the workers in the field
were increasing by degrees, and the reform was steadi
ly spreading. My soap factory felt the strain early.
At first I had only two hands ; but before I had left
home I was already employing fifteen, and running
night and day ; and the atmospheric result was get
ting so pronounced that the king went sort of faint
ing and gasping around and said he did not believe
he could stand it much longer, and Sir Launcelot got
so that he did hardly anything but walk up and down
the roof and swear, although I told him it was worse
up there than anywhere else, but he said he wanted
plenty of air; and he was always complaining that a
palace was no place for a soap factory, anyway, and
123
said if a man was to start one in his house he would
be damned if he wouldn't strangle him. There were
ladies present, too, but much these people ever cared
for that ; they would swear before children, if the
wind was their way when the factory was going.
This missionary knight's name was La Cote Male
Taile, and he said that this castle was the abode of
Morgan le Fay, sister of King Arthur, and wife of
King LJriens, monarch of a realm about as big as the
District of Columbia — you could stand in the mid
dle of it and throw bricks into the next kingdom.
" Kings " and " Kingdoms " were as thick in Britain
as they had been in little Palestine in Joshua's time,
when people had to sleep with their knees pulled up
because they couldn't stretch out without a passport.
La Cote was much depressed, for he had scored here
the worst failure of his campaign. He had not worked
off a cake ; yet he had tried all the tricks of the trade,
even to the washing of a hermit; but the hermit died.
This was indeed a bad failure, for this animal would
now be dubbed a martyr, and would take his place
among the saints of the Roman calendar. Thus made
he his moan, this poor Sir La Cote Male Taile, and
sorrowed passing sore. And so my heart bled for him,
and I was moved to comfort and stay him. Where
fore I said —
" Forbear to grieve, fair knight, for this is not a de
feat. We have brains, you and I ; and for such as
have brains there are no defeats, but only victories.
Observe how we will turn this seeming disaster into
an advertisement; an advertisement for our soap; and
the biggest one, to draw, that was ever thought of;
an advertisement that will transform that Mount
124
Washington defeat into a Matterhorn victory. We
will put on your bulletin -board, ' Patronized by the
Elect! How does that strike you ?"
" Verily, it is wonderly bethought !"
" Well, a body is bound to admit that for just a mod
est little one-line ad., it's a corker."
So the poor colporteur's griefs vanished away. He
was a brave fellow, and had done mighty feats of arms
in his time. His chief celebrity rested upon the events
of an excursion like this one of mine, which he had
once made with a damsel named Maledisant, who
was as handy with her tongue as was Sandy, though in
a different way, for her tongue churned forth only rail
ings and insult, whereas Sandy's music was of a kind
lier sort. I knew his story well, and so I knew how to
interpret the compassion that was in his face when he
bade me farewell. He supposed I was having a bitter
hard time of it.
Sandy and I discussed his story, as we rode along,
and she said that La Cote's bad luck had begun with
the very beginning of that trip ; for the king's fool had
overthrown him on the first day, and in such cases it
was customary for the girl to desert to the conqueror,
but Maledisant didn't do it ; and also persisted after
ward in sticking to him, after all his defeats. But, said
I, suppose the victor should decline to accept his
spoil? She said that that wouldn't answer — he must.
He couldn't decline ; it wouldn't be regular. I made
a note of that. If Sandy's music got to be too burden
some, some time, I would let a knight defeat me, on
the chance that she would desert to him.
In due time we were challenged by the warders,
from the castle walls, and after a parley admitted. I
•rlllr/
«te-
\\T. \VKRE CHAI.I.KNGKD I'.V '] H K WARDERS. AND AFTKR PARLEY
ADMITTED "
12$
have nothing pleasant to tell about that visit. But it
was not a disappointment, for I knew Mrs. le Fay by
reputation, and was not expecting anything pleasant.
She was held in awe by the whole realm, for she had
made everybody believe she was a great sorceress.
All her ways were wicked, all her instincts devilish.
She was loaded to the eye -lids with cold malice. All
her history was black with crime ; and among her
crimes murder was common. I was most curious to
see her ; as curious as I could have been to see Satan.
To my surprise she was beautiful; black thoughts had
failed to make her expression repulsive, age had failed
to wrinkle her satin skin or mar its bloomy freshness.
She could have passed for old Urien's grand-daughter,
she could have been mistaken for sister to her own
son.
As soon as we were fairly within the castle gates
we were ordered into her presence. King Uriens was
there, a kind-faced old man with a subdued look ; and
also the son, Sir Uwaine le Blanchemains, in whom I
was of course interested on account of the tradition
that he had once done battle with thirty knights, and
also on account of his trip with Sir Gawaine and Sir
Marhaus, which Sandy had been aging me with. But
Morgan was the main attraction, the conspicuous per
sonality here; she was head chief of this household, that
was plain. She caused us to be seated, and then she
began, with all manner of pretty graces and gracious-
nesses, to ask me questions. Dear me, it was like a
bird or a flute, or something, talking. I felt persuad
ed that this woman must have been misrepresented, lied
about. She trilled along, and trilled along, and present
ly a handsome young page, clothed like the rainbow, and
126
as easy and undulatory of movement as a wave, came
with something on a golden salver, and kneeling to
present it to her, overdid his graces and lost his bal
ance, and so fell lightly against her knee. She slipped
a dirk into him in as matter-of-course a way as another
person would have harpooned a rat !
Poor child, he slumped to the floor, twisted his silk
en limbs in one great straining contortion of pain, and
was dead. Out of the old king was wrung an involun
tary " O-h !" of compassion. The look he got, made
him cut it suddenly short and jiot put any more hy
phens in it. S.ir Uwaine, at a sign from his mother,
went to the ante -room and called some servants, and
meanwhile madame went rippling sweetly along with
her talk.
I saw that she was a good housekeeper, for while
she talked she kept a corner of her eye on the servants
to see that they made no balks in handling the body
and getting it out ; when they came with fresh clean
towels, she sent back for the other kind ; and when
they had finished wiping the floor and were going, she
indicated a crimson fleck the size of a tear which their
duller eyes had overlooked. It was plain to me that
La Cote Male Taile had failed to see the mistress of
the house. Often, how louder and clearer than any
tongue, does dumb circumstantial evidence speak.
Morgan le Fay rippled along as musically as ever.
Marvellous woman. And what a glance she had : when
it fell in reproof upon those servants, they shrunk
and quailed as timid people do when the lightning
flashes out of a cloud. I could have got the habit
myself. It was the same with that poor old .Brer
Uriens; he was always on the ragged edge of appre-
KING URIENS
127
hension ; she could not even turn toward him but he
winced.
In the midst of the talk I let drop a complimentary
word about King Arthur, forgetting for the moment
how this woman hated her brother. That one little
compliment was enough. She clouded up like a
storm ; she called for her guards, and said —
" Hale me these varlets to the dungeons."
That struck cold on my ears, for her dungeons had
a reputation. Nothing occurred to me to say — or do.
But not so with Sandy. As the guard laid a hand
upon me, she piped up with the tranquilest confi
dence, and said —
" God's wownds, dost thou covet destruction, thou
maniac? It is The Boss !"
Now what a happy idea that was ! — and so simple ;
yet it would never have occurred to me. I was born
modest ; not all over, but in spots ; and this was one
of the spots.
The effect upon madame was electrical. It cleared
her countenance and brought back her smiles and all
her persuasive graces and blandishments ; but never
theless she was not able to entirely cover up with
them the fact that she was in a ghastly fright. She
said :
" La, but do list to thine handmaid ! as if one gift
ed with powers like to mine might say the thing which
I have said unto one who has vanquished Merlin, and
not be jesting. By mine enchantments I foresaw your
coming, and by them I knew you when you entered
here. I did but play this little jest with hope to sur
prise you into some display of your art, as not doubt
ing you would blast the guards v/ith occult fires, con-
128
suming them to ashes on the spot, a marvel much
beyond mine own ability, yet one which I have long
been childishly curious to see."'
The guards were less curious, and got out as soon
as they got permission.
CHAPTER XVII
A ROYAL BANQUET
MADAME seeing me pacific and unresentful, no doubt
judged that I was deceived by her excuse ; for her
fright dissolved away, and she was soon so importu
nate to have me give an exhibition and kill somebody,
that the thing grew to be embarrassing. However, to
my relief she was presently interrupted by the call to
prayers. I will say this much for the nobility : that,
tyrannical, murderous, rapacious and morally rotten
as they were, they were deeply and enthusiastically
religious. Nothing could divert them from the regu
lar and faithful performance of the pieties enjoined
by the Church. More than once I had seen a noble
who had gotten his enemy at a disadvantage, stop to
pray before cutting his throat ; more than once I had
seen a noble, after ambushing and despatching his en
emy, retire to the nearest wayside shrine and humbly
give thanks, without even waiting to rob the body.
There was to be nothing finer or sweeter in the life of
even Benvenuto Cellini, that rough -hewn saint, ten
centuries later. All the nobles of Britain, with their
families, attended divine service morning and night dai
ly, in their private chapels, and even the worst of them
had family worship five or six times a day besides.
The credit of this belonged entirely to the Church.
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I3Q
Although I was no friend to that Catholic Church, I
was obliged to admit this. And often, in spite of me,
I found myself saying, " What would this country be
without the Church ?"
After prayers we had dinner in a great banqueting
hall which was lighted by hundreds of grease-jets, and
everything was as fine and lavish and rudely splendid
as might become the royal degree of the hosts. At
the head of the hall, on a dais, was the table of the
king, queen, and their son, Prince Uwaine. Stretch
ing down the hall from this, was the general table, on
the floor. At this, above the salt, sat the visiting no
bles and the grown members of their families, of both
sexes, — the resident Court, in effect — sixty-one persons;
below the salt sat minor officers of the household, with
their principal subordinates : altogether a hundred and
eighteen persons sitting, and about as many liveried
servants standing behind their chairs, or serving in one
capacity or another. It was a very fine show. In a
gallery a band with cymbals, horns, harps and other
horrors, opened the proceedings with what seemed to
be the crude first-draft or original agony of the wail
known to later centuries as " In the Sweet Bye and
Bye." It was new, and ought to have been rehearsed
a little more. For some reason or other the queen
had the composer hanged, after dinner.
After this music, the priest who stood behind the
royal table said a noble long grace in ostensible Latin.
Then the battalion of waiters broke away from their
posts, and darted, rushed, flew, fetched and carried,
and the mighty feeding began ; no words anywhere,
but absorbing attention to business. The rows of
chops opened and shut in vast unison, and the sound
of it was like to the muffled burr of subterranean ma
chinery.
The havoc continued an hour and a half, and un
imaginable was the destruction of substantiate. Of
the chief feature of the feast — the huge wild boar that
lay stretched out so portly and imposing at the start —
nothing was left but the semblance of a hoop-skirt ;
and he was but the type and symbol of what had hap
pened to all the other dishes.
With the pastries and so-on, the heavy drinking be
gan — and the talk. Gallon after gallon of wine and
mead disappeared, and everybody got comfortable,
then happy, then sparklingly joyous — both sexes,—
and by-and-by pretty noisy. Men told anecdotes
that were terrific to hear, but nobody blushed ; and
when the nub was sprung, the assemblage let go with
a horse-laugh that shook the fortress. Ladies answer
ed back with historiettes that would almost have made
Queen Margaret of Navarre or even the great Eliza
beth of England hide behind a handkerchief, but no
body hid here, but only laughed — howled, you may
say. In pretty much all of these dreadful stories, ec
clesiastics were the hardy heroes, but that didn't worry
the chaplain any, he had his laugh with the rest ; more
than that, upon invitation he roared out a song which
was of as daring a sort as any that was sung that night.
By midnight everybody was fagged out, and sore
with laughing; and as a rule, drunk: some weepingly,
some affectionately, some hilariously, some quarrel
somely, some dead and under the table. Of the ladies,
the worst spectacle was a lovely young duchess, whose
wedding-eve this was ; and indeed she was a spectacle,
sure enough. Just as she was she could have sat in
132
advance for the portrait of the young daughter of the
Regent d'Orleans, at the famous dinner whence she
was carried, foul-mouthed, intoxicated and helpless,
to her bed, in the lost and lamented days of the An
cient Regime.
Suddenly, even while the priest was lifting his hands,
and all conscious heads were bowed in reverent ex
pectation of the coming blessing, there appeared under
the arch of the far-off door at the bottom of the hall,
an old and bent and white-haired lady, leaning upon
a crutch-stick ; and she lifted the stick and pointed it
toward the queen and cried out —
" The wrath and curse of God fall upon you, wom
an without pity, who have slain mine innocent grand
child and made desolate this old heart that had nor
chick nor friend nor stay nor comfort in all this world
but him !"
Everybody crossed himself in a grisly fright, for a
curse was an awful thing to those people ; but the
queen rose up majestic, with the death-light in her eye,
and flung back this ruthless'command :
" Lay hands on her ! To the stake with her !"
The guards left their posts to obey. It was a shame ;
it was a cruel thing to see. What could be done ?
Sandy gave me a look; I knew she had another in
spiration. I said —
" Do what you choose."
She was up and facing toward the queen in a mo
ment. She indicated me, and said :
" Madame, he saith this may not be. Recall the
commandment, or he will dissolve the castle and
it shall vanish away like the instable fabric of a
dream !"
133
Confound it, what a crazy contract to pledge a per
son to ! What if the queen —
But my consternation subsided there, and my panic
passed off; for the queen, all in a collapse, made no
show of resistance but gave a countermanding sign
and sunk into her seat. When she reached it she was
sober. So were many of the others. The assemblage
rose, whiffed ceremony to the winds, and rushed for
the door like a mob ; overturning chairs, smashing
crockery, tugging, struggling, shouldering, crowding —
anything to get out before I should change my mind
and puff the castle into the measureless dim vacancies
of space. Well, well, well, they were a superstitious
lot. It is all a body can do to conceive of it.
The poor queen was so scared and humbled that she ,
was even afraid to hang the composer without first
consulting me. I was very sorry for her — indeed any
one would have been, for she was really suffering ; so
I was willing to do anything that was reasonable, and
had no desire to carry things to wanton extremities.
I therefore considered the matter thoughtfully, and
ended by having the musicians ordered into our pres
ence to play that Sweet Bye and Bye again, which
they did. Then I saw that she was right, and gave
her permission to hang the whole band. This little
relaxation of sternness had a good effect upon the
queen. A statesman gains little by the arbitrary ex
ercise of iron-clad authority upon all occasions that
offer, for this wounds the just pride of his subordi
nates, and thus tends to undermine his strength. A
little concession, now and then, where it can do no
harm, is the wiser policy.
Now that the queen was at ease in her mind once
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134
more, and measurably happy, her wine naturally be
gan to assert itself again, and it got a little the start
of her. I mean it set her music going — her silver bell
of a tongue. Dear me, she was a master talker. It
would not become me to suggest that it was pretty
late and that I was a tired man and very sleepy. I
wished I had gone off to bed when I had the chance.
Now I must stick it out ; there was no other way. So
she tinkled along and along, in the otherwise profound
and ghostly hush of the sleeping castle, until by-and-
by there came, as if from deep down under us, a far
away sound, as of a muffled shriek — with an expres
sion of agony about it that made my flesh crawl. The
queen stopped, and her eyes lighted with pleasure ;
she tilted her graceful head as a bird does when it
listens. The sound bored its way up through the still
ness again.
"What is it?" I said.
" It is truly a stubborn soul, and endureth long. It
is many hours now."
" Endureth what ?"
" The rack. Come — ye shall see a blithe sight. An
he yield not his secret now, ye shall see him torn
asunder."
What a silky smooth hellion she was ; and so com
posed and serene, when the cords all down my legs
were hurting in sympathy with that man's pain. Con
ducted by mailed guards bearing flaring torches, we
tramped along echoing corridors, and down stone
stirways dank and dripping, and smelling of mould
and ages of imprisoned night — a chill, uncanny jour
ney and a long one, and not made the shorter or the
cheerier by the sorceress's talk, which was about this
135
sufferer and his crime. He had been accused by an
anonymous informer, of having killed a stag in the
royal preserves. I said—
" Anonymous testimony isn't just the right thing,
your Highness. It were fairer to confront the accused
with the accuser."
"I had not thought of that, it being but of small
consequence. But an I would, I could not, for that
the accuser came masked by night, and told the for
ester, and straightway got him hence again, and so the
forester knoweth him not."
" Then is this Unknown the only person who saw
the stag killed ?"
" Marry, no man saw the killing, but this Unknown
saw this hardy wretch near to the spot where the stag
lay, and came with right loyal zeal and betrayed him
to the forester."
" So the Unknown was near the dead stag, too ?
Isn't it just possible that he did the killing himself?
His loyal zeal — in a mask — looks just a shade suspi
cious. But what is your Highness's idea for racking
the prisoner? Where is the profit ?"
" He will not confess, else ; and then were his soul
lost. For his crime his life is forfeited by the law —
and of a surety will I see that he payeth it ! — but it
were peril to my own soul to let him die unconfessed
and unabsolved. Nay, I were a fool to fling me into
hell for his accommodation."
" But, your Highness, suppose he has nothing to
confess?"
" As to that, we shall see, anon. An I rack him to
death and he confess not, it will peradventure show
that he had indeed naught to confess — ye will grant
136
that that is sooth? Then shall I not be damned for
an unconfessed man that had naught to confess —
wherefore, I shall be safe."
It was the stubborn unreasoning of the time. It
was useless to argue with her. Arguments have no
chance against petrified training; they wear it as little
as the waves wear a cliff. And her training was every
body's. The brightest intellect in the land would not
have been able to see that her position was defective.
As we entered the rack-cell I caught a picture that
will not go from me; I wish it would. A native
young *giant of thirty or thereabouts, lay stretched
upon the frame on his back, with his wrists and ankles
tied to ropes which led over windlasses at either end.
There was no color in him ; his features were con
torted and set, and sweat-drops stood upon his fore
head. A priest bent over him on each side ; the exe
cutioner stood by ; guards were on duty ; smoking
torches stood in sockets along the walls ; in a corner
crouched a poor young creature, her face drawn with
anguish, a half-wild and hunted look in her eyes, and
in her lap lay a little child asleep. Just as we stepped
across the threshold the executioner gave his machine
a slight turn, which wrung a cry from both the prisoner
and the woman ; but I shouted and the executioner
released the strain without waiting to see who spoke.
I could not let this horror go on ; it would have killed
me to see it. I asked the queen to let me clear the
place and speak to the prisoner privately ; and when
she was going to object I spoke in a low voice and
said I did not want to make a scene before her ser
vants, but I must have my way ; for I was King Ar
thur's representative, and was speaking in his name.
137
She saw she had to yield. I asked her to indorse me
to these people, and then leave me. It was not pleas
ant for her, but she took the pill ; and even went fur
ther than I was meaning to require. I only wanted
the backing of her own authority ; but she said —
" Ye will do in all things as this lord shall com
mand. It is The Boss."
It was certainly a good word to conjure with : you
could see it by the squirming of these rats. The
queen's guards fell into line, and she and they marched
away, with their torch-bearers, and woke the echoes
of the cavernous tunnels with the measured beat of
their retreating foot-falls. I had the prisoner taken
from the rack and placed upon his bed, and medica
ments applied to his hurts, and wine given him to
drink. The woman crept near and looked on, eagerly,
lovingly, but timorously, — like one who fears a re
pulse ; indeed, she tried furtively to touch the man's
forehead, and jumped back, the picture of fright, when I
turned unconsciously toward her. It was pitiful to see.
" Lord," I said, " stroke him, lass, if you want to.
Do anything you're a mind to ; don't mind me."
Why, her eyes were as grateful as an animal's, when
you do it a kindness that it understands. The baby
was out of her way and she had her cheek against the
man's in a minute, and her hands fondling his hair,
and her happy tears running down. The man revived,
and caressed his wife with his eyes, which was all he
could do. I judged I might clear the den, now, and I
did ; cleared it of all but the family and myself. Then
I said —
"Now my friend, tell me your side of this matter;
I know the other side."
The man moved his head in sign of refusal. But
the woman looked pleased — as it seemed to me —
pleased with my suggestion. I went on :
"You know of me?"
" Yes. All do, in Arthur's realms."
" If my reputation has come to you right and
straight, you should not be afraid to speak."
The woman broke in, eagerly :
" Ah, fair my lord, do thou persuade him ! Thou
canst an thou wilt. Ah, he suffereth so ; and it is for
me — for me ! And how can I bear it ? I would I
might see him die — a sweet, swift death ; oh, my
Hugo, I cannot bear this one !"
And she fell to sobbing and grovelling about my
feet, and still imploring. Imploring what ? The
man's death? I could not quite get the bearings of
the thing. But Hugo interrupted her and said —
" Peace ! Ye wit not what ye ask. Shall I starve
whom I love, to win a gentle death? I wend thou
knewest me better."
" Well," I said, " I can't quite make this out. It is
a puzzle. Now — "
" Ah, dear my lord, an ye will but persuade him !
Consider how these his tortures wound me ! Oh, and
he will not speak! — whereas, the healing, the solace
that lie in a blessed swift death — "
" What are you maundering about ? He's going
out from here a free man and whole — he's not going
to die."
The man's white face lit up, and the woman flung
herself at me in a most surprising explosion of joy,
and cried out —
" He is saved ! — for it is the king's word by the
139
mouth of the king's servant — Arthur, the king whose
word is gold !"
" Well, then you do believe I can be trusted, after
all. Why didn't you before?"
" Who doubted ? Not I, indeed ; and not she."
" Well, why wouldn't you tell me your story, then ?"
"Ye had made no promise; else had it been other
wise."
" I see, I see. . . . And yet I believe I don't quite
see, after all. You stood the torture and refused to
confess ; which shows plain enough to even the dullest
understanding that you had nothing to confess —
"/, my lord? How so? It was I that killed the
deer !"
"You did? Oh, dear, this is the most mixed-up
business that ever — "
" Dear lord, I begged him on my knees to confess,
but—"
" You did ! It gets thicker and thicker. What did
you want him to do that for?"
" Sith it would bring him a quick death and save
him all this cruel pain."
" Well — yes, there is reason in that. But he didn't
want the quick death."
" He ? Why, of a surety he did"
" Well, then, why in the world didnt he confess?"
" Ah, sweet sir, and leave my wife and chick without
bread and shelter?"
"Oh, heart of gold, now I see it! The bitter law
takes the convicted man's estate and beggars his wid
ow and his orphans. They could torture you to death,
but without conviction or confession they could not
rob your wife and baby. You stood by them like a
man ; and you — true wife and true woman that you
are — you would have bought him release from torture
at cost to yourself of slow starvation and death — well,
it humbles a body to think what your sex can do
when it comes to self-sacrifice. I'll book you both for
my colony ; you'll like it there ; it's a Factory where
I'm going to turn groping and grubbing automata
into men"
CHAPTER XVIII
IN THE QUEEN'S DUNGEONS
WELL, I arranged all that ; and I had the man sent
to his home. I had a great desire to rack the execu
tioner ; not because he was a good, pains-taking and
pain-giving official, — for surely it was not to his dis
credit that he performed his functions well — but to
pay him back for wantonly cuffing and otherwise dis
tressing that young woman. The priests told me
about this, and were generously hot to have him pun
ished. Something of this disagreeable sort was turn
ing up every now and then. I mean, episodes that
showed that not all priests were frauds and self-seekers,
but that many, even the great majority, of these that
were down on the ground among the common people,
were sincere and right-hearted, and devoted to the
alleviation of human troubles and sufferings. Well,
it was a thing which could not be helped, so I seldom
fretted about it, and never many minutes at a time ;
it has never been my way to bother much about
things which you can't cure. But I did not like it,
for it was just the sort of thing to keep people recon
ciled to an Established Church. We must have a re
ligion — it goes without saying — but my idea is, to
have it cut up into forty free sects, so that they will
police each other, as had been the case in the United
142
States in my time. Concentration of power in a politi
cal machine is bad ; and an Established Church is
only a political machine ; it was invented for that ; it
is nursed, cradled, preserved for that ; it is an enemy
to human liberty, and does no good which it could
not better do in a split-up and scattered condition.
That wasn't law ; it wasn't gospel : it was only an
opinion — my opinion, and I was only a man, one man :
so it wasn't worth any more than the pope's — or any
less, for that matter.
Well, I couldn't rack the executioner, neither would
I overlook the just complaint of the priests. The
man must be punished somehow or other, so I de
graded him from his office and made him leader of
the band — the new one that was to be started. He
begged hard, and said he couldn't play — a plausible
excuse, but too thin ; there wasn't a musician in the
country that could.
The queen was a good deal outraged, next morning,
when she found she was going to have neither Hugo's
life nor his property. But I told her she must bear
this cross ; that while by law and custom she certainly
was entitled to both the man's life and his property,
there were extenuating circumstances, and so in Arthur
the king's name I had pardoned him. The deer was
ravaging the man's fields, and he had killed it in
sudden passion, and not for gain; and he had carried
it into the royal forest in the hope that that might
make detection of the misdoer impossible. Confound
her, I couldn't make her see that sudden passion is
an extenuating circumstance in the killing of veni
son — or of a person — so I gave it up and let her sulk
it out. I did think I was going to make her see it by
U3
remarking that her own sudden passion in the case of
the page modified that crime.
" Crime !" she exclaimed. " How thoii talkest !
Crime, forsooth ! Man, I am going to pay for him !"
Oh, it was no use to waste sense on her. Training —
training is everything ; training is all there is to a
person. We speak of nature ; it is folly ; there is no
such thing as nature ; what we call by that mislead
ing name is merely heredity and training. We have
no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own; they
are transmitted to us, trained into us. All that is
original in us, and therefore fairly creditable or dis
creditable to us, can be covered up and hidden by
the point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms
contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of
ancestors that stretches back a billion years to the
Adam-clam or grasshopper or monkey from whom our
race has been so tediously and ostentatiously and un-
profitably developed. And as for me, all that I think
about in this plodding sad pilgrimage, this pathetic
drift between the eternities, is to look out and humbly
live a pure and high and blameless life, and save that
one microscopic atom in me that is truly me : the
rest may land in Sheol and welcome for all I care.
No, confound her, her intellect was good, she had
brains enough, but her training made her an ass —
that is, from a many-centuries-later point of view. To
kill the page was no crime — it was her right ; and
upon her right she stood, serenely and unconscious
of offence. She was a result of generations of train
ing in the unexamined and unassailed belief that the
law which permitted her to kill a subject when she
chose was a perfectly right and righteous one.
144'
Well, we must give even Satan his due. She de
served a compliment for one thing ; and I tried to
pay it, but the words stuck in my throat. She had
a right to kill the boy, but she was in no wise obliged
to pay for him. That was law for some other people,
but not for her. She knew quite well that she was
doing a large and generous thing to pay for that lad,
and that I ought in common fairness to come out
with something handsome about it, but I couldn't —
my mouth refused. I couldn't help seeing, in my
fancy, that poor old grandma with the broken heart,
and that fair young creature lying butchered, his little
silken pomps and vanities laced with his golden blood.
How could she pay for him ! Whom could she pay?
And so, well knowing that this woman, trained as she
had been, deserved praise, even adulation, I was yet
not able to utter it, trained as / had been. The best
I could do was to fish up a compliment from out
side, so to speak — and the pity of it was, that it was
true:
" Madame, your people will adore you for this."
Quite true, but I meant to hang her for it some
day, if I lived. Some of those laws were too bad,
altogether too bad. A master might kill his slave for
nothing : for mere spite, malice, or to pass the time —
just as we have seen that the crowned head could do
it with his slave, that is to say, anybody. A gentle
man could kill a free commoner, and pay for him —
cash or garden-truck. A noble could kill a noble
without expense, as far as the law was concerned, but
reprisals in kind were to be expected. Anybody
could kill somebody, except the commoner and the
slave; these had no privileges. If they killed, it was
us
murder, and the law wouldn't stand murder. It made
short work of the experimenter — and of his family
too, if he murdered somebody who belonged up
among the ornamental ranks. If a commoner gave
a noble even so much as a Damiens-scratch which
didn't kill or even hurt, he got Damiens's dose for it
just the same ; they pulled him to rags and tatters
with horses, and all the world came to see the show,
and crack jokes, and have a good time ; and some
of the performances of the best people present were
as tough, and as properly unprintable, as any that
have been printed by the pleasant Casanova in his
chapter about the dismemberment of Louis XV.'s
poor awkward enemy.
I had had enough of this grisly place by this time,
and wanted to leave, but I couldn't, because I had
something on my mind that my conscience kept
prodding me about, and wouldn't let me forget. If I
had the remaking of man, he wouldn't have any con
science. It is one of the most disagreeable things
connected with a person ; and although it certainly
does a great deal of good, it cannot be said to pay, in
the long run ; it would be much better to have less
good and more comfort. Still, this is only my opin
ion, and I am only one man ; others, with less ex
perience, may think differently. They have a right
to their view. I only stand to this: I have noticed
my conscience for many years, and I know it is more
trouble and bother to me than anything else I started
with. I suppose that in the beginning I prized it,
because we prize anything that is ours ; and yet how
foolish it was to think so. If we look at it in another
way, we see how absurd it is : if I had an anvil in me
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146
would I prize it ? Of course not. And yet when you
come to think, there is no real difference between a
conscience and an anvil — I mean for comfort. I have
noticed it a thousand times. And you could dissolve
an anvil with acids, when you couldn't stand it any
longer ; but there isn't any way that you can work off
a conscience — at last so it will stay worked off ; not
that I know of, anyway.
. There was something I wanted to do before leav
ing, but it was a disagreeable matter, and I hated to
go at it. Well, it bothered me all the morning. I
could have mentioned it to the old king, but what
would be the use ? — he was but an extinct volcano ;
he had been active in his time, but his fire was out,
this good while, he was only a stately ash-pile, now ;
gentle enough, and kindly enough for my purpose,
without doubt, but not usable. He was nothing, this
so-called king: the queen was the only power there.
And she was a Vesuvius. As a favor, she might con
sent to warm a flock of sparrows for you, but then
she might take that very opportunity to turn herself
loose and bury a city. However, I reflected that as
often as any other way, when you are expecting the
worst, you get something that is not so bad, after all.
So I braced up and placed my matter before her
royal Highness. I said I had been having a general
jail -delivery at Camelot and among neighboring
castles, and with her permission I would like to ex
amine her collection, her bric-a-brac — that is to say,
her prisoners. She resisted ; but I was expecting
that. But she finally consented. I was expecting
that, too, but not so soon. That about ended my
discomfort. She called her guards and torches, and
147
we went down into the dungeons. These were down
under the castle's foundations, and mainly were small
cells hollowed out of the living rock. Some of these
cells had no light at all. In one of them was a
woman, in foul rags, who sat on the ground, and
would not answer a question, or speak a word, but
only looked up at us once or twice, through a cobweb
of tangled hair, as if to see what casual thing it might
be that was disturbing with sound and light the mean
ingless dull dream that was become her life ; after
that, she sat bowed, with her dirt-caked fingers idly
interlocked in her lap, and gave no further sign. This
poor rack of bones was a woman of middle age, appar
ently ; but only apparently; she had been there nine
years, and was eighteen when she entered. She was
a commoner, and had been sent here on her bridal
night by Sir Breuse Sance Pite, a neighboring lord
whose vassal her father was, and to which said lord
she had refused what has since been called le droit
du seigneur ; and moreover, had opposed violence
to violence and spilt half a gill of his almost sacred
blood. The young husband had interfered at that
point, believing the bride's life in danger, and had
flung the noble out into the midst of the humble and
trembling wedding guests, in the parlor, and left him
there astonished at this strange treatment, and im
placably embittered against both bride and groom.
The said lord being cramped for dungeon-room had
asked the queen to accommodate his two criminals,
and here in her bastile they had been ever since;
hither indeed, they had come before their crime was
an hour old, and had never seen each other since.
Here they were, kernellcd like toads in the same rock ;
148
they had passed nine pitch dark years within fifty
feet of each other, yet neither knew whether the other
was alive or not. All the first years, their only ques
tion had been — asked with beseechings and tears
that might have moved stones, in time, perhaps,
but hearts are not stones : " Is he alive ?" " Is she
alive?" But they had never got an answer; and at
last that question was not asked any more — or any
other.
I wanted to see the man, after hearing all this. He
was thirty-four years old, and looked sixty. He sat
upon a squared block of stone, with his head bent
down, his forearms resting on his knees, his long hair
hanging like a fringe before his face, and he was mut
tering to himself. He raised his chin and looked us
slowly over, in a listless dull way, blinking with the
distress of the torchlight, then dropped his head and
fell to muttering again and took no further notice of
us. There were some pathetically suggestive dumb
witnesses present. On his wrists and ankles were cica
trices, old smooth scars, and fastened to the stone on
which he sat was a chain with manacles and fetters
attached ; but this apparatus lay idle on the ground,
and was thick with rust. Chains cease to be needed
after the spirit has gone out of a prisoner.
I could not rouse the man ; so I said we would take
him to her, and see — to the bride who was the fairest
thing in the earth to him, once — roses, pearls and dew
made flesh, for him ; a wonder-work, the master-work
of nature : with eyes like no other eyes, and voice like
no other voice, and a freshness, and lithe young grace,
and beauty, that belonged properly to the creatures of
dreams — as he thought — and to no other. The sight /
U9
of her would set his stagnant blood leaping ; the sight
of her —
But it was a disappointment. They sat together on
the ground and looked dimly wondering into each
other's faces a while, with a sort of weak animal curi
osity ; then forgot each other's presence, and dropped
their eyes, and you saw that they were away again and
wandering in some far land of dreams and shadows
that we know nothing about.
I had them taken out and sent to their friends. The
queen did not like it much. Not that she felt any
personal interest in the matter, but she thought it
disrespectful to Sir Breuse Sance Pite. However, I
assured her that if he found he couldn't stand it I
would fix him so that he could.
I set forty-seven prisoners loose out of those awful
rat-holes, and left only one in captivity. He was a
lord, and had killed another lord, a sort of kinsman of
the queen. That other lord had ambushed him to as
sassinate him, but this fellow had got the best of him
and cut his throat. However, it was not for that that
I left him jailed, but for maliciously destroying the
only public well in one of his wretched villages. The
queen was bound to hang him for killing her kins
man, but I would not allow it : it was no crime to kill
an assassin. But I said I was willing to let her hang
him for destroying the well ; so she concluded to put
up with that, as it was better than nothing.
Dear me, for what trifling offences the most of those
forty-seven men and women were shut up there ! In
deed, some were there for no distinct offence at all,
but only to gratify somebody's spite ; and not always
the queen's by any means, but a friend's. The new-
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150
est prisoner's crime was a mere remark which he had
made. He said he believed that men were about all
alike, and one man as good as another, barring clothes.
He said he believed that if you were to strip the na
tion naked and send a stranger through the crowd, he
couldn't tell the king from a quack doctor, nor a duke
from a hotel clerk. Apparently here was a man whose
brains had not been reduced to an ineffectual mush by
idiotic training. I set him loose and sent him to the
Factory.
Some of the cells carved in the living rock were just
behind the face of the precipice, and in each of these
an arrow-slit had been pierced outward to the daylight,
and so the captive had a thin ray from the blessed sun
for his comfort. The case of one of these poor fel
lows was particularly hard. From his dusky swal
low's hole high up in that vast wall of native rock he
could peer out through the arrow-slit and see his own
home off yonder in the valley; and for twenty -two
years he had watched it, with heart-ache and longing,
through that crack. He could see the lights shine
there at night, and in the daytime he could see figures
go in and come out — his wife and children, some of
them, no doubt, though he could not make out, at
that distance. In the course of years he noted festiv
ities there, and tried to rejoice, and wondered if they
were weddings or what they might be. And he noted
funerals; and they wrung his heart. He could make
out the coffin, but he could not determine its size, and
so could not tell whether it was wife or child. He
could see the procession form, with priests and mourn
ers, and move solemnly away, bearing the secret with
them. He had left behind him five children and a
wife ; and in nineteen years he had seen five funerals
issue, and none of them humble enough in pomp to
denote a servant. So he had lost five of his treasures ;
there must still be one remaining — one now infinitely,
unspeakably precious, — but which one ? wife, or child ?
That was the question that tortured him, by night and
by day, asleep and awake. Well, to have an interest,
of some sort, and half a ray of light, when you are in
a dungeon, is a great support to the body and pre
server of the intellect. This man was in pretty good
condition yet. By the time he had finished telling
me his distressful tale, I was in the same state of mind
that you would have been in yourself, if you have got
average human curiosity : that is to say, I was as burn
ing up as he was to find out which member of the
family it was that was left. So I took him over home
myself ; and an amazing kind of a surprise party it
was, too — typhoons and cyclones of frantic joy, and
whole Niagaras of happy tears ; and by George we
found the aforetime young matron graying toward
the imminent verge of her half century, and the ba
bies all men and women, and some of them married
and experimenting family wise themselves — for not a
soul of the tribe was dead ! Conceive of the ingen
ious devilishness of that queen : she had a special ha
tred for this prisoner, and she had invented all those
funerals herself, to scorch his heart with ; and the sub-
limest stroke of genius of the whole thing was leaving
the family-invoice a funeral short, so as to let him wear
his poor old soul out guessing.
But for me, he never would have got out. Morgan
le Fay hated him with her whole heart, and she never
would have softened toward him. And yet his crime
152
was committed more in thoughtlessness than deliber
ate depravity. He had said she had red hair. Well,
she had ; but that was no way to speak of it. When
red -headed people are above a certain social grade
their hair is auburn.
Consider it : among these forty-seven captives there
were five whose names, offences, and dates of incarcer
ation were no longer known ! One woman and four
men — all bent, and wrinkled, and mind-extinguished
patriarchs. They themselves had long ago forgotten
these details ; at any rate they had mere vague theo
ries about them, nothing definite and nothing that
they repeated twice in the same way. The succes
sion of priests whose office it had been to pray daily
with the captives and remind them that God had put
them there, for some wise purpose or other, and teach
them that patience, humbleness, and submission to op
pression was what He loved to see in parties of a sub
ordinate rank, had traditions about these poor old
human ruins, but nothing more. These traditions
went but little way, for they concerned the length of
the incarceration only, and not the names of the of
fences. And even by the help of tradition the only
thing that could be proven was that none of the five
had seen daylight for thirty -five years: how much
longer this privation had lasted was not guessable.
The king and the queen knew nothing about these
poor creatures, except that they were heirlooms, as
sets inherited, along with the throne, from the former
firm. Nothing of their history had been transmitted
with their persons, and so the inheriting owners had
considered them of no value, and had felt no interest
in them. I said to the queen —
153
"Then why in the world didn't you set them free?"
The question was a puzzler. She didn't know why
she hadn't ; the thing had never come up in her mind.
So here she was, forecasting the veritable history of
future prisoners of the Castle d'lf, without knowing it.
It seemed plain to me now, that with her training,
those inherited prisoners were merely property — noth
ing more, nothing less. Well, when we inherit prop
erty, it does not occur to us to throw it away, even
when we do not value it.
When I brought my procession of human bats up
into the open world and the glare of the after
noon sun — previously blind-folding them, in charity
for eyes so long untortured by light — they were a
spectacle to look at. Skeletons, scarecrows, goblins,
pathetic frights, every one: legitimatest possible chil
dren of Monarchy by the Grace of God and the Es
tablished Church. I muttered absently—
" I wisk I could photograph them !"
You have seen that kind of people who will never
let on that they don't know the meaning of a new big
word. The more ignorant they are, the more piti
fully certain they are to pretend you haven't shot
over their heads. The queen was just one of that
sort, and was always making the stupidest blunders
by reason of it. She hesitated a moment; then her
face brightened up with sudden comprehension, and
she said she would do it for me.
I thought to myself: She? why what can she know
about photography? But it was a poor time to be
thinking. When 1 looked around, she was moving on
the procession with an axe !
Well, she certainly was a curious one, was Morgan
154
le Fay. I have seen a good many kinds of women in
my time, but she laid over them all, for variety. And
how sharply characteristic of her this episode was.
She had no more idea than a horse, of how to photo
graph a procession ; but being in doubt, it was just
like her to try to do it with an axe.
CHAPTER XIX
KNIGHT ERRANTRY AS A TRADE
SANDY and I were on the road again, next morning,
bright and early. It was so good to open up one's
lungs and take in whole luscious barrels -full of the
blessed God's untainted, dew- freshened, woodland-
scented air once more, after suffocating body and
mind for two days and nights in the moral and physi
cal stenches of that intolerable old buzzard-roost ! I
mean, for me : of course the place was all right and
agreeable enough for Sandy, for she had been used to
high life all her days.
Poor girl, her jaws had had a wearisome rest, now for
a while, and I was expecting to get the consequences.
I was right ; but she had stood by me most helpfully
in the castle, and had mightily supported and rein
forced me with gigantic foolishnesses which were
worth more for the occasion than wisdoms double
their size; so I thought she had earned a right to
work her mill for a while, if she wanted to, and I felt
not a pang when she started it up :
" Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with the
damsel of thirty winter of age southward—
" Are you going to see if you can work up another
half-stretch on the trail of the cowboys, Sandy?"
" Even so, fair my lord."
156
" Go ahead, then. I won't interrupt this time, if I
can help it. Begin over again ; start fair, and shake
out all your reefs, and I will load my pipe and give
good attention."
" Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with the
damsel of thirty winter of age southward. And so
they came into a deep forest, and by fortune they
were nighted, and rode along in a deep way, and at
the last they came into a courtelage where abode the
duke of South Marches, and there they asked harbour.
And on the morn the duke sent unto Sir Marhaus, and
bad him make him ready. And so Sir Marhaus arose
and armed him, and there was a mass sung afore him,
and he brake his fast, and so mounted on horseback
i'n the court of the castle, there they should do the
battle. So there was the duke already on horseback,
clean armed, and his six sons by him, and every each
had a spear in his hand, and so they encountered,
whereas the duke and his two sons brake their spears
upon him, but Sir Marhaus held up his spear and
touched none of them. Then came the four sons by
couples, and two of them brake their spears, and so
did the other two. And all this while Sir Marhaus
touched them not. Then Sir Marhaus ran to the
duke, and smote him with his spear that horse and
man fell to the earth. And so he served his sons.
And then Sir Marhaus alight down, and bad the duke
yield him or else he would slay him. And then some
of his sons recovered, and would have set upon Sir
Marhaus. Then Sir Marhaus said to the duke, Cease
thy sons, or else I will do the uttermost to you all.
When the duke saw he might not escape the death,
he cried to his sons, and charged them to yield
I $7
them to Sir Marhaus. And they kneeled all down
and put the pommels of their swords to the knight,
and so he received them. And then they holp up
their father, and so by their common assent promised
unto Sir Marhaus never to be foes unto King Arthur,
and thereupon at Whitsuntide after, to come he and
his sons, and put them in the king's grace.*
" Even so standeth the history, fair Sir Boss. Now
ye shall wit that that very duke and his six sons are
they whom but few days past you also did overcome
and send to Arthur's court !"
" Why, Sandy, you can't mean it !"
" An I speak not sooth, let it be the worse for me.5'
" Well, well, well, — now who would ever have
thought it ? One whole duke and six dukelets ; why,
Sandy, it was an elegant haul. Knight-errantry is a
most chuckle -headed trade, and it is tedious hard
work, too, but I begin to see that there is money in
it, after all, if you have luck. Not that I would ever
engage in it as a business ; for I wouldn't. No sound
and legitimate business can be established on a basis
of speculation. A successful whirl in the knight-er
rantry line — now what is it when you blow away the
nonsense and come down to the cold facts? It's just
a corner in pork, that's all, and you can't make any
thing else out of it. You're rich — yes, — suddenly
rich — for about a day, maybe a week : then some
body corners the market on you, and down goes your
bucket-shop; ain't that so, Sandy?"
" Whethersoever it be that my mind miscarrieth,
* The story is borrowed, language and all, from the Morte
d Arthur.— M. T.
bewraying simple language in such sort that the words
do seem to come endlong and overthwart —
" There's no use in beating about the bush and
trying to get around it that way, Sandy, it's so, just
as I say. I know it's so. And, moreover, when you
come right down to the bed-rock, knight-errantry is
worse than pork ; for whatever happens, the pork's
left, and so somebody's benefited, anyway ; but when
the market breaks, in a knight-errantry whirl, and
every knight in the pool passes in his checks, what
have you got for assets? Just a rubbish-pile of bat
tered corpses and a barrel or two of busted hardware.
Can you call those assets ? Give me pork, every time.
Am I right ?"
" Ah, peradventure my head being distraught by
the manifold matters whereunto the confusions cf
these but late adventured haps and fortunings where
by not I alone nor you alone, but every each of us,
meseemeth —
" No, it's not your head, Sandy. Your head's all
right, as far as it goes, but you don't know business ;
that's where the trouble is. It unfits you to argue
about business, and you're wrong to be always try
ing. However, that aside, it was a good haul, any
way, and will breed a handsome crop of reputation
in Arthur's court. And speaking of the cowboys,
what a curious country this is for women and men
that never get old. Now there's Morgan le Fay, as
fresh and young as a Vassar pullet, to all appearances,
and here is this old duke of the South Marches still
slashing away with sword and lance at his time of life,
after raising such a family as he has raised. As I un
derstand it, Sir Gawaine killed seven of his sons, and
1 59
still he had six left for Sir Marhaus and me to take
into camp. And then there was that damsel of sixty
winter of age still excursioning around in her frosty
bloom— How old are you, Sandy?"
It was the first time I ever struck a still place in
her. The mill had shut down for repairs, or some
thing.
CHAPTER XX
BETWEEN six and nine we made ten miles, which
was plenty for a horse carrying triple — man, woman,
and armor ; then we stopped for a long nooning, under
some trees by a limpid brook.
Right so came by-and-by a knight riding ; and as he
drew near he made dolorous moan, and by the words
of it I perceived that he was cursing and swearing; yet
nevertheless was I glad of his coming, for that I saw
he bore a bulletin-board whereon in letters all of shin
ing gold was writ —
"USE PETERSON'S PROPHYLACTIC TOOTH-BRUSH
— ALL THE Go."
I was glad of his coming, for even by this token I
knew him for knight of mine. It was Sir Madok de
la Montaine, a burly great fellow whose chief distinc
tion was that he had come within an ace of sending
Sir Launcelot down over his horse-tail once. He was
never long in a stranger's presence without finding
some pretext or other to let out that great fact. But
there was another fact of nearly the same size, which
he never pushed upon anybody unasked, and yet never
withheld when asked: that was, that the reason he
didn't quite succeed was, that he was interrupted and
sent down over horse-tail himself. This innocent vast
lubber did not see any particular difference between
the two facts. I liked him, for he was earnest in his
work, and very valuable. And he was so fine to look
at, with his broad mailed shoulders, and the grand
leonine set of his plumed head, and his big shield with
its quaint device of a gauntleted hand clutching a
prophylactic tooth-brush, with motto : " Try Noyou-
dont" This was a tooth-wash that I was introducing.
He was aweary, he said, and indeed he looked it ;
but he would not alight. He said he was after the
stove-polish man ; and with this he broke out cursing
and swearing anew. The bulletin-boarder referred to
was Sir Ossaise of Surluse, a brave knight, and of con
siderable celebrity on account of his having tried con
clusions in a tournament, once, with no less a Mogul
than Sir Gaheris himself — although not successfully.
He was of a light and laughing disposition, and to
him nothing in this world was serious. It was for
this reason that I had chosen him to work up a stove-
polish sentiment. There were no stoves yet, and so
there could be nothing serious about stove-polish. All
that the agent needed to do was to deftly and by de
grees prepare the public for the great change, and
have them established in predilections toward neat
ness against the time when the stove should appear
upon the stage.
Sir Madok was very bitter, and brake out anew with
cursings. He said he had cursed his soul to rags ; and
yet he would not get down from his horse, neither
would he take any rest, or listen to any comfort, until
he should have found Sir Ossaise and settled this ac-
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162
count. It appeared, by what I could piece together
of the unprofane fragments of his statement, that he
had chanced upon Sir Ossaise at dawn of the morn
ing, and been told that if he would make a short cut
across the fields and swamps and broken hills and
glades, he could head off a company of travellers who
would be rare customers for prophylactics and tooth-
wash. With characteristic zeal Sir Madok had plunged
away at once upon this quest, and after three hours
of awful crosslot riding had overhauled his game.
And behold, it was the five patriarchs that had been
released from the dungeons the evening before ! Poor
old creatures, it was all of twenty years since any one
of them had known what it was to be equipped with
any remaining snag or remnant of a tooth.
"Blank-blank-blank him," said Sir Madok, "an I
do not stove-polish him an I may find him, leave it to
me ; for never no knight that hight Ossaise or aught
else may do me this disservice and bide on live, an I
may find him, the which I have thereunto sworn a
great oath this day."
And with these words, and others, he lightly took
his spear and gat him thence. In the middle of the
afternoon we came upon one of those very patriarchs
ourselves, in the edge of a poor village. He was bask
ing in the love of relatives and friends whom he had
not seen for fifty years; and about him and caressing
him were also descendants of his own body whom he
had never seen at all till now ; but to him these were
all strangers, his memory was gone, his mind was stag
nant. It seemed incredible that a man could outlast
half a century shut up in a dark hole like a rat, but
here were his old wife and some old comrades to
163
testify to it. They could remember him as he was in
the freshness and strength of his young manhood,
when he kissed his child and delivered it to its
mother's hands and went away into that long obliv
ion. The people at the castle could not tell within
half a generation the length of time the man had been
shut up there for his unrecorded and forgotten of
fence ; but this old wife knew ; and so did her old
child, who stood there among her married sons and
daughters trying to realize a father who had been to
her a name, a thought, a formless image, a tradition,
all her life, and now was suddenly concreted into
actual flesh and blood and set before her face.
It was a curious situation ; yet it is not on that
account that I have made room for it here, but on
account of a thing which seemed to me still more
curious. To wit, that this dreadful matter brought
from these drown-trodden people no outburst of rage
against these oppressors. They had been heritors
and subjects of cruelty and outrage so long that noth
ing could have startled them but a kindness. Yes,
here was a curious revelation indeed, of the depth to
which this people had been sunk in slavery. Their
entire being was reduced to a monotonous dead level
of patience, resignation, dumb uncomplaining accept
ance of whatever might befall them in this life. Their
very imagination was dead. When you can say that
of a man, he has struck bottom, I reckon ; there is no
lower deep for him.
I rather wished I had gone some other road. This
was not the sort of experience for a statesman to en
counter who was planning out a peaceful revolution
in his mind. For it could not help bringing up the
164
un-get-aroundable fact that, all gentle cant and phi
losophizing to the contrary notwithstanding, no peo-
; pie in the world ever did achieve their freedom by
goody-goody talk and moral suasion : it being immu
table law that all revolutions that will succeed, must
\begin in blood, whatever may answer afterward. If
j history teaches anything, it teaches that. What this
[ folk needed, then, was a Reign of Terror and a guil
lotine, and I was the wrong man for them.
Two days later, toward noon, Sandy began to show
signs of excitement and feverish expectancy. She
said we were approaching the ogre's castle. I was
surprised into an uncomfortable shock. The object
of our quest had gradually dropped out of my mind ;
this sudden resurrection of it made it seem qnite a
real and startling thing, for a moment, and roused up
in me a smart interest. Sandy's excitement increased
every moment ; and so did mine, for that sort of thing
is catching. My heart got to thumping. You can't
reason with your heart ; it has its own laws, and
thumps about things which the intellect scorns. Pres
ently, when Sandy slid from the horse, motioned me
to stop, and went creeping stealthily, with her head
bent nearly to her knees, toward a row of bushes that
bordered a declivity, the thumpings grew stronger
and quicker. And they kept it up while she was gain
ing her ambush and getting her glimpse over the de*
clivity ; and also while I was creeping to her side on my
knees. Her eyes were burning, now, as she pointed
with her ringer, and said in a panting whisper —
" The castle ! The castle ! Lo, where it looms !"
What a welcome disappointment I experienced ! I
said —
165
" Castle? It is nothing but a pig-sty; a pig-sty with
a wattled fence around it."
She looked surprised and distressed. The anima
tion faded out of her face ; and during many moments
she was lost in thought and silent. Then—
" It was not enchanted aforetime," she said in a
musing fashion, as if to herself. "And how strange
is this marvel, and how awful — that to the one percep
tion it is enchanted and dight in a base and shameful
aspect ; yet to the perception of the other it is not
enchanted, hath suffered no change, but stands firm
and stately still, girt with its moat and waving its
banners in the blue air from its towers. And God
shield us, how it pricks the heart to see again these
gracious captives, and the sorrow deepened in their
sweet faces! We have tarried along, and are to
blame."
I saw my cue. The castle was enchanted to me,
not to her. It would be wasted time to try to argue
her out of her delusion, it couldn't be done ; I must
just humor it. So I said —
" This is a common case — the enchanting of a thing
to one eye and leaving it in its proper form to
another. You have heard of it before, Sandy, though
you haven't happened to experience it. But no harm
is done. In fact it is lucky the way it is. If these
ladies were hogs to everybody and to themselves, it
would be necessary to break the enchantment, and
that might be impossible if one failed to find out
the particular process of the enchantment. And
hazardous, too ; for in attempting a disenchantment
without the true key, you are liable to err, and turn
your hogs into dogs, and the dogs into cats, the cats
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i66
into rats, and so on, and end by reducing your ma
terials to nothing, finally, or to an odorless gas which
you can't follow — which of course amounts to the
same thing. But here, by good-luck, no one's eyes
but mine are under the enchantment, and so it is of
no consequence to dissolve it. These ladies remain
ladies to you, and to themselves, and to everybody
else; and at the same time they will suffer in no way
from my delusion, for when I know that an ostensible
hog is a lady, that is enough for me, I know how to
treat her."
" Thanks, oh sweet my lord, thou talkest like an
angel. And I know that thou wilt deliver them, for
that thou art minded to great deeds and art as strong
a knight of your hands and as brave to will and to do,
as any that is on live."
" I will not leave a princess in the sty, Sandy. Are
those three yonder that to my disordered eyes are
starveling swine-herds — "
"The ogres? Are they changed also? It is most
wonderful. Now am I fearful ; for how canst thou
strike with sure aim when five of their nine cubits of
stature are to thee invisible ? Ah, go warily, fair sir ;
this is a mightier emprise than I wend."
" You be easy, Sandy. All I need to know is, how
much of an ogre is invisible ; then I know how to
locate his vitals. Don't you be afraid, I will make
short work of these bunco-steerers. Stay where you
are."
I left Sandy kneeling there, corpse-faced but plucky
and hopeful, and rode down to the pig-sty, and struck
up a trade with the swine-herds. I won their grati
tude by buying out all the hogs at the lump sum of
i67
sixteen pennies, which was rather above latest quo
tations. I was just in time ; for the Church, the lord
of the manor, and the rest of the tax gatherers would
have been along next day and swept off pretty much
all the stock, leaving the swine-herds very short of
hogs and Sandy out of princesses. But now the tax
people could be paid in cash, and there would be a
stake left besides. One of the men had ten children ;
and he said that last year when a priest came and
of his ten pigs took the fattest one for tithes, the
wife burst out upon him, and offered him a child and ;
said —
"Thou beast without bowels of mercy, why leave
me my child, yet rob me of the wherewithal to
feed it?"
How curious. The same thing had happened in
the Wales of my day, under this same old Estab
lished Church, which was supposed by many to have
changed its nature when it changed its disguise.
I sent the three men away, and then opened the
sty gate and beckoned Sandy to come — which she
did ; and not leisurely, but with the rush of a prairie-
fire. And when I saw her fling herself upon those
hogs, with tears of joy running down her cheeks, and
strain them to her heart, and kiss them, and caress
them, and call them reverently by grand princely
names, I was ashamed of her, ashamed of the human
race.
We had to drive those hogs home — ten miles ; and
no ladies we^e ever more fickle-minded or contrary.
They would stay in no road, no path ; they broke out
through the brush on all sides, and flowed away in
all directions, over rocks, and hills, and the roughest
168
places they could find. And they must not be struck,
or roughly accosted ; Sandy could not bear to see
them treated in ways unbecoming their rank. The
troublesomest old sow of the lot had to be called my
Lady, and your Highness, like the rest. It is annoy
ing and difficult to scour around after hogs, in armor.
There was one small countess, with an iron ring in
her snout and hardly any hair on her back, that was
the devil for perversity. She gave me a race of an
hour, over all sorts of country, and then we were right
where we had started from, having made not U rod of
real progress. I seized her at last by the tail, and
brought her along, squealing. When I overtook
Sandy, she was horrified, and said it was in the last
degree indelicate to drag a countess by her train.
We got the hogs home just at dark — most of them.
The princess Nerovens de Morganore was missing,
and two of her ladies in waiting : namely, Miss Ange
la Bohun, and the Demoiselle Elaine Courtemains, the
former of these two being a young black sow with a
white star in her forehead, and the latter a brown one
with thin legs and a slight limp in the forward shank
on the starboard side — a couple of the try ingest blis
ters to drive, that I ever saw. Also among the missing
were several mere baronesses — and I wanted them to
stay missing ; but no, all that sausage-meat had to be
found ; so, servants were sent out with torches to
scour the woods and hills to that end.
Of course the whole drove was housed in the house,
and great guns ! — well, I never saw anything like it.
Nor ever heard anything like it. And never smelt
anything like it. It was like an insurrection in a gas
ometer.
CHAPTER XXI
THE PILGRIMS
WHEN I did get to bed at last I was unspeakably
tired ; the stretching out, and the relaxing of the long-
tense muscles, how luxurious, how delicious! but that
was as far as I could get — sleep was out of the ques
tion, for the present. The ripping and tearing and
squealing of the nobility up and down the halls and
corridors was pandemonium come again, and kept me
broad awake. Being awake, my thoughts were busy
of course ; and mainly they busied themselves with
Sandy's curious delusion. Here she was, as sane a
person as the kingdom could produce ; and yet, from
my point of view she was acting like a crazy woman.
My land, the power of training ! of influence ! of edu
cation ! It can bring a body up to believe anything.
I had to put myself in Sandy's place to realize that
she was not a lunatic. Yes, and put her in mine, to
demonstrate how easy it is to seem a lunatic to a per
son who has not been taught as you have been taught.
If I had told Sandy I had seen a wagon, uninfluenced by
enchantment, spin along fifty miles an hour; had seen
a man, unequipped with magic powers, get into a bas
ket and soar out of sight among the clouds ; and had
listened, without any necromancer's help, to the con
versation of a person who was several hundred miles
I7Q
away, Sandy would not merely have supposed me to
be crazy, she would have thought she knew it. Every
body around her believed in enchantments ; nobody
had any doubts ; to doubt that a castle could be
turned into a sty, and its occupants into hogs, would
have been the same as my doubting, among Connecti
cut people, the actuality of the telephone and its won
ders, — and in both cases would be absolute proof of a
diseased mind, an unsettled reason. Yes, Sandy was
sane ; that must be admitted. If I also would be sane
— to Sandy — I must keep my superstitions about un-
enchanted and unmiraculous locomotives, balloons
and telephones, to myself. Also, I believed that the
world was not flat, and hadn't pillars under it to sup
port it, nor a canopy over it to turn off a universe of
water that occupied all space above : but as I was the
only person in the kingdom afflicted with such impi
ous and criminal opinions, I recognized that it would
be good wisdom to keep quiet about this matter, too,
if I did not wish to be suddenly shunned and forsaken
by everybody as a madman.
The next morning Sandy assembled the swine in
the dining-room and gave them their breakfast, wait
ing upon them personally and manifesting in every
way the deep reverence which the natives of her isl
and, ancient and modern, have always felt for rank,
let its outward casket and the mental and moral con
tents be what they may. I could have eaten with the
hogs if I had had birth approaching my lofty official
rank ; but I hadn't, and so accepted the unavoidable
slight and made no complaint. Sandy and I had our
breakfast at the second table. The family were not
at home. I said :
171
" How many are in the family, Sandy, and where
do they keep themselves ?"
" Family?"
" Yes."
" Which family, good my lord?"
" Why, this family ; your own family."
" Sooth to say, I understand you not. I have no
family."
" No family? Why, Sandy, isn't this your home?"
" Now how indeed might that be ? I have no
home."
" Well, then, whose house is this ?"
" Ah, wit you well I would tell you an I knew
myself."
" Come — you don't even know these people ? Then
who invited us here ?"
" None invited us. We but came ; that is all."
" Why, woman, this is a most extraordinary per
formance. The effrontery of it is beyond admiration.
We blandly march into a man's house, and cram it
full of the only really valuable nobility__the sun has
yet discovered in the earth, and then it turns out that
we don't even know the man's name. How did you
ever venture to take this extravagant liberty ? I sup
posed, of course, it was your home. What will the
man say?"
" What will he say ? Forsooth what can he say
but give thanks ?"
"Thanks for what ?"
Her face was filled with a puzzled surprise :
" Verily, thou troublest mine understanding with
strange words. Do ye dream that one of his estate
is like to have the honor twice in his life to entertain
172
company such as we have brought to grace his house
withal ?"
" Well, no — when you come to that. No, it's an
even bet that this is the first time he has had a treat
like this."
" Then let him be thankful, and manifest the same
by grateful speech and due humility ; he were a dog,
else, and the heir and ancestor of dogs."
To my mind, the situation was uncomfortable. It
might become more so. It might be a good idea to
muster the hogs and move on. So I said :
" The day is wasting, Sandy. It is time to get the
nobility together and be moving."
" Wherefore, fair sir and Boss ?"
" We want to take them to their home, don't we?"
" La, but list to him ! They be of all the regions
of the earth ! Each must hie to her own home ;
wend you we might do all these journeys in one so
brief life as He hath appointed that created life, and
thereto death likewise with help of Adam, who by sin
done through persuasion of his helpmeet, she being
wrought upon and bewrayed by the beguilements of
the great enemy of man, that serpent hight Satan,
aforetime consecrated and set apart unto that evil
work by overmastering spite and envy begotten in
his heart through fell ambitions that did blight and
mildew a nature erst so white and pure whenso it
hove with the shining multitudes its brethren-born in
glade and shade of that fair heaven wherein all such
as native be to that rich estate and — "
" Great Scott !"
" My lord ?"
" Well, you know we haven't got time for this sort
173
of thing. Don't you see, we could distribute these-
people around the earth in less time than it is going
to take you to explain that we can't. We mustn't
talk now, we must act. You want to be careful ; you
mustn't let your mill get the start of you that way,
at a time like this. To business, now — and sharp's
the word. Who is to take the aristocracy home ?"
" Even their friends. These will come for them
from the far parts of the earth."
This was lightning from a clear sky, for unexpect
edness ; and the relief of it was like pardon to a pris
oner. She would remain to deliver the goods, of
course.
" Well, then, Sandy, as our enterprise is handsome
ly and successfully ended, I will go home and report ;
and if ever another one — "
" I also am ready ; I will go with thee."
This was recalling the pardon.
" How ? You will go with me ? Why should you ?"
" Will I be traitor to my knight, dost think ? That
were dishonor. I may not part from thee until in
knightly encounter in the field some overmatching
champion shall fairly win and fairly wear me. I were
to blame an I thought that that might ever hap."
" Elected for the long term," I sighed to myself.
" I may as well make the best of it." So then I
spoke up and said :
" All right ; let us make a start."
While she was gone to cry her farewells over the
pork, I gave that whole peerage away to the servants.
And I asked them to take a duster and dust around
a little where the nobilities had mainly lodged and
promenaded, but they considered that that would be
174
hardly worth while, and would moreover be a rather
grave departure from custom, and therefore likely to
make talk. A departure from custom — that settled
it ; it was a nation capable of committing any crime
but that. The servants said they would follow the
fashion, a fashion grown sacred through immemorial
observance : they would scatter fresh rushes in all the
rooms and halls, and then the evidence of the aristo
cratic visitation would be no longer visible. It was a
kind of satire on Nature ; it was the scientific method,
the geologic method ; it deposited the history of the
family in a stratified record ; and the antiquary could
dig through it and tell by the remains of each period
what changes of diet the family had introduced suc
cessively for a hundred years.
The first thing we struck that day was a procession
of pilgrims. It was not going our way, but we joined
it nevertheless ; for it was hourly being borne in upon
me, now, that if I would govern this country wisely,
I must be posted in the details of its life, and not at
second hand but by personal observation and scrutiny.
This company of pilgrims resembled Chaucer's in
this : that it had in it a sample of about all the upper
occupations and professions the country could show,
and a corresponding variety of costume. There were
young men and old men, young women and old
women, lively folk and grave folk. They rode upon
mules and horses, and there was not a side-saddle in
the party ; for this specialty was .to remain unknown
in England for nine hundred years yet.
It was a pleasant, friendly, sociable herd ; pious,
happy, merry, and full of unconscious coarsenesses and
innocent indecencies. What they regarded as the
175
merry tale went the continual round and caused no
more embarrassment than it would have caused in the
best English society twelve centuries later. Practi
cal jokes worthy of the English wits of the first quar
ter of the far-off nineteenth century were sprung here
and there and yonder along the line, and compelled
the delightedest applause ; and sometimes when a
bright remark was made at one end of the procession
and started on its travels toward the other, you could
note its progress all the way by the sparkling spray of
laughter it threw off from its bows as it plowed along;
and also by the blushes of the mules in its wake.
Sandy knew the goal and purpose of this pilgrimage
and she posted me. She said :
" They journey to the Valley of Holiness, for to be
blessed of the godly hermits and drink of the miracu
lous waters and be cleansed from sin."
" Where is this watering place ?"
" It lieth a two day journey hence, by the borders
of the land that hight the Cuckoo Kingdom."
" Tell me about it. Is it a celebrated place ?"
" Oh, of a truth, yes. There be none more so. Of
old time there lived there an abbot and his monks.
Belike were none in the world more holy than these ;
for they gave themselves to study of pious books, and
spoke not the one to the other, or indeed to any, and
ate decayed herbs and naught thereto, and slept hard,
and prayed much, and washed never ; also they wore
the same garment until it fell from their bodies
through age and decay. Right so came they to be
known of all the world by reason of these holy auster
ities, and visited by rich and poor, and reverenced."
" Proceed."
176
" But always there was lack of water there. Where
as, upon a time, the holy abbot prayed, and for answer
a great stream of clear water burst forth by miracle in
a desert place. Now were the fickle monks tempted
of the Fiend, and they wrought with their abbot un
ceasingly by beggings and beseechings that he would
construct a bath ; and when he was become aweary
and might not resist more, he said have ye your will,
then, and granted that they asked. Now mark thou
what 'tis to forsake the ways of purity the which He
loveth, and wanton with such as be worldly and an
offence. These monks did enter into the bath and
come thence washed as white as snow ; and lo, in that
moment His sign appeared, in miraculous rebuke ! for
His insulted waters ceased to flow, and utterly van
ished away."
" They fared mildly, Sandy, considering how that
kind of crime is regarded in this country."
" Belike ; but it was their first sin ; and they had
been of perfect life for long, and differing in naught
from the angels. Prayers, tears, torturings of the
flesh, all was vain to beguile that water to flow again.
Even processions ; even burnt-offerings ; even votive
candles to the Virgin, did fail every each of them ;
and all in the land did marvel."
" How odd to find that even this industry has its
financial panics, and at times sees its assignats and
greenbacks languish to zero, and everything come to a
standstill. Go on, Sandy."
" And so upon a time, after year and day, the good
abbot made humble surrender and destroyed the bath.
And behold, His anger was in that moment appeased,
and the waters gushed richly forth again, and even
177
unto this day they have not ceased to flow in that
generous measure."
" Then I take it nobody has washed since.'*
" He that would essay it could have his halter free ;
yea, and swiftly would he need it, too."
"The community has prospered since?"
" Even from that very day. The fame of the mira
cle went abroad into all lands. From every land came
monks to join ; they came even as the fishes come, in
shoals ; and the monastery added building to building,
and yet others to these, and so spread wide its arms
and took them in. And nuns came, also ; and more
again, and yet more ; and built over against the mon
astery on the yon side of the vale, and added building
to building, until mighty was that nunnery. And
these were friendly unto those, and they joined their
loving labors together, and together they built a fair
great foundling asylum midway of the valley between."
" You spoke of some hermits, Sandy."
" These have gathered there from the ends of the
earth. A hermit thriveth best where there be multi
tudes of pilgrims. Ye shall not find no hermit of no
sort wanting. If any shall mention a hermit of a kind
he thinketh new and not to be found but in some far
strange land, let him but scratch among the holes and
caves and swamps that line that Valley of Holiness,
and whatsoever be his breed, it skills not, he shall find
a sample of it there."
I closed up alongside of a burly fellow with a fat
good-humored face, purposing to make myself agree
able and pick up some further crumbs of fact ; but I
had hardly more than scraped acquaintance with him
when he began eagerly and awkwardly to lead up, in
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the immemorial way, to that same old anecdote — the
one Sir Dinadan told me, what time I got into trouble
with Sir Sagramor and was challenged of him on ac
count of it. I excused myself and dropped to the rear
of the procession, sad at heart, willing to go hence
from this troubled life, this vale of tears, this brief day
of broken rest, of cloud and storm, of weary struggle
and monotonous defeat ; and yet shrinking from the
change, as remembering how long eternity is, and how
many have wended thither who know that anecdote.
Early in the afternoon we overtook another proces
sion of pilgrims ; but in this one was no merriment, no
jokes, no laughter, no playful ways, nor any happy
giddiness, whether of youth or age. Yet both were
here, both age and youth ; gray old men and women,
strong men and women of middle age, young hus
bands, young wives, little boys and girls, and three
babies at the breast. Even the children were smile-
less ; there was not a face among all these half a hun
dred people but was cast down, and bore that set ex
pression of hopelessness which is bred of long and
hard trials and old acquaintance with despair. They
were slaves. Chains led from their fettered feet and
their manacled hands to a sole-leather belt about their
waists ; and all except the children were also linked
together in a file, six feet apart, by a single chain
which led from collar to collar all down the line. They
were on foot, and had tramped three hundred miles in
eighteen days, upon the cheapest odds and ends of
food, and stingy rations of that. They had slept in
these chains every night, bundled together like swine.
They had upon their bodies some poor rags, but they
could not be said to be clothed. Their irons had
179
chafed the skin from their ankles and made sores
which were ulcerated and wormy. Their naked feet
were torn, and none walked without a limp. Origi
nally there had been a hundred of these unfortunates,
but about half had been sold on the trip. The trader
in charge of them rode a horse and carried a whip with
a short handle and a long heavy lash divided into sev
eral knotted tails at the end. With this whip he cut
the shoulders of any that tottered from weariness
and pain, and straitened them up. He did not speak;
the whip conveyed his desire without that. None of
these poor creatures looked up as we rode along by ;
they showed no consciousness of our presence. And
they made no sound but one ; that was the dull and
awful clank of their chains from end to end of the long
file, as forty-three burdened feet rose and fell in unison.
The file moved in a cloud of its own making.
All these faces were gray with a coating of dust.
One has seen the like of this coating upon furniture
in unoccupied houses, and has written his idle thought
in it with his finger. I was reminded of this when I
noticed the faces of some of those women, young
mothers carrying babes that were near to death and
freedom, how a something in their hearts was written
in the dust upon their faces, plain to see, and lord how
plain to read ! for it was the track of tears. One of
these young mothers was but a girl, and it hurt me to
the heart to read that writing, and reflect that it was
come up out of the breast of such a child, a breast
that ought not to know trouble yet, but only the glad
ness of the morning of life ; and no doubt —
She reeled just then, giddy with fatigue, and down
came the lash and flicked a flake of skin from her
i8o
naked shoulder. It stung me as if I had been hit in
stead. The master halted the file and jumped from
his horse. He stormed and swore at this girl, and
said she had made annoyance enough with her lazi
ness, and as this was the last chance he should have,
he would settle the account now. She dropped on
her knees and put up her hands and began to beg
and cry and implore, in a passion of terror, but the
master gave no attention. He snatched the child
from her, and then made the men -slaves who were
chained before and behind her throw her on the
ground and hold her there and expose her body ; and
then he laid on with his lash like a madman till her
back was flayed, she shrieking and struggling the
while, piteously. One of the men who was holding
her turned away his face, and for this humanity he
was reviled and flogged.
All our pilgrims looked on and commented — on the
expert way in which the whip was handled. They
were too much hardened by lifelong every-day famil
iarity with slavery to notice that there was anything
else in the exhibition that invited comment. This
was what slavery could do, in the way of ossifying
what one may call the superior lobe of human feel
ing ; for these pilgrims were kind-hearted people, and
they would not have allowed that man to treat a
horse like that.
I wanted to stop the whole thing and set the slaves
free, but that would not do. I must not interfere too
much and get myself a name for riding over the coun
try's laws and the citizen's rights roughshod. If I
lived and prospered I would be the death of slavery,
that I was resolved upon ; but I would try to fix it
so that when I became its executioner it should be
by command of the nation.
Just here was the wayside shop of a smith; and
now arrived a landed proprietor who had bought this
girl a few miles back, deliverable here where her irons
could be taken off. They were removed ; then there
was a squabble between the gentleman and the dealer
as to which should pay the blacksmith. The moment
the girl was delivered from her irons, she flung her
self, all tears and frantic sobbings, into the arms of
the slave who had turned away his face when she was
whipped. He strained her to his breast, and smoth
ered her face and the child's with kisses, and washed
them with the rain of his tears. I suspected. I in
quired. Yes, I was right : it was husband and wife.
They had to be torn apart by force; the girl had to
be dragged away, and she struggled and fought and
shrieked like one gone mad till a turn of the road hid
her from sight ; and even after that, we could still
make out the fading plaint of those receding shrieks.
And the husband and father, with his wife and child
gone, never to be seen by him again in life ? — well, the
look of him one might not bear at all, and so I turned
away ; but I knew I should never get his picture out
of my mind again, and there it is to this day, to wring
my heartstrings whenever I think of it.
We put up at the inn in a village just at nightfall,
and when I rose next morning and looked abroad, I
was ware where a knight came riding in the golden
glory of the new day, and recognized him for knight
of mine — Sir Ozana le Cure Hardy. He was in the gen
tlemen's furnishing line, and his missionarying special
ty was plug hats. He was clothed all in steel, in the
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1 82
beautifulest armor of the time — up to where his hel
met ought to have been ; but he hadn't any helmet,
he wore a shiny stove-pipe hat, and was as ridiculous
a spectacle as one might want to see. It was another
of my surreptitious schemes for extinguishing knight
hood by making it grotesque and absurd. Sir Ozana's
saddle was hung about with leather hat -boxes, and
every time he overcame a wandering knight he swore
-him into my service and fitted him with a plug and
made him wear it. I dressed and ran down to wel
come Sir Ozana and get his news.
"How is trade?" I asked.
" Ye will note that I have but these four left ; yet
were they sixteen whenas I got me from Camelot."
" Why, you have certainly done nobly, Sir Ozana.
Where have you been foraging of late?"
" I am but now come from the Valley of Holiness,
please you sir."
" I am pointed for that place myself. Is there any
thing stirring in the monkery, more than common ?"
" By the mass ye may not question it ! ... Give
him good feed, boy, and stint it not, an thou valuest
thy crown ; so get ye lightly to the stable and do
even as I bid Sir, it is parlous news I bring,
and — be these pilgrims? Then ye may not do better,
good folk, than gather and hear the tale I have to
tell, sith it concerneth you, forasmuch as ye go to find
that ye will not find, and seek that ye will seek in
vain, my life being hostage for my word, and my
word and message being these, namely : That a hap
has happened whereof the like has not been seen no
more but once this two hundred years, which was the
first and last time that that said misfortune strake the
183
holy valley in that form by commandment of the
Most High whereto by reasons just and causes there
unto contributing, wherein the matter —
"The miraculous fount hath ceased to flow!" This
shout burst from twenty pilgrim mouths at once.
" Ye say well, good people. I was verging to it,
even when ye spake."
" Has somebody been washing again ?"
" Nay, it is suspected, but none believe it. It is
thought to be some other sin, but none wit what."
" How are they feeling about the calamity?"
" None may describe it in words. The fount is
these nine days dry. The prayers that did begin
then, and the lamentations in sackcloth and ashes,
and the holy processions, none of these have ceased
nor night nor day ; and so the monks and the nuns
and the foundlings be all exhausted, and do hang up
prayers writ upon parchment, sith that no strength
is left in man to lift up voice. And at last they sent
for thee, Sir Boss, to try magic and enchantment ;
and if you could not come, then was the messenger
to fetch Merlin, and he is there these three days,
now, and saith he will fetch that water though he
burst the globe and wreck its kingdoms to accomplish
it ; and right bravely doth he work his magic and call
upon his hellions to hie them hither and help, but not
a whiff of moisture hath he started yet, even so much
as might qualify as mist upon a copper mirror an ye
count not the barrel of sweat he sweateth betwixt sun
and sun over the dire labors of his task ; and if ye—
Breakfast was ready. As soon as it was over I
showed to Sir Ozana these words which I had writ
ten on the inside of his hat : " Chemical Department,
1 84
Laboratory extension, Section G. Pxxp. Send two of
first size, two of No. 3, and six of No. 4, together with
the proper complementary details— and two of my trained
assistants" And I said :
" Now get you to Camelot as fast as you can fly,
brave knight, and show the writing to Clarence, and
tell him to have these required matters in the Valley
of Holiness with all possible despatch."
" I will well, Sir Boss," and he was off.
CHAPTER XXII
THE HOLY FOUNTAIN
THE pilgrims were human beings. Otherwise they
would have acted differently. They had come a long
and difficult journey, and now when the journey was
nearly finished, and they learned that the main thing
they had come for had ceased to exist, they didn't do
as horses or cats or angle-worms would probably have
done — turn back and get at something profitable — no,
anxious as they had before been to see the miraculous
fountain, they were as much as forty times as anxious
now to see the place where it had used to be. There
is no accounting for human beings.
We made good time ; and a couple of hours before
sunset we stood upon the high confines of the Valley
of Holiness, and our eyes swept it from end to end
and noted its features. That is, its large features.
These were the three masses of buildings. They
were distant and isolated temporalities shrunken to
toy constructions in the lonely waste of what seemed
a desert — and was. Such a scene is always mourn
ful, it is so impressively still, and looks so steeped in
death. But there was a sound here which interrupt
ed the stillness only to add to its mournfulness ; this
was the faint far sound of tolling bells which floated
fitfully to us on the passing breeze, and so faintly, so
1 86
softly, that we hardly knew whether we heard it with
our ears or with our spirits.
We reached the monastery before dark, and there
the males were given lodging, but the women were
sent over to the nunnery. The bells were close at
hand, now, and their solemn booming smote upon the
ear like a message of doom. A superstitious despair
possessed the heart of every monk and published itself
in his ghastly face. Everywhere, these black-robed,
soft-sandled, tallow-visaged spectres appeared, flitted
about and disappeared, noiseless as the creatures of a
troubled dream, and as uncanny.
The old abbot's joy to see me was pathetic. Even
to tears ; but he did the shedding himself. He said :
" Delay not, son, but get to thy saving work. An
we bring not the water back again, and soon, we are
ruined, and the good work of two hundred years must
end. And see thou do it with enchantments that be
holy, for the Church will not endure that work in her
cause be done by devil's magic."
" When I work, Father, be sure there will be no
devil's work connected with it. I shall use no arts
that come of the devil, and no elements not created
by the hand of God. But is Merlin working strictly
on pious lines?"
" Ah, he said he would, my son, lie said he would,
and took oath to make his promise good."
" Well, in that case, let him proceed."
" But surely you will not sit idle by, but help ?"
" It will not answer to mix methods, Father; nei
ther would it be professional courtesy. Two of a
trade must not underbid each other. We might as
well cut rates and be done with it ; it would arrive at
that in the end. Merlin has the contract ; no other
magician can touch it till he throws it up."
" But I will take it from him ; it is a terrible emer
gency and the act is thereby justified. And if it were
not so, who will give law to the Church ? The
Church giveth law to all ; and what she wills to do,
that she may do, hurt whom it may. I will take it
from him ; you shall begin upon the moment."
" It may not be, Father. No doubt, as you say,
where power is supreme, one can do as one likes and
suffer no injury; but we poor magicians are not so sit
uated. Merlin is a very good magician in a small way,
and has quite a neat provincial reputation. He is strug
gling along, doing the best he can, and it would not
be etiquette for me to take his job until he himself
abandons it."
The abbot's face lighted.
" Ah, that is simple. There are ways to persuade
him to abandon it."
" No-no, Father, it skills not, as these people say. If
he were persuaded against his will, he would load that
well with a malicious enchantment which would balk
me until I found out its secret. It might take a month.
I could set up a little enchantment of mine which I
call the telephone, and he could not find out its se
cret in a hundred years. Yes, you perceive, he might
block me for a month. Would you like to risk a
month in a dry time like this?"
"A month! The mere thought of it maketh me
to shudder. Have it thy way, my son. But my heart
is heavy with this disappointment. Leave me, and
let me wear my spirit with weariness and waiting, even
as I have done these ten long days, counterfeiting
i88
thus the thing that is called rest, the prone body mak
ing outward sign of repose where inwardly is none."
Of course it would have been best, all round, for
Merlin to waive etiquette and quit and call it half a
day, since he would never be able to start that water,
for he was a true magician of the time : which is to
say, the big miracles, the ones that gave him his repu
tation, always had the luck to be performed when no
body but Merlin was present ; he couldn't start this
well with all this crowd around to see ; a crowd was
as bad for a magician's miracle in that day as it was
for a spiritualist's miracle in mine : there was sure to
be some skeptic on hand to turn up the gas at the
crucial moment and spoil everything. But I did not
want Merlin to retire from the job until I was ready
to take hold of it effectively myself ; and I could not
do that until I got my things from Camelot, and that
would take two or three days.
My presence gave the monks hope, and cheered
them up a good deal ; insomuch that they ate a
square meal that night for the first time in ten days.
As soon as their stomachs had been properly rein
forced with food, their 'spirits began to rise fast;
when the mead began to go round they rose faster.
By the time everybody was half-seas over, the holy
community was in good shape to make a night of it ;
so we stayed by the board and put it through on that
line. Matters got to be very jolly. Good old ques
tionable stories were told that made the tears run
down and cavernous mouths stand wide and the round
bellies shake with laughter ; and questionable songs
were bellowed out in a mighty chorus that drowned
the boom of the tolling bells.
THERE ARE WAYS TO PERSUADE HIM TO ABANDON IT
1 89
At last I ventured a story myself ; and vast was the
success of it. Not right off, of course, for the native
of those islands does not as a rule dissolve upon the
early applications of a humorous thing; but the fifth
time I told it, they began to crack, in places ; the
eighth time I told it, they began to crumble ; at the
twelfth repetition they fell apart in chunks ; and at
the fifteenth they disintegrated, and I got a broom
and swept them up. This language is figurative.
Those islanders — well, they are slow pay, at first, in
the matter of return for your investment of effort, but
in the end they make the pay of all other nations poor
and small by contrast.
I was at the well next day betimes. Merlin was
there, enchanting away like a beaver, but not raising
the moisture. He was not in a pleasant humor ; and
every time I hinted that perhaps this contract was a
shade too hefty for a novice he unlimbered his tongue
and cursed like a bishop — French bishop of the Re
gency days, I mean.
Matters were about as I expected to find them.
The " fountain " was an ordinary well, it had been dug
in the ordinary way, and stoned up in the ordinary
way. There was no miracle about it. Even the lie
that had created its reputation was not miraculous ; I
could have told it myself, with one hand tied behind
me. The well was in a dark chamber which stood in
the centre of a cut - stone chapel, whose walls were
hung with pious pictures of a workmanship that would
have made a chromo feel good ; pictures historically
commemorative of curative miracles which had been
achieved by the waters when nobody was looking.
That is, nobody but angels : they are always on deck
190
when there is a miracle to the fore — so as to get put
in the picture, perhaps. Angels are as fond of that as
a fire-company ; look at the old masters.
The well-chamber was dimly lighted by lamps ; the
water was drawn with a windlass and chain, by monks,
and poured into troughs which delivered it into stone
reservoirs outside, in the chapel — when there was water
to draw, I mean — and none but monks could enter
the well -chamber. I entered it, for I had temporary
authority to do so, by courtesy of my professional
brother and subordinate. But he hadn't entered it
himself. He did everything by incantations ; he nev
er worked his intellect. If he had stepped in there
and used his eyes, instead of his disordered mind, he
could have cured the well by natural means, and then
turned it into a miracle in the customary way ; but
no, he was an old numskull, a magician who believed
in his own magic ; and no magician can thrive who is
handicapped with a superstition like that.
I had an idea that the well had sprung a leak; that
some of the wall stones near the bottom had fallen
and exposed fissures that allowed the water to escape.
I measured the chain — 98 feet. Then I called in a
couple of monks, locked the door, took a candle, and
made them lower me in the bucket. When the chain
was all paid out, the candle confirmed my suspicion ;
a considerable section of the wall was gone, exposing
a good big fissure.
I almost regretted that my theory about the well's
trouble was correct, because I had another one that
had a showy point or two about it for a miracle. I
remembered that in America, many centuries later,
when an oil well ceased to flow, they used to blast it
out with a dynamite torpedo. If I should find this
well dry, and no explanation of it, I could astonish
these people most nobly by having a person of no
especial value drop a dynamite bomb into it. It was
my idea to appoint Merlin. However, it was plain
that there was no occasion for the bomb. One cannot
have everything the way he would like it. A man
has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway ; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
That is what I did. I said to myself, I am in no
hurry, I can wait ; that bomb will come good, yet.
And it did, too.
When I was above ground again, I turned out
the monks, and let down a fish -line: the well was
a hundred and fifty feet deep, and there was forty-
one feet of water in it ! I called in a monk and
asked :
"How deep is the well?"
" That, sir, I wit not, having never been told."
" How does the water usually stand in it?"
" Near to the top, these two centuries, as the testi
mony goeth, brought down to us through our prede
cessors."
It was true — as to recent times at least — for there
was witness to it, and better witness than a monk:
only about twenty or thirty feet of the chain showed
wear and use, the rest of it was unworn and rusty.
What had happened when the well gave out that other
time ? Without doubt some practical person had
come along and mended the leak, and then had come
up and told the abbot he had discovered by divi
nation that if the sinful bath were destroyed the well
would flow again. The leak had befallen again, now,
'92
and these children would have prayed, and proces
sioned, and tolled their bells for heavenly succor till
they all dried up and blew away, and no innocent of
them all would ever have thought to drop a fish-line
into the well or go down in it and find out what
was really the matter. Old habit of mind is one of
the toughest things to get away from in the world.
It transmits itself like physical form and feature ;
and for a man, in those days, to have had an idea
that his ancestors hadn't had, would have brought
him under suspicion of being illegitimate. I said to
the monk :
" It is a difficult miracle to restore water in a dry
well, but we will try, if my brother Merlin fails.
Brother Merlin is a very passable artist, but only in
the parlor- magic line, and he may not succeed; in
fact is not likely to succeed. But that should be
nothing to his discredit ; the man that can do this
kind of miracle knows enough to keep hotel."
" Hotel ? I mind not to have heard—
"Of hotel? It's what you call hostel. The man
that can do this miracle can keep hostel. I can do
this miracle ; I shall do this miracle ; yet I do not
try to conceal from you that it is a miracle to tax
the occult powers to the last strain."
" None knoweth that truth better than the brother
hood, indeed ; for it is of record that aforetime it was
parlous difficult and took a year. Natheless, God
send you good success, and to that end will we
pray."
As a matter of business it was a good idea to get
the notion around that the thing was difficult. Many
a small thing has been made large by the right kind
*93
of advertising. That monk was filled up with the diffi
culty of this enterprise ; he would fill up the others.
In two days the solicitude would be booming.
On my way home at noon, I met Sandy. She had
been sampling the hermits. I said :
" I would like to do that, myself. This is Wednes
day. Is there a matinee ?"
" A which, please you, sir?"
" Matinee. Do they keep open afternoons ?"
"Who?"
"The hermits, of course."
" Keep open ?"
" Yes, keep open. Isn't that plain enough ? Do
they knock off at noon ?"
"Knock off?"
"Knock off? — yes, knock off. What is the matter
with knock off? I never saw such a dunderhead:
can't you understand anything at all ? In plain terms,
do they shut up shop, draw the game, bank the
fires—"
" Shut up shop, draw — "
" There, never mind, let it go ; you make me tired.
You can't seem to understand the simplest thing."
" I would I might please thee, sir, and it is to me
dole and sorrow that I fail, albeit sith I am but a
simple damsel and taught of none, being from the
cradle unbaptized in those deep waters of learning
that do anoint with a sovereignty him that partaketh
of that most noble sacrament, investing him with
reverend state to the mental eye of the humble
mortal who, by bar and lack of that great consecra
tion seeth in his own unlearned estate but a symbol
of that other sort of lack and loss which men do
194
publish to the pitying eye with sackcloth trappings
whereon the ashes of grief do lie bepowdered and be
strewn, and so, when such shall in the darkness of his
mind encounter these golden phrases of high mystery,
these shut-up-shops, and draw-the-game, and bank-the-
fires, it is but by the grace of God that he burst not for
envy of the mind that can beget, and tongue that can
deliver so great and mellow-sounding miracles of
speech, and if there do ensue confusion in that hum
bler mind, and failure to divine the meanings of these
wonders, then if so be this miscomprehension is not
vain but sooth and true, wit ye well it is the very
substance of worshipful dear homage and may not
lightly be misprized, nor had been, an ye had noted
this complexion of my mood and mind and under
stood that that I would I could not, and that I could
not I might not, nor yet nor might nor could, nor
might -not nor could -not, might be by advantage
turned to the desired zvould, and so I pray you mercy
of my fault, and that ye will of your kindness and
your chanty forgive it, good my master and most
dear lord."
I couldn't make it all out — that is, the details —
but I got the general idea ; and enough of it, too, to
be ashamed. It was not fair to spring those nine
teenth century technicalities upon the untutored infant
of the sixth and then rail at her because she couldn't
get their drift ; and when she was making the honest
best drive at it she could, too, and no fault of hers
that she couldn't, fetch the home -plate; and so I
apologized. Then we meandered pleasantly away
toward the hermit-holes in sociable converse together,
and better friends than ever.
'95
I was gradually coming to have a mysterious and
shuddery reverence for this girl ; for now-a-days when
ever she pulled out from the station and got her train
fairly started on one of those horizonless transconti
nental sentences of hers, it was borne in upon me that
I was standing in the awful presence of the Mother
of the German Language. I was so impressed with
this, that sometimes when she began to empty one
of these sentences on me I unconsciously took the
very attitude of reverence, and stood uncovered ; and
if words had been water, I had been drowned, sure.
She had exactly the German way : whatever was in
her mind to be delivered, whether a mere remark, or
a sermon, or a cyclopedia, or the history of a war, she
would get it into a single sentence or die. Whenever
the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the
last you are going to see of him till he emerges on
the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his
mouth.
We drifted from hermit to hermit all the afternoon.
It was a most strange menagerie. The chief emula
tion among them seemed to be, to see which could
manage to be the uncleanest and most prosperous
with vermin. Their manner and attitudes were the
last expression of complacent self-righteousness. It
was one anchorite's pride to lie naked in the mud and
let the insects bite him and blister him unmolested ;
it was another's to lean against a rock, all day long,
conspicuous to the admiration of the throng of pil
grims, and pray ; it was another's to go naked, and
crawl around on all fours ; it was another's to drag
about with him, year in and year out, eighty pounds
of iron ; it was another's to never lie down when he
196
slept, but to stand among the thorn-bushes and snore
when there were pilgrims around to look ; a woman,
who had the white hair of age, and no other apparel,
was black from crown to heel with forty-seven years
of holy abstinence from water. Groups of gazing
pilgrims stood around all and every of these strange
objects, lost in reverent wonder, and envious of the
fleckless sanctity which these pious austerities had
won for them from an exacting heaven.
By-and-by we went to see one of the supremely
great ones. He was a mighty celebrity; his fame
had penetrated all Christendom ; the noble and the
renowned journeyed from the remotest lands on the
globe to pay him reverence. His stand was in the
centre of the widest part of the valley ; and it took
all that space to hold his crowds.
His stand was a pillar sixty feet high, with a broad
platform on the top of it. He was now doing what
he had been doing every day for twenty years up
there — bowing his body ceaselessly and rapidly al
most to his feet. It was his way of praying. I timed
him with a stop-watch, and he made 1244 revolutions
in 24 minutes and 46 seconds. It seemed a pity to
have all this power going to waste. It was one of
the most useful motions in mechanics, the pedal-move
ment ; so I made a note in my memorandum-book,
purposing some day to apply a system of elastic
cords to him and run a sewing-machine with it. I
afterwards carried out that scheme, and got five years'
good service out of him; in which time he turned
out upwards of eighteen thousand first-rate tow-linen
shirts, which was ten a day. I worked him Sundays
and all ; he was going, Sundays, the same as week-
197
days, and it was no use to waste the power. These
shirts cost me nothing but just the mere trifle for the
materials — I furnished those myself, it would not have
been right to make him do that — and they sold like
smoke to pilgrims at a dollar and a half apiece, which
was the price of fifty cows or a blooded race-horse in
Arthurdom. They were regarded as a perfect pro
tection against sin, and advertised as such by my
knights everywhere, with the paint-pot and stencil-
plate; insomuch that there was not a cliff or a bowl
der or a dead-wall in England but you could read on
it at a mile distance :
" Buy the only genuine St. Stylite ; patronized by
the Nobility. Patent applied for"
There was more money in the business than one
knew what to do with. As it extended, I brought
out a line of goods suitable for kings, and a nobby
thing for duchesses and that sort, with ruffles down
the fore-hatch and the running-gear clewed up with
a feather-stitch to leeward and then hauled aft with
a back-stay and triced up with a half-turn in the stand
ing rigging forward of the weather-gaskets. Yes, it
was a daisy.
But about that time I noticed that the motive
power had taken to standing on one leg, and I found
that there was something the matter with the other
one; so I stocked the business and unloaded, tak
ing Sir Bors de Ganis into camp financially along
with certain of his friends: for the works stopped
within a year, and the good saint got him to his
rest. But he had earned it. I can say that for
him.
When I saw him that first time — however, his per-
198
sonal condition will not quite bear description here.
You can read it in the Lives of the Saints.*
* All the details concerning the hermits, in this chapter, are
from Lecky— but greatly modified. This book not being a
history but only a tale, the majority of the historian's frank
details were too strong for reproduction in it.— EDITOR.
CHAPTER XXIII
RESTORATION OF THE FOUNTAIN
SATURDAY noon I went to the well and looked on
a while. Merlin was still burning smoke-powders, and*
pawing the air, and muttering gibberish as hard as
ever, but looking pretty down-hearted, for of course
he had not started even a perspiration in that well
yet. Finally I said :
" How does the thing promise by this time, part
ner ?"
" Behold, I am even now busied with trial of the
powerfulest enchantment known to the princes of the
occult arts in the lands of the East ; an it fail me,
naught can avail. Peace, until I finish."
He raised a smoke this time that darkened all the
region, and must have made matters uncomfortable
for the hermits, for the wind was their way, and it
rolled down over their dens in a dense and billowy
fog. He poured out volumes of speech to match, and
contorted his body and sawed the air with his hands
in a most extraordinary way. At the end of twenty
minutes he dropped down panting, and about ex
hausted. Now arrived the abbot and several hundred
monks and nuns, and behind them a multitude of
pilgrims and a couple of acres of foundlings, all drawn
by the prodigious smoke, and all in a grand state of
200
excitement. The abbot inquired anxiously for results.
Merlin said:
" If any labor of mortal might break the spell that
binds these waters, this which I have but just essayed
had done it. It has failed ; whereby I do now know
that that which I had feared is a truth established :
the sign of this failure is, that the most potent spirit
known to the magicians of the East, and whose name
none may utter and live, has laid his spell upon this
well. The mortal does not breathe, nor ever will, who
can penetrate the secret of that spell, and without
that secret none can break it. The water will flow no
more forever, good Father. I have done what man
could. Suffer me to go."
Of course this threw the abbot into a good deal of
a consternation. He turned to me with the signs of
it in his face, and said :
" Ye have heard him. Is it true ?"
" Part of it is."
" Not all, then, not all ! What part is true ?"
" That that spirit with the Russian name has put
his spell upon the well."
" God's wownds, then are we ruined !"
" Possibly."
" But not certainly ? Ye mean, not certainly ?"
" That is it."
" Wherefore, ye also mean that when he saith none
can break the spell — "
" Yes, when he says that, he says what isn't neces
sarily true. There are conditions under which an
effort to break it may have some chance — that is,
some small, some trifling chance — of success."
" The conditions—"
201
" Oh, they are nothing difficult. Only these : I
want the well and the surroundings for the space of
half a mile, entirely to myself from sunset to-day until
I remove the ban — and nobody allowed to cross the
ground but by my authority."
" Are these all ?"
" Yes."
" And you have no fear to try ?"
" Oh, none. One may fail, of course ; and one may
also succeed. One can try, and I am ready to chance
it. I have my conditions ?"
" These and all others ye may name. I will issue
commandment to that effect."
"Wait," said Merlin, with an evil smile. " Ye wit
that he that would break this spell must know that
spirit's name ?"
" Yes, I know his name."
" And wit you also that to know it skills not of it
self, but ye must likewise pronounce it ? Ha-ha !
Knew ye that ?"
" Yes, I knew that, too."
" You had that knowledge ! Art a fool ? Are ye
minded to utter that name and die ?"
" Utter it ? Why certainly. I would utter it if it
was Welsh."
" Ye are even a dead man, then ; and I go to tell
Arthur."
" That's all right. Take your gripsack and get
along. The thing for you to do is to go home and
work the weather, John W. Merlin."
It was a home shot, and it made him wince ; for he
was the worst weather-failure in the kingdom. When
ever he ordered up the danger-signals along the coast
202
there was a week's dead calm, sure, and every time he
prophesied fair weather it rained brick-bats. But I
kept him in the weather bureau right along, to under
mine his reputation. However, that shot raised his
bile, and instead of starting home to report my death,
he said he would remain and enjoy it.
My two experts arrived in the evening, and pretty
well fagged, for they had travelled double tides. They
had pack-mules along, and had brought everything
I needed — tools, pump, lead-pipe, Greek-fire, sheaves
of big rockets, roman-candles, colored-fire sprays, elec
tric apparatus, and a lot of sundries — everything nec
essary for the stateliest kind of a miracle. They got
their supper and a nap, and about midnight we sallied
out through a solitude so wholly vacant and complete
that it quite overpassed the required conditions. We
took possession of the well and its surroundings. My
boys were experts in all sorts of things, from the ston
ing up of a well to the constructing of a mathematical
instrument. An hour before sunrise we had that leak
mended in ship-shape fashion, and the water began to
rise. Then we stowed our fireworks in the chapel,
locked up the place, and went home to bed.
Before the noon mass was over, we were at the well
again ; for there was a deal to do, yet, and I was de
termined to spring the miracle before midnight, for
business reasons : for whereas a miracle worked for
the Church on a week-day is worth a good deal, it is
worth six times as much if you get it in on a Sunday.
In nine hours the water had risen to its customary
level ; that is to say, it was within twenty-three feet
of the top. We put in a little iron pump, one of the
first turned out by my works near the capital; we
203
bored into a stone reservoir which stood against the
outer wall of the well-chamber and inserted a section
of lead pipe that was long enough to reach to the
door of the chapel and project beyond the threshold,
where the gushing water would be visible to the two
hundred and fifty acres of people I was intending
should be present on the flat plain in front of this
little holy hillock at the proper time.
We knocked the head out of an empty hogshead
and hoisted this hogshead to the flat roof of the
chapel, where we clamped it down fast, poured in
gunpowder till it lay loosely an inch deep on the
bottom, then we stood up rockets in the hogshead
as thick as they could loosely stand, all the different
breeds of rockets there are ; and they made a portly
and imposing sheaf, I can tell you. We grounded
the wire of a pocket electrical battery in that powder,
we placed a whole magazine of Greek-fire on each
corner of the roof — blue on one corner, green on
another, red on another, and purple on the last — and
grounded a wire in each.
About two hundred yards off, in the flat, we built a
pen of scantlings, about four feet high, and laid planks
on it, and so made a platform. We covered it with
swell tapestries borrowed for the occasion, and topped
it off with the abbot's own throne. When you are
going to do a miracle for an ignorant race, you want
to get in every detail that will count ; you want to
make all the properties impressive to the public eye ;
you want to make matters comfortable for your head
guest ; then you can turn yourself loose and play your
effects for all they are worth. I know the value of
these things, for I know human nature. You can't
204
throw too much style into a miracle. It costs trouble,
and work, and sometimes money ; but it pays in the
end. Well, we brought the wires to the ground at the
chapel, and then brought them under the ground to
the platform, and hid the batteries there. We put a
rope fence a hundred feet square around the platform
to keep off the common multitude, and that finished
the work. My idea was, doors open at 10.30, per
formance to begin at 11.25 sharp. I wished I could
charge admission, but of course that wouldn't answer.
I instructed my boys to be in the chapel as early as
10, before anybody was around, and be ready to
man the pumps at the proper time, and make the fur
fly. Then we went home to supper.
The news of the disaster to the well had travelled
far, by this time ; and now for two or three days a
steady avalanche of people had been pouring into the
valley. The lower end of the valley was become one
huge camp ; we should have a good house, no ques
tion about that. Criers went the rounds early in the
evening and announced the coming attempt, which
put every pulse up to fever-heat. They gave notice
that the abbot and his official suite would move in
state and occupy the platform at 10.30, up to which
time all the region which was under my ban must be
clear; the bells would then cease from tolling, and
this sign should be permission to the multitudes to
close in and take their places.
I was at the platform and all ready to do the honors
when the abbot's solemn procession hove in sight —
which it did not do till it was nearly to the rope
fence, because it was a starless black night and no
torches permitted. With it came Merlin, and took a
20$
front seat on the platform ; he was as good as his
word, for once. One could not see the multitudes
banked together beyond the ban, but they were there,
just the same. The moment the bells stopped, those
banked masses broke and poured over the line like a
vast black wave, and for as much as a half-hour it con
tinued to flow, and then it solidified itself, and you
could have walked upon a pavement of human heads
to — well, miles.
We had a solemn stage-wait, now, for about twenty
minutes — a thing I had counted on for effect ; it is
always good to let your audience have a chance to
work up its expectancy. At length, out of the silence
a noble Latin chant — men's voices — broke and swelled
up and rolled away into the night, a majestic tide of
melody. I had put that up, too, and it was one of
the best effects I ever invented. When it was finished
I stood up on the platform and extended my hands
abroad, for two minutes, with my face uplifted — that
always produces a dead hush — and then slowly pro
nounced this ghastly word with a kind of awfulness
which caused hundreds to tremble, and many women
to faint:
4<eon$tantinopolitani$chcr4udcl$ack$pfciTcnmachcrsgc$ellschafft!"
Just as I was moaning out the closing hunks of
that word, I touched off one of my electric connec
tions, and all that murky world of people stood re
vealed in a hideous blue glare! It was immense —
that effect ! Lots of people shrieked, women curled
up and quit in every direction, foundlings collapsed
by platoons. The abbot and the monks crossed
themselves nimbly and their lips fluttered with agi-
206
tated prayers. Merlin held his grip, but he was aston
ished clear down to his corns ; he had never seen any
thing to begin with that, before. Now was the time
to pile in the effects. I lifted my hands and groaned
out this word — as it were in agony —
— and turned on the red fire ! You should have heard
that Atlantic of people moan and howl when that
crimson hell joined the blue ! After sixty seconds I
shouted —
"Cransvadltruppentripcntransporttrattipeltbier-
— and lit up the green fire ! After waiting only forty
seconds, this time, I spread my arms abroad and thun
dered out the devastating syllables of this word of
words —
" IHekKaKiu$e!mannenma$$enmcn=
cbenmoerdermobrenmuttermarmorttio*
numcntcnmacbcrr
— and whirled on the purple glare ! There they were,
all going at once, red, blue, green, purple ! — four furious
volcanoes pouring vast clouds of radiant smoke aloft,
and spreading a blinding rainbowed noonday to the
furthest confines of that valley. In the distance one
could see that fellow on the pillar standing rigid
against the background of sky, his seesaw stopped
for the first time in twenty years. I knew the boys
207
were at the pump, now, and ready. So I said to the
abbot :
" The time is come, Father. I am about to pro
nounce the dread name and command the spell to
dissolve. You want to brace up, and take hold of
something." Then I shouted to the people : " Behold,
in another minute the spell will be broken, or no
mortal can break it. If it break, all will know it, for
you will see the sacred water gush from the chapel
door!"
I stood a few moments, to let the hearers have a
chance to spread my announcement to those who
couldn't hear, and so convey it to the furthest ranks,
then I made a grand exhibition of extra posturing
and gesturing, and shouted :
" Lo, I command the fell spirit that possesses the holy
fountain to now disgorge into the skies all the infernal
fires that still remain in him, and straightway dissolve
his spell and flee hence to the pit, there to lie bound
a thousand years. By his own dread name I com
mand it— BGWJJILLIGKKK!"
Then I touched off the hogshead of rockets, and a
vast fountain of dazzling lances of fire vomited itself
toward the zenith with a hissing rush, and burst in
mid-sky into a storm of flashing jewels ! One mighty
groan of terror started up from the massed people-
then suddenly broke into a wild hosannah of joy —
for there, fair and plain in the uncanny glare, they
saw the freed water leaping forth ! The old abbot
could not speak a word, for tears and the chokings
in his throat ; without utterance of any sort, he folded
me in his arms and mashed me. It was more elo
quent than speech. And harder to get over, too, in
208
a country where there were really no doctors that
were worth a damaged nickel.
You should have seen those acres of people throw
themselves down in that water and kiss it ; kiss it,
and pet it, and fondle it, and talk to it as if it were
alive, and welcome it back with the dear names they
gave their darlings, just as if it had been a friend who
was long gone away and lost, and was come home
again. Yes, it was pretty to see, and made me think
more of them than I had done before.
I sent Merlin home on a shutter. He had caved
in and gone down like a landslide when I pronounced
that fearful name, and had never come to since. He
never had heard that name before, — neither had I —
but to him it was the right one; any jumble would
have been the right one. He admitted, afterward,
that that spirit's own mother could not have pro
nounced that name better than I did. He never
could understand how I survived it, and I didn't tell
him. It is only young magicians that give away a
secret like that. Merlin spent three months working
enchantments to try to find out the deep trick of
how to pronounce that name and outlive it. But he
didn't arrive.
When I started to the chapel, the populace un
covered and fell back reverently to make a wide way
for me, as if I had been some kind of a superior
being — and I was. I was aware of that. I took along
a night-shift of monks, and taught them the mystery
of the pump, and set them to work, for it was plain
that a good part of the people out there were going
to sit up with the water all night, consequently it was
but right that they should have all they wanted of
209
it. To those monks that pump was a good deal of
a miracle itself, and they were full of wonder over it;
and of admiration, too, of the exceeding effectiveness
of its performance.
It was a great night, an immense night. There
was reputation in it. I could hardly get to sleep for
glorying over it.
CHAPTER XXIV
A RIVAL MAGICIAN
MY influence in the Valley of Holiness was some
thing prodigious now. It seemed worth while to try
to turn it to some valuable account. The thought
came to me the next morning, and was suggested by
my seeing one of my knights who was in the soap
line come riding in. According to history, the monks
of this place two centuries before, had been worldly
minded enough to want to wash. It might be that
there was a leaven of this unrighteousness still remain
ing. So I sounded a Brother:
" Wouldn't you like a bath ?"
He shuddered at the thought — the thought of the
peril of it to the well — but he said with feeling —
" One needs not to ask that of a poor body who has
not known that blessed refreshment sith that he was a
boy. Would God I might wash me ! but it may not
be, fair sir, tempt me not ; it is forbidden."
And then he sighed in such a sorrowful way that I
was resolved he should have at least one layer of his
real estate removed, if it sized up my whole influ
ence and bankrupted the pile. So I went to the
abbot and asked for a permit for this Brother. He
blenched at the idea — I don't mean that you could
see him blench, for of course you couldn't see it with-
211
out you scraped him, and I didn't care enough about
it to scrape him, but I knew the blench was there, just
the same, and within a book-cover's thickness of the
surface, too — blenched, and trembled. He said :
" Ah, son, ask aught else thou wilt, and it is thine,
and freely granted out of a grateful heart — but this,
oh, this ! Would you drive away the blessed water
again ?"
" No, Father, I will not drive it away. I have mys
terious knowledge which teaches me that there was
an error that other time when it was thought the insti
tution of the bath banished the fountain." A large
interest began to show up in the old man's face. " My
knowledge informs me that the bath was innocent of
that misfortune, which was caused by quite another
sort of sin."
" These are brave words — but — but right welcome,
if they be true."
" They are true, indeed. Let me build the bath
again, Father. Let me build it again, and the foun
tain shall flow forever."
"You promise this? — you promise it? Say the
word — say you promise it !"
" I do promise it."
"Then will I have the first bath myself! Go— get
ye to your work. Tarry not, tarry not, but go."
I and my boys were at work, straight off. The
ruins of the old bath were there yet, in the basement
of the monastery, not a stone missing. They had been
left just so, all these lifetimes, and avoided with a
pious fear, as things accursed. In two days we had it
all done and the water in — a spacious pool of clear
pure water that a body could swim in. It was run-
212
ning water, too. It came in, and went out, through
the ancient pipes. The old abbot kept his word, and
was the first to try it. He went down black and shaky,
leaving the whole black community above troubled
and worried and full of bodings ; but he came back
white and joyful, and the game was made ! another
triumph scored.
It was a good campaign that we made in that Val
ley of Holiness, and I was very well satisfied, and
ready to move on, -now, but I struck a disappoint
ment. I caught a heavy cold, and it started up an
old lurking rheumatism of mine. Of course the rheu
matism hunted up my weakest place and located itself
there. This was the place where the abbot put his
arms about me and mashed me, what time he was
moved to testify his gratitude to me with an embrace.
When at last I got out, I was a shadow. But ev
erybody was full of attentions and kindnesses, and
these brought cheer back into my life, and were the
right medicine to help a convalescent swiftly up tow
ard health and strength again ; so I gained fast.
Sandy was worn out with nursing, so I made up
my mind to turn out and go a cruise alone, leaving
her at the nunnery to rest up. My idea was to dis
guise myself as a freeman of peasant degree and wan
der through the country a week or two on foot. This
would give me a chance to eat and lodge with the
lowliest and poorest class of free citizens on equal
terms. There was no other way to inform myself
perfectly of their every-day life and the operation of
the laws upon it. If I went among them as a gentle
man, there would be restraints and conventionalities
which would shut me out from their private joys and
213
troubles, and I should get no further than the outside
shell.
One morning I was out on a long walk to get up
muscle for my trip, and had climbed the ridge which
bordered the northern extremity of the valley, when I
came upon an artificial opening in the face of a low
precipice, and recognized it by its location as a hermit
age which had often been pointed out to me from a
distance as the den of a hermit of high renown for dirt
and austerity. I knew he had lately been offered a
situation in the Great Sahara, where lions and sand-
flies made the hermit-life peculiarly attractive and dif
ficult, and had gone to Africa to take possession, so I
thought I would look in and see how the atmosphere
of this den agreed with its reputation.
My surprise was great : the place was newly swept
and scoured. Then there was another surprise. Back
in the gloom of the cavern I heard the clink of a little
bell, and then this exclamation:
" Hello, Central ! Is this you, Camclot ? —Behold,
thou mayst glad thy heart an thou hast faith to be
lieve the wonderful when that it cometh in unexpect
ed guise and maketh itself manifest in impossible
places — here standeth in the flesh his mightiness The
Boss, and with thine own ears shall ye hear him speak !"
Now what a radical reversal of things this was; what
a jumbling together of extravagant incongruities ;
what a fantastic conjunction of opposites and irrecon-
cilables — the home of the bogus miracle become the
home of a real one, the den of a mediaeval hermit
turned into a telephone office !
The telephone clerk stepped into the light, and I
recognized one of my young fellows. I said :
is CY
214
" How long has this office been established here,
Ulfius?"
" But since midnight, fair Sir Boss, an it please you.
We saw many lights in the valley, and so judged it
well to make a station, for that where so many lights
be needs must they indicate a town of goodly size."
"Quite right. It isn't a town in the customary
sense, but it's a good stand, anyway. Do you know
where you are?"
" Of that I have had no time to make inquiry ; for
whenas my comradeship moved hence upon their la
bors, leaving me in charge, I got me to needed rest,
purposing to inquire when I waked, and report the
place's name to Camelot for record."
" Well, this is the Valley of Holiness."
It didn't take ; I mean, he didn't start at the name,
as I had supposed he would. He merely said —
" I will so report it."
" Why, the surrounding regions are filled with the
noise of late wonders that have happened here ! You
didn't hear of them ?"
" Ah, ye will remember we move by night, and
avoid speech with all. We learn naught but that we
get by the telephone from Camelot."
" Why they know all about this thing. Haven't
they told you anything about the great miracle of the
restoration of a holy fountain?"
" Oh, that ? Indeed yes. But the name of this val
ley doth woundily differ from the name of that one ;
indeed to differ wider were not pos — "
11 What was that name, then ?"
"The Valley of Hellishness."
" That explains it. Confound a telephone, anyway.
It is the very demon for conveying similarities of
sound that are miracles of divergence from similarity
of sense. But no matter, you know the name of the
place now. Call up Camelot."
He did it, and had Clarence sent for. It was good
to hear my boy's voice again. It was like being home.
After some affectionate interchanges, and some ac
count of my late illness, I said :
"What is new?"
" The king and queen and many of the court do
start even in this hour, to go to your Valley to pay
pious homage to the waters ye have restored, and
cleanse themselves of sin, and see the place where the
infernal spirit spouted true hell-flames to the clouds —
an ye listen sharply ye may hear me wink and hear
me likewise smile a smile, sith 'twas I that made se
lection of those flames from out our stock and sent
them by your order."
" Does the king know the way to this place?"
"The king? — no, nor to any other in his realms,
mayhap ; but the lads that holp you with your
miracle will be his guide and lead the way, and ap
point the places for rests at noons and sleeps at
night."
" This will bring them here — when?"
" Mid-afternoon, or later, the third day."
" Anything else in the way of news?"
" The king hath begun the raising of the standing
army ye suggested to him ; one regiment is complete
and officered."
" The mischief ! I wanted a main hand in that, my
self. There is only one body of men in the kingdom
that are fitted to officer a regular army."
216
" Yes — and now ye will marvel to know there's not
so much as one West Pointer in that regiment."
" What are you talking about ? Are you in ear
nest ?"
" It is truly as I have said."
" Why, this makes me uneasy. Who were chosen,
and what was the method ? Competitive examina
tion ?"
" Indeed I know naught of the method. I but
know this — these officers be all of noble family, and
are born — what is it you call it ? — chuckleheads."
" There's something wrong, Clarence."
" Comfort yourself, then ; for two candidates for a
lieutenancy do travel hence with the king — young no
bles both — and if you but wait where you are you
will hear them questioned."
" That is news to the purpose. I will get one West
Pointer in, anyway. Mount a man and send him to
that school with a message ; let him kill horses, if nec
essary, but he must be there before sunset to-night
and say — "
"There is no need. I have laid a ground wire to
the school. Prithee let me connect you with it."
It sounded good ! In this atmosphere of telephones
and lightning communication with distant regions, I
was breathing the breath of life again after long suffo
cation. I realized, then, what a creepy, dull, inani
mate horror this land had been to me all these years,
and how I had been in such a stifled condition of
mind as to have grown used to it almost beyond the
power to notice it.
I gave my order to the superintendent of the Acad
emy personally. I also asked him to bring me some
217
paper and a fountain pen and a box or so of safety
matches. I was getting tired of doing without these
conveniences. I could have them, now, as I wasn't
going to wear armor any more at present, and there
fore could get at my pockets.
When I got back to the monastery, I found a thing
of interest going on. The abbot and his monks were
assembled in the great hall, observing with childish
wonder and faith the performances of a new magician,
a fresh arrival. His dress was the extreme of the fan
tastic ; as showy and foolish as the sort of thing an
Indian medicine -man wears. He was mowing, and
mumbling, and gesticulating, and drawing mystical
figures in the air and on the floor, — the regular thing,
you know. He was a celebrity from Asia — so he said,
and that was enough. That sort of evidence was as
good as gold, and passed current everywhere.
How easy and cheap it was to be a great magician
on this fellow's terms. His specialty was to tell you
what any individual on the face of the globe was do
ing at the moment ; and what he had done at any
time in the past, and what he would do at any time in
the future. He asked if any would like to know what
the Emperor of the East was doing now ? The spar
kling eyes and the delighted rubbing of hands made
eloquent answer — this reverend crowd would like to
know what that monarch was at, just at this moment.
The fraud went through some more mummery, and
then made grave announcement :
" The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth
at this moment put money in the palm of a holy beg
ging friar — one, two, three pieces, and they be all of
silver."
218
A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, all
around :
11 It is marvellous !" " Wonderful !" " What study,
what labor, to have acquired a so amazing power as
this!"
Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord
of Inde was doing? Yes. He told them what the
Supreme Lord of Inde was doing. Then he told them
them what the Sultan of Egypt was at ; also what the
King of the Remote Seas was about. And so on and
so on ; and with each new marvel the astonishment at
his accuracy rose higher and higher. They thought
he must surely strike an uncertain place sometime ;
but no, he never had to hesitate, he always knew, and
always with unerring precision. I saw that if this
thing went on I should lose my supremacy, this fel
low would capture my following, I should be left out
in the cold. I must put a cog in his wheel, and do it
right away, too. I said :
" If I might ask, I should very greatly like to know
what a certain person is doing."
," Speak, and freely. I will tell you."
" It will be difficult — perhaps impossible."
" My art knoweth not that word. The more dif
ficult it is, the more certainly will I reveal it to
you."
You see, I was working up the interest. It was
getting pretty high, too ; you could see that by the
craning necks all around, and the half -suspended
breathing. So now I climaxed it :
"If you make no mistake — if you tell me truly
what I want to know — I will give you two hundred
silver pennies."
219
" The fortune is mine ! I will tell you what you
would know."
" Then tell me what I am doing with my right
hand."
" Ah-h !" There was a general gasp of surprise. It
had not occurred to anybody in the crowd — that sim
ple trick of inquiring about somebody who wasn't ten
thousand miles away. The magician was hit hard ; it
was an emergency that had never happened in his ex
perience before, and it corked him ; he didn't know
how to meet it. He looked stunned, confused ; he
couldn't say a word. "Come," I said, " what are you
waiting for? Is it possible you can answer up, right
off, and tell what anybody on the other side of the
earth is doing, and yet can't tell what a person is
doing who isn't three yards from you ? Persons
behind me know what I am doing with my right
hand — they will indorse you if you tell correctly."
He was still dumb. " Very well, I'll tell you why you
don't speak up and tell ; it is because you don't know.
You a magician ! Good friends, this tramp is a mere
fraud and liar."
This distressed the monks and terrified them. They
were not used to hearing these awful beings called
names, and they did not know what might be the con
sequence. There was a dead silence, now ; supersti
tious bodings were in every mind. The magician
began to pull his wits together, and when he presently
smiled an easy, nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty
relief around ; for it indicated that his mood was not
destructive. He said:
" It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of this
person's speech. Let all know, if perchance there be
220
any who know it not, that enchanters of my degree
deign not to concern themselves with the doings of
any but Kings, Princes, Emperors, them that be born
in the purple and them only. Had ye asked me
what Arthur the great king is doing, it were another
matter, and I had told ye ; but the doings of a subject
interest me not."
"Oh, I misunderstood you. I thought you said
1 anybody,' and so I supposed ' anybody ' included —
well, anybody ; that is, everybody."
" It doth— anybody that is of lofty birth ; and the
better if he be royal."
"That, it meseemeth, might well be," said the
abbot, who saw his opportunity to smooth things and
avert disaster, " for it were not likely that so wonder
ful a gift as this would be conferred for the revela
tion of the concerns of lesser beings than such as be
born near to the summits of greatness. Our Arthur
the king—"
" Would you know of him ?" broke in the enchanter.
" Most gladly, yea, and gratefully."
Everybody was full of awe and interest again, right
away, the incorrigible idiots. They watched the in
cantations absorbingly, and looked at me with a
"There, now, what can you say to that?" air, when
the announcement came:
" The king is weary with the chase, and lieth in his
palace these two hours sleeping a dreamless sleep."
" God's benison upon him !" said the abbot, and
crossed himself; "may that sleep be to the refresh
ment of his body and his soul."
" And so it might be, if he were sleeping," I said,
" but the king is not sleeping, the king rides."
221
Here was trouble again — a conflict of authority.
Nobody knew which of us to believe ; I still had some
reputation left. The magician's scorn was stirred, and
he said :
" Lo, I have seen many wonderful soothsayers and
prophets and magicians in my life-days, but none before
that could sit idle and see to the heart of things with
never an incantation to help."
" You have lived in the woods, and lost much by
it. I use incantations myself, as this good broth
erhood are aware — but only on occasions of mo
ment."
When it comes to sarcasaming, I reckon I know
how to keep my end up. That jab made this fellow
squirm. The abbot inquired after the queen and the
court, and got this information :
" They be all on sleep, being overcome by fatigue,
like as to the king."
I said :
" That is merely another lie. Half of them are
about their amusements, the queen and the other half
are not sleeping, they ride. Now perhaps you can
spread yourself a little, and tell us where the king
and queen and all that are this moment riding with
them are going?"
" They sleep now, as I said ; but on the morrow
they will ride, for they go a journey toward the sea."
" And where will they be the day after to-morrow
at vespers ?"
" Far to the north of Camelot, and half their
journey will be done."
" That is another lie, by the space of a hundred
and fifty miles. Their journey will not be merely
222
half done, it will be all done, and they will be here, in
this valley."
That was a noble shot! It set the abbot and the
monks in a whirl of excitement, and it rocked the
enchanter to his base. I followed the thing right up :
" If the king does not arrive, I will have myself
ridden on a rail ; if he does I will ride you on a rail
instead."
Next day I went up to the telephone office and
found that the king had passed through two towns that
were on the line. I spotted his progress on the suc
ceeding day in the same way. I kept these matters
to myself. The third day's reports showed that if
he kept up his gait he would arrive by four in the
afternoon. There was still no sign anywhere of inter
est in his coming ; there seemed to be no prepara
tions making to receive him in state; a strange thing,
truly. Only one thing could explain this : that other
magician had been cutting under me, sure. This was
true. I asked a friend of mine, a monk, about it,
and he said, yes, the magician had tried some further
enchantments and found out that the court had con
cluded to make no journey at all, but stay at home.
Think of that ! Observe how much a reputation was
worth in such a country. These people had seen me
do the very showiest bit of magic in history, and the
only one within their memory that had a positive
value, and yet here they were, ready to take up with
an adventurer who could offer no evidence of his
powers but his mere unproven word.
However, it was not good politics to let the king
come without any fuss and feathers at all, so I went
down and drummed up a procession of pilgrims and
223
smoked out a batch of hermits and started them out
at two o'clock to meet him. And that was the sort
of state he arrived in. The abbot was helpless with
rage and humiliation when I brought him out on a
balcony and showed him the head of the state march
ing in and never a monk on hand to offer him wel
come, and no stir of life or clang of joy-bell to glad
his spirit. He took one look and then flew to rouse
out his forces. The next minute the bells were din
ning furiously, and the various buildings were vomit
ing monks and nuns, who went swarming in a rush
toward the coming procession; and with them went
that magician — and he was on a rail, too, by the ab
bot's order ; and his reputation was in the mud, and
mine was in the sky again. Yes, a man can keep his
trade-mark current in such a country, but he can't sit
around and do it , he has got to be on deck and at
tending to business, right along.
CHAPTER XXV
A COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION
WHEN the king travelled for change of air, or
made a progress, or visited a distant noble whom he
wished to bankrupt with the cost of his keep, part of
the administration moved with him. It was a fashion
of the time. The Commission charged with the ex
amination of candidates for posts in the army came
with the king to the Valley, whereas they could have
transacted their business just as well at home. And
although this expedition was strictly a holiday excur
sion for the king, he kept some of his business func
tions going, just the same. He touched for the evil,
as usual ; he held court in the gate at sunrise and tried
cases, for he was himself Chief Justice of the King's
Bench.
He shone very well in this latter office. He was a
wise and humane judge, and he clearly did his honest
best and fairest, — according to his lights. That is a
large reservation. His lights — I mean his rearing —
often colored his decisions. Whenever there was a
dispute between a noble or gentleman and a person
of lower degree, the king's leanings and sympathies
were for the former class always, whether he suspected
it or not. It was impossible that this should be other
wise. The blunting effects of slavery upon the slave-
225
holder's moral perceptions are known and conceded,
the world over ; and a privileged class, an aristocracy,
is but a band of slaveholders under another name.
This has a harsh sound, and yet should not be offen
sive to any — even to the noble himself — unless the
fact itself be an offence : for the statement simply for
mulates a fact. The repulsive feature of slavery is
the tiling, not its name. One needs but to hear an
aristocrat speak of the classes that are below him to
recognize — and in but indifferently modified measure
— the very air and tone of the actual slaveholder ;
and behind these are the slaveholder's spirit, the
slaveholder's blunted feeling. They are the result of,
the same cause in both cases : the possessor's old and
inbred custom of regarding himself as a superior being.
The king's judgments wrought frequent injustices,
but it was merely the fault of his training, his natural
and unalterable sympathies. He was as unfitted for
a judgeship as would be the average mother for the
position of milk -distributor to starving children in
famine-time ; her own children would fare a shade
better than the rest.
One very curious case came before the king. A
young girl, an orphan, who had a considerable estate,
married a fine young fellow who had nothing. The
girl's property was within a seignory held by the
Church. The bishop of the diocese, an arrogant
scion of the great nobility, claimed the girl's estate
on the ground that she had married privately, and
thus had cheated the Church out of one of its rights
as lord of the seignory — the one heretofore referred
to as le droit du seigneur. The penalty of refusal or
avoidance was confiscation. The girl's defence was,
226
that the lordship of the seignory was vested in the
bishop, and the particular right here involved was not
transferable, but must be exercised by the lord him
self or stand vacated , and that an older law, of the
Church itself, strictly barred the bishop from exer
cising it. It was a very odd case, indeed.
It reminded me of something I had read in my
youth about the ingenious way in which the aldermen
of London raised the money that built the Mansion
House. A person who had not taken the Sacrament
according to the Anglican rite, could not stand as a
candidate for sheriff of London. Thus Dissenters
were ineligible ; they could not run if asked, they
could not serve if elected. The aldermen, who with
out any question were Yankees in disguise, hit upon
this neat device : they passed a by-law imposing a fine
of ^"400 upon any one who should refuse to be a can
didate for sheriff, and a fine of £600 upon any person
who, after being elected sheriff, refused to serve. Then
they went to work and elected a lot of Dissenters, one
after another, and kept it up until they had collected
.£15,000 in fines; and there stands the stately Man
sion House to this day, to keep the blushing citizen
in mind of a long past and lamented day when a band
of Yankees slipped into London and played games of
the sort that has given their race a unique and shady
reputation among all truly good and holy peoples that
be in the earth.
The girl's case seemed strong to me ; the bishop's
case was just as strong. I did not see how the king
was going to get out of this hole. But he got out. I
append his decision :
" Truly I find small difficulty here, the matter being
227
even a child's affair for simpleness. An the young
bride had conveyed notice, as in duty bound, to her
feudal lord and proper master and protector the bish
op, she had suffered no loss, for the said bishop could
have got a dispensation making him, for temporary
conveniency, eligible to the exercise of his said right,
and thus would she have kept all she had. Whereas,
failing in her first duty, she hath by that failure failed
in all ; for whoso, clinging to a rope, severeth it above
his hands, must fall ; it being no defence to claim that
the rest of the rope is sound, neither any deliverance
from his peril, as he shall find. Pardy, the woman's
case is rotten at the source. It is the decree of the
Court that she forfeit to the said lord bishop all her
goods, even to the last farthing that she doth possess,
and be thereto mulcted in the costs. Next !"
Here was a tragic end to a beautiful honeymoon
not yet three months old. Poor young creatures !
They had lived these three months lapped to the lips
in worldly comforts. These clothes and trinkets they
were wearing were as fine and dainty as the shrewdest
stretch of the sumptuary laws allowed to people of
their degree ; and in these pretty clothes, she crying
on his shoulder, and he trying to comfort her with
hopeful words set to the music of despair, they went
from the judgment seat out into the world homeless,
bedless, breadless ; why, the very beggars by the road
sides were not so poor as they.
Well, the king was out of the hole ; and on terms
satisfactory to the Church and the rest of the aristoc
racy, no doubt. Men write many fine and plausible
arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact re
mains that where every man in a State has a vote,
228
brutal laws are impossible. Arthur's people were of
course poor material for a republic, because they had
been debased so long by monarchy ; and yet even they
would have been intelligent enough to make short
work of that law which the king had just been admin
istering if it had been submitted to their full and free
vote. There is a phrase which has grown so common
in the world's mouth that it has come to seem to have
sense and meaning — the sense and meaning implied
when it is used : that is the phrase which refers to this
or that or the other nation as possibly being " capable
of self-government;" and the implied sense of it is,
that there has been a nation somewhere, sometime or
other which wasrit capable of it — wasn't as able to
govern itself as some self-appointed specialists were or
would be to govern it. The master minds of all na
tions, in all ages, have sprung in affluent multitude
jfrom the mass of the nation, and from the mass of the
'nation only — not from its privileged classes; and so,
no matter what the nation's intellectual grade was,
whether high or low, the bulk of its ability was in the
long ranks of its nameless and its poor, and so it never
saw the day that it had not the material in abundance
whereby to govejrn itself. Which is to assert an al-
' ways self-proven fact : that even the best governed and
most free and most enlightened monarchy is still be
hind the best condition attainable by its people; and
that the same is true of kindred governments of lower
grades, all the way down to the lowest.
King Arthur had hurried up the army business alto
gether beyond my calculations. I had not supposed
he would move in the matter while I was away ; and
so I had not mapped out a scheme for determining the
229
merits of officers ; I had only remarked that it would
be wise to submit every candidate to a sharp and
searching examination ; and privately I meant to put
together a list of military qualifications that nobody
could answer to but my West Pointers. That ought
to have been attended to before I left ; for the king
was so taken with the idea of a standing army that he
couldn't wait but must get about it at once, and get
up as good a scheme of examination as he could in
vent out of his own head.
I was impatient to see what this was ; and to show,
too, how much more admirable was the one which I
should display to the Examining Board. I intimated
this, gently, to the king, and it fired his curiosity.
When the Board was assembled, I followed him in,
and behind us came the candidates. One of these
candidates was a bright young West Pointer of mine,
and with him were a couple of my West Point pro
fessors.
When I saw the Board, I did not know whether to
cry or to laugh. The head of it was the officer known
to later centuries as Norroy King-at-Arms ! The two
other members were chiefs of bureaux in his depart
ment ; and all three were priests, of course; all offi
cials who had to know how to read and write were
priests.
My candidate was called first, out of courtesy to
me, and the head of the Board opened on him with
official solemnity :
" Name?"
" Mai-ease."
"Son of?"
" Webster."
16 CY
230
" Webster — Webster. H'm — I — my memory fail-
eth to recall the name. Condition ?"
" Weaver."
" Weaver ! — God keep us !"
The king was staggered, from his summit to his
foundations ; one clerk fainted, and the others came
near it. The chairman pulled himself together, and
said indignantly :
" It is sufficient. Get you hence."
But I appealed to the king. I begged that my
candidate might be examined. The king was willing,
but the Board, who were all well-born folk, implored
the king to spare them the indignity of examining
the weaver's son. I knew they didn't know enough
to examine him anyway, so I joined my prayers to
theirs and the king turned the duty over to my pro
fessors. I had had a blackboard prepared, and it was
put up now, and the circus began. It was beautiful
to hear the lad lay out the science of war, and wallow
in details of battle and siege, of supply, transportation,
mining and countermining, grand tactics, big strategy
and little strategy, signal service, infantry, cavalry,
artillery, and all about siege guns, field guns, gatling
guns, rifled guns, smooth bores, musket practice, re
volver practice — and not a solitary word of it all could
these catfish make head or tail of, you understand —
and it was handsome to see him chalk off mathemat
ical nightmares on the blackboard that would stump
the angels themselves, and do it like nothing, too — all
about eclipses, and comets, and solstices, and constel
lations, and mean time, and sidereal time, and dinner
time, and bedtime, and every other imaginable thing
above the clouds or under them that you could harry
231
or bullyrag an enemy with and make him wish he
hadn't come — and when the boy made his military
salute and stood aside at last, I was proud enough to
hug him, and all those other people were so dazed
they looked partly petrified, partly drunk, and wholly
caught out and snowed under. I judged that the
cake was ours, and by a large majority.
Education is a great thing. This was the same
youth who had come to West Point so ignorant that
when I asked him, " If a general officer should have a
horse shot under him on the field of battle, what
ought he to do?" answered up naively and said:
" Get up and brush himself."
One of the young nobles was called up, now. I
thought I would question him a little myself. I
said :
" Can your lordship read?"
His face flushed indignantly, and he fired this at
me:
" Takest me for a clerk? I trow I am not of a
blood that — "
" Answer the question !"
He crowded his wrath down and made out to an
swer " No."
" Can you write?"
He wanted to resent this, too, but I said :
" You will confine yourself to the questions, and
make no comments. You are not here to air your
blood or your graces, and nothing of the sort will be
permitted. Can you write?"
"No."
" Do you know the multiplication table ?"
" I wit not what ye refer to."
232
" How much is 9 times 6?"
" It is a mystery that is hidden from me by reason
that the emergency requiring the fathoming of it hath
not in my life-days occurred, and so, not having no
need to know this thing, I abide barren of the knowl
edge."
" If A trade a barrel of onions to B, worth 2 pence
the bushel, in exchange for a sheep worth 4 pence and
a dog worth a penny, and C kill the dog before deliv
ery, because bitten by the same, who mistook him for
D, what sum is still due to A from B, and which party
pays for the dog, C, or D, and who gets the money?
if A, is the penny sufficient, or may he claim conse
quential damages in the form of additional money to
represent the possible profit which might have inured
from the dog, and classifiable as earned increment, that
is to say, usufruct?"
" Verily, in the all-wise and unknowable providence
of God, who moveth in mysterious ways his wonders
to perform, have I never heard the fellow to this ques
tion for confusion of the mind and congestion of the
ducts of thought. Wherefore I beseech you let the
dog and the onions and these people of the strange
and godless names work out their several salvations
from their piteous and wonderful difficulties without
help of mine, for indeed their trouble is sufficient as
it is, whereas an I tried to help I should but damage
their cause the more and yet mayhap not live myself
to see the desolation wrought."
" What do you know of the laws of attraction and
gravitation ?"
" If there be such, mayhap his grace the king did
promulgate them whilst that I lay sick about the be-
233
ginning of the year and thereby failed to hear his
proclamation."
" What do you know of the science of optics?"
" I know of governors of places, and seneschals of
castles, and sheriffs of counties, and many like small
offices and titles of honor, but him you call the Sci
ence of Optics I have not heard of before ; peradvent-
ure it is a new dignity."
" Yes, in this country."
Try to conceive of this mollusk gravely applying
for an official position, of any kind under the sun !
Why, he had all the ear-marks of a type-writer copy
ist, if you leave out the disposition to contribute unin
vited emendations of your grammar and punctuation.
It was unaccountable that he didn't attempt a little
help of that sort out of his majestic supply of inca
pacity for the job. But that didn't prove that he
hadn't material in him for the disposition, it only
proved that he wasn't a type -writer copyist yet.
After nagging him a little more, I let the professors
loose on him and they turned him inside out, on the
line of scientific war, and found him empty, of course.
He knew somewhat about the warfare of the time —
bushwhacking around for ogres, and bull-fights in the
tournament ring, and such things — but otherwise he
was empty and useless. Then we took the other
young noble in hand, and he was the first one's twin,
for ignorance and incapacity. I delivered them into
the hands of the chairman of the Board with the com
fortable consciousness that their cake was dough.
They were examined in the previous order of pre
cedence.
" Name, so please you ?"
234
" Pertipole, son of Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley
Mash."
" Grandfather ?"
"Also Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash."
" Great-grandfather?"
" The same name and title."
" Great-great-grandfather?"
" We had none, worshipful sir, the line failing before
it had reached so far back."
" It mattereth not. It is a good four generations,
and fulfilleth the requirements of the rule."
" Fulfils what rule ?" I asked. .
" The rule requiring four generations of nobility or
else the candidate is not eligible."
" A man not eligible for a lieutenancy in the army
unless he can prove four generations of noble de
scent ?"
" Even so; neither lieutenant nor any other officer
may be commissioned without that qualification."
" Oh come, this is an astonishing thing. What
good is such a qualification as that?"
"What good? It is a hardy question, fair sir and
Boss, since it doth go far to impugn the wisdom of
even our holy Mother Church herself.'*
"As how?"
" For that she hath established the self-same rule
regarding saints. By her law none may be canonized
until he hath lain dead four generations."
" I see, I see — it is the same thing. It is wonderful.
In the one case a man lies dead-alive four generations
— mummified in ignorance and sloth — and that quali
fies him to command live people, and take their weal
and woe into his impotent hands; and in the other
235
case, a man lies bedded with death and worms four
generations, and that qualifies him for office in the
celestial camp. Does the king's grace approve of this
strange law?"
The king said :
" Why, truly I see naught about it that is strange.
All places of honor and of profit do belong, by nat
ural right, to them that be of noble blood, and so
these dignities in the army are their property and
would be so without this or any rule. The rule is
but to mark a limit. Its purpose is to keep out too
recent blood, which would bring into contempt these
offices, and men of lofty lineage would turn their
backs and scorn to take them. I were to blame an I
permitted this calamity. You can permit it an you
are minded so to do, for you have the delegated au
thority, but that the king should do it were a most
strange madness and not comprehensible to any."
" I yield. Proceed, sir Chief of the Herald's Col
lege."
The chairman resumed as follows •
" By what illustrious achievement for the honor of
the Throne and State did the founder of your great
line lift himself to the sacred dignity of the British
nobility?"
" He built a brewery.'*
" Sire, the Board finds this candidate perfect in all
the requirements and qualifications for military com
mand, and doth hold his case open for decision after
due examination of his competitor."
The competitor came forward and proved exactly
four generations of nobility himself. So there was a
tie in military qualifications that far.
236
He stood aside, a moment', and Sir Pertipole was
questioned further:
" Of what condition was the wife of the founder of
your line ?"
" She came of the highest landed gentry, yet she
was not noble ; she was gracious and pure and chari
table, of a blameless life and character, insomuch that
in these regards was she peer of the best lady in the
land."
"That will do. Stand down." He called up the
competing lordling again, and asked : " What was the
rank and condition of the great-grandmother who con
ferred British nobility upon your great house ?"
" She was a king's leman and did climb to that
splendid eminence by her own unholpen merit from
the sewer where she was born."
"Ah, this indeed is true nobility, this is the right
and perfect intermixture. The lieutenancy is yours,
fair lord. Hold it not in contempt ; it is the humble
step which will lead to grandeurs more worthy of the
splendor of an origin like to thine."
I was down in the bottomless pit of humiliation. I
had promised myself an easy and zenith-scouring tri
umph, and this was the outcome !
I was almost ashamed to look my poor disappointed
cadet in the face. I told him to go home and be pa
tient, this wasn't the end.
I had a private audience with the king, and made a
proposition. I said it was quite right to officer that
regiment with nobilities, and he couldn't have done a
wiser thing. It would also be a good idea to add five
hundred officers to it ; in fact, add as many officers as
there were nobles and relatives of nobles in the coun-
237
try, even if there should finally be five times as many
officers as privates in it ; and thus make it the crack
regiment, the envied regiment, the King's Own regi
ment, and entitled to fight on its own hook and in its
own way, and go whither it would and come when it
pleased, in time of war, and be utterly swell and inde
pendent. This would make that regiment the heart's
desire of all the nobility, and they would all be satis
fied and happy. Then we would make up the rest of
the standing army out of commonplace materials, and
officer it with nobodies, as was proper — nobodies se
lected on a basis of mere efficiency — and we would
make this regiment toe the line, allow it no aristo
cratic freedom from restraint, and force it to do all
the work and persistent hammering, to the end that
whenever the King's Own was tired and wanted to go
off for a change and rummage around amongst ogres
and have a good time, it could go without uneasiness,
knowing that matters were in safe hands behind it,
and business going to be continued at the old stand,
same as usual. The king was charmed with the idea.
When I noticed that, it gave me a valuable notion.
I thought I saw my way out of an old and stubborn
difficulty at last. You see, the royalties of the Pen-
dragon stock were a long-lived race and very fruitful.
Whenever a child was born to any of these — and it
was pretty often — there was wild joy in the nation's
mouth, and piteous sorrow in the nation's heart. The
joy was questionable, but the grief was honest. Be
cause the event meant another call for a Royal Grant.
Long was the list of these royalties, and they were a
heavy and steadily increasing burden upon the treasury
ana a menace to the crown. Yet Arthur could not
believe this latter fact, and he would not listen to any
of my various projects for substituting something in
the' place of the royal grants. If I could have per
suaded him to now and then provide a support for one
of these outlying scions from his own pocket, I could
have made a grand to-do over it, and it would have
had a good effect with the nation ; but no, he wouldn't
hear of such a thing. He had something like a re
ligious passion for a royal grant ; he seemed to look
upon it as a sort of sacred swag, and one could not
irritate him in any way so quickly and so surely as by
an attack upon that venerable institution. If I vent
ured to cautiously hint that there was not another re
spectable family in England that would humble itself
to hold out the hat — however, that is as far as I ever
got ; he always cut me short, there, and peremptorily,
too.
But I believed I saw my chance at last. I would
form this crack regiment out of officers alone — not a
single private. Half of it should consist of nobles,
who should fill all the places up to Major General, and
serve gratis and pay their own expenses ; and they
would be glad to do this when they should learn that
the rest of the regiment would consist exclusively of
princes of the blood. These princes of the blood
should range in rank from Lieutenant General up
to Field Marshal, and be gorgeously salaried and
equipped and fed by the state. Moreover — and this
was the master stroke — it should be decreed that
these princely grandees should be always addressed
by a stunningly gaudy and awe-compelling title, (which
I would presently invent,) and they and they only
in all England should be so addressed. Finally, all
239
princes of the blood should have free choice : join
that regiment, get that great title, and renounce the
royal grant, or stay out and receive a grant. Neatest
touch of all : unborn but imminent princes of the
blood could be born into the regiment, and start fair,
with good wages and a permanent situation, upon due
notice from the parents.
All the boys would join, I was sure of that ; so, all
existing grants would be relinquished ; that the newly
born would always join was equally certain. Within
sixty days that quaint and bizarre anomaly, the Royal
Grant, would cease to be a living fact, and take its
nlace among the curiosities of the past.
CHAPTER XXVI
THE FIRST NEWSPAPER
WHEN I told the king I was going out disguised as
a petty freeman to scour the country and familiarize
myself with the humbler life of the people, he was all
afire with the novelty of the thing in a minute, and
was bound to take a chance in the adventure himself
— nothing should stop him — he would drop- every
thing and go along — it was the prettiest idea he had
run across for many a day. He wanted to glide out
the back way and start at once ; but I showed him
that that wouldn't answer. You see, he was billed for
the king's-evil — to touch for it, I mean — and it wouldn't
be right to disappoint the house ; and it wouldn't make
a delay worth considering, anyway, it was only a one-
night stand. And I thought he ought to tell the
queen he was going away. He clouded up at that,
and looked sad. I was sorry I had spoken, especially
when he said mournfully :
" Thou forgettest that Launcelot is here ; and where
Launcelot is, she noteth not the going forth of the
king, nor what day he returneth."
Of course I changed the subject. Yes, Guenever
was beautiful, it is true, but take her all around she
was pretty slack. I never meddled in these matters,
they weren't my affair, but I did hate to see the way
241
things were going on, and I don't mind saying that
much. Many's the time she had asked me, " Sir Boss,
hast seen Sir Launcelot about?" but if ever she went
fretting around for the king I didn't happen to be
around at the time.
There was a very good lay-out for the king's-evil
business — very tidy and creditable. The king sat un
der a canopy of state, about him were clustered a
large body of the clergy in full canonicals. Conspic
uous, both for location and personal outfit, stood Ma-
rinel, a hermit of the quack-doctor species, to intro
duce the sick. All abroad over the spacious floor,
and clear down to the doors, in a thick jumble, lay or
sat the scrofulous, under a strong light. It was as
good as a tableau ; in fact it had all the look of being
gotten up for that, though it wasn't. There were
eight hundred sick people present. The work was
slow ; it lacked the interest of novelty for me, because
I had seen the ceremonies before ; the thing soon be
came tedious, but the proprieties required me to stick
it out. The doctor was there for the reason that in all
such crowds there were many people who only imag
ined something was the matter with them, and many
who were consciously sound but wanted the immor
tal honor of fleshly contact with a king, and yet oth
ers who pretended to illness in order to get the piece
of coin that went with the touch. Up to this time
this coin had been a wee little gold piece worth about
a third of a dollar. When you consider how much
that amount of money would buy, in that age and
country, and how usual it was to be scrofulous, when
not dead, you will understand that the annual king's-
evil appropriation was just the River and Harbor bill
242
of that government for the grip it took on the treas
ury and the chance it afforded for skinning the sur
plus. So I had privately concluded to touch the
treasury itself for the king's-evil. I covered six-sev
enths of the appropriation into the treasury a week
/before starting from Camelot on my adventures, and
ordered that the other seventh be inflated into five-
cent nickels and delivered into the hands of the head
clerk of the King's Evil Department ; a nickel to take
the place of each gold coin, you see, and do its work
for it. It might strain the nickel some, but I judged
it could stand it. As a rule, I do not approve of wa
tering stock, but I considered it square enough in this
case, for it was just a gift, anyway. Of course you
can water a gift as much as you want to ; and I gen
erally do. The old gold and silver coins of the coun
try were of ancient and unknown origin, as a rule, but
some of them were Roman ; they were ill shapen, and
seldom rounder than a moon that is a week past the
full ; they were hammered, not minted, and they were
so worn with use that the devices upon them were as
illegible as blisters, and looked like them. I judged
that a sharp, bright new nickel, with a first-rate like
ness of the king on one side of it and Guenever on
the other, and a blooming pious mctto, would take
the tuck out of scrofula as handy as a nobler coin
and please the scrofulous fancy more; and I was right.
This batch was the first it was tried on, and it worked
to a charm. The saving in expense was a notable
economy. You will see that by these figures : We
touched a trifle over 700 of the 800 patients ; at for
mer rates, this would have cost the government about
$240 ; at the new rate we pulled through for about
''HAST SEEN SIR LAUNCELOT ABOUT?'"
243
$35> thus saving upward of $200 at one swoop. To
appreciate the full magnitude of this stroke, consider
these other figures: the annual expenses of a national
government amount to the equivalent of a contribu
tion of three days' average wages of every individual
of the population, counting every individual as if he
were a man. If you take a nation of 60,000,000 where
average wages are $2 per day, three days' wages taken
from each individual will provide $360,000,000 and
pay the government's expenses. In my day, in my
own country, this money was collected from imposts,
and the citizen imagined that the foreign importer
paid it, and it made him comfortable to think so ;
whereas, in fact, it was paid by the American people,
and was so equally and exactly distributed among
them that the annual cost to the loo-millionaire and
the annual cost to the sucking child of the day-laborer
was precisely the same — each paid $6. Nothing could
be equaller than that, I reckon. Well, Scotland and
Ireland were tributary to Arthur, and the united pop
ulations of the British Islands amounted to something
less that 1,000,000. A mechanic's average wage was 3
cents a day, when he paid his own keep. By this rule,
the national government's expenses were $90,000 a
year, or about $250 a day. Thus, by the substitution
of nickels for gold on a king's-evil day, I not only in
jured no one, dissatisfied no one, but pleased all con
cerned and saved four -fifths of that day's national
expense into the bargain — a saving which would have
been the equivalent of $800,000 in my day in Amer
ica. In making this substitution I had drawn upon
the wisdom of a very remote source — the wisdom of
my boyhood — for the true statesman does not despise
244
any wisdom, howsoever lowly may be its origin : in my
boyhood I had always saved my pennies and contrib
uted buttops to the foreign missionary cause. The
buttons would answer the ignorant savage as well as
the coin, the coin would answer me better than the
buttons ; all hands were happy and nobody hurt.
Marinel took the patients as they came. He ex
amined the candidate ; if he couldn't qualify he was
warned off ; if he could he was passed along to the king.
A priest pronounced the words, " They shall lay their
hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Then the
king stroked the ulcers, while the reading continued ;
finally, the patient graduated and got his nickel — the
king hanging it around his neck himself — and was dis
missed. Would you think that that would cure? It
certainly did. Any mummery will cure if the patient's
faith is strong in it. Up by Astolat there was a
chapel where the Virgin had once appeared to a girl
who used to herd geese around there — the girl said
so herself — and they built the chapel upon that spot
and hung a picture in it representing the occurrence —
a picture which you would think it dangerous for a
sick person to approach; whereas, on the contrary,
thousands of the lame and the sick came and prayed
before it every year and went away whole and sound ;
and even the well could look upon it and live. Of
course when I was told these things I did not believe
them ; but when I went there and saw them I had
to succumb. I saw the cures effected myself ; and
they were real cures and not questionable. I saw
cripples whom I had seen around Camelot for years
on crutches, arrive and pray before that picture, and
put down their crutches and walk off without a limp.
245
There were piles of crutches there which had been
left by such people as a testimony.
In other places people operated on a patient's
mind, without saying a word to him, and cured him.
In others, experts assembled patients in a room and
prayed over them, and appealed to their faith, and
those patients went away cured. Wherever you find
a king who can't cure the king's-evil you can be sure
that the most valuable superstition that supports his
throne — the subject's belief in the divine appoint
ment of his sovereign — has passed away. In my
youth the monarchs of England had ceased to touch
for the evil, but there was no occasion for this diffi
dence : they could have cured it forty-nine times in
fifty.
Well, when the priest had been droning for three
hours, and the good king polishing the evidences, and
the sick were still pressing forward as plenty as ever,
I got to feeling intolerably bored. I was sitting by
an open window not far from the canopy of state.
For the five hundredth time a patient stood forward
to have his repulsivenesses stroked ; again those words
were being droned out : " they shall lay their hands on
the sick " — when outside there rang clear as a clarion
a note that enchanted my soul and tumbled thirteen
worthless centuries about my ears: "Camelot Weekly
Hosannak and Literary Volcano ! — latest irruption —
only two cents — all about the big miracle in the
Valley of Holiness!" One greater .than kings had
arrived — the newsboy. But I was the only person in
all that throng who knew the meaning of this mighty
birth, and what this imperial magician was come into
the world to do.
i;CY
246
I dropped a nickel out of the window and got my
paper ; the Adam-newsboy of the world went around
the corner to get my change ; is around the corner
yet. It was delicious to see a newspaper again, yet
I was conscious of a secret shock when my eye fell
upon the first batch of display head-lines. I had lived
in a clammy atmosphere of reverence, respect, def
erence, so long, that they sent a quivery little cold
wave through me :
HIGH TIMES IN THE VALLEY
OF HOLINESS!
THE WATERWORKS CORKED !
BRER MERLIN WORKS HIS ARTS^BXJT GETS
LEFT !
But t he Boss scores on his first Innings f
The Mitaculous Well Uncorked amid
awful outbursts tf
INFERNAL FIRE AND SMOKE
ANDTHUNDER!
THE aUZZARD-RCOST ASTONISHED !
UNPARALLELED REJOIBINGS !
— and so on, and so on. Yes, it was too loud. Once
I could have enjoyed it and seen nothing out of the
247
way about it, but now its note was discordant. It
was good Arkansas journalism, but this was not Ar
kansas. Moreover, the next to the last line was cal
culated to give offence to the hermits, and perhaps
lose us their advertising. Indeed, there was too light
some a tone of flippancy all through the paper. It
was plain I had undergone a considerable change
without noticing it. I found myself unpleasantly
affected by pert little irreverencies which would have
seemed but proper and airy graces of speech at an
earlier period of my life. There was an abundance of
the following breed of items, and they discomforted
me:
Local Smoke and Cinders.
Sir Launcejo} met up with old King
ygrivance of Ireland unexpectedly last
weok over on the moor south of Sir
Balmoral le Merveilleuse's hog dasture.
The widow ha? been notified.
Expedition No. 3 will start adout the
first of nextjjmgnthjon a search fSr Sir
Sagramour le Desirous. It is in com-
and of the renowned Knight of the Red
Lawns, assissted by Sir Persant of Inde,
who is competeQt. intelligent, courte
ous, and in every A\av a bri<rk, and fur-
tHer assisted by Sir Palamides the Sara
cen, who is no huckleberry himself.
This is no pic-nic, these boys wean
business.
The readers of the hosannah will re-
gict 10 learn that the hadndsome and
popular Sir Charolais of Gaul, who dur
ing his four weeks' stay at the Bull and
248
Halibut, this^city, has won every heart
by his polished manners and elegant
conversation, wi21 pull out to-day for
home. Give us another cail, Charley !
The bdsiness end of the funeral of
the late Sir Dalliance the duke's son of
Cornwall, killed in an encounter wich
the Giant of the Knotted Bludgeon last
^uesday on the borders of the Plain of
Enchantment was in the hands of the
ever affable and eujcient ^Mumble,
prince of un3ertakers, than whom there
exists none by whom it were a more
satisfying pleasure to have the last sad
ortices performed. Give him a trial.
The c'-rjial thanks of the H^sannah
office are due, from editor down to
devil, to the ever courteous and thought
ful Lord High StewAl of the Palace's
Thrid Assistant V^Rt for several sau-
c< ts of ice crEam^Fa quality calculated
to make the ey^ ;>f the recipients hu-
mi i with gr ^ude ; and it done it.
When this ^administration wants to
chalk up a desirable name for early
promotion, the Hosannah would like a
chance to sudgest.
The Demoiselle 'Irene (jewlap, of
South Astolat, is visiting her uncle, the
popular host of the Cattlemen's Board
ing Ho&se, Liver Lane, this city.
Young Barker the bellows-mender is
hoMe again, and looks much improved
by his vacation round-up among the
out-lying smithies, gee his ad.
349
Of course it was good enough journalism for a be
ginning ; I knew that quite well, and yet it was some
how disappointing. The "Court Circular" pleased
me better ; indeed its simple and dignified respect
fulness was a distinct refreshment to me after all
those disgraceful familiarities. But even it could
have been improved. Do what one may, there is no
getting an air of variety into a court circular, I ac
knowledge that. There is a profound monotonous-
ness about its facts that baffles and defeats one's sin-
cerest efforts to make them sparkle and enthuse. The
best way to manage — in fact, the only sensible way —
is to disguise repetitiousness of fact under variety of
form : skin your fact each time and lay on a new cu
ticle of words. It deceives the eye ; you think it is
a new fact ; it gives you the idea that the court is
carrying on like everything ; this excites you, and
you drain the whole column, with a good appetite,
and perhaps never notice that it's a barrel of soup
made out of a single bean. Clarence's way was good,
it was simple, it was dignified, it was direct and busi
ness-like ; all I say is, it was not the best way :
£OURT CIRCULAR.
£)n Monday, the ~v[ing rode in the park.
" Tuesday,
" Wendesday " " "
" Thursday " "
" Friday, " " *
" Saiurday " " "
« Sunday,
However, take the paper by and large, I was vastly
250
pleased with it. Little crudities of a mechanical sort
were observable here and there, but there were not
enough of them to amount to anything, and it was
good enough Arkansas proof-reading, anyhow, and
better than was needed in Arthur's day and realm.
As a rule, the grammar was leaky and the construc
tion more or less lame ; but I did not much mind
these things. They are common defects of my own,
and one mustn't criticise other people on grounds
where he can't stand perpendicular himself.
I was hungry enough for literature to want to take
down the whole paper at this one meal, but I got only
a few bites, and then had to postpone, because the
monks around me besieged me so with eager ques
tions: What is this curious thing? What is it for?
Is it a handkerchief? — saddle blanket ? — part of a shirt?
What is it made of ? How thin it is, and how dainty
and frail ; and how it rattles. Will it wear, do you
think, and won't the rain injure it ? Is it writing that
appears on it, or is it only ornamentation ? They
suspected it was writing, because those among them
who knew how to read Latin and had a smatter
ing of Greek, recognized some of the letters, but
they could make nothing out of the result as a
whole. I put my information in the simplest form I
could:
" It is a public journal ; I will explain what that is,
another time. It is not cloth, it is made of paper ;
some time I will explain what paper is. The lines
on it are reading matter ; and not written by hand,
but printed ; by-and-by I will explain what printing
is. A thousand of these sheets have been made, all
exactly like this, in every minute detail — they can't
251
be told apart." Then they all broke out with excla
mations of surprise and admiration :
"A thousand! Verily a mighty work — a year's
work for many men."
" No — merely a day's work for a man and a boy."
They crossed themselves, and whiffed out a protec
tive prayer or two.
" Ah-h — a miracle, a wonder ! Dark work of en
chantment."
I let it go at that. Then I read in a low voice, to
as many as could crowd their shaven heads within
hearing distance, part of the account of the miracle
of the restoration of the well, and was accompanied
by astonished and reverent ejaculations all through :
"Ah-h-h!" " How true!" "Amazing, amazing!"
" These be the very haps as they happened, in mar
vellous exactness !" And might they take this strange
thing in their hands, and feel of it and examine it? —
they would be very careful. Yes. So they took it,
handling it as cautiously and devoutly as if it had
been some holy thing come from some supernatural
region ; and gently felt of its texture, caressed its pleas
ant smooth surface with lingering touch, and scanned
the mysterious characters with fascinated eyes. These
grouped bent heads, these charmed faces, these speak
ing eyes — how beautiful to me ! For was not this
my darling, and was not all this mute wonder and
interest and homage a most eloquent tribute and un
forced compliment to it ? I knew, then, how a moth
er feels when women, whether strangers or friends,
take her new baby, and close themselves about it with
one eager impulse, and bend their heads over it in a
tranced adoration that makes all the rest of the uni-
252
verse vanish out of their consciousness and be as if it
were not, for that time. I knew how she feels, and
that there is no other satisfied ambition, whether of
king, conqueror or poet, that ever reaches half-way to
that serene far summit or yields half so divine a con
tentment.
During all the rest of the stance my paper travelled
from group to group all up and down and about that
huge hall, and my happy eye was upon it always, and
I sat motionless, steeped in satisfaction, drunk with
enjoyment. Yes, this was heaven ; I was tasting it
once, if I might never taste it more.
CHAPTER XXVII
THE YANKEE AND THE KING TRAVEL INCOGNITO
ABOUT bedtime I took the king to my private quar
ters to cut his hair and help him get the hang of the
lowly raiment he was to wear. The high classes wore
their hair banged across the forehead but hanging to
the shoulders the rest of the way around, whereas the
lowest ranks of commoners were banged fore and aft
both ; the slaves were bangless, and allowed their hair
free growth. So I inverted a bowl over his head and
cut away all the locks that hung below it. I also
trimmed his whiskers and moustache until they were
only about a half-inch long ; and tried to do it inar-
tistically, and succeeded. It was a villanous disfigure
ment. When he got his lubberly sandals on, and his
long robe of coarse brown linen cloth, which hung
straight from his neck to his ankle-bones, he was no
longer the comeliest man in his kingdom, but one of
the unhandsomest and most commonplace and unat
tractive. We were dressed and barbered alike, and
could pass for small farmers, or farm bailiffs, or shep
herds, or carters ; yes, or for village artisans, if we
chose, our costume being in effect universal among
the poor, because of its strength and cheapness. I
don't mean that it was really cheap to a very poor
person, but I do mean that it was the cheapest mate-
254
rial there was for male attire — manufacturedjnatenaL
you understand.
We slipped away an hour before dawn, and by
broad sun-up had made eight or ten miles, and were
in the midst of a sparsely settled country. I had a
pretty heavy knapsack ; it was laden with provisions
—provisions for the king to taper down on, till he
could take to the coarse fare of the country without
damage.
I found a comfortable seat for the king by the road
side, and then gave him a morsel or two to stay his
stomach with. Then I said I would find some water
for him, and strolled away. Part of my project was
to get out of sight and sit down and rest a little my
self. It had always been my custom to stand, when
in his presence; even at the council board, except upon
those rare occasions when the sitting was a very long
one, extending over hours ; then I had a trifling little
backless thing which was like a reversed culvert and
was as comfortable as the toothache. I didn't want
to break him in suddenly, but do it by degrees. We
should have to sit together now when in company,
or people would notice ; but it would not be good
politics for me to be playing equality with him when
there was no necessity for it.
I found the water, some three hundred yards away,
and had been resting about twenty minutes, when I
heard voices. That is all right, I thought — peasants
going to work ; nobody else likely to be stirring this
early. But the next moment these comers jingled into
sight around a turn of the road — smartly clad people
of quality, with luggage-mules and servants in their
train ! I was off like a shot, through the bushes, by
255
the shortest cut. For a while it did seem that these
people would pass the king before I could get to him ;
but desperation gives you wings, you know, and I
canted my body forward, inflated my breast, and held
my breath and flew. I arrived. And in plenty good
enough time, too.
" Pardon, my king, but it's no time for ceremony —
jump ! Jump to your feet — some quality are coming !"
" Is that a marvel? Let them come."
" But my liege ! You must not be seen sitting.
Rise ! — and stand in humble posture while they pass.
You are a peasant, you know."
" True — I had forgot it, so lost was I in planning of
a huge war with Gaul " — he was up by this time, but
a farm could have got up quicker, if there was any
kind of a boom in real estate — " and right-so a thought
came randoming overthwart this majestic dream the
which — "
" A humbler attitude, my lord the king — and quick!
Duck your head ! — more ! — still more ! — droop it !"
He did his honest best, but lord it was no great
things. He looked as humble as the leaning tower at
Pisa. It is the most you could say of it. Indeed it
was such a thundering poor success that it raised won
dering scowls all along the line, and a gorgeous flun
key at the tail end of it raised his whip ; but I jumped
in time and was under it when it fell ; and under cover
of the volley of coarse laughter which followed, I spoke
up sharply and warned the king to take no notice.
He mastered himself for the moment, but it was a sore
tax ; he wanted to eat up the procession. I said :
" It would end our adventures at the very start ; and
we, being without weapons, could do nothing with
that armed gang. If we are going to succeed In our
emprise, we must not only look the peasant but act
the peasant."
" It is wisdom ; none can gainsay it. Let us go on,
Sir Boss. I will take note and learn, and do the best
I may."
He kept his word. He did the best he could, but
I've seen better. If you have ever seen an active,
heedless, enterprising child going diligently out of one
mischief and into another all day long, and an anx
ious mother at its heels all the while, and just saving
it by a hair from drowning itself or breaking its neck
with each new experiment, you've seen the king and
me.
If I could have foreseen what the thing was going
to be like, I should have said, No, if anybody wants
to make his living exhibiting a king as a peasant, let
him take the layout ; I can do better with a menage
rie, and last longer. And yet, during the first three
days I never allowed him to enter a hut or other
dwelling. If he could pass muster anywhere, during
his early novitiate, it would be in small inns and on
the road ; so to these places we confined ourselves.
Yes, he certainly did the best he could, but what of
that? He didn't improve a bit that I could see.
He was always frightening me, always breaking out
with fresh astonishers, in new and unexpected places.
Toward evening on the second day, what does he do
but blandly fetch out a dirk from inside his robe !
" Great guns, my liege, where did you get that ?"
" From a smuggler at the inn, yester eve."
" What in the world possessed you to buy it ?"
" We have escaped divers dangers by wit — thy wit
257
— but I have bethought me that it were but prudence
if I bore a weapon, too. Thine might fail thee in
some pinch."
" But people of our condition are not allowed to
carry arms. What would a lord say — yes, or any
other person of whatever condition — if he caught an
upstart peasant with a dagger on his person ?"
It was a lucky thing for us that nobody came along
just then. I persuaded him to throw the dirk away ;
and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up
some bright fresh new way of killing itself. We
walked along, silent and thinking. Finally the king
said :
" When ye know that I meditate a thing inconven
ient, or that hath a peril in it, why do you not warn
me to cease from that project?"
It was a startling question, and a puzzler. I didn't
quite know how to take hold of it, or what to say, and
so of course I ended by saying the natural thing :
" But sire, how can / know what your thoughts
are ?"
The king stopped dead in his tracks, and stared at
me.
" I believed thou wert greater than Merlin ; and
truly in magic thou art. But prophecy is greater than
magic. Merlin is a prophet."
I saw I had made a blunder. I must get back my
lost ground. After deep reflection and careful plan
ning, I said :
" Sire, I have been misunderstood. I will explain.
There are two kinds of prophecy. One is the gift to
foretell things that are but a little way off, the other
is the gift to foretell things that are whole ages and
258
centuries away. Which is the mightier gift, do you
think ?"
" Oh, the last, most surely !"
" True. Does Merlin possess it ?"
" Partly, yes. He foretold mysteries about my birth
and future kingship that were twenty years away."
" Has he ever gone beyond that ?"
" He would not claim more, I think."
" It is probably his limit. All prophets have their
limit. The limit of some of the great prophets has
been a hundred years."
"These are few, I ween."
" There have been two still greater ones, whose
limit was four hundred and six hundred years, and
one whose limit compassed even seven hundred and
twenty."
" Gramercy, it is marvellous !"
" But what are these in comparison with me ? They
are nothing."
" What ? Canst thou truly look beyond even so
vast a stretch of time as — "
" Seven hundred years ? My liege, as clear as the
vision of an eagle does my prophetic eye penetrate
and lay bare the future of this world for nearly thir
teen centuries and a half!"
My land, you should have seen the king's eyes
spread slowly open, and lift the earth's entire atmos
phere as much as an inch ! That settled Brer Merlin.
One never had any occasion to prove his facts, with
these people ; all he had to do was to state them.
It never occurred to anybody to doubt the state
ment.
" Now, then," I continued, " I could work both
259
kinds of prophecy — the long and the short — if I
chose to take the trouble to keep in practice ; but
I seldom exercise any but the long kind, because
the other is beneath my dignity. It is properer to
Merlin's sort — stump-tail prophets, as we call them in
the profession. Of course I whet up now and then
and flirt out a minor prophecy, but not often — hard
ly ever, in fact. You will remember that there was
great talk, when you reached the Valley of Holiness,
about my having prophesied your coming and the
very hour of your arrival, two or three days before
hand."
" Indeed, yes, I mind it now."
"Well, I could have done it as much as forty times
easier, and piled on a thousand times more detail into
the bargain, if it had been five hundred years away
instead of two or three days."
" How amazing that it should be so !"
"Yes, a genuine expert can always foretell a thing
that is five hundred years away easier than he can a
thing that's only five hundred seconds off."
"And yet in reason it should clearly be the other
way ; it should be five hundred times as easy to fore
tell the last as the first, for indeed it is so close by
that one uninspired might almost see it. In truth the
law of prophecy doth contradict the likelihoods, most
strangely making the difficult easy, and the easy diffi
cult."
It was a wise head. A peasant's cap was no safe
disguise for it ; you could know it for a king's, under
a diving-bell, if you could hear it work its intellect.
I had a new trade, now, and plenty of business in it.
The king was as hungry to find out everything that
260
was going to happen during the next thirteen cen-
turies as if he were expecting to live in them. From
that time out, I prophesied myself bald-headed trying
to supply the demand. I have done some indiscreet
things in my day, but this thing of playing myself for
a prophet was the worst. Still, it had its ameliora
tions. A prophet doesn't have to have any brains.
They are good to have, of course, for the ordinary
exigencies of life, but they are no use in professional
work. It is the restfulest vocation there is. When
the spirit of prophecy comes upon you, you merely
cake your intellect and lay it off in a cool place for a
rest, and unship your jaw and leave it alone ; it will
work itself : the result is prophecy.
Every day a knight-errant or so came along, and
the sight of them fired the king's martial spirit every
time. He would have forgotten himself, sure, and
said something to them in a style a suspicious shade
or so above his ostensible degree, and so I always got
him well out of the road in time. Then he would
stand, and look with all his eyes ; and a proud light
would flash from them, and his nostrils would inflate
like a war-horse's, and I knew he was longing for a
brush with them. But about noon of the third day I
had stopped in the road to take a precaution which
had been suggested by the whip-stroke that had fallen
to my share two days before ; a precaution which I
had afterward decided to leave untaken, I was so
loath to institute it ; but now I had just had a fresh
reminder: while striding heedlessly along, with jaw
spread and intellect at rest, for I was prophesying, I
stubbed my toe and fell sprawling. I was so pale I
couldn't think, for a moment ; then I got softly and
26l
carefully up and unstrapped my knapsack. I had that
dynamite bomb in it, done up in wool, in a box. It
was a good thing to have along ; the time would come
when I could do a valuable miracle with it, maybe,
but it was a nervous thing to have about me, and I
didn't like to ask the king to carry it. Yet I must
either throw it away or think up some safe way to get
along with its society. I got it out and slipped it into
my scrip, and just then, here came a couple of knights.
The king stood, stately as a statue, gazing toward
them — had forgotten himself again, of course — and
before I could get a word of warning out, it was time
for him to skip, and well that he did it, too. He sup
posed they would turn aside. Turn aside to avoid
trampling peasant dirt under foot? When had he
ever turned aside himself — or ever had the chance to
do it, if a peasant saw him or any other noble knight
in time to judiciously save him the trouble ? The
knights paid no attention to the king at all ; it was
his place to look out himself, and if he hadn't skipped
he would have been placidly ridden down, and laughed
at besides.
The king was in a flaming fury, and launched out
his challenge and epithets with a most royal vigor.
The knights were some little distance by, now. They
halted, greatly surprised, and turned in their saddles
and looked back, as if wondering if it might be worth
while to bother with such scum as we. Then they
wheeled and started for us. Not a moment must be
lost. I started for them. I passed them at a rattling
gait, and as I went by I flung out a hair-lifting soul-
scorching thirteen-jointed insult which made the king's
effort poor and cheap by comparison. I got it out of
iSCY
262
the nineteenth century where they know how. They
had such headway that they were nearly to the king
before they could check up ; then, frantic with rage,
they stood up their horses on their hind hoofs and
whirled them around, and the next moment here they
came, breast to breast. I was seventy yards off, then,
and scrambling up a great bowlder at the road-side.
When they were within thirty yards of me they let
their long lances droop to a level, depressed their
mailed heads, and so, with their horse -hair plumes
streaming straight out behind, most gallant to see,
this lightning express came tearing for me ! When
they were within fifteen yards, I sent that bomb with
a sure aim, and it struck the ground just under the
horses' noses.
Yes, it was a neat thing, very neat and pretty to
see. It resembled a steamboat explosion on the
Mississippi ; and during the next fifteen minutes we
stood under a steady drizzle of microscopic fragments
of knights and hardware and horse-flesh. I say we,
for the king joined the audience, of course, as soon as
he had got his breath again. There was a hole there
which would afford steady work for all the people in
that region for some years to come — in trying to ex
plain it, I mean ; as for filling it up, that service would
be comparatively prompt, and would fall to the lot of
a select few — peasants of that seignory ; and they
wouldn't get anything for it, either.
But I explained it to the king myself. I said it was
done with a dynamite bomb. This information did
him no damage, because it left him as intelligent as he
was before. However, it was a noble miracle, in his
eyes, and was another settler for Merlin. I thought
it well enough to explain that this was a miracle of so
rare a sort that it couldn't be done except when the
atmospheric conditions were just right. Otherwise he
would be encoring it every time we had a good sub
ject, and that would be inconvenient, because I hadn't
any more bombs along.
CHAPTER XXVIIi
DRILLING THE KING
ON the morning of the fourth day, when it was just
sunrise, and we had been tramping an hour in the
chill dawn, I came to a resolution : the king must be
drilled ; things could not go on so, he must be taken
in hand and deliberately and conscientiously drilled,
or we couldn't ever venture to enter a dwelling ; the
very cats would know this masquerader for a humbug
and no peasant. So I called a halt and said :
" Sire, as between clothes and countenance, you are
all right, there is no discrepancy; but as between your
clothes and your bearing, you are all wrong, there is a
most noticeable discrepancy. Your soldierly stride,
your lordly port — these will not do. You stand too
straight, your looks are too high, too confident. The
cares of a kingdom do not stoop the shoulders, they
do not droop the chin, they do not depress the high
level of the eye -glance, they do not put doubt and
fear in the heart and hang out the signs of them in
slouching body and unsure step. It is the sordid cares
of the lowly born that do these things. You must
learn the trick; you must imitate the trade -marks of
poverty, misery, oppression, insult, and the other sev
eral and common inhumanities that sap the manliness
out of a man and make him a loyal and proper and
26$
approved subject and a satisfaction to his masters, or
the very infants will know you for better than your
disguise, and we shall go to pieces at the first hut we
stop at. Pray try to walk like this."
The king took careful note, and then tried an imita
tion.
" Pretty fair — pretty fair. Chin a little lower, please
— there, very good. Eyes too high ; pray don't look
at the horizon, look at the ground, ten steps in front
of you. Ah — that is better, that is very good. Wait,
please ; you betray too much vigor, too much decision ;
you want more of a shamble. Look at me, please —
this is what I mean Now you are getting it ;
that is the idea — at least, it sort of approaches it
Yes, that is pretty fair. But ! There is a great big
something wanting, I don't quite know what it is.
Please walk thirty yards, so that I can get a perspec
tive on the thing Now, then — your head's right,
speed's right, shoulders right, eyes right, chin right,
gait, carriage, general style right — everything's right !
And yet the fact remains, the aggregrate's wrong.
The account don't balance. Do it again, please ....
now I think I begin to see what it is. Yes, I've struck
it. You see, the genuine spiritlessness is wanting ;
that's what's the trouble. It's all amateur — mechani
cal details all right, almost to a hair; everything about
the delusion perfect, except that it don't delude.'
" What then, must one do, to prevail ?"
" Let me think I can't seem to quite get at
it. In fact there isn't anything that can right the
matter but practice. This is a good place for it:
roots and stony ground to break up your stately gait,
a region not liable to interruption, only one field and
266
one hut in sight, and they so far away that nobody
could see us from there. It will be well to move a
little off the road and put in the whole day drilling
you, sire."
After the drill had gone on a little while, I said :
" Now, sire, imagine that we are at the door of the
hut yonder, and the family are before us. Proceed,
please — accost the head of the house."
The king unconsciously straightened up like a mon
ument, and said, with frozen austerity :
" Varlet, bring a seat ; and serve to me what cheer
ye have."
"Ah, your grace, that is not well done."
"Iri what lacketh it?"
" These people do not call each other varlets."
" Nay, is that true ?"
"Yes; only those above them call them so."
"Then must I try again. I will call him villein."
" No-no ; for he may be a freeman."
" Ah — so. Then peradventure I should call him
goodman."
" That would answer, your grace, but it would be
still better if you said friend, or brother."
" Brother !— to dirt like that?" •
" Ah, but we are pretending to be dirt like that,
too."
" It is even true. I will say it. Brother, bring a
seat, and thereto what cheer ye have, withal. Now
'tis right."
" Not quite, not wholly right. You have asked for
one, not us — for one, not both ; food for one, a seat
for one."
The king looked puzzled — he wasn't a very heavy
weight, intellectually. His head was an hour-glass ;
it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a
time, not the whole idea at once.
" Would you have a seat also — and sit ?"
" If I did not sit, the man would perceive that we
were only pretending to be equals — and playing the
deception pretty poorly, too."
" It is well and truly said ! How wonderful is
truth, come it in whatsoever unexpected form it
may ! Yes, he must bring out seats and food for
both, and in serving us present not ewer and napkin
with more show of respect to the one than to the
other."
" And there is even yet a detail that needs correct
ing. He must bring nothing outside ; — we will go in
— in among the dirt, and possibly other repulsive
things, — and take the food with the household, and
after the fashion of the house, and all on equal terms,
except the man be of the serf class ; and finally, there
will be no ewer and no napkin, whether he be serf or
free. Please walk again, my liege. There — it is bet
ter — it is the best yet ; but not perfect. The shoul
ders have known no ignobler burden than iron mail,
and they will not stoop."
" Give me, then, the bag. I will learn the spirit
that goeth with burdens that have not honor. It is
the spirit that stoopeth the shoulders, I ween, and not
the weight ; for armor is heavy, yet it is a proud bur
den, and a man standeth straight in it Nay,
but me no buts, offer me no objections. I will have
the thing. Strap it upon my back."
He was complete, now, with that knapsack on, and
looked as little like a king as any man I had ever
268
seen. But it was an obstinate pair of shoulders ; they
could not seem to learn the trick of stooping with
any sort of deceptive naturalness. The drill went on,
I prompting and correcting :
" Now, make believe you are in debt, and eaten up
by relentless creditors ; you are out of work — which
is horse-shoeing, let us say — and can get none ; and
your wife is sick, your children are crying because
they are hungry — "
And so on, and so on. I drilled him as represent
ing in turn all sorts of people out of luck and suffer
ing dire privations and misfortunes. But lord it was
only just words, words — they meant nothing in the
world to him, I might just as well have whistled.
Words realize nothing, vivify nothing to you, unless
you have suffered in your own person the thing which
the words try to describe. There are wise people who
talk ever so knowingly and complacently about " the
working classes," and satisfy themselves that a day's
hard intellectual work is very much harder than a
day's hard manual toil, and is righteously entitled to
much bigger pay. Why, they really think that, you
know, because they know all about the one, but
haven't tried the other. But I know all about both ;
and so far as I am concerned, there isn't money
enough in the universe to hire me to swing a pick
axe thirty days, but I will do the hardest kind of
intellectual work for just as near nothing as you can
cipher it down — and I will be satisfied, too.
Intellectual " work " is misnamed ; it is a pleasure,
a dissipation, and is its own highest reward. The
poorest paid architect, engineer, general, author,
sculptor, painter, lecturer, advocate, legislator, actor,
269
preacher, singer, is constructively in heaven when he
is at work ; and as for the musician with the fiddle-
bow in his hand who sits in the midst of a great
orchestra with the ebbing and flowing tides of divine
sound washing over him — why, certainly, he is at
work, if you wish to call it that, but lord, it's a sar
casm just the same. The law of work does seem
utterly unfair — but there it is, and nothing can change
it : the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets
out of it, the higher shall be his pay in cash, also. And
it's also the very law of those transparent swindles,
transmissible nobility and kingship.
CHAPTER XXIX
THE SMALL -POX HUT
WHEN we arrived at that hut at mid-afternoon, we
saw no signs of life about it. The field near by had
been denuded of its crop some time before, and had
a skinned look, so exhaustively had it been harvested
and gleaned. Fences, sheds, everything had a ruined
look, and were eloquent of poverty. No animal was
around anywhere, no living thing in sight. The still
ness was awful, it was like the stillness of death. The
cabin was a one-story one, whose thatch was black
with age, and ragged from lack of repair.
The door stood a trifle ajar. We approached it
stealthily — on tiptoe and at half-breath — for that is the
way one's feeling makes him do, at such a time. The
king knocked. We waited. No answer. Knocked
again. No answer. I pushed the door softly open
and looked in. I made out some dim forms, and a
woman started up from the ground and stared at me,
as one does who is wakened from sleep. Presently
she found her voice —
" Have mercy !" she pleaded. " All is taken, nothing
is left."
" I have not come to take anything, poor woman."
" You are not a priest ?"
" No."
271
" Nor come not from the lord of the manor?"
" No, I am a stranger."
" Oh, then, for the fear of God, who visits with
misery and death such as be harmless, tarry not here,
but fly! This place is under his curse — and his
Church's."
" Let me come in and help you — you are sick and
in trouble."
I was better used to the dim light, now. I could
see her hollow eyes fixed upon me. I could see how
emaciated she was.
" I tell you the place is under the Church's ban.
Save yourself — and go, before some straggler see thee
here, and report it."
" Give yourself no trouble about me ; I don't care
anything for the Church's curse. Let me help you."
" Now all good spirits — if there be any such — bless
thee for that word. Would God I had a sup of water!
—but hold, hold, forget I said it, and fly ; for there
is that here that even he that feareth not the Church
must fear: this disease whereof we die. Leave us,
thou brave, good stranger, and take with thee such
whole and sincere blessing as them that be accursed
can give."
But before this I had picked up a wooden bowl
and was rushing past the king on my way to the
brook. It was ten yards away. When I got back
and entered, the king was within, and was opening
the shutter that closed the window-hole, to let in air
and light. The place was full of a foul stench. I put
the bowl to the woman's lips, and as she gripped it
with her eager talons the shutter came open and a
strong light flooded her face. Small-pox !
272
I sprang to the king, and said in his ear :
" Out of the door on the instant, sire ! the woman
is dying of that disease that wasted the skirts of
Camelot two years ago."
He did not budge.
" Of a truth I shall remain — and likewise help."
I whispered again :
" King, it must not be. You must go."
" Ye mean well, and ye speak not unwisely. But
it were shame that a king should know fear, and
shame that belted knight should withhold his hand
where be such as need succor. Peace, I will not go.
It is you who must go. The Church's ban is not
upon me, but it forbiddeth you to be here, and she
will deal with you with a heavy hand an word come
to her of your trespass."
It was a desperate place for him to be in, and might
cost him his life, but it was no use to argue with him.
If he considered his knightly honor at stake here, that
was the end of argument ; he would stay, and nothing
could prevent it ; I was aware of that. And so I
dropped the subject. The woman spoke :
" Fair sir, of your kindness will ye climb the ladder
there, and bring me news of what ye find ? Be not
afraid to report, for times can come when even a
mother's heart is past breaking — being already broke."
" Abide," said the king, " and give the woman to
eat. I will go." And he put down the knapsack.
I turned to start but the king had already started.
He halted, and looked down upon a man who lay in a
dim light, and had not noticed us, thus far, or spoken.
" Is it your husband ?" the king asked.
" Yes."
273
" Is he asleep ?"
" God be thanked for that one charity, yes — these
three hours. Where shall I pay to the full, my grati
tude ! for my heart is bursting with it for that sleep
he sleepeth now."
I said :
" We will be careful. We will not wake him."
" Ah, no, that ye will not, for he is dead."
" Dead ?"
44 Yes, what triumph it is to know it ! None can
harm him, none insult him more. He is in heaven,
now, and happy ; or if not there, he bides in hell and
is content ; for in that place he will find neither abbot
nor yet bishop. We were boy and girl together; we
were man and wife these five and twenty years, and
never separated till this day. Think how long that
is, to love and suffer together. This morning was he
out of his mind, and in his fancy we were boy and girl
again and wandering in the happy fields ; and so in
that innocent glad converse wandered he far and
farther, still lightly gossiping, and entered into those
other fields we know not of, and was shut away from
mortal sight. And so there was no parting, for in his
fancy I went with him; he knew not but I went with
him, my hand in his — my young soft hand, not this
withered claw. Ah, yes, to go, and know it not ; to
separate and know it not ; how could one go peace-
fuller than that ? It was his reward for a cruel life
patiently borne."
There was a slight noise from the direction of the
dim corner where the ladder was. It was the king,
descending. I could see that he was bearing some
thing in one arm, and assisting himself with the other.
274
He came forward into the light ; upon his breast lay
a slender girl of fifteen. She was but half conscious ;
she was dying of small-pox. Here was heroism at its
last and loftiest possibility, its utmost summit ; this
was challenging death in the open field unarmed, with
all the odds against the challenger, no reward set
upon the contest, and no admiring world in silks and
cloth of gold to gaze and applaud ; and yet the king's
bearing was as serenely brave as it had always been
in those cheaper contests where knight meets knight
in equal fight and clothed in protecting steel. He
was great, now ; sublimely great. The rude statues
of his ancestors in his palace should have an addition
— I would see to that ; and it would not be a mailed
king killing a giant or a dragon, like the rest, it would
be a king in commoner's garb bearing death in his
arms that a peasant mother might look her last upon
her child and be comforted.
He laid the girl down by her mother, who poured
out endearments and caresses from an overflowing
heart, and one could detect a flickering faint light of
response in the child's eyes, but that was all. The
mother hung over her, kissing her, petting her, and
imploring her to speak, but the lips only moved and
no sound came. I snatched my liquor flask from my
knapsack, but the woman forbade me, and said :
" No — she does not suffer ; it is better so. It might
bring her back to life. None that be so good and kind
as ye are would do her that cruel hurt. For look you
— what is left to live for? Her brothers are gone, her
father is gone, her mother goeth, the Church's curse
is upon her and none may shelter or befriend her even
though she lay perishing in the road. She is desolate.
275
I have not asked you, good heart, if her sister be still
on live, here overhead ; I had no need ; ye had gone
back, else, and not left the poor thing forsaken — "
" She lieth at peace," interrupted the king, in a sub
dued voice.
" I would not change it. How rich is this day in
happiness ! Ah, my Annis, thou shalt join thy sister
soon — thou'rt on thy way, and these be merciful
friends, that will not hinder."
And so she fell to murmuring and cooing over the
girl again, and softly stroking her face and hair, and
kissing her and calling her by endearing names ; but
there was scarcely sign of response, now, in the glaz
ing eyes. I saw tears well from the king's eyes, and
trickle down his face. The woman noticed them, too,
and said :
"Ah, I know that sign: thou'st a wife at home,
poor soul, and you and she have gone hungry to bed,
many's the time, that the little ones might have your
crust ; you know what poverty is, and the daily in
sults of your betters, and the heavy hand of the
Church and the king."
The king winced under this accidental home-shot,
but kept still; he was learning his part; and he was
playing it well, too, for a pretty dull beginner. I
struck up a diversion. I offered the woman food and
liquor, but she refused both. She would allow noth
ing to come between her and the release of death.
Then I slipped away and brought the dead child from
aloft, and laid it by her. This broke her down again,
and there was another scene that was full of heart
break. By-and-by I made another diversion, and be
guiled her to sketch her story.
276
"Ye know it well, yourselves, having suffered it — for
truly none of our condition in Britain escape it. It is
the old, weary tale. We fought and struggled and suc
ceeded ; meaning by success, that we lived and did not
die; more than that is not to be claimed. No troubles
came that we could not outlive, till this year brought
them ; then came they all at once, as one might say,
and overwhelmed us. Years ago the lord of the manor
planted certain fruit trees on our farm ; in the best
part of it, too — a grievous wrong and shame — "
" But it was his right," interrupted the king.
" None denieth that, indeed ; an the law mean any
thing, what is the lord's is his, and what is mine is his
also. Our farm was ours by lease, therefore 'twas
likewise his, to do with it as he would. Some little
time ago, three of those trees were found hewn down.
Our three grown sons ran frightened to report the
crime. Well, in his lordship's dungeon there they lie,
who saith there shall they lie and rot till they confess.
They have naught to confess, being innocent, where
fore there will they remain until they die. Ye know
that right well, I ween. Think how this left us ; a
man, a woman and two children, to gather a crop that
was planted by so much greater force, yes, and protect
it night and day from pigeons and prowling animals
that be sacred and must not be hurt by any of our
sort. When my lord's crop was nearly ready for the
harvest, so also was ours ; when his bell rang to call
us to his fields to harvest his crops for nothing, he
would not allow that I and my two girls should count
for our three captive sons, but for only two of them ;
so, for the lacking one were we daily fined. All this
time our own crop was perishing through neglect;
277
and so both the priest and his lordship fined us be
cause their shares of it were suffering through damage.
In the end the fines ate up our crop — and they took
it all ; they took it all and made us harvest it for them,
without pay or food, and we starving. Then the
worst came when I, being out of my mind with hunger
and loss of my boys, and grief to see my husband and
my little maids in rags and misery and despair, uttered
a deep blasphemy — oh ! a thousand of them ! — against
the Church and the Church's ways. It was ten days
ago. I had fallen sick with this disease, and it was to
the priest I said the words, for he was come to chide
me for lack of due humility under the chastening hand
of God. He carried my trespass to his betters ; I was
stubborn ; wherefore, presently upon my head and upon
all heads that were dear to me, fell the curse of Rome.
" Since that day, we are avoided, shunned with hor
ror. None has come near this hut to know whether
we live or not. The rest of us were taken down.
Then I roused me and got up, as wife and mother
will. It was little they could have eaten in any case ;
it was less than little they had to eat. But there was
water, and I gave them that. How they craved it !
and how they blessed it ! But the end came yester
day; my strength broke down. Yesterday was the
last time I ever saw my husband and this youngest
child alive. I have lain here all these hours — these
ages, ye may say — listening, listening, for any sound
up there that—
She gave a sharp quick glance at her eldest daugh
ter, then cried out, " Oh, my darling!" and feebly
gathered the stiffening form to her sheltering arms.
She had recognized the death-rattle.
19 CY
CHAPTER XXX
THE TRAGEDY OF THE MANOR-HOUSE
AT midnight all was over, and we sat in the pres
ence of four corpses. We covered them with such
rags as we could find, and started away, fastening the
door behind us. Their home must be these people's
grave, for they could not have Christian burial, or be
admitted to consecrated ground. They were as dogs,
wild beasts, lepers, and no soul that valued its hope of
eternal life would throw it away by meddling in any
sort with these rebuked and smitten outcasts.
We had not moved four steps when I caught a
sound as of footsteps upon gravel. My heart flew to
my throat. We must not be seen coming from that
house. I plucked at the king's robe and we drew
back and took shelter behind the corner of the cabin.
" Now we are safe," I said, " but it was a close call
— so to speak. If the night had been lighter he might
have seen us, no doubt, he seemed to be so near."
" Mayhap it is but a beast and not a man at all."
" True. But man or beast, it will be wise to stay
here a minute and let it get by and out of the way."
" Hark ! It cometh hither."
True again. The step was coming toward us —
straight toward the hut. It must be a beast, then, and
we might as well have saved our trepidation. I was
379
going to step out, but the king laid his hand upon my
arm. There was a moment of silence, then we heard
a soft knock on the cabin door. It made me shiver.
Presently the knock was repeated, and then we heard
these words in a guarded voice :
" Mother ! Father ! Open — we have got free, and
we bring news to pale your cheeks but glad your
hearts ; and we may not tarry, but must fly ! And —
but they answer not. Mother ! father ! — "
I drew the king toward the other end of the hut and
whispered :
" Come — now we can get to the road."
The king hesitated, was going to demur; but just
then we heard the door give way, and knew that those
desolate men were in the presence of their dead.
" Come, my liege ! in a moment they will strike a
light, and then will follow that which it would break
your heart to hear."
He did not hesitate this time. The moment we
were in the road, I ran ; and after a moment he threw
dignity aside and followed. I did not want to think
of what was happening in the hut — I couldn't bear it ;
I wanted to drive it out of my mind ; so I struck into
the first subject that lay under that one in my mind :
" I have had the disease those people died of, and
so have nothing to fear ; but if you have not had it
also—"
He broke in upon me to say he was in trouble, and
it was his conscience that was troubling him :
" These young men have got free, they say — but
how ? It is not likely that their lord hath set them
free."
" Oh, no, I make no doubt they escaped."
280
" That is my trouble ; I have a fear that this is so,
and your suspicion doth confirm it, you having the
same fear."
" I should not call it by that name though. I do
suspect that they escaped, but if they did, I am not
sorry, certainly."
" I am not sorry, I think — but — "
" What is it ? What is there for one to be troubled
about?"
"If they did escape, then are we bound in duty to
lay hands upon them and deliver them again to their
lord ; for it is not seemly that one of his quality
should suffer a so insolent and high-handed outrage
from persons of their base degree."
There it was, again. He could see only one side
of it. He was born so, educated so, his veins were
full of ancestral blood that was rotten with this sort
of unconscious brutality, brought down by inherit
ance from a long procession of hearts that had each
done its share toward poisoning the stream. To im
prison these men without proof, and starve their kin
dred, was no harm, for they were merely peasants
and subject to the will and pleasure of their lord, no
matter what fearful form it might take ; but for these
men to break out of unjust captivity was insult and
outrage, and a thing not to be countenanced by any
conscientious person who knew his duty to his sacred
caste.
I worked more than half an hour before I got him
to change the subject — and even then an outside
matter did it for me. This was a something which
caught our eyes as we struck the summit of a small
hill — a red glow, a good way off.
28l
•'That's a fire," said I.
Fires interested me considerably, because I was
getting a good deal of an insurance business started,
and was also training some horses and building some
steam fire-engines, with an eye to a paid fire depart
ment by-and-by. The priests opposed both my fire
and life insurance, on the ground that it was an in
solent attempt to hinder the decrees of God ; and if
you pointed out that they did not hinder the decrees
in the least, but only modified the hard consequences
of them if you took out policies and had luck, they
retorted that that was gambling against the decrees
of God, and was just as bad. So they managed to
damage those industries more or less, but I got even
on my Accident business. As a rule, a knight is a
lummox, and sometimes even a labrick, and hence
open to pretty poor arguments when they come glibly
from a superstition-monger, but even he could see
the practical side of a thing once in a while ; and so
of late you couldn't clean up a tournament and pile
the result without finding one of my accident-tickets
in every helmet.
We stood there awhile, in the thick darkness and
stillness, looking toward the red blur in the distance,
and trying to make out the meaning of a far-away mur
mur that rose and fell fitfully on the night. Some
times it swelled up and for a moment seemed less
remote ; but when we were hopefully expecting it to
betray its cause and nature, it dulled and sank again,
carrying its mystery with it. We started down the
hill in its direction, and the winding road plunged us
at once into almost solid darkness — darkness that was
packed and crammed in between two tall forest walls.
282
We groped along down for half a mile, perhaps, that
murmur growing more and more distinct all the time,
the coming storm threatening more and more, with
now and then a little shiver of wind, a faint show of
lightning, and dull grumblings of distant thunder. I
was in the lead. I ran against something — a soft heavy
something which gave, slightly, to the impulse of my
weight ; at the same moment the lightning glared out,
and within a foot of my face was the writhing face of
a man who was hanging from the limb of a tree!
That is, it seemed to be writhing, but it was not. It
was a grewsome sight. Straightway there was an ear-
splitting explosion of thunder, and the bottom of
heaven fell out ; the rain poured down in a deluge. No
matter, we must try to cut this man down, on the
chance that there might be life in him yet, mustn't
we ? The lightning came quick and sharp, now, and
the place was alternately noonday and midnight. One
moment the man would be hanging before me in an
intense light, and the next he was blotted out again
in the darkness. I told the king we must c t him
down. The king at once objected.
; If he hanged himself, he was willing to lose his
property to his lord ; so let him be. If others hanged
him, belike they had the right— let him hang."
"But— "
" But me no buts, but even leave him as he is. And
for yet another reason. When the lightning cometh
again — there, look abroad."
Two others hanging, within fifty yards of usf
"It is not weather meet for doing useless courte
sies unto dead folk. They are past thanking you.
Come — it is unprofitable to tarry here."
There was reason in what he said, so we moved on.
Within the next mile we counted six more hanging
forms by the blaze of the lightning, and altogether
it was a grisly excursion. That murmur was a mur
mur no longer, it was a roar ; a roar of men's voices.
A man came flying by, now, dimly through the dark
ness, and other men chasing him. They disappeared.
Presently another case of the kind occurred, and then
another and another. Then a sudden turn of the road
brought us in sight of that fire — it was a large manor-
house, and little or nothing was left of it — and every
where men were flying and other men raging after
them in pursuit.
I warned the king that this was not a safe place for
strangers. We would better get away from the light,
until matters should improve. We stepped back a
little, and hid in the edge pf the wood. From this
hiding-place we saw both men and women hunted
by the mob. The fearful work went on until nearly
dawn. Then, the fire being out and the storm spent,
the \jj-ces and flying footsteps presently ceased, and
darkness and stillness reigned again.
We ventured out, and hurried cautiously away ; and
although we were worn out and sleepy, we kept on
until we had put this place some miles behind us.
Then we asked hospitality at the hut of a charcoal
burner, and got what was to be had. A woman was
up and about, but the man was still asleep, on a straw
shake-down, on the clay floor. The woman seemed
uneasy until I explained that we were travellers and
had lost our way and been wandering in the woods
all night. She became talkative, then, and asked if
we had heard of the terrible goings-on at the manor-
house of Abblasoure. Yes, we had heard of them,
but what we wanted now, was rest and sleep. The
king broke in :
" Sell us the house and take yourselves away, for
we be perilous company, being late come from people
that died of the Spotted Death."
It was good of him, but unnecessary. One of the
commonest decorations of the nation was the waffle*
iron face. I had early noticed that the woman and
her husband were both so decorated. She made us
entirely welcome, and had no fears; and plainly she
was immensely impressed by the king's proposition ;
for of course it was a good deal of an event in her
life to run across a person of the king's humble ap
pearance who was ready to buy a man's house for the
sake of a night's lodging. It gave her a large respect
for us, and she strained the lean possibilities of her
hovel to the utmost to make us comfortable.
We slept till far into the afternoon, and then got
up hungry enough to make cotter fare quite palatable
to the king, the more particularly as it was scant in
quantity. And also in variety ; it consisted solely of
onions, salt, and the national black bread — made out
of horse-feed. The woman told us about the affair of
the evening before. At ten or eleven at night, when
everybody was in bed, the manor-house burst into
flames. The country-side swarmed to the rescue, and
the family were saved, with one exception, the mas
ter. He did not appear. Everybody was frantic over
this loss, and two brave yeomen sacrificed their lives
in ransacking the burning house seeking that valuable
personage. But after a while he was found — what
was left of him — which was his corpse. It was in
a copse three hundred yards away, bound, gagged,
stabbed in a dozen places.
Who had done this ? Suspicion fell upon a humble
family in the neighborhood who had been lately treated
with peculiar harshness by the baron ; and from these
people the suspicion easily extended itself to their
relatives and familiars. A suspicion was enough ; my
lord's liveried retainers proclaimed an instant crusade
against these people, and were promptly joined by the
community in general. The woman's husband had
been active with the mob, and had not returned home
ufitil nearly dawn. He was gone, now, to find out
what the general result had been. While we were
still talking, he came back from his quest. His report
was revolting enough. Eighteen persons hanged or
butchered, and two yeomen and thirteen prisoners lost
in the fire.
"And how many prisoners were there altogether,
in the vaults ?"
" Thirteen."
" Then every one of them was lost ?"
" Yes, all."
" But the people arrived in time to save the family ;
how is it they could save none of the prisoners ?"
The man looked puzzled, and said :
" Would one unlock the vaults at such a time ?
Marry, some would have escaped."
" Then you mean that nobody did unlock them ?"
" None went near them, either to lock or unlock.
It standeth to reason that the bolts were fast ; where
fore it was only needful to establish a watch, so that
if any broke the bonds he might not escape, but be
taken. None were taken."
286
" Natheless, three did escape," said the king, " and-
ye will do well to publish it and set justice upon their
track, for these murthered the baron and fired the
house."
I was just expecting he would come out with that.
For a moment the man and his wife showed an eager
interest in this news and an impatience to go out and
spread it ; than a sudden something else betrayed
itself in their faces, and they began to ask questions.
I answered the questions myself, and narrowly watched
the effects produced. I was soon satisfied that the
knowledge of who these three prisoners were, had
somehow changed the atmosphere ; that our hosts'
continued eagerness to go and spread the news was
now only pretended and not real. The king did not
notice the change, and I was glad of that. I worked
the conversation around toward other details of the
night's proceedings, and noted that these people were
relieved to have it take that direction.
The painful thing observable about all this business
was, the alacrity with which this oppressed commu
nity had turned their cruel hands against their own
class in the interest of the common oppressor. This
man and woman seemed to feel that in a quarrel be
tween a person of their own class and his lord, it was
the natural and proper and rightful thing for that poor
devil's whole caste to side with the master and fight
his battle for him, without ever stopping to inquire
into the rights or wrongs of the matter. This man
had been out helping to hang his neighbors, and had
done his work with zeal, and yet was aware that there
was nothing against them but a mere suspicion, with
nothing back of it describable as evidence, still nei-
287
ther he nor his wife seemed to see anything horrible
about it.
This was depressing — to a man with the dream of a
republic in his head. It reminded me of a time thir
teen centuries away, when the " poor whites " of our
South who were always despised and frequently in
sulted by the slave-lords around them, and who owed
their base condition simply to the presence of slavery
in their midst, were yet pusillanimously ready to side
with the slave-lords in all political moves for the n
holding and perpetuating of slavery, and did also finally
shoulder their muskets and pour out their lives in an
effort to prevent the destruction of that very institu
tion which degraded them. And there was only one
redeeming feature connected with that pitiful piece of
history ; and that was, that secretly the " poor white "
did detest the slave-lord, and did feel his own shame.
That feeling was not brought to the surface, but the,
fact that it was there and could have been brought
out, under favoring circumstances, was something — in*
fact it was enough ; for it showed that a man is at
bottom a man, after all, even if it doesn't show on the
outside.
Well, as it turned out, this charcoal burner was just
the twin of the Southern " poor white " of the far fut
ure. The king presently showed impatience, and said :
"An ye prattle here all the day, justice will mis
carry. Think ye the criminals will abide in their
father's house ? They are fleeing, they are not wait
ing. You should look to it that a party of horse be
set upon their track."
The woman paled slightly, but quite perceptibly,
and the man looked flustered and irresolute. I said:
288
" Come, friend, I will walk a little way with you,
and explain which direction I think they would try
to take. If they were merely resisters of the gabelle
or some kindred absurdity I would try to protect them
from capture ; but when men murder a person of high
degree and likewise burn his house, that is another
matter."
The last remark was for the king — to quiet him.
On the road the man pulled his resolution together,
and began the march with a steady gait, but there
was no eagerness in it. By-and-by I said :
" What relation were these men to you — cousins ?"
He turned as white as his layer of charcoal would
let him, and stopped, trembling.
"Ah, my God, how knew you that ?"
" I didn't know it ; it was a chance guess."
" Poor lads, they are lost. And good lads they were,
too."
" Were you actually going yonder to tell on them ?"
He didn't quite know how to take that ; but he said,
hesitatingly :
" Ye-s."
" Then I think you are a damned scoundrel !"
It made him as glad as if I had called him an
angel.
"Say the good words again, brother! for surely ye
mean that ye would not betray me an I failed of my
duty."
" Duty ? There is no duty in the matter, except
the duty to keep still and let those men get away.
They've done a righteous deed."
He looked pleased ; pleased, and touched with ap
prehension at the same time. He looked up and
289
down the road to see that no one was coming, and
then said in a cautious voice :
" From what land come you, brother, that you
speak such perilous words, and seem not to be afraid?"
" They are not perilous words when spoken to one
of my own caste, I take it. You would not tell any
body I said them ?"
" I ? I would be drawn asunder by wild horses
first."
" Well, then, let me say my say. I have no fears
of your repeating it. I think devil's work has been
done last night upon those innocent poor people.
That old baron got only what he deserved. If I had
my way, all his kind should have the same luck."
Fear and depression vanished from the man's man
ner, and gratefulness and a brave animation took their
place :
" Even though you be a spy, and your words a
trap for my undoing, yet are they such refreshment
that to hear them again and others like to them, I
would go to the gallows happy, as having had one
good feast at least in a starved life. And I will say
my say, now, and ye may report it if ye be so minded.
I helped to hang my neighbors for that it were peril
to my own life to show lack of zeal in the master's
cause ; the others helped for none other reason. All
rejoice to-day that he is dead, but all do go about
seemingly sorrowing, and shedding the hypocrite's
tear, for in that lies safety. I have said the words,
I have said the words ! the only ones that have ever
tasted good in my mouth, and the reward of that
taste is sufficient. Lead on, an ye will, be it even
to the scaffold, for I am ready."
290
r
There it was, you see. A man is a man, at bottom.
Whole ages of abuse and. oppression cannot crush the
manhood clear out of him. Whoever thinks it a
mistake, is himself mistaken. Yes, there is plenty
good enough material for a republic in the most de
graded people that ever existed — even the Russians;
plenty of manhood in them— even in the Germans —
if one could but force it out of its timid and suspi
cious privacy, to overthrow and trample in the mud
any throne that ever was set up and any nobility that
ever supported it. We should see certain things yet,
let us hope and believe. First, a modified monarchy,
till Arthur's days were done, then the destruction of
the throne, nobility abolished, every member of it
bound out to some useful trade, universal suffrage
instituted, and the whole government placed in the
hands of the men and women of the nation there to
remain. Yes, there was no occasion to give up my
dream yet a while.
CHAPTER XXXI
MARCO
WE strolled along in a sufficiently indolent fashion,
now, and talked. We must dispose of about the
amount of time it ought to take to go to the little
hamlet of Abblasoure and put justice on the track of
those murderers and get back home again. And
meantime I had an auxiliary interest which had never
paled yet, never lost its novelty for me, since I had
been in Arthur's kingdom : the behavior — born of nice
and exact subdivisions of caste — of chance passers-by
toward each other. Toward the shaven monk who
trudged along with his cowl tilted back and the sweat
washing down his fat jowls, the coal burner was deep
ly reverent ; to the gentleman he was abject ; with the
small farmer and the free mechanic he was cordial
and gossipy ; and when a slave passed by with a coun
tenance respectfully lowered, this chap's nose was in
the air — he couldn't even see him. Well, there are
times when one would like to hang the whole human
race and finish the farce.
Presently we struck an incident. A small mob of
half-naked boys and girls came tearing out of the
woods, scared and shrieking. The eldest among them
were not more than twelve or fourteen years old.
They implored help, but they were so beside them-
292
selves that we couldn't make out what the matter was.
However, we plunged into the wood, they skurrying
in the lead, and the trouble was quickly revealed :
they had hanged a little fellow with a bark rope, and
he was kicking and struggling, in the process of chok
ing to death. We rescued him, and fetched him
around. It was some more human nature ; the admir
ing little folk imitating their elders; they were play
ing mob, and had achieved a success which promised
to be a good deal more serious than they had bar
gained for.
It was not a dull excursion for me. I managed to
put in the time very well. I made various acquaint
anceships, and in my quality of stranger was able to
ask as many questions as I wanted to. A thing which
naturally interested me, as a statesman, was the mat
ter of wages. I picked up what I could under that
head during the afternoon. A man who hasn't had
much experience, and doesn't think, is apt to measure
a nation's prosperity or lack of prosperity by the mere
size of the prevailing wages : if the wages be high, the
nation is prosperous ; if low, it isn't. Which is an
error. It isn't what sum you get, it's how much you
can buy with it that's the important thing; and it's
that that tells whether your wages are high in fact or
only high in name. I could remember how it was in
the time of our great civil war in the nineteenth cen
tury. In the North a carpenter got three dollars a
day, gold valuation ; in the South he got fifty — paya
ble in Confederate shinplasters worth a dollar a bushel.
In the North a suit of overalls cost three dollars — a
day's wages ; in the South it cost seventy-five — which
was two day's wages. Other things were in proper-
293
tion. Consequently, wages were twice as high in the
North as they were in the South, because the one
wage had that much more purchasing power than the
other had.
Yes, I made various acquaintances in the hamlet,
and a thing that gratified me a good deal was to find
our new coins in circulation — lots of milrays, lots of
mills, lots of cents, a good many nickels, and some sil
ver ; all this among the artisans and commonalty gen
erally ; yes, and even some gold — but that was at the
bank, that is to say, the goldsmith's. I dropped in
there while Marco the son of Marco was haggling with
a shopkeeper over a quarter of a pound of salt, and
asked for change for a twenty dollar gold piece. They
furnished it — that is, after they had chewed the piece,
and rung it on the counter, and tried acid on it, and
asked me where I got it, and who I was, and where I
was from, and where I was going to, and when I ex
pected to get there, and perhaps a couple of hundred
more questions ; and when they got aground, I went
right on and furnished them a lot of information vol
untarily : told them I owned a dog, and his name was
Watch, and my first wife was a Free Will Baptist,
and her grandfather was a Prohibitionist, and I used
to know a man who had two thumbs on each hand and
a wart on the inside of his upper lip, and died in the
hope of a glorious resurrection, and so-on, and so-on,
and so-on, till even that hungry village questioner be
gan to look satisfied, and also a shade put out ; but he
had to respect a man of my financial strength, and so
he didn't give me any lip, but I noticed he took it out
of his underlings, which was a perfectly natural thing
to do. Yes, they changed my twenty, but I judged
20 CY
294
it strained the bank a little, which was a thing to be
expected, for it was the same as walking into a paltry
village store in the nineteenth century and requiring
the boss of it to change a two-thousand-dollar bill for
you all of a sudden. He could do it, maybe ; but at
the same time he would wonder how a small farmer
happened to be carrying so much money around in his
pocket ; which was probably this goldsmith's thought,
too ; for he followed me to the door and stood there
gazing after me with reverent admiration.
Our new money was not only handsomely circulat
ing, but its language was already glibly in use ; that is
to say, people had dropped the names of the former
moneys, and spoke of things as being worth so many
dollars or cents or mills or milrays, now. It was very
gratifying. We were progressing, that was sure.
I got to know several master mechanics, but about
the most interesting fellow among them was the black
smith, Dowley. He was a live man and a brisk talk
er, and had two journeymen and three apprentices,
and was doing a raging business. In fact, lie was get
ting rich, hand over fist, and was vastly respected.
Marco was very proud of having such a man for a
friend. He had taken me there ostensibly to let me
see the big establishment which bought so much of
his charcoal, but really to let me see what easy and
almost familiar terms he was on with this great man.
Dowley and I fraternized at once; I had had just such
picked men, splendid fellows, under me in the Colt
Arms Factory. I was bound to see more of him, so I
invited him to come out to Marco's, Sunday, and dine
with us. Marco was appalled, and held his breath ;
and when the grandee accepted, he was so grateful
295
that he almost forgot to be astonished at the conde
scension.
Marco's joy was exuberant — but only for a mo
ment ; then he grew thoughtful, then sad ; and when
he heard me tell Dowley I should have Dickon the
boss mason, and Smug the boss wheelwright out
there, too, the coal-dust on his face turned to chalk,
and he lost his grip. But I knew what was the
matter with him ; it was the expense. He saw ruin
before him ; he judged that his financial days were
numbered. However, on our way to invite the others,
I said :
" You must allow me to have these friends come ;
and you must also allow me to pay the costs."
His face cleared, and he said with spirit :
" But not all of it, not all of it. Ye cannot well
bear a burden like to this alone."
I stopped him, and said :
" Now let's understand each other on the spot, old
friend. I am only a farm bailiff, it is true ; but I am
not poor, nevertheless. I have been very fortunate
this year — you would be astonished to know how I
have thriven. I tell you the honest truth when I say
I could squander away as many as a dozen feasts like
this and never care that for the expense!" and I
snapped my fingers. I could see myself rise a foot
at a time in Marco's estimation, and when I fetched
out those last words I was become a very tower, for
style and altitude. " So you see, you must let me
have my way. You can't contribute a cent to this
orgy, that's settled''
" It's grand and good of you — "
" No, it isn't. You've opened your house to Jones
296
and me in the most generous way ; Jones was remark
ing upon it to-day, just before you came back from
the village ; for although he wouldn't be likely to say
such a thing to you, — because Jones isn't a talker,
and is diffident in society — he has a good heart and
a grateful, and knows how to appreciate it when he is
well treated ; yes, you and your wife have been very
hospitable toward us — "
" Ah, brother, 'tis nothing — such hospitality !"
" But it is something ; the best a man has, freely
given, is always something, and is as good as a prince
can do, and ranks right along beside it — for even a
prince can but do his best. And so we'll shop around
and get up this layout, now, and don't you worry
about the expense. I'm one of the worst spendthrifts
that ever was born. Why, do you know, sometimes
in a single week I spend — but never mind about
that — you'd never believe it anyway."
And so we went gadding along, dropping in here
and there, pricing things, and gossiping with the shop
keepers about the riot, and now and then running
across pathetic reminders of it, in the persons of
shunned and tearful and houseless remnants of fam
ilies whose homes had been taken from them and
their parents butchered or hanged. The raiment of
Marco and his wife was of coarse tow-linen and linsey-
woolsey respectively, and resembled township maps,
it being made up pretty exclusively of patches which
had been added, township by township, in the course
of five or six years, until hardly a hand's-breadth of
the original garments was surviving and present. Now
I wanted to fit these people out with new suits, on
account of that swell company, and I didn't know
297
just how to get at it with delicacy, until at last it
struck me that as I had already been liberal in invent
ing wordy gratitude for the king, it would be just
the thing to back it up with evidence of a substantial
sort ; so I said :
" And Marco, there's another thing which you must
permit — out of kindness for Jones — because you
wouldn't want to offend him. He was very anxious
to testify his appreciation in some way, but he is so
diffident he couldn't venture it himself, and so he
begged me to buy some little things and give them
to you and Dame Phyllis and let him pay for them
without your ever knowing they came from him — you
know how a delicate person feels about that sort of
thing — and so I said I would, and we would keep
mum. Well, his idea was, a new outfit of clothes for
you both — "
" Oh, it is wastefulness ! It may not be, brother, it
may not be. Consider the vastness of the sum —
" Hang the vastness of the sum! Try to keep quiet
for a moment, and see how it would seem; a body
can't get in a word edgeways, you talk so much. You
ought to cure that, Marco ; it isn't good form, you
know, and it will grow on you if you don't check it.
Yes, we'll step in here, now, and price this man's
stuff — and don't forget to remember to not let on to
Jones that you know he had anything to do with it.
You can't think how curiously sensitive and proud
he is. He's a farmer — pretty fairly well-to-do farmer —
and I'm his bailiff; but — the imagination of that man !
Why, sometimes when he forgets himself and gets to
blowing off, you'd think he was one of the swells of
the earth ; and you might listen to him a hundred
298
years and never take him for a farmer — especially if
he talked agriculture. He thinks he's a Sheol of a
farmer; thinks he's old Grayback from Wayback ; but
between you and me privately he don't know as much
about farming as he does about running a kingdom —
still, whatever he talks about, you want to drop your
underjaw and listen, the same as if you had never
heard such incredible wisdom in all your life before,
and were afraid you might die before you got enough
of it. That will please Jones."
It tickled Marco to the marrow to hear about such
an odd character; but it also prepared him for acci
dents ; and in my experience when you travel with a
king who is letting on to be something else and can't
remember it more than about half the time, you can't
take too many precautions.
This was the best store we had come across yet ;
it had everything in it, in small quantities, from anvils
and dry goods all the way down to fish and pinchbeck
jewelry. I concluded I would bunch my whole in
voice right here, and not go pricing around any more.
So I got rid of Marco, by sending him off to invite
the mason and the wheelwright, which left the field
free to me. For I never care to do a thing in a
quiet way ; it's got to be theatrical or I don't take
any interest in it. I showed up money enough, in a
careless way, to corral the shopkeeper's respect, and
then I wrote down a list of the things I wanted, and
handed it to him to sec if he could read it. He could,
and was proud to show that he could. He said he
had been educated by a priest, and could both read
and write. He ran it through, and remarked with
satisfaction that it was a pretty heavy bill. Well, and
299
so it was, for a little concern like that. I was not
only providing a swell dinner, but some odds and ends
of extras. I ordered that the things be carted out
and delivered at the dwelling of Marco the son of1
Marco by Saturday evening, and send me the bill at
dinner-time Sunday. He said I could depend upon
his promptness and exactitude, it was the rule of the
house. He also observed that he would throw in a
couple of miller-guns for the Marcos gratis — that
everybody was using them now. He had a mighty
opinion of that clever device. I said :
" And please fill them up to the middle mark, too ;
and add that to the bill."
He would, with pleasure. He filled them, and I
took them with me. I couldn't venture to tell him
that the miller-gun was a little invention of my own,
and that I had officially ordered that every shopkeeper
in the kingdom keep them on hand and sell them at
government price — which was the merest trifle, and
the shopkeeper got that, not the government. We
furnished them for nothing.
The king had hardly missed us when we got back at
nightfall. He had early dropped again into his dream
of a grand invasion of Gaul with the whole strength
of his kingdom at his back, and the afternoon had
slipped away without his ever coming to himself
again.
CHAPTER XXXII
DOWLEY'S HUMILIATION
WELL, when that cargo arrived, toward sunset, Sat
urday afternoon, I had my hands full to keep the Mar
cos from fainting. They were sure Jones and I were
ruined past help, and they blamed themselves as ac
cessories to this bankruptcy. You see, in addition to the
dinner-materials, which called for a sufficiently round
sum, I had bought a lot of extras for the future com
fort of the family : for instance, a big lot of wheat, a
delicacy as rare to the tables of their class as was
ice-cream to a hermit's; also a sizeable deal dinner-
table ; also two entire pounds of salt, which was an
other piece of extravagance in those people's eyes ; also
crockery, stools, the clothes, a small cask of beer, and
so on. I instructed the Marcos to keep quiet about
this sumptuousness, so as to give me a chance to sur
prise the guests and show off a little. Concerning the
new clothes, the simple couple were like children ;
they were up and down, all night, to see if it wasn't
nearly daylight, so that they could put them on, and
they were into them at last as much as an hour before
dawn was due. Then their pleasure — not to say de
lirium — was so fresh and novel and inspiring that the
sight of it paid me well for the interruptions which
my sleep had suffered. The king had slept just as
3QI
usual — like the dead. The Marcos could not thank
him for their clothes, that being forbidden ; but they
tried every way they could think of to make him see
how grateful they were. Which all went for nothing :
he didn't notice any change.
It turned out to be one of those rich and rare fall
days which is just a June day toned down to a degree
where it is heaven to be out of doors. Toward noon
the guests arrived and we assembled under a great
tree and were soon as sociable as old acquaintances.
Even the king's reserve melted a little, though it was
some little trouble to him to adjust himself to the
name of Jones along at first. I had asked him to try
to not forget that he was a farmer; but I had also
considered it prudent to ask him to let the thing
stand at that, and not elaborate it any. Because he
was just the kind of person you could depend on to
spoil a little thing like that if you didn't warn him,
his tongue was so handy, and his spirit so willing, and
his information so uncertain.
Dowley was in fine feather, and I early got him
started, and then adroitly worked him around onto
his own history for a text and himself for a hero, and
then it was good to sit there and hear him hum. Self-
made man, you know. They know how to talk. They
do deserve more credit than any other breed of men,
yes, that is true ; and they are among the very first to
find it out, too. He told how he had begun life an
orphan lad without money and without friends able
to help him ; how he had lived as the slaves of the
meanest master lived ; how his day's work was from
sixteen to eighteen hours long, and yielded him only
enough black bread to keep hirb in a half-fed con-
3Q2
dition ; how his faithful endeavors finally attracted
the attention of a good blacksmith, who came near
knocking him dead with kindness by suddenly offer
ing, when he was totally unprepared, to take him as
his bound apprentice for nine years and give him
board and clothes and teach him the trade — or " mys
tery" as Dowley called it. That was his first great
rise, his first gorgeous stroke of fortune ; and you saw
that he couldn't yet speak of it without a sort of elo
quent wonder and delight that such a gilded promo
tion should have fallen to the lot of a common human
being. He got no new clothing during his apprentice
ship, but on his graduation day his master tricked him
out in spang-new tow-linens and made him feel un
speakably rich and fine.
"I remember me of that day!" the wheelwright
sang out, with enthusiasm.
" And I likewise !" cried the mason. " I would not
believe they were thine own ; in faith I could not."
" Nor others !" shouted Dowley, with sparkling eyes.
" I was like to lose my character, the neighbors
wending I had mayhap been stealing. It was a
great day, a great day ; one forgetteth not days like
that."
Yes, and his master was a fine man, and prosperous,
and always had a great feast of meat twice in the
year, and with it white bread, true wheaten bread ;
in fact, lived like a lord, so to speak. And in time
Dowley succeeded to the business and married the
daughter.
" And now consider what is come to pass," said he,
impressively. " Two times in every month there is
fresh meat upon my table." He made a pause here,
3Q3
to let that fact sink home, then added — " and eight
times, salt meat."
" It is even true," said the wheelwright, with bated
breath.
" I know it of mine own knowledge," said the mason,
in the same reverent fashion.
" On my table appeareth white bread every Sunday
in the year," added the master smith, with solemnity.
" I leave it to your own consciences, friends, if this is
not also true ?"
" By my head, yes !" cried the mason.
" I can testify it — and I do," said the wheelwright.
" And as to furniture, ye shall say yourselves what
mine equipment is." He waved his hand in fine gest
ure of granting frank and unhampered freedom of
speech, and added : " Speak as ye are moved ; speak
as ye would speak an I were not here."
" Ye have five stools, and of the sweetest workman
ship at that, albeit your family is but three," said the
wheelwright, with deep respect.
" And six wooden goblets, and six platters of wood
and two of pewter to eat and drink from withal,"
said the mason, impressively. " And I say it as know
ing God is my judge, and we tarry not here alway,
but must answer at the last day for the things said in
the body, be they false or be they sooth."
" Now ye know what manner of man I am, brother
Jones," said the smith, with a fine and friendly conde
scension, "and doubtless ye would look to find me a
man jealous of his due of respect and but sparing of
outgo to strangers till their rating and quality be as
sured, but trouble yourself not, as concerning that ; wit
ye well ye shall find me a man that regardeth not these
304
matters but is willing to receive any he as his fellow
and equal that carrieth a right heart in his body, be
his worldly estate howsoever modest. And in token
of it, here is my hand ; and I say with my own mouth
we are equals — equals " — and he smiled around on the
company with the satisfaction of a god who is doing
the handsome and gracious thing and is quite well
aware of it.
The king took the hand with a poorly disguised
reluctance, and let go of it as willingly as a lady lets
go of a fish ; all of which had a good effect, for it
was mistaken for an embarrassment natural to one
who was being beamed upon by greatness.
The dame brought out the table, now, and set it
under the tree. It caused a visible stir of surprise,
it being brand new and a sumptuous article of deal.
But the surprise rose higher still, when the dame, with
a body oozing easy indifference at every pore, but
eyes that gave it all away by absolutely flaming with
vanity, slowly unfolded an actual simon-pure table
cloth and spread it. That was a notch above even
the blacksmith's domestic grandeurs, and it hit him
hard ; you could see it. But Marco was in Paradise ;
you could see that, too. Then the dame brought two
fine new stools — whew ! that was a sensation ; it was
visible in the eyes of every guest. Then she brought
two more — as calmly as she could. Sensation again —
with awed murmurs. Again she brought two — walk
ing on air, she was so proud. The guests were petri
fied, and the mason muttered :
" There is that about earthly pomps which doth
ever move to reverence."
As the dame turned away, Marco couldn't help
THE FEAST
305
slapping on the climax while the thing was hot; so
he said with what was meant for a languid composure
but was a poor imitation of it :
" These suffice ; leave the rest/'
So there were more yet ! It was a fine effect. I
couldn't have played the hand better myself.
From this out, the madam piled up the surprises
with a rush that fired the general astonishment up
to a hundred and fifty in the shade, and at the same
time paralyzed expression of it down to gasped
" Oil's '' and " Ah's," and mute upliftings of hands and
eyes. She fetched crockery — new, and plenty of it ;
new wooden goblets and other table furniture; and
beer, fish, chicken, a goose, eggs, roast beef, roast mut
ton, a ham, a small roast pig, and a wealth of genuine
white wheaten bread. Take it by and large, that
spread laid everything far and away in the shade that
ever that crowd had seen before. And while they sat
there just simply stupefied with wonder and awe, I
sort of waved my hand as if by accident, and the
store-keeper's son emerged from space and said he had
come to collect.
" That's all right," I said, indifferently. " What is
the amount ? give us the items."
Then he read off this bill, while those three amazed
men listened, and serene waves of satisfaction rolled
over my soul and alternate waves of terror and admi
ration surged over Marco's :
2 pounds salt 200
8 dozen pints beer, in the wood 800
3 bushels wheat 2,700
2 pounds fish 100
3 hens 400
306
i goose 400
3 dozen eggs 150
i roast of beef 450
i " " mutton 400
i ham 800
1 sucking pig 500
2 crockery dinner sets 6,000
2 men's suits and underwear 2,800
i stuff and i linsey-woolsey gown and un
derwear i, 600
8 wooden goblets 800
Various table furniture 10,000
1 deal table 3,000
8 stools 4,000
2 miller-guns, loaded 3,000
He ceased. There was a pale and awful silence.
Not a limb stirred. Not a nostril betrayed the pas
sage of breath.
" Is that all?" I asked, in a voice of the most per
fect calmness.
" All, fair sir, save that certain matters of light mo
ment are placed together under a head hight sundries.
If it would like you, I will sepa — "
" It is of no consequence," I said, accompanying the
words with a gesture of the most utter indifference ;
" give me the grand total, please."
The clerk leaned against the tree to stay himself,
and said :
" Thirty-nine thousand one hundred and fifty mil-
rays !"
The wheelwright fell off his stool, the others grabbed
the table to save themselves, and there was a deep and
general ejaculation of —
" God be with us in the day of disaster !"
3Q7
The clerk hastened to say :
" My father chargeth me to say he cannot honora
bly require you to pay it all at this time, and therefore
only prayeth you — "
I paid no more heed than if it were the idle breeze,
but with an air of indifference amounting almost to
weariness, got out my money and tossed four dollars
onto the table. Ah, you should have seen them stare !
The clerk was astonished and charmed. He asked
me to retain one of the dollars as security, until he
could go to town and— I interrupted :
"What, and fetch back nine cents? Nonsense.
Take the whole. Keep the change."
There was an amazed murmur to this effect:
" Verily this being is made of money ! He throweth
it away even as it were dirt."
The blacksmith was a crushed man.
The clerk took his money and reeled away drunk
with fortune. I said to Marco and his wife :
" Good folk, here is a little trifle for you " — handing
the miller-guns as if it were a matter of no conse
quence though each of them contained fifteen cents
in solid cash ; and while the poor creatures went to
pieces with astonishment and gratitude, I turned to
the others and said as calmly as one would ask the
time of day :
" Well, if we are all ready, I judge the dinner is.
Come, fall to."
Ah, well, it was immense ; yes, it was a daisy. I
don't know that I ever put a situation together better,
or got happier spectacular effects out of the materials
available. The blacksmith — well, he was simply
mashed. Land ! I wouldn't have felt what that man
3Q8
was feeling, for anything in the world. Here he had
been blowing and bragging about his grand meat-feast
twice a year, and his fresh meat twice a month, and
his salt meat twice a week, and his white bread every
Sunday the year round — all for a family of three ; the
entire cost for the year not above 69.2.6 (sixty-nine
cents, two mills and six milrays,) and all of a sudden
here comes along a man who slashes out nearly four
dollars on a single blow-out ; and not only that, but
acts as if it made him tired to handle such small sums.
Yes, Dowley was a good deal wilted, and shrunk-up
and collapsed ; he had the aspect of a bladder-balloon
that's been stepped on by a cow.
CHAPTER XXXIII
SIXTH CENTURY POLITICAL ECONOMY
HOWEVER, I made, a dead set at him, and before
the first third of the dinner was reached, I had him
happy again. It was easy to do — in a country of
ranks and castes. You see, in a country where they
have ranks and castes, a man isn't ever a man, he is
only part of a man, he can't ever get his full growth.
You prove your superiority over him in station, or
rank, or fortune, and that's the end of it — he knuckles
down. You can't insult him after that. No, I don't
mean quite that ; of course you can insult him, I only
mean it's difficult ; and so, unless you've got a lot of
useless time on your hands it doesn't pay to try. I
had the smith's reverence, now, because I was appar
ently immensely prosperous and rich ; I could have
had his adoration if I had had some little gimcrack
title of nobility. And not only his, but any common
er's in the land, though he were the mightiest pro
duction of all the ages, in intellect, worth, and char
acter, and I bankrupt in all three. This was to remain
so, as long as England should exist in the earth. With
the spirit of prophecy upon me, I could look into the
future and see her erect statues and monuments to
her unspeakable Georges and other royal and noble
clothes-horses, and leave unhonored the creators of
21 CY
this world — after God — Gutenburg, Watt, Arkwright,
Whitney, Morse, Stephenson, Bell.
The king got his cargo aboard, and then, the talk
not turning upon battle, conquest, or iron-clad duel,
he dulled down to drowsiness and went off to take a
nap. Mrs. Marco cleared the table, placed the beer-
keg handy, and went away to eat her dinner of leav
ings in humble privacy, and the rest of us soon drifted
into matters near and dear to the hearts of our sort
—business and wages, of course. At a first glance,
things appeared to be exceeding prosperous in this
little tributary kingdom — whose lord was King Bag-
demagus — as compared with the state of things in
my own region. They had the " protection " system
in full force here, whereas we were working along
down towards free-trade, by easy stages, and were
now about half way. before long, Dowley and I were
doing all the talking, the others hungrily listening.
Dowley warmed to his work, snuffed an advantage
in the air, and began to put questions which he con
sidered pretty awkward ones for me, and they did
have something of that look :
" In your country, brother, what is the wage of a
master bailiff, master hind, carter, shepherd, swine
herd ?"
" Twenty-five milrays a day ; that is to say, a quar
ter of a cent."
The smith's face beamed with joy. He said :
" With us they are allowed the double of it ! And
what may a mechanic get — carpenter, dauber, masorv,
painter, blacksmith, wheelwright and the like?"
" On the average, fifty milrays ; half a cent a day."
" Ho-ho ! With us they are allowed a hundred !
3" *
With us any good mechanic is allowed a cent a day !
I count out the tailor, but not the others — they are
all allowed a cent a day, and in driving times they
get more- -yes, up to a hundred and ten and even
fifteen milrays a day. I've paid a hundred and fif
teen myself, within the week. 'Rah for protection —
to Sheol with free-trade !"
And his face shone upon the company like a sun
burst. But I didn't scare at all. I rigged up my
pile-driver, and allowed myself fifteen minutes to
drive him into the earth — drive him all in — drive him
in till not even the curve of his skull should show above
ground. Here is the way I started in on him. I asked :
" What do you pay a pound for salt?"
" A hundred milrays."
" We pay forty. What do you pay for beef and
mutton — when you buy it ?" That was a neat hit ; it
made the color come.
" It varieth somewhat, but not much ; one may say
75 milrays the pound."
" We pay 33. What do you pay for eggs ?"
" Fifty milrays the dozen."
" We pay 20. What do you pay for beer?"
" It costeth us 8£ milrays the pint."
" We get it for 4 ; 25 bottles for a cent. What do
you pay for wheat ?"
" At the rate of 900 milrays the bushel."
" We pay 400. What do you pay for a man's tow-
linen suit ?"
" Thirteen cents."
" We pay 6. What do you pay for a stuff gown
for the wife of the laborer or the mechanic ?"
" We pay 8.4.0."
312
" Well, observe the difference : you pay eight cents
and four mills, we pay only four cents." I prepared,
now, to sock it to him. I said : " Look aere, dear
friend, what's become of your high wages you were
bragging so about, a few minutes ago?" — and I looked
around on the company with placid satisfaction, for
I had slipped up on him gradually and tied him
hand and foot, you see, without his ever noticing
that he was being tied at all. " What's become of
those noble high wages of yours? — I seem to have
knocked the stuffing all out of them, it appears
to me."
But if you will believe me, he merely looked sur
prised, that is all ! he didn't grasp the situation at all,
didn't know he had walked into a trap, didn't dis
cover that he was in a trap. I could have shot him,
from sheer vexation. With cloudy eye and a strug
gling intellect, he fetched this out:
" Marry, I seem not to understand. It is proved
that our wages be double thine ; how then may it be
that thou'st knocked therefrom the stuffing ? — an I
miscall not the wonderly word, this being the first
time under grace and providence of God it hath been
granted me to hear it."
Well, I was stunned; partly with this unlooked-for
stupidity on his part, and partly because his fellows
so manifestly sided with him and were of his mind —
if you might call it mind. My position was simple
enough, plain enough ; how could it ever be simplified
more? However, I must try :
" Why, look here, brother Dowley, don't you see ?
Your wages are merely higher than ours in name, not
in fact."
313
" Hear him ! They are the double — ye have con
fessed it yourself."
" Yes-yes, I don't deny that at all. But that's got
nothing to do with it ; the amount of the wages in
mere coins, with meaningless names attached to them
to know them by, has got nothing to do with it. The
thing is, how much can you buy with your wages ? —
that's the idea. While it is true that with you a
good mechanic is allowed about three dollars and a
half a year, and with us only about a dollar and
seventy-five — "
" There — ye're confessing it again, ye're confessing
it again !"
44 Confound it, I've never denied it I tell you !
What I say is this. With us half a dollar buys more
than a dollar buys with you — and tlicrefore it stands
to reason and the commonest kind of common-sense,
that our wages are higher than yours."
He looked dazed, and said, despairingly :
" Verily, I cannot make it out. Ye've just said
ours are the higher, and with the same breath ye
take it back."
" Oh, great Scott, isn't it possible to get such a
simple thing through your head? Now look here —
let me illustrate. We pay four cents for a woman's
stuff gown, you pay 8.4.0, which is four mills more
than double. What do you allow a laboring woman
who works on a farm ?"
" Two mills a day."
44 Very good ; we allow but half as much ; we pay
her only a tenth of a cent a day ; and — "
" Again ye're conf — "
" Wait ! Now, you see, the thing is very simple ;
3U
this time you'll understand it. For instance, it takes
your woman 42 days to earn her gown, at 2 mills a
day — 7 weeks' work; but ours earns hers in forty days
— two days short of 7 weeks. Your woman has a
gown, and her whole seven weeks' wages are gone ; ours
has a gown, and two days' wages left, to buy some
thing else with. There — now you understand it !"
He looked — well, he merely looked dubious, it's
the most I can say; so did the others. I waited —
to let the thing work. Dowley spoke at last — and
betrayed the fact that he actually hadn't gotten away
from his rooted and grounded superstitions yet. He
said, with a trifle of hesitancy:
" But — but — ye cannot fail to grant that two mills
a day is better than one."
Shucks ! Well, of course I hated to give it up.
So I chanced another flyer:
" Let us suppose a case. Suppose one of your
journeymen goes out and buys the following articles :
" I pound of salt;
i dozen eggs ;
I dozen pints of beer;
I bushel of wheat ;
I tow-linen suit ;
5 pounds of beef ;
5 pounds of mutton.
"The lot will cost him 32 cents. It takes him 32
working days to earn the money — 5 weeks and 2 days.
Let him come to us and work 32 days at half the
wages ; he can buy all those things for a shade under
14^ cents ; they will cost him a shade under 29 days'
work, and he will have about half a week's wages
over. Carry it through the year ; he would save near-
ly a week's wages every two months, your man noth
ing; thus saving five or six weeks' wages in a year,
your man not a cent. Now I reckon you understand
that ' high wages ' and ' low wages ' are phrases that
don't mean anything in the world until you find out
which of them will buy the most !"
It was a crusher.
But alas, it didn't crush. No, I had to give it up.
What those people valued was high wages ; it didn't
seem to be a matter of any consequence to them
whether the high wages would buy anything or not.
They stood for " protection," and swore by it, which
was reasonable enough, because interested parties had
gulled them into the notion that it was protection
which had created their high wages. I proved to
them that in a quarter of a century their wages had
advanced but 30 per cent., while the cost of living had
gone up 100; and that with us, in a shorter time,
wages had advanced 40 per cent, while the cost of
living had gone steadily down. But it didn't do any
good. Nothing could unseat their strange beliefs.
Well, I was smarting under a sense of defeat. Un
deserved defeat, but what of that ? That didn't soft
en the smart any. And to think of the circumstances!
the first statesman of the age, the capablest man, the
best-informed man in the entire world, the loftiest un
crowned head that had moved through the clouds of
any political firmament for centuries, sitting here ap
parently defeated in argument by an ignorant coun
try blacksmith I And I could see that those others
were sorry for me ! — which made me blush till I could
smell my whiskers scorching. Put yourself in my
place; feel as mean as I did, as ashamed as I felt —
wouldn't you have struck below the belt to get even ?
Yes, you would ; it is simply human nature. Well,
that is what I did. I am not trying to justify it ; I'm
only saying that I was mad, and anybody would have
done it.
Well, when I make up my mind to hit a man, I
don't plan out a love-tap ; no, that isn't my way ; as
long as I'm going to hit him at all, I'm going to hit
him a lifter. And I don't jump at him all of a sud
den, and risk making a blundering half-way business
of it ; no, I get away off yonder to one side, and work
up on him gradually, so that he never suspects that
I'm going to hit him at all ; and by-and-by, all in a
flash, he's flat of his back, and he can't tell for the life
of him how it all happened. That is the way I went
for brother Dowley. I started to talking lazy and
comfortable, as if I was just talking to pass the
time ; and the oldest man in the world couldn't have
taken the bearings of my starting place and guessed
where I was going to fetch up :
" Boys, there's a good many curious things about
law, and custom, and usage, and all that sort of thing,
when you come to look at it ; yes, and about the drift
and progress of human opinion and movement, too.
There are written laws — they perish ; but there are
also unwritten laws — -they are eternal. Take the un
written law of wages : it says they've got to advance,
little by little, straight through the centuries. And
notice how it works. We know what wages are now,
here and there and yonder ; we strike an average, and
say that's the wages of to-day. We know what the
wages were a hundred years ago, and what they were
two hundred years ago ; that's as far back as we can
317
get, but it suffices to give us the law of progress, the
measure and rate of the periodical augmentation ; and
so, without a document to help us, we can come pretty
close to determining what the wages were three and
four and five hundred years ago. Good, so far. Do
we stop there? No. We stop looking backward;
we face around and apply the law to the future. My
friends, I can tell you what people's wages are going
to be at any date in the future you want to know, for
hundreds and hundreds of years."
'* What, goodman, what !"
" Yes. In seven hundred years wages will have
risen to six times what they are now, here in your
region, and farm hands will be allowed 3 cents a day,
and mechanics 6."
" I would I might die now and live then !" inter
rupted Smug the wheelwright, with a fine avaricious
glow in his eye.
" And that isn't all ; they'll get their board besides
— such as it is: it won't bloat them. Two hundred
and fifty years later — pay attention, now — a mechan
ic's wages will be — mind you, this is law, not guess
work ; a mechanic's wages will then be twenty cents
a day !"
There was a general gasp of awed astonishment.
Dickon the mason murmured, with raised eyes and
hands :
" More than three weeks' pay for one day's work !"
<l Riches ! — of a truth, yes, riches !" muttered Mar
co, his breath coming quick and short, with excite
ment.
" Wages will keep on rising, little by little, little by
little, as steadily as a tree grows, and at the end of
3*8
three hundred and forty years more there'll be at least
one country where the mechanic's average wage will be
two hundred cents a day !"
It knocked them absolutely dumb ! Not a man of
them could get his breath for upwards of two minutes.
Then the coal burner said prayerfully :
" Might I but live to see it !"
" It is the income of an earl!" said Smug.
" An earl, say ye ?" said Dowley ; " ye could say more
than that and speak no lie ; there's no earl in the realm
of Bagdemagus that hath an income like to that. In
come of an earl — mf ! it's the income of an angel !"
" Now then, that is what is going to happen as re
gards wages. In that remote day, that man will earn,
with one week's work, that bill of goods which it takes
you upwards of fifty weeks to earn now. Some other
pretty surprising things are going to happen, too.
Brother Dowley, who is it that determines, every
spring, what the particular wage of each kind of me
chanic, laborer, and servant shall be for that year?"
" Sometimes the courts, sometimes the town coun
cil ; but most of all, the magistrate. Ye may say, in
general terms, it is the magistrate that fixes the
wages."
" Doesn't ask any of those poor devils to help him
fix their wages for them, does he ?"
" Hm ! That were an idea! The master that's to
pay him the money is the one that's rightly concerned
in that matter, ye will notice."
" Yes — but I thought the other man might have
some little trifle at stake in it, too ; and even his wife
and children, poor creatures. The masters are these :
nobles, rich men, the prosperous generally. These
319
few, who do no work, determine what pay the vast
hive shall have who do work. You see? They're a
' combine ' — a trade union, to coin a new phrase —
who band themselves together to force their lowly
brother to take what they choose to give. Thirteen
hundred years hence — so says the unwritten law — the
' combine ' will be the other way, and then how these
fine people's posterity will fume and fret and grit their
teeth over the insolent tyranny of trade unions! Yes
indeed ! the magistrate will tranquilly arrange the
wages from now clear away down into the nineteenth
century; and then all of a sudden the wage -earner
will consider that a couple of thousand years or so is
enough of this one-sided sort of thing ; and he will
rise up and take a hand in fixing his wages himself.
Ah, he will have a long and bitter account of wrong
and humiliation to settle."
" Do ye believe—
" That he actually will help to fix his own wages?
Yes, indeed. And he will be strong and able, then."
" Brave times, brave times, of a truth !" sneered the
prosperous smith.
" Oh,— and there's another detail. In that day, a
master may hire a man for only just one day, or one
week, or one month at a time, if he wants to."
"What?"
" It's true. Morever. a magistrate won't be able to
force a man to work for a master a whole year on a
stretch whether the man wants to or not."
" Will there be no law or sense in that day.""
" Both of them, Dowley. In that day a man will
be his own property, not the property of magistrate
and master. And he can leave town whenever he
32Q
wants to, if the wages don't suit him ! — and they can't
put him in the pillory for it."
" Perdition catch such an age !" shouted Dowley,
in strong indignation. " An age of dogs, an age bar
ren of reverence for superiors and respect for author
ity! The pillory — "
" Oh, wait, brother ; say no good word for that in
stitution. / think the pillory ought to be abol
ished."
"A most strange idea. Why?"
" Well, I'll tell you why. Is a man ever put in the
pillory for a capital crime?"
"No."
" Is it right to condemn a man to a slight punish
ment for a small offence and then kill him ?"
There was no answer. I had scored my first point !
For the first time, the smith wasn't up and ready.
The company noticed it. Good effect.
" You don't answer, brother. You were about to
glorify the pillory a while ago, and shed some pity on
a future age that isn't going to use it. / think the
pillory ought to be abolished. What usually happens
when a poor fellow is put in the pillory for some
little offence that didn't amount to anything in the
world? The mob try to have some fun with him,
don't they ?"
" Yes."
"They begin by clodding him; and they laugh
themselves to pieces to see him try to dodge one
clod and get hit with another?"
"Yes."
" Then they throw dead cats at him, don't they?"
"Yes."
321
"Well, then, suppose he has a few personal ene
mies in that mob — and here and there a man or a
woman with a secret grudge against him — and sup
pose especially that he is unpopular in the com
munity, for his pride, or his prosperity, or one thing
or another — stones and bricks take the place of clods
and cats presently, don't they?"
"There is no doubt of it."
" As a rule he is crippled for life, isn't he ? — jaws
broken, teeth smashed out? — or legs mutilated, gan
grened, presently cut off? — or an eye knocked out,
maybe both eyes ?"
" It is true, God knoweth it."
" And if he is unpopular he can depend on dying,
right there in the stocks, can't he ?"
" He surely can ! One may not deny it."
" I take it none of yon are unpopular — by reason of
pride or insolence, or conspicuous prosperity, or any
of those things that excite envy and malice among
the base scum of a village ? You wouldn't think it
much of a risk to take a chance in the stocks?"
Dowley winced, visibly. Tjudged he was hit. But
he didn't betray it by any spoken word. As for the
others, they spoke out plainly, and with strong feel
ing. They said they had seen enough of the stocks
to know what a man's chance in them was, and they
would never consent to enter them if they could com
promise on a quick death by hanging.
"Well, to change the subject — for I think I've es
tablished my point that the stocks ought to be
abolished. I think some of our laws are pretty unfair.
For instance, if I do a thing which ought to deliver me
to the stocks, and you know I did it and yet keep
3*2
still and don't report me, you will get the stocks if
anybody informs on you."
" Ah, but that would serve you but right," said
Dowley, " for you must inform. So saith the law."
The others coincided.
" Well, all right, let it go, since you vote me down.
But there's one thing which certainly isn't fair. The
magistrate fixes a mechanic's wage at I cent a day,
for instance. The law says that if any master shall
venture even under utmost press of business, to pay
anything over that cent a day, even for a single day,
he shall be both fined and pilloried for it ; and who
ever knows he did it and doesn't inform, they also
shall be fined and pilloried. Now it seems to me un
fair, Dowley, and a deadly peril to all of us, that be
cause you thoughtlessly confessed, a while ago, that
within a week you have paid a cent and fifteen
mil — "
Oh, I tell you it was a smasher ! You ought to have
seen them go to pieces, the whole gang. I had just
slipped up on poor smiling and complacent Dowley so
nice and easy and softly, that he never suspected any
thing was going to happen till the blow came crash
ing down and knocked him all to rags.
A fine effect. In fact as fine as any I ever pro
duced, with so little time to work it up in.
But I saw in a moment that I had overdone the
thing a little. I was expecting to scare them, but I
wasn't expecting to scare them to death. They
were mighty near it, though. You see they had been
a whole lifetime learning to appreciate the pillory;
and to have that thing staring them in the face, and
every one of them distinctly at the mercy of me, a
stranger, if I chose to go and report — well, it was
awful, and they couldn't seem to recover from the
shock, they couldn't seem to pull themselves together.
Pale, shaky, dumb, pitiful ? Why, they weren't any
better than so many dead men. It was very uncom
fortable. Of course I thought they would appeal to
me to keep mum, and then we would shake hands,
and take a drink all round, and laugh it off, and there
an end. But no; you see I was an unknown person,
among a cruelly oppressed and suspicious people, a
people always accustomed to having advantage taken
of their helplessness, and never expecting just or kind
treatment from any but their own families and very
closest intimates. Appeal to me to be gentle, to be
fair, to be generous ? Of course they wanted to, but
they couldn't dare.
CHAPTER XXXIV
THE YANKEE AND THE KING SOLD AS SLAVES
WELL, what had I better do ? Nothing in a hurry,
sure. I must get up a diversion ; anything to employ
me while I could think, and while these poor fellows
could have a chance to come to life again. There sat
Marco, petrified in the act of trying to get the hang
of his miller-gun — turned to stone, just in the attitude
he was in when my pile-driver fell, the toy still gripped
in his unconscious fingers. So I took it from him and
proposed to explain its mystery. Mystery ! a sim
ple little thing like that ; and yet it was mysterious
enough, for that race and that age.
I never saw such an awkward people, with machin
ery ; you see, they were totally unused to it. The
miller-gun was a little double-barrelled tube of tough
ened glass, with a neat little trick of a spring to it,
which upon pressure would let a shot escape. But
the shot wouldn't hurt anybody, it would only drop
into your hand. In the gun were two sizes — wee
mustard-seed shot, and another sort that were several
times larger. They were money. The mustard-seed
shot represented milrays, the larger ones mills. So
the gun was a purse ; and very handy, too ; you could
pay out money in the dark with it, with accuracy ;
and you could carry it in your mouth ; or in your vest
325
pocket, if you had one. I made them of several sizes
— one size so large that it would carry the equivalent
of a dollar. Using shot for money was a good thing
for the government ; the metal cost nothing, and the
money couldn't be counterfeited, for I was the only
person in the kingdom who knew how to manage a
shot tower. " Paying the shot " soon came to be a
common phrase. Yes, and I knew it would still be
passing men's lips, away down in the nineteenth cen
tury, yet none would suspect how and when it origi
nated.
The king joined us, about this time, mightily re
freshed by his nap, and feeling good. Anything could
make me nervous now, I was so uneasy — for our lives
were in danger; and so it worried me to detect a com
placent something in the king's eye which seemed to
indicate that he had been loading himself up for a per
formance of some kind or other; confound it, why
must he go and choose such a time as this?
I was right. He began, straight off, in the most in
nocently artful, and transparent, and lubberly way, to
lead up to the subject of agriculture. The cold sweat
broke out all over me. I wanted to whisper in his
ear, " Man, we are in awful danger ! every moment is
worth a principality till we get back these men's con
fidence ; don t waste any of this golden time." But of
course I couldn't do it. Whisper to him ? It would
look as if we were conspiring. So I had to sit there
and look calm and pleasant while the king stood over
that dynamite mine and mooned along about his
damned onions and things. At first the tumult of my
own thoughts, summoned by the danger-signal and
swarming to the rescue from every quarter of my
22 CY
326
skull, kept up such a hurrah and confusion and fifing
and drumming that I couldn't take in a word ; but
presently when my mob of gathering plans began to
crystallize and fall into position and form line of bat
tle, a sort of order and quiet ensued and I caught the
boom of the king's batteries, as if out of remote dis
tance :
" — were not the best way, methinks, albeit it is not
to be denied that authorities differ as concerning this
point, some contending that the onion is but an un
wholesome berry when stricken early from the tree—
The audience showed signs of life, and sought each
other's eyes in a surprised and troubled way.
" — whileas others do yet maintain, with much show
of reason, that this is not of necessity the case, instanc
ing that plums and other like cereals do be alway?
dug in the unripe state — "
The audience exhibited distinct distress : yes, and
also fear.
" — yet are they clearly wholesome, the more espe-
cially when one doth assuage the asperities of their
nature by admixture of the tranquillizing juice of the
wayward cabbage—
The wild light of terror began to glow in 'these
men's eyes, and one of them muttered, "These be
errors, every one — God hath surely smitten the mind
of this farmer." I was in miserable apprehension ; I
sat upon thorns.
" — and further instancing the known truth that in
the case of animals, the young, which may be called
the green fruit of the creature, is the better, all con
fessing that when a goat is ripe, his fur doth heat and
sore engame his flesh, the which defect, taken in con-
327
nection with his several rancid habits, and fulsome
appetites, and godless attitudes of mind, and bilious
quality of morals — "
They rose and went for him ! With a fierce shout,
" The one would betray us, the other is mad ! Kill
them ! Kill them !" they flung themselves upon us.
What joy flamed up in the king's eye ! He might be
lame in agriculture, but this kind of thing was just in
his line. He had been fasting long, he was hungry for
a fight. He hit the blacksmith a crack under the jaw
that lifted him clear off his feet and stretched him flat
of his back. " St. George for Britain!" and he downed
the wheelwright. The mason was big, but I laid him
out like nothing. The three gathered themselves up
and came again ; went down again ; came again ; and
kept on repeating this, with native British pluck, until
they were battered to jelly, reeling with exhaustion,
and so blind that they couldn't tell us from each other ;
and yet they kept right on, hammering away with
what might was left in them. Hammering each other
—for we stepped aside and looked on while they rolled,
and struggled, and gouged, and pounded, and bit, with
the strict and wordless attention to business of so
many bulldogs. We looked on without apprehension,
for they were fast getting past ability to go for help
against us, and the arena was far enough from the
public road to be safe from intrusion.
Well, while they were gradually playing out, it sud
denly occurred to me to wonder what had become of
Marco. I looked around ; he was nowhere to be seen.
Oh, but this was ominous ! I pulled the king's sleeve,
and we glided away and rushed for the hut. No Marco
there, no Phyllis there ! They had gone to the road
328
for help, sure. I told the king to give his heels wings,
and I would explain later. We made good time
across the open ground, and as we darted into the
shelter of the wood I glanced back and saw a mob
of excited peasants swarm into view, with Marco and
his wife at their head. They were making a world of
noise, but that couldn't hurt anybody ; the wood was
dense, and as soon as we were well into its depths we
would take to a tree and let them whistle. Ah, but
then came another sound — dogs ! Yes, that was quite
another matter. It magnified our contract — we must
find running water.
We tore along at a good gait, and soon left the
sounds far behind and modified to a murmur. We
struck a stream and darted into it. We waded swiftly
down it, in the dim forest light, for as much as three
hundred yards, and then came across an oak with a
great bough sticking out over the water. We climbed
up on this bough, and began to work our way along
it to the body of the tree ; now we began to hear
those sounds more plainly ; so the mob had struck
our trail. For a while the sounds approached pretty
fast. And then for another while they didn't. No
doubt the dogs had found the place where we had
entered the stream, and were now waltzing up and
down the shores trying to pick up the trail again.
When we were snugly lodged in the tree and cur
tained with foliage, the king was satisfied, but I was
doubtful. I believed we could crawl along a branch
and get into the next tree, and I judged it worth while
to try. We tried it, and made a success of it, though
the king slipped, at the junction, and came near fail
ing to connect. We got comfortable lodgement and
329
satisfactory concealment among the foliage, and then
we had nothing to do but listen to the hunt.
Presently we heard it coming — and coming on the
jump, too ; yes, and down both sides of the stream.
Louder — louder — next minute it swelled swiftly up
into a roar of shoutings, barkings, tramplings, and
swept by like a cyclone.
" I was afraid that the overhanging branch would
suggest something to them," said I, " but 1 don't mind
the disappointment. Come, my liege, it were well
that we make good use of our time. We've flanked
them. Dark is coming on, presently. If we can cross
the stream and get a good start, and borrow a couple
of horses from somebody's pasture to use for a few
hours, we shall be safe enough."
We started down, and got nearly to the lowest limb,
when we seemed to hear the hunt returning. We
stopped to listen.
" Yes," said I, " they're baffled, they've given it up,
they're on their way home. We will climb back to
our roost again, and let them go by."
So we climbed back. The king listened a moment
and said :
" They still search — I wit the sign. We did best
to abide."
He was right. He knew more about hunting than
I did. The noise approached steadily, but not with
a rush. The king said :
" They reason that we were advantaged by no par
lous start of them, and being on foot are as yet no
mighty way from where we took the water."
" Yes, sire, that is about it, I am afraid, though I
was hoping better things."
33Q
The noise drew nearer and nearer, and soon the van
was drifting under us, on both sides of the water. A
voice called a halt from the other bank, and said :
" An they were so minded, they could get to yon
tree by this branch that overhangs, and yet not touch
ground. Ye will do well to send a man up it."
" Marry, that will we do !"
I was obliged to admire my cuteness in foreseeing
this very thing and swapping trees to beat it. But
don't you know, there are some things that can beat
smartness and foresight ? Awkwardness and stupid
ity can. The best swordsman in the world doesn't
need to fear the second best swordsman in the world ;
no, the person for him to be afraid of is some igno
rant antagonist who has never had a sword in his
hand before ; he doesn't do the thing he ought to do,
and so the expert isn't prepared for him ; he does the
thing he ought not to do : and often it catches the
expert out and ends him on the spot. Well, how could
I, with all my gifts, make any valuable preparation
against a near-sighted, cross-eyed, pudding -headed
clown who would aim himself at the wrong tree and
hit the right one ? And that is what he did. He
went for the wrong tree, which was of course the right
one by mistake, and up he started.
Matters were serious, now. We remained still, and
awaited developments. The peasant toiled his diffi
cult way up. The king raised himself up and stood ;
he made a leg ready, and when the comer's head ar
rived in reach of it there was a dull thud, and down
went the man floundering to the ground. There was
a wild outbreak of anger, below, and the mob swarmed
in from all around, and there we were treed, and pris-
331
oners. Another man started up ; the bridging bough
was detected, and a volunteer started up the tree that
furnished the bridge. The king ordered me to play
Horatius and keep the bridge. For a while the enemy
came thick and fast ; but no matter, the head man of
each procession always got a buffet that dislodged
him as soon as he came in reach. The king's spirits
rose, his joy was limitless. He said that if nothing
occurred to mar the prospect we should have a beau
tiful night, for on this line of tactics we could hold
the tree against the whole country-side.
However, the mob soon came to that conclusion
themselves ; wherefore they called off the assault and
began to debate other plans. They had no weapons,
but there were plenty of stones, and stones might
answer. We had no objections. A stone might pos
sibly penetrate to us once in a while, but it wasn't
very likely ; we were well protected by boughs and
foliage, and were not visible from any good aiming-
point. If they would but waste half an hour in stone-
throwing, the dark would come to our help. We
were feeling very well satisfied. We could smile ;
almost laugh.
But we didn't ; which was just as well, for we should
have been interrupted. Before the stones had been
raging through the leaves and bouncing from the
boughs fifteen minutes, we began to notice a smell.
A couple of sniffs of it was enough of an explanation:
it was smoke ! Our game was up at last. We recog
nized that. When smoke invites you, you have to
come. They raised their pile of dry brush and damp
weeds higher and higher, and when they saw the thick
cloud begin to roll up and smother the tree, they broke
332
out in a storm of joy-clamors. I got enough breath
to say :
" Proceed, my liege ; after you is manners."
The king gasped :
" Follow me down, and then back thyself against
one side of the trunk, and leave me the other. Then
will we fight. Let each pile his dead according to his
own fashion and taste."
Then he descended barking and coughing, and I fol
lowed. I struck the ground an instant after him ; we
sprang to our appointed places, and began to give and
take with all our might. The pow-wow and racket
were prodigious; it was a tempest of riot and confusion
and thick-falling blows. Suddenly some horsemen tore
into the midst of the crowd, and a voice shouted :
" Hold — or ye are dead men !"
How good it sounded ! The owner of the voice
bore all the marks of a gentleman : picturesque and
costly raiment, the aspect of command, a hard coun
tenance, with complexion and features marred by dis
sipation. The mob fell humbly back, like so many
spaniels. The gentleman inspected us critically, then
said sharply to the peasants :
" What are ye doing to these people?"
" They be madmen, worshipful sir, that have come
wandering we know not whence, and — "
" Ye know not whence? Do ye pretend ye know
them not ?"
" Most honored sir, we speak but the truth. They
are strangers and unknown to any in this region ; and
they be the most violent and bloodthirsty madmen
that ever —
" Peace ! Ye know not what ye say. They are
333
not mad. Who are ye? And whence are ye? Ex
plain."
" We are but peaceful strangers, sir," I said, " and
travelling upon our own concerns. We are from a far
country, and unacquainted here. We1 have purposed
no harm ; and yet but for your brave interference and
protection these people would have killed us. As you
have divined, sir, we are not mad ; neither are we vio
lent or bloodthirsty."
The gentleman turned to his retinue and said calmly :
" Lash me these animals to their kennels !"
The mob vanished in an instant ; and after them
plunged the horsemen, laying about them with their
whips and pitilessly riding down such as were witless
enough to keep the road instead of taking to the bush.
The shrieks and supplications presently died away in
the distance, and soon the horsemen began to straggle
back. Meantime the gentleman had been questioning
us more closely, but had dug no particulars out of us.
We were lavish of recognition of the service he was
doing us, but we revealed nothing more than that we
were friendless strangers from a far country. When
the escort were all returned, the gentleman said to one
of his servants :
" Bring the led-horses and mount these people."
" Yes, my lord."
We were placed toward the rear, among the ser
vants. We travelled pretty fast, and finally drew rein
some time after dark at a road-side inn some ten or
twelve miles from the scene of our troubles. My lord
went immediately to his room, after ordering his sup
per, and we saw no more of him. At dawn in the
morning we breakfasted and made ready to start.
334
My lord's chief attendant sauntered forward at that
moment with indolent grace, and said :
"Ye have said ye should continue upon this road,
which is our direction likewise ; wherefore my lord,
the earl Grip, hath given commandment that ye retain
the horses and ride, and that certain of us ride with ye
a twenty mile to a fair town that hight Cambenet,
whenso ye shall be out of peril."
We could do nothing less than express our thanks
and accept the offer. We jogged along, six in the
party, at a moderate and comfortable gait, and in con
versation learned that my lord Grip was a very great
personage in his own region, which lay a day's journey
beyond Cambenet. We loitered to such a degree that
it was near the middle of the forenoon when we en
tered the market square of the town. We dismounted,
and left our thanks once more for my lord, and then
approached a crowd assembled in the centre of the
square, to see what might be the object of interest.
It was the remnant of that old peregrinating band of
slaves ! So they had been dragging their chains
about, all this weary time. That poor husband was
gone, and also many others ; and some few purchases
had been added to the gang. The king was not in
terested, and wanted to move along, but I was ab
sorbed, and full of pity. I could not take my eyes
away from these worn and wasted wrecks of humani
ty. There they sat, grouped upon the ground, silent,
uncomplaining, with bowed heads, a pathetic sight.
And by hideous contrast, a redundant orator was
making a speech to another gathering not thirty steps
away, in fulsome laudation of " our glorious British
liberties !"
335
I was boiling. I had forgotten I was a plebeian, I
was remembering I was a man. Cost what it might,
I would mount that rostrum and —
Click! the king and I were handcuffed together!
Our companions, those servants, had done it ; my lord
Grip stood looking on. The king burst out in a fury,
and said :
"What meaneth this ill-mannered jest?"
My lord merely said to his head miscreant, coolly:
" Put up the slaves and sell them !"
Slaves ! The word had a new sound — and how un
speakably awful ! The king lifted his manacles and
brought them down with a deadly force ; but my lord
was out of the way when they arrived. A dozen of
the rascal's servants sprang forward, and in a moment
we were helpless, with our hands bound behind us.
We so loudly and so earnestly proclaimed ourselves
freemen, that we got the interested attention of that lib
erty-mouthing orator and his patriotic crowd, and they
gathered about us and assumed a very determined at
titude. The orator said :
"If indeed ye are freemen, ye have nought to fear
—the God-given liberties of Britain are about ye for
your shield and shelter ! (Applause.) Ye shall soon
see. Bring forth your proofs."
"What proofs?"
" Proof that ye are freemen."
Ah — I remembered ! I came to myself ; I said
nothing. But the king stormed out:
" Thou'rt insane, man. It were better, and more in
reason, that this thief and scoundrel here prove that
we are not freemen."
You see, he knew his own laws just as other people
336
so often know the laws: by words, not by effects
They take a meaning, and get to be very vivid, when
you come to apply them to yourself.
All hands shook their heads and looked disappoint
ed ; some turned away, no longer interested. The
orator said — and this time in the tones of business,
not of sentiment :
" An ye do not know your country's laws, it were
time ye learned them. Ye are strangers to us ; ye
will not deny that. Ye may be freemen, we do not
deny that ; but also ye may be slaves. The law is
clear : it doth not require the claimant to prove ye
are slaves, it requireth you to prove ye are not."
I said :
" Dear sir, give us only time to send to Astolat ; or
give us only time to send to the Valley of Holi
ness —
" Peace, good man, these are extraordinary requests,
and you may not hope to have them granted. It
would cost much time, and would unwarrantably in
convenience your master — "
" Master y idiot !'' stormed the king. " I have no mas
ter, I myself am the m—
" Silence, for God's sake !"
I got the words out in time to stop the king. We
were in trouble enough already ; it could not help us
any to give these people the notion that we were lu
natics.
There is no use in stringing out the details. The
earl put us up and sold us at auction. This same infer
nal law had existed in our own South in my own time,
more than thirteen hundred years later, and under it
hundreds of freemen who could not prove that they
337
were freemen had been sold into life-long slavery with
out the circumstance making any particular impression
upon me ; but the minute law and the auction block
came into my personal experience, a thing which had
been merely improper before became suddenly hellish.
Well, that's the way we are made.
Yes, we were sold at auction, like swine. In a big
town and an active market we should have brought a
good price ; but this place was utterly stagnant and
so we sold at a figure which makes me ashamed, every
time I think of it. The King of England brought
seven dollars, and his prime minister nine ; whereas
the king was easily worth twelve dollars and I as easi
ly worth fifteen. But that is the way things always
go ; if you force a sale on a dull market, I don't care
what the property is, you are going to make a poor
business of it, and you can make up your mind to it.
If the earl had had wit enough to —
However, there is no occasion for my working my
sympathies up on his account. Let him go, for the
present : I took his number, so to speak.
The slave dealer bought us both, and hitched us
onto that long chain of his, and we constituted the
rear of his procession. We took up our line of march
and passed out of Cambenet at noon ; and it seemed
to me unaccountably strange and odd that the King
of England and his chief minister, marching manacled
and fettered and yoked, in a slave convoy, could move
by all manner of idle men and women, and under win
dows where sat the sweet and the lovely, and yet
never attract a curious eye, never provoke a single re
mark. Dear, dear, it only shows that there is nothing
diviner about a king than there is about a tramp, after
33*
all. He is just a cheap and hollow artificiality when
you don't know he is a king. But reveal his qual
ity, and dear me it takes your very breath away to
look at him. I reckon we are all fools. Born so, no
doubt.
CHAPTER XXXV
A PITIFUL INCIDENT
IT'S a world of surprises. The king brooded ; this
was natural. What would he brood about, should
you say? Why, about the prodigious nature of his
fall, of course — from the loftiest place in the world to
the lowest ; from the most illustrious station in the
world to the obscurest ; from the grandest vocation
among men to the basest. No, I take my oath that
the thing that gravelled him most, to start with, was
not this, but the price he had fetched ! He couldn't
seem to get over that seven dollars. Well, it stunned
me so, when I first found it out, that I couldn't be
lieve it ; it didn't seem natural. But as soon as my
mental sight cleared and I got a right focus on it, I
saw I was mistaken : it was natural. For this reason :
a king is a mere artificiality, and so a king's feelings,
like the impulses of an automatic doll, are mere arti
ficialities ; but as a man, he is a reality, and his feel
ings, as a man, are real, not phantoms. It shames the
average man to be valued below his own estimate of
his worth ; and the king certainly wasn't anything
more than an average man, if he was up that high.
Confound him, he wearied me with arguments to
show that in anything like a fair market he would
have fetched twenty-five dollars, sure — a thing which
34°
was plainly nonsense, and full of the baldest conceit ;
I wasn't worth it myself. But it was tender ground
for me to argue on. In fact I had to simply shirk
argument and do the diplomatic instead. I had to
throw conscience aside, and brazenly concede that he
ought to have brought twenty-five dollars ; whereas I
was quite well aware that in all the ages, the world had
never seen a king that was worth half the money, and
during the next thirteen centuries wouldn't see one
that was worth the fourth of it. Yes, he tired me.
If he began to talk about the crops ; or about the re
cent weather; or about the condition of politics, or
about dogs, or cats, or morals, or theology — no mat
ter what — I sighed, for I knew what was coming : he
was going to get out of it a palliation of that tire
some seven-dollar sale. Wherever we halted, where
there was a crowd, he would give me a look which
said, plainly : " if that thing could be tried over again,
now, with this kind of folk, you would see a differ
ent result." Well, when he was first sold, it secretly
tickled me to see him go for seven dollars ; but be
fore he was done with his sweating and worrying I
wished he had fetched a hundred. The thing never
got a chance to die, for every day, at one place or
another, possible purchasers looked us over, and as
often as any other way, their comment on the king
was something like this :
" Here's a two-dollar-and-a-half chump with a thirty-
dollar style. Pity but style was marketable."
At last this sort of remark produced an evil result.
Our owner was a practical person and he perceived
that this defect must be mended if he hoped to find a
purchaser for the king. So he went to work to take
341
the style out of his sacred majesty. I could have
given the man some valuable advice, but I didn't ;
you mustn't volunteer advice to a slave-driver unless
you want to damage the cause you are arguing for. I
had found it a sufficiently difficult job to reduce the
king's style to a peasant's style, even when he was a
willing and anxious puDil; now then, to undertake to
reduce the king's style to a slave's style — and by force
—go to ! it was a stately contract. Never mind the
details — it will save me trouble to let you imagine
them. I will only remark that at the end of a week
there was plenty of evidence that lash and club and
fist had done their work well ; the king's body was a
sight to see — and to weep over; but his spirit ? — why,
it wasn't even phased. Even that dull clod of a slave-
driver was able to see that there can be such a thing as
a slave who will remain a man till he dies ; whose
bones you can break, but whose manhood you can't.
This man found that from his first effort down to his
latest, he couldn't ever come within reach of the king
biit the king was ready to plunge for him, and did it.
So he gave up, at last, and left the king in possession
of his style unimpaired. The fact is, the king was a
good deal more than a king, he was a man ; and when
a man is a man, you can't knock it out of him.
We had a rough time for a month, tramping to and
fro in the earth, and suffering. And what English
man was the most interested in the slavery question
by that time? His grace the king ! Yes ; from being
the most indifferent, he was become the most interest
ed. He was become the bitterest hater of the insti
tution I had ever heard talk. And so I ventured to
ask once more a question which I had asked years be-
342
fore and had gotten such a sharp answer that I had
not thought it prudent to meddle in the matter fur
ther. Would he abolish slavery?
His answer was as sharp as before, but it was music
this time ; I shouldn't ever wish to hear pleasanter,
though the profanity was not good, being awkwardly
put together, and with the crash-word almost in the
middle instead of at the end, where of course it ought
to have been.
I was ready and willing to get free, now ; I hadn't
wanted to get free any sooner. No, I cannot quite
say that. I had wanted to, but I had not been willing
to take desperate chances, and had always dissuaded
the king from them. But now — ah, it was a new at
mosphere ! Liberty would be worth any cost that
might be put upon it now. I set about a plan, and
was straightway charmed with it. It would require
time, yes, and patience, too, a great deal of both. One
could invent quicker ways, and fully as sure ones; but
none that would be as picturesque as this ; none that
could be made so dramatic. And so I was not going
to give this one up. It might delay us months, but no
matter, I would carry it out or break something.
Now and then we had an adventure. One night
we were overtaken by a snow-storm while still a mile
from the village we were making for. Almost instantly
we were shut up as in a fog, the driving snow was so
thick. You couldn't see a thing, and we were soon
lost. The slave-driver lashed us desperately, for he
saw ruin before him, but his lashings only made mat
ters worse, for they drove us further from the road
and from likelihood of succor. So we had to stop,
at last, and slump down in the snow where we were.
343
The storm continued until toward midnight, then
ceased. By this time two of our feebler men and
three of our women were dead, and others past mov
ing and threatened with death. Our master was near
ly beside himself. He stirred up the living, and made
us stand, jump, slap ourselves, to restore our circula
tion, and he helped as well as he could with his whip.
Now came a diversion. We heard shrieks and yells,
and soon a woman came running, and crying; and seeing
our group, she flung herself into our midst and begged
for protection. A mob of people came tearing after
her, some with torches, and they said she was a witch
who had caused several cows to die by a strange dis
ease, and practised her arts by help of a devil in the
form of a black cat. This poor woman had been
stoned until she hardly looked human, she was so bat
tered and bloody. The mob wanted to burn her.
Well, now, what do you suppose our master did ?
When we closed around this poor creature to shelter
her, he saw his chance. He said, burn her here, or
they shouldn't have her at all. Imagine that! They
were willing. They fastened her to a post ; they
brought wood and piled it about her ; they applied the
torch while she shrieked and pleaded and strained her
two young daughters to her breast; and our brute,
with a heart solely for business, lashed us into position
about the stake and warmed us into life and commer
cial value by the same fire which took away the inno
cent life of that poor harmless mother. That was the
sort of master we had. I took his number. That snow
storm cost him nine of his flock; and he was more
brutal to us than ever, after that, for many days to
gether, he was so enraged over his loss.
344
We had adventures, all along. One day we ran into
a procession. And such a procession ! All the riffraff
of the kingdom seemed to be comprehended in it ; and
all drunk at that. In the van was a cart with a coffin
in it, and on the coffin sat a comely young girl of
about eighteen suckling a baby, which she squeezed to
her breast in a passion of love every little while, and
every little while wiped from its face the tears which
her eyes rained down upon it ; and always the fool
ish little thing smiled up at her, happy and content,
kneading her breast with its dimpled fat hand, which
she patted and fondled right over her breaking heart.
Men and women, boys and girls, trotted along be
side or after the cart, hooting, shouting profane and
ribald remarks, singing snatches of foul song, skipping,
dancing — a very holiday of hellions, a sickening sight.
We had struck a suburb of London, outside the walls,
and this was a sample of one sort of London society.
Our master secured a good place for us near the gal
lows. A priest was in attendance, and he helped the
girl climb up, and said comforting words to her, and
made the under-sheriff provide a stool for her. Then
he stood there by her on the gallows, and for a moment
looked down upon the mass of upturned faces at his
feet, then out over the solid pavement of heads that
stretched away on every side occupying the vacancies
far and near, and then began to tell the story of the
case. And there was pity in his voice — how seldom a
sound that was in that ignorant and savage land ! I re
member every detail of what he said, except the words
he said it in ; and so I change it into my own words :
" Law is intended to mete out justice. Sometimes
it fails. This cannot be helped. We can only grieve,
345
and be resigned, and pray for the soul of him who
falls unfairly by the arm of the law, and that his fel
lows may be few. A law sends this poor young thing
to death — and it is right. But another law had placed
her where she must commit her crime or starve, with
her child — and before God that law is responsible for
both her crime and her ignominious death !
"A little while ago this young thing, this child of
eighteen years, was as happy a wife and mother as
any in England ; and her lips were blithe with song,
which is the native speech of glad and innocent hearts.
Her young husband was as happy as she ; for he was
doing his whole duty, he worked early and late at his
handicraft, his bread was honest bread well and fairly
earned, he was prospering, he was furnishing shelter
and sustenance to his family, he was adding his mite
to the wealth of the nation. By consent of a treach
erous law, instant destruction fell upon this holy home
and swept it away ! That young husband was way
laid and impressed, and sent to sea. The wife knew
nothing of it. She sought him everywhere, she moved
the hardest hearts with the supplications of her tears,
the broken eloquence of her despair. Weeks dragged
by, she watching, waiting, hoping, her-mind going
slowly to wreck under the burden of her misery. Lit
tle by little all her small possessions went for food.
When she could no longer pay her rent, they turned
her out of doors. She begged, while she had strength ;
when she was starving, at last, and her milk failing,
she stole a piece of linen cloth of the value of a fourth
part of a cent, thinking to sell it and save her child.
But she was seen by the owner of the cloth. She was
put in jail and brought to trial. The man testified to
346
the facts. A plea was made for her, and her sorrow
ful story was told in her behalf. She spoke, too, by
permission, and said she did steal the cloth, but that
her mind was so disordered of late, by trouble, that
when she was overborne with hunger all acts, criminal
or other, swam meaningless through her brain and she
knew nothing rightly, except that she was so hungry !
For a moment all were touched, and there was disposi
tion to deal mercifully with her, seeing that she was
so young and friendless, and her case so piteous, and
the law that robbed her of her support to blame as
being the first and only cause of her transgression ;
but the prosecuting officer replied that whereas these
things were all true, and most pitiful as well, still there
was much small theft in these days, and mistimed
mercy here would be a danger to property — Oh, my
God, is there no property in ruined homes, and or
phaned babes, and broken hearts that British law holds
precious ! — and so he must require sentence.
" When the judge put on his black cap, the owner
of the stolen linen rose trembling up, his lip quivering,
his face as gray as ashes; and when the awful words
came, he cried out, ' Oh, poor child, poor child, I did
not know it was death !' and fell as a tree falls. When
they lifted him up his reason was gone; before the
sun was set, he had taken his own life. A kindly
man ; a man whose heart was right, at bottom ; add
his murder to this that is to be now done here ; and
charge them both where they belong — to the rulers
and the bitter laws of Britain. The time is come, my
child ; let me pray over thee — not for thee, dear
abused poor heart and innocent, but for them that be
guilty of thy ruin and death, who need it more."
347
After his prayer they put the noose around the
young girl's neck, and they had great trouble to ad
just the knot under her ear, because she was devour
ing the baby all the time, wildly kissing it, and
snatching it to her face and her breast, and drenching
it with tears, and half moaning half shrieking all the
while, and the baby crowing, and laughing, and kick
ing its feet with delight over what it took for romp
and play. Even the hangman couldn't stand it, but
turned away. When all was ready the priest gently
pulled and tugged and forced the child out of the
mother's arms, and stepped quickly out of her reach ;
but she clasped her hands, and made a wild spring
toward him, with a shriek ; but the rope — and the
under-sheriff — held her short. Then she went on her
knees and stretched out her hands and cried :
" One more kiss — Oh, my God, one more, one
more, — it is the dying that begs it !"
She got it ; she almost smothered the little thing.
And when they got it away again, she cried out :
" Oh, my child, my darling, it will die! It has no
home, it has no father, no friend, no mother —
"It has them all!" said that good priest. " All
these will I be to it till I die."
You should have seen her face then! Gratitude?
Lord, what do you want with words to express that ?
Words are only painted fire ; a look is the fire itself.
She gave that look, and carried it away to the treas
ury of heaven, where all things that are divine belong.
CHAPTER XXXVI
AN ENCOUNTER IN THE DARK
LONDON — to a slave — was a sufficiently interesting
place. It was merely a great big village ; and mainly
mud and thatch. The streets were muddy, crooked,
unpaved. The populace was an ever flocking and
drifting swarm of rags, and splendors, of nodding
plumes and shining armor. The king had a palace
there ; he saw the outside of it. It made him sigh ;
yes, and swear a little, in a poor juvenile sixth century
way. We saw knights and grandees whom we knew,
but they didn't know us in our rags and dirt and raw
welts and bruises, and wouldn't have recognized us if
we had hailed them, nor stopped to answer, either, it
being unlawful to speak with slaves on a chain.
Sandy passed within ten yards of me on a mule-
hunting for me, I imagined. But the thing which
clean broke my heart was something which happened
in front of our old barrack in a square, while we were
enduring the spectacle of a man being boiled to death
in oil for counterfeiting pennies. It was the sight of
a newsboy — and I couldn't get at him ! Still, I had
one comfort ; here was proof that Clarence was still
alive and banging away. I meant to be with him be
fore long ; the thought was full of cheer.
I had one little glimpse of another thing, one day,
349
which gave me a great uplift. It was a wire stretch
ing from housetop to housetop. Telegraph or tele
phone, sure. I did very much wish I had a little
piece of it. It was just what I needed, in order to
carry out my project of escape. My idea was, to get
loose some night, along with the king, then gag and
bind our master, change clothes with him, batter him
into the aspect of a stranger, hitch him to the slave-
chain, assume possession of the property, march to
Camelot, and —
But you get my idea ; you see what a stunning dra
matic surprise I would wind up with at the palace.
It was all feasible, if I could only get hold of a slender
piece of iron which I could shape into a lock-pick. I
could then undo the lumbering padlocks with which
our chains were fastened, whenever I might choose.
But I never had any luck ; no such thing ever hap
pened to fall in my way. However, my chance came
at last. A gentleman who had come twice before to
dicker for me, without result, or indeed any approach
to a result, came again. I was far from expecting
ever to belong to him, for the price asked for me from
the time I was first enslaved was exorbitant, and al
ways provoked either anger or derision, yet my mas
ter stuck stubbornly to it — twenty-two dollars. He
wouldn't bate a cent. The king was greatly admired,
because of his grand physique, but his kingly style
was against him, and he wasn't salable ; nobody
wanted that kind of a slave. I considered myself safe
from parting from him because of my extravagant
price. No, I was not expecting to ever belong to this
gentleman whom I have spoken of, but he had some
thing which I expected would belong to me eventu-
35Q
ally, if he would but visit us often enough. It was a
steel thing with a long pin to it, with which his long
cloth outside garment was fastened together in front.
There were three of them. He had disappointed me
twice, because he did not come quite close enough to
me to make my project entirely safe ; but this time I
succeeded ; I captured the lower clasp of the three,
and when he missed it he thought he had lost it on
the way.
I had a chance to be glad about a minute, then
straightway a chance to be sad again. For when the
purchase was about to fail, as usual, the master sud
denly spoke up and said what would be worded thus
— in modern English :
" I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm tired supporting
these two for no good. Give me twenty -two dollars
for this one, and I'll throw the other one in."
The king couldn't get his breath, he was in such a
fury. He began to choke and gag, and meantime the
master and the gentleman moved away, discussing.
" An ye will keep the offer open—
" 'Tis open till the morrow at this hour."
" Then will I answer you at that time," said the gen
tleman, and disappeared, the master following him.
I had a time of it to cool the king down, but I man
aged it. I whispered in his ear, to this effect :
" Your grace ivill go for nothing, but after another
fashion. And so shall I. To-night we shall both be
free."
"Ah ! How is that?"
" With this thing which I have stolen, I will unlock
these locks and cast off these chains to-night. When
he comes about nine thirty to inspect us for the night,
351
we will seize him, gag him, batter him, and early in the
morning we will march out of this town, proprietors of
this caravan of slaves."
That was as far as I went, but the king was charmed
and satisfied. That evening we waited patiently for
our fellow-slaves to get to sleep and signify it by the
usual sign, for you must not take many chances on those
poor fellows if you can avoid it. It is best to keep
your own secrets. No doubt they fidgeted only about
as usual, but it didn't seem so to me. It seemed to
me that they were going to be forever getting down
to their regular snoring. As the time dragged on I got
nervously afraid we shouldn't have enough of it left
for our needs ; so I made several premature attempts,
and merely delayed things by it ; for I couldn't seem to
touch a padlock, there in the dark, without starting a
rattle out of it which interrupted somebody's sleep and
made him turn over and wake some more of the gang.
But finally I did get my last iron off, and was a free
man once more. I took a good breath of relief, and
reached for the king's irons. Too late ! in comes the
master, with a light in one hand and his heavy walk
ing-staff in the other. I snuggled close among the
wallow of snorers, to conceal as nearly as possible that
I was naked of irons ; and I kept a sharp lookout and
prepared to spring for my man the moment he should
bend over me.
But he didn't approach. He stopped, gazed absently
toward our dusky mass a minute, evidently thinking
about something else ; then set down his light, moved
musingly toward the door, and before a body could
imagine what he was going to do, he was out of the
door and had closed it behind him.
352
" Quick !" said the king. " Fetch him back !"
Of course it was the thing to do, and I was up and
out in a moment. But dear me, there were no lamps
in those days, and it was a dark night. But I glimpsed
a dim figure a few steps away. I darted for it, threw
myself upon it, and then there was a state of things
and lively ! We fought and scuffled and struggled,
and drew a crowd in no time. They took an immense
interest in the fight and encourged us all they could,
and in fact couldn't have been pleasanter or more cord
ial if it had been their own fight. Then a tremen
dous row broke out behind us, and as much as half of
our audience left us, with a rush, to invest some sym
pathy in that. Lanterns began to swing in all direc
tions ; it was the watch, gathering from far and near.
Presently a halberd fell across my back, as a reminder,
and I knew what it meant. I was in custody. So was
my adversary. We were marched off toward prison, one
on each side of the watchman. Here was disaster, here
was a fine scheme gone to sudden destruction ! I tried
to imagine what would happen when the master should
discover that it was I who had been fighting him; and
what would happen if they jailed us together in the
general apartment for brawlers and petty law-breakers,
as was the custom ; and what might-
Just then my antagonist turned his face around in
my direction, the freckled light from the watchman's
tin lantern fell on it, and by George he was the wrong
man I »
CHAPTER XXXVII
AN AWFUL PREDICAMENT
SLEEP? It was impossible. It would naturally
have been impossible in that noisome cavern of a jail,
with its mangy crowd of drunken, quarrelsome and
song-singing rapscallions. But the thing that made
sleep all the more a thing not to be dreamed of, was
my racking impatience to get out of this place and
find out the whole size of what might have happened
yonder in the slave-quarters in consequence of that
intolerable miscarriage of mine.
It was a long night, but the morning got around at
last. I made a full and frank explanation to the
court. I said I was a slave, the property of the great
Earl Grip, who had arrived just after dark at the
Tabard inn in the village on the other side of the
water, and had stopped there over night, by compul
sion, he being taken deadly sick with a strange and
sudden disorder. I had been ordered to cross to the
city in all haste and bring the best physician ; I was
doing my best ; naturally I was running with all my
might ; the night was dark, I ran against this com
mon person here, who seized me by the throat and
began to pummel me, although I told him my errand,
and implored him, for the sake of the great earl my
master's mortal peril —
354
The common person interrupted and said it was a
lie ; and was going to explain how I rushed upon him
and attacked him without a word —
"Silence, sirrah!" from the court. " Take him
hence and give him a few stripes whereby to teach
him how to treat the servant of a nobleman after a
different fashion another time. Go!"
Then the court begged my pardon, and hoped I
would not fail to tell his lordship it was in no wise
the court's fault that this high-handed thing had
happened. I said I would make it all right, and so
took my leave. Took it just in time, too; he was
starting to ask me why I didn't fetch out these facts
the moment I was arrested. I said I would if I had
thought of it — which was true — but that I was so
battered by that man that all my wit was knocked
out of me — and so forth and so on, and got myself
away, still mumbling.
I didn't wait for breakfast. No grass grew under
my feet. I was soon at the slave quarters. Empty —
everybody gone ! That is, everybody except one
body — the slave-master's. It lay there all battered to
pulp ; and all about were the evidences of a terrific
fight. There was a rude board coffin on a cart at the
door, and workmen, assisted by the police, were thin
ning a road through the gaping crowd in order that
they might bring it in.
I picked out a man humble enough in life to con
descend to talk with one so shabby as I, and got his
account of the matter.
" There were sixteen slaves here. They rose against
their master in the night, and thou seest how it ended."
" Yes. How did it becnn?"
355
" There was no witness but the slaves. They said
the slave that was most valuable got free of his bonds
and escaped in some strange way — by magic arts
'twas thought, by reason that he had no key, and
the locks were neither broke nor in any wise injured.
When the master discovered his loss, he was mad
with despair, and threw himself upon his people with
his heavy stick, who resisted and brake his back and
in other and divers ways did give him hurts that
brought him swiftly to his end."
"This is dreadful. It will go hard with the slaves,
no doubt, upon the trial."
" Marry, the trial is over."
"Over!"
" Would they be a week, think you — and the matter
so simple? They were not the half of a quarter of
an hour at it."
" Why, I don't see how they could determine which
were the guilty ones in so short a time."
" Which ones ? Indeed they considered not partic
ulars like to that. They condemned them in a body.
Wit ye not the law? — which men say the Romans
left behind them here when they went — that if one
slave killeth his master all the slaves of that man
must die for it."
" True. I had forgotten. And when will these
die?"
" Belike within a four and twenty hours ; albeit
some say they will wait a pair of days more, if perad-
venture they may find the missing one meantime."
The missing one! It made me feel uncomfortable.
" Is it likely they will find him ?"
" Before the day is spent — yes. They seek him
356
everywhere. They stand at the gates of the town,
with certain of the slaves who will discover him to
them if he cometh, and none can pass out but he will
be first examined."
" Might one see the place where the rest are con
fined?"
" The outside of it — yes. The inside of it — but
ye will not want to see that."
I took the address of that prison, for future reference,
and then sauntered off. At the first second-hand
clothing shop I came to, up a back street, I got a
rough rig suitable for a common seaman who might
be going on a cold voyage, and bound up my face
with a liberal bandage, saying I had a toothache.
This concealed my worst bruises. It was a transfor
mation. I no longer resembled my former self. Then
I struck out for that wire, found it and followed it to
its den. It was a little room over a butcher's shop —
which meant that business wasn't very brisk in the
telegraphic line. The young chap in charge was
drowsing at his table. I locked the door and put the
vast key in my bosom. This alarmed the young
fellow, and he was going to make a noise ; but I
said :
" Save your wind ; if you open your mouth you are
dead, sure. Tackle your instrument. Lively, now !
Call Camelot."
"This doth amaze me! How should such as you
know aught of such matters as — "
" Call Camelot ! I am a desperate man. Call
Camelot, or get away from the instrument and I will
do it myself."
"What— you?"
357
" Yes — certainly. Stop gabbling. Call the palace."
He made the call.
" Now then, call Clarence."
" Clarence wtw ?"
" Never mind Clarence who. Say you want Clar
ence; you'll get an answer."
He did so. We waited five nerve-straining minutes
—ten minutes — how long it did seem ! — and then
came a click that was as familiar to me as a human
voice ; for Clarence had been my own pupil.
" Now, my lad, vacate ! They would have known
my touch, maybe, and so your call was surest ; but
I'm all right, now."
He vacated the place and cocked his ear to listen —
but it didn't win. I used a cipher. I didn't waste
any time in sociabilities with Clarence, but squared
away for business, straight-off — thus :
"The king is here and in danger. We were capt
ured and brought here as slaves. We should not be
able to prove our identity — and the fact is, I am not
in a position to try. Send a telegram for the palace
here which will carry conviction with it."
His answer came straight back:
" They don't know anything about the telegraph ;
they haven't had any experience yet, the line to Lon
don is so new. Better not venture that. They might
hang you. Think up something else."
Might hang us ! Little he knew how closely he
was crowding the facts. I couldn't think up any
thing for the moment. Then an idea struck me, and
I started it along :
" Send five hundred picked knights with Launcelot
in the lead; and send them on the jump. Let them
24 CY
358
enter by the southwest gate, and look out for the
man with a white cloth around his right arm."
The answer was prompt :
"They shall start in half an hour."
" All right, Clarence ; now tell this lad here that I'm
a friend of yours and a dead-head : and that he must
be discreet and say nothing about this visit of mine."
The instrument began to talk to the youth and I
hurried away. I fell to ciphering. In half an hour it
would be nine o'clock. Knights and horses in heavy
armor couldn't travel very fast. These would make
the best time they could, and now that the ground
was in good condition, and no snow or mud, they
would probably make a seven-mile gait ; they would
have to change horses a couple of times ; they would
arrive about six, or a little after ; it would still be
plenty light enough ; they would see the white cloth
which I should tie around my right arm, and I would
take command. We would surround that prison and
have the king out in no time. It would be showy
and picturesque enough, all things considered, though
I would have preferred noonday, on account of the
more theatrical aspect the thing would have.
Now then, in order to increase the strings to my
bow, I thought I would look up some of those people
whom I had formerly recognized, and make myself
known. That would help us out of our scrape, with
out the knights. But I must proceed cautiously, for
it was a risky business. I must get into sumptuous
raiment, and it wouldn't do to run and jump into it.
No, I must work up to it by degrees, buying suit
after suit of clothes, in shops wide apart, and getting
a little finer article with each change, until I should
359
finally reach silk and velvet, and be ready for my
project. So I started.
But the scheme fell through like scat ! The first
corner I turned, I came plump upon one of our slaves,
snooping around with a watchman. I coughed, at
the moment, and he gave me a sudden look that bit
right into my marrow. I judge he thought he had
heard that cough before. I turned immediately into
a shop and worked along down the counter, pricing
things and watching out of the corner of my eye.
Those people had stopped, and were talking together
and looking in at the door. I made up my mind to
get out the back way, if there was a back way, and I
asked the shopwoman if I could step out there and
look for the escaped slave, who was believed to be in
hiding back there somewhere, and said I was an officer
in disguise, and my pard was yonder at the door with
one of the murderers in charge, and would she be
good enough to step there and tell him he needn't
wait, but had better go at once to the further end of
the back alley and be ready to head him off when I
rousted him out.
She was blazing with eagerness to see one of those
already celebrated murderers, and she started on the
errand at once. I slipped out the back way, locked
the door behind me, put the key in my pocket and
started off, chuckling to myself and comfortable.
Well, I had gone and spoiled it again, made another
mistake. A double one, in fact. There were plenty
of ways to get rid of that officer by some simple and
plausible device, but no, I must pick out a picturesque
one ; it is the crying defect of my character. And
then, I had ordered my procedure upon what the offi-
cer, being human, would naturally do ; whereas when
you are least expecting it, a man will now and then
go and do the very thing which it's not natural for him
to do. The natural thing for the officer to do, in this
case, was to follow straight on my heels ; he would
find a stout oaken door, securely locked, between him
and me ; before he could break it down, I should be
far away and engaged in slipping into a succession of
baffling disguises which would soon get me into a sort
of raiment which was a surer protection from med
dling law-dogs in Britain than any amount of mere in-
nocence and purity of character. But instead of doing
the natural thing, the officer took me at my word, and
followed my instructions. And so, as I came trotting
out of that cul de sac, full of satisfaction with my own
cleverness, he turned the corner and I walked right
into his handcuffs. If I had known it was a cul de sac
— however, there isn't any excusing a blunder like
that, let it go. Charge it up to profit and loss.
Of course I was indignant, and swore I had just
come ashore from a long voyage, and all that sort of
thing — just to see, you know, if it would deceive that
slave. But it didn't. He knew me. Then I re
proached him for betraying me. He was more sur
prised than hurt. He stretched his eyes wide, and
said :
" What, wouldst have me let thee, of all men, escape
and not hang with us, when thou'rt the very cause of
our hanging ? Go to !"
" Go to " was their way of saying " I should smile !"
or " I like that !" Queer talkers, those people.
Well, there was a sort of bastard justice in his view
of the case, and so I dropped the matter. When you
361
can't cure a disaster by argument, what is the use to
argue ? It isn't my way. So I only said :
" You're not going to be hanged. None of us are."
Both men laughed, and the slave said :
" Ye have not ranked as a fool — before. You might
better keep your reputation, seeing the strain would
not be for long."
" It will stand it, I reckon. Before to-morrow we
shall be out of prison, and free to go where we will,
besides."
The witty officer lifted at his left ear with his
thumb, made a rasping noise in his throat, and said:
" Out of prison — yes — ye say true. And free like
wise to go where ye will, so ye wander not out of his
grace the Devil's sultry realm."
I kept my temper, and said, indifferently:
" Now I suppose you really think we are going to
hang within a day or two."
" I thought it not many minutes ago, for so the
thing was decided and proclaimed."
" Ah, then you've changed your mind, is that it ?"
" Even that. I only thought, then ; I know, now."
I felt sarcastical, so I said :
" Oh, sapient servant of the law, condescend to tell
us, then, what you know"
"That ye will all be hanged to-day, at mid -af
ternoon ! Oho ! that shot hit home ! Lean upon
me."
The fact is I did need to lean upon somebody. My
knights couldn't arrive in time. They would be as much
as three hours too late. Nothing in the world could
save the King of England ; nor me, which was more
important. More important, not merely to me, but
362
to the nation— the only nation on earth standing ready
to blossom into civilization. I was sick. I said no
more, there wasn't anything to say. I knew what the
man meant; that if the missing slave was found, the
postponement would be revoked, the execution take
place to-day. Well, the missing slave was found.
CHAPTER XXXVIII
SIR LAUNCELOT AND KNIGHTS TO THE RESCUE
NEARING four in the afternoon. The scene was just
outside the walls of London. A cool, comfortable,
superb day, with a brilliant sun ; the kind of day to
make one want to live, not die. The multitude was
prodigious and far reaching; and yet we fifteen poor
devils hadn't a friend in it. There was something
painful in that thought, look at it how you might.
There we sat, on our tall scaffold, the butt of the hate
and mockery of all those enemies. We were being
made a holiday spectacle. They had built a sort of
grand stand for the nobility and gentry, and these were
there in full force, with their ladies. We recognized
a good many of them.
The crowd got a brief and unexpected dash of di
version out of the king. The moment we were freed
of our bonds he sprang up, in his fantastic rags, with
face bruised out of all recognition, and proclaimed
himself Arthur, King of Britain, and denounced the
awful penalties of treason upon every soul there pres
ent if hair of his sacred head were touched. It
startled and surprised him to hear them break into
a vast roar of laughter. It wounded his dignity, and
he locked himself up in silence, then, although the
crowd begged him to go on, and tried to provoke
him to it by cat-calls, jeers, and shouts of
364
" Let him speak ! The king ! The king ! his hum-
ble subjects hunger and thirst for words of wisdom out
of the mouth of their master his Serene and Sacred
Raggedness!"
But it went for nothing. He put on all his majesty
and sat under this rain of contempt and insult un
moved. He certainly was great in his way. Absent
ly, I had taken off my white bandage and wound it
about my right arm. When the crowd noticed this,
they began upon me. They said :
" Doubtless this sailor-man is his minister — observe
his costly badge of office !"
I let them go on until they got tired, and then I
said :
" Yes, I am his minister, The Boss ; and to-morrow
you will hear that from Camelot which—
I got no further. They drowned me out with joy
ous derision. But presently there was silence; for the
sheriffs of London, in their official robes, with their
subordinates, began to make a stir which indicated
that business was about to begin. In the hush which
followed, our crime was recited, the death warrant read,
then everybody uncovered while a priest uttered a
prayer.
Then a slave was blindfolded, the hangman unslung
his rope. There lay the smooth road below us, we
upon one side of it, the banked multitude walling its
other side — a good clear road, and kept free by the
police — how good it would be to see my five hundred
horsemen come tearing down it ! But, no, it was out
of the possibilities. I followed its receding thread out
into the distance — not a horseman on it, or sign of
one.
,11 IS I'KALTISIM.; ON THK OflET
36$
There was a jerk, and the slave hung dangling;
dangling and hideously squirming, for his limbs were
not tied.
A second rope was unslung, in a moment another
slave was dangling.
In a minute a third slave was struggling in the air.
It was dreadful. I turned away my head a moment,
and when I turned back I missed the king! They
were blindfolding him ! I was paralyzed ; I couldn't
move, I was choking, my tongue was petrified. They
finished blindfolding him, they led him under the rope.
I couldn't shake off that clinging impotence. But
when I saw them put the noose around his neck, then
everything let go in me and I made a spring to the
rescue — and as I made it I shot one more glance
abroad — by George, here they came, a-tilting ! — five
hundred mailed and belted knights on bicycles !
The grandest sight that ever was seen. Lord, how
the plumes streamed, how the sun flamed and flashed
from the endless procession of webby wheels !
I waved my right arm as Launcelot swept in — he
recognized my rag — I tore away noose and bandage,
and shouted :
" On your knees, every rascal of you, and salute the
king ! Who fails shall sup in hell to-night !"
I always use that high style when I'm climaxing an
effect. Well, it was noble to see Launcelot and the
boys swarm up onto that scaffold and heave sheriffs
and such overboard. And it was fine to see that as
tonished multitude go down on their knees and beg
their lives of the king they had just been deriding
and insulting. And as he stood apart, there, receiving
this homage in his rags, I thought to myself, well
366
really there is something peculiarly grand about the
gait and bearing of a king, after all.
1 was immensely satisfied. Take the whole situa
tion all around, it was one of the gaudiest effects I
ever instigated.
And presently up comes Clarence, his own self !
and winks, and says, very modernly :
" Good deal of a surprise, wasn't it? I knew you'd
like it. I've had the boys practising, this long time,
privately ; and just hungry for a chance to show off."
CHAPTER XXXIX
THE YANKEE'S FIGHT WITH THE KNIGHTS
HOME again, at Camelot. A morning or two later
I found the paper, damp from the press, by my plate
at the breakfast table. I turned to the advertising
columns, knowing I should find something of personal
interest to me there. It was this :
DE FAR LE ROI.
•^now that the great lord and illus
trious kniSht, CIR SAGRAMOR LE
DESIROUS naving condescended to
me^t the Kin^'* Minister, Hank Mor
gan, the which is surname*! The Boss,
for satisfaction of offence anciently given,
these WI!L engage m the lists by
Cain<*iot asout tne fourth hour ot tne
mormng m the sixteenth dav of this
next succeeding month. The bBttle
wiil be a Toutrance, sith the said offence
was of a deadly sort, admitting: ^ no
composition.
DE PAR T,E
368
Clarence's editorial reference to this affair was to
this effect :
chdrew. It will be observed, by a glynce at our
weak maintained advertising columns, that the commu-
there since, soon nity is to be favore 1 A\ith a treat of un-
listic have witq ' usual interest in the tournament line.
oked interest
upon the
The names of the artists are warrant of
good enterrainment. The box-office
will be open at noon of the 131)1; ad
mission 3 cents, reserved seats 5 ; pro
ceeds to go to the hospital fund ^he
royal pan and all the Court will be pres-
men : ent. With these exceptions, and the
of our unde*- >he i press and the clergy, tne free list is strict-
i guidance of tha I ly suspended. Parties are hereby warn-
or aid in a'known ed against buying tickets of speculators;
ie great enterprise
ot »».aking pure ;
esem
'uovement haa its
origin in preven-
thev \vill not be good at the door.
Everybody knows ana likes The Boss,
everybody knows ana likes Sir Sag. ;
come, let us give tne lads a good senH-
off. ReMember, tne proceeds go to a
has ever heen a ! great and free chanty, and one whose
sions in our broad begevolence su'etcnes out. its help-
en of j\[is- : ing hand, warm with the blood of a lov-
other one I ing heait, to all that suyer, regardless o*
ospel, ! race, deed, condition or colui— the
f
by- j only chaiity yet established in the earth
e j which has no politico-religiou? stop-
Tnelcock on its compassion, but says Here
..ha same , flows the stream, let all come and
Co represent 'drink! J,urn out, al1 hands! fetch along
ized thirty ot your doughnuts and your gum-drops
needs and hear- i and have a good time. Pie for sale on
vhich.jjyears ago ! , the grounc/s, and rocks to crack it with;
•r^sgn was osgan- j also ciRcus-lemonade — three drops of
ng, the missions, : lime juice to a barrel of water.
so that both had j N. B. This is the first tournament
'o withdraw' and i under the new law, wkidh allows each
much to their ' combatant to use any weapon he may pre-
grief, | fer. You want to make a n^t^ of -jutf}
our disappointn.
dromptly and -
two of their felo
erlain, and or .
ers havecaliea^ -
spoken, yo" ^
furnisned fc~
their uc^, -\
make anc*
the 5{ir^
letters
o; introu
duction whi
they are un»h
ing friends to us
ried, and leav« tht
thot"kind words Bnr.
which you, m_> joy-
hind ; and it is a
home matter ~r b
it is our durp
direct them tc
now under the f
g field* as ar
y^nese^younS met
are warm-hearten
azirl, regions beX
not to " build i.
ond,'( and the
der instructi
ons of our
another man
founhati's on.^
ociety, which
They go un
say tqat " inr
ionaries to mon
*?y sanding mist
Up to the day set, there was no talk in all Britain of
anything but this combat. All other topics sank into
insignificance and passed out of men's thoughts and
interest. It was not because a tournament was a great
matter ; it was not because Sir Sagramor had found
the Holy Grail, for he had not, but had failed ; it was
not because the second (official) personage in the king
dom was one of the duellists ; no, all these features
were commonplace. Yet there was abundant reason
for the extraordinary interest which this coming fight
was creating. It was born of the fact that all the na
tion knew that this was not to be a duel between mere
men, so to speak, but a duel between two mighty ma
gicians ; a duel not of muscle but of mind, not of hu
man skill but of superhuman art and craft ; a final
struggle for supremacy between the two master en
chanters of the age. It was realized that the most
prodigious achievements of the most renowned knights
could not be worthy of comparison with a spectacle
like this ; they could be but child's play, contrasted
with this mysterious and awful battle of the gods.
Yes, all the world knew it was going to be in reality a
duel between Merlin and me, a measuring of his magic
powers against mine. It was known that Merlin had
been busy whole days and nights together, imbuing
Sir Sagramor's arms and armor with supernal powers
of offence and defence, and that he had procured for
him from the spirits of the air a fleecy veil which
would render the wearer invisible to his antagonist
while still visible to other men. Against Sir Sagra
mor, so weaponed and protected, a thousand knights
could accomplish nothing; against him no known en
chantments could prevail. These facts were sure ; re-
37Q
garding them there was no doubt, no reason for doubt.
There was but one question : might there be still other
enchantments, unknown to Merlin, which could render
Sir Sagramor's veil transparent to me, and make his
enchanted mail vulnerable to my weapons ? This was
the one thing to be decided in the lists. Until then
the world must remain in suspense.
So the world thought there was a vast matter at
stake here, and the world was right, but it was not the
one they had in their minds. No, a far vaster one was
upon the cast of this die : tJie life of knigJit-errantry.
I was a champion, it was true, but not the champion
of the frivolous black arts, I was the champion of hard
unsentimental common-sense and reason. I was enter
ing the lists to either destroy knight-errantry or be its
victim.
Vast as the show -grounds were, there were no va
cant spaces in them outside of the lists, at ten o'clock
on the morning of the i6th. The mammoth grand
stand was clothed in flags, streamers, and rich tapes
tries, and packed with several acres of small-fry tribu
tary kings, their suites, and the British aristocracy ;
with our own royal gang in the chief place, and each
and every individual a flashing prism of gaudy silks
and velvets — well, I never saw anything to begin wkh
it but a fight between an Upper Mississippi sunset and
the aurorjL_h£trealis. The huge camp of beflagged and
gay-colored tents at one end of the lists, with a stiff-
standing sentinel at every door and a shining shield
hanging by him for challenge, was another fine sight.
You see, every knight was there who had any ambition
or any caste feeling ; for my feeling toward their order
was not much of a secret, and so here was their chance.
37i
If I won my fight with Sir Sagramor, others would
have the right to call me out as long as I might be
willing to respond.
Down at our end there were but two tents ; one for
me, and another for my servants. At the appointed
hour the king made a sign, and the heralds, in their
tabards, appeared and made proclamation, naming the
combatants and stating the cause of quarrel. There
was a pause, then a ringing bugle-blast, which was the
signal for us to come forth. All the multitude caught
their breath, and an eager curiosity flashed into every
face.
Out from his tent rode great Sir Sagramor, an im
posing tower of iron, stately and rigid, his huge spear
standing upright in its socket and grasped in his strong
hand, his grand horse's face and breast cased in steel,
his body clothed in rich trappings that almost dragged
the ground — oh, a most noble picture. A great shout
went up, of welcome and admiration.
And then out I came. But I didn't get any shout.
There was a wondering and eloquent silence, for a mo
ment, then a great wave of laughter began to sweep
along that human sea, but a warning bugle-blast cut
its career short. I was in the simplest and comforta-
blest of gymnast costumes — flesh-colored tights from
neck to heel, with blue silk puffings about my loins,
and bareheaded. My horse was not above medium
size, but he was alert, slender -limbed, muscled with
watch-springs, and just a greyhound to go. He was a
beauty, glossy as silk, and naked as he was when he
was born, except for bridle and ranger-saddle.
The iron tower and the gorgeous bed-quilt came
cumbrously but gracefully pirouetting down the lists,
372
and we tripped lightly up to meet them. We halted ;
the tower saluted, I responded ; then we wheeled and
rode side by side to the grand-stand and faced our
king and queen, to whom we made obeisance. The
queen exclaimed :
" Alack, Sir Boss, wilt fight naked, and without lance
or sword or — "
But the king checked her and made her understand,
with a polite phrase or two, that this was none of her
business. The bugles rang again ; and we separated
and rode to the ends of the lists, and took position.
Now old Merlin stepped into view and cast a dainty
web of gossamer threads over Sir Sagramor which
turned him into Hamlet's ghost ; the king made a
sign, the bugles blew, Sir Sagramor laid his great
lance in rest, and the next moment here he came
thundering down the course with his veil flying out
behind, and I went whistling through the air like an
arrow to meet him — cocking my ear, the while, as if
noting the invisible knight's position and progress by
hearing, not sight. A chorus of encouraging shouts
burst out for him, and one brave voice flung out a
heartening word for me — said :
" Go it, slim Jim !"
It was an even bet that Clarence had procured that
favor for me — and furnished the language, too. When
that formidable lance-point was within a yard and a
half of my breast I twitched my horse aside without an
effort and the big knight swept by, scoring a blank.
I got plenty of applause that time. We turned, braced
up, and down we came again. Another blank for the
knight, a roar of applause for me. This same thing
was repeated once more ; and it fetched such a whirl-
373
wind of applause that Sir Sagramor lost his temper,
and at once changed his tactics and set himself the
task of chasing me down. Why, he hadn't any show
in the world at that ; it was a game of tag, with all the
advantage on my side ; I whirled out of his path with
ease whenever I chose, and once I slapped him on the
back as I went to the rear. Finally I took the chase
into my own hands ; and after that, turn, or twist, or
do what he would, he was never able to get behind
me again ; he found himself always in front, at the end
of his manoeuvre. So he gave up that business and re
tired to his end of the lists. His temper was clear
gone, now, and he forgot himself and flung an insult at
me which disposed of mine. I slipped my lasso from
the horn of my saddle, and grasped the coil in my right
hand. This time you should have seen him cornel-
it was a business trip, sure ; by his gait there was blood
in his eye. I was sitting my horse at ease, and swing
ing the great loop of my lasso in wide circles about
my head ; the moment he was under way, I started for
him ; when the space between us had narrowed to
forty feet,. I sent the snaky spirals of the rope a-cleav-
ing through the air, then darted aside and faced about
and brought my trained animal to a halt with all his
feet braced under him for a surge. The next moment
the rope sprang taut and yanked Sir Sagramor out of
the saddle ! Great Scott, but there was a sensation !
Unquestionably the popular thing in this world is
novelty. These people had never seen anything of
that cowboy business before, and it carried them clear
oif their feet with delight. From all around and every
where, the shout went up—
" Encore ! encore !"
23 CY
374
I wondered where they got the word, but there was
no time to cipher on philological matters, because the
whole knight-errantry hive was just humming, now,
and my prospect for trade couldn't have been better.
The moment my lasso was released and Sir Sagramor
had been assisted to his tent, I hauled in the slack,
took my station and began to swing my loop around
my head again. I was sure to have use for it as soon
as they could elect a successor for Sir Sagramor, and
that couldn't take long where there were so many
hungry candidates. Indeed, they elected one straight
off — Sir Hervis de Revel.
Bsz ! Here he came, like a house afire ; I dodged ;
he passed like a flash, with my horse-hair coils settling
around his neck; a second or so later, fst ! his saddle
was empty.
I got another encore ; and another, and another, and
still another. When I had snaked five men out, things
began to look serious to the iron-clads, and they
stopped and consulted together. As a result, they
decided that it was time to waive etiquette and send
their greatest and best against me. To the astonish
ment of that little world, I lassoed Sir Lamorak de
Galis, and after him Sir Galahad. So you see there
was simply nothing to be done, now, but play their
right bower — bring out the superbest of the superb,
the mightiest of the mighty, the great Sir Launcelot
himself !
A proud moment for me ? I should think so. Yon
der was Arthur, King of Britain ; yonder was Guen-
ever; yes, and whole tribes of little provincial kings
and kinglets ; and in the tented camp yonder, re
nowned knights from many lands ; and likewise the
375
selectest body known to chivalry, the Knights of the
Table Round, the most illustrious in Christendom ;
and biggest fact of all, the very sun of their shining
system was yonder couching his lance, the focal point
of forty thousand adoring eyes ; and all by myself,
here was I laying for him. Across my mind flitted
the dear image of a certain hello-girl of West Hart
ford, and I wished she could see me now. In that mo
ment, down came the Invincible, with the rush of a
whirlwind — the courtly world rose to its feet and bent
forward — the fateful coils went circling through the
air, and before you could wink I was towing Sir Laun-
celot across the field on his back, and kissing my hand
to the storm of waving kerchiefs and the thunder-
crash of applause that greeted me !
Said I to myself, as I coiled my lariat and hung it
on my saddle-horn, and sat there drunk with glory,
" The victory is perfect — no other will venture against
me — knight-errantry is dead." Now imagine my as
tonishment — and everybody else's too — to hear the
peculiar bugle-call which announces that another com
petitor is about to enter the lists ! There was a mys
tery here ; I couldn't account for this thing. Next, I
noticed Merlin gliding away from me ; and then I
noticed that my lasso was gone ! The old sleight-of-
hand expert had stolen it, sure, and slipped it under
his robe.
The bugle blew again. I looked, and down came
Sagramor riding again, with his dust brushed off and
his veil nicely re-arranged. I trotted up to meet him,
and pretended to find him by the sound of his horse's
hoofs. He said :
" Thou'rt quick of car, but it will not save thee from
376
this !" and he touched the hilt of his great sword.
"An ye are not able to see it, because of the influence
of the veil, know that it is no cumbrous lance, but a
sword — and I ween ye will not be able to avoid it."
His visor was up ; there was death in his smile. I
should never be able to dodge his sword, that was
plain. Somebody was going to die, this time. If he
got the drop on me, I could name the corpse. We
rode forward together, and saluted the royalties. This
time the king was disturbed. He said :
" Where is thy strange weapon ?"
" It is stolen, sire."
" Hast another at hand?"
" No, sire, I brought only the one."
Then Merlin mixed in :
" He brought but the one because there was but the
one to bring. There exists none other but that one.
It belongeth to the king of the Demons of the Sea.
This man is a pretender, and ignorant ; else he had
known that that weapon can be used in but eight
bouts only, and then it vanisheth away to its home
under the sea."
" Then is he weaponless," said the king. " Sir Sag-
ramor, ye will grant him leave to borrow."
" And I will lend !" said Sir Launcelot, limping up.
" He is as brave a knight of his hands as any that be
on live, and he shall have mine."
He put his hand on his sword to draw it, but Sir
Sagramor said :
" Stay, it may not be. He shall fight with his own
weapons ; it was his privilege to choose them and
bring them. If he has erred, on his head be it."
" Knight !" said the king. " Thou'rt overwrought
377
with passion ; it disorders thy mind. Wouldst kill a
naked man ?"
11 An he do it, he shall answer it to me," said Sir
Launcelot.
" I will answer it to any he that desireth !" retorted
Sir Sagramor hotly.
Merlin broke in, rubbing his hands and smiling his
lowdownest smile of malicious gratification :
" Tis well said, right well said ! And 'tis enough of
parleying, let my lord the king deliver the battle
signal."
The, king had to yield. The bugle made proclama
tion, and we turned apart and rode to our stations.
There we stood, a hundred yards apart, facing each
other, rigid and motionless, like horsed statues. And
so we remained, in a soundless hush, as much as a full
minute, everybody gazing, nobody stirring. It seemed
as if the king could not take heart to give the signal.
But at last he lifted his hand, the clear note of the
bugle followed, Sir Sagramor's long blade described
a flashing curve in the air, and it was superb to see
him come. I sat still. On he came. I did not move.
People got so excited that they shouted to me :
" Fly, fly ! Save thyself ! This is murther !"
I never budged so much as an inch, till that thun
dering apparition had got within fifteen paces of me ;
then I snatched a dragoon revolver out of my holster,
there was a flash and a roar, and the revolver was back
in the holster before anybody could tell what had
happened.
Here was a riderless horse plunging by, and yonder
lay Sir Sagramor, stone dead.
The people that ran to him were stricken dumb to
378
find that the life was actually gone out of the man and
no reason for it visible, no hurt upon his body, noth
ing like a wound. There was a hole through the
breast of his chain-mail, but they attached no impor
tance to a little thing like that ; and as a bullet-wound
there produces but little blood, none came in sight be
cause of the clothing and swaddlings under the armor.
The body was dragged over to let the king and the
swells look down upon it. They were stupefied with
astonishment, naturally. I was requested to come and
explain the miracle. But I remained in my tracks,
like a statue, and said :
" If it is a command, I will come, but my lord the
king knows that I am where the laws of combat require
me to remain while any desire to come against me."
I waited. Nobody challenged. Then I said :
" If there are any who doubt that this field is well
and fairly won, I do not wait for them to challenge
me, I challenge them."
" It is a gallant offer," said the king, " and well be
seems you. Whom will you name, first?"
" I name none, I challenge all ! Here I stand, and
dare the chivalry of England to come against me —
not by individuals, but in mass !"
" What !" shouted a score of knights.
" You have heard the challenge. Take it, or I pro
claim you recreant knights and vanquished, every
one !"
It was a "bluff" you know. At such a time it is
sound judgment to put on a bold face and play your
hand for a hundred times what it is worth; forty-nine
times out of fifty nobody dares to "call," and you
rake in the chips. But just this once — well, things
379
looked squally ! In just no time, five hundred knights
were scrambling into their saddles, and before you
could wink a widely scattering drove were under way
and clattering down upon me. I snatched both re
volvers from the holsters and began to measure dis
tances and calculate chances.
Bang! One saddle empty. Bang! another one.
Bang — bang ! and I bagged two. Well it was nip and
tuck with us, and I knew it. If I spent the eleventh
shot without convincing these people, the twelfth man
would kill me, sure. And so I never did feel so happy
as I did when my ninth downed its man and I detect
ed the wavering in the crowd which is premonitory of
panic. An instant lost now, could knock out my last
chance. But I didn't lose it. I raised both revolvers
and pointed them — the halted host stood their ground
just about one good square moment, then broke and
fled.
The day was mine. Knight-errantry was a doomed
institution. The march of civilization was begun.
How did I feel? Ah you never could imagine it.
And Brer Merlin ? His stock was flat again. Some
how, every time the magic of fol-de-rol tried conclu
sions with the magic of science, the magic of fol-de-rol
got left.
CHAPTER XL
THREE YEARS LATER
WHEN I broke the back of knight-errantry that
time, I no longer felt obliged to work in secret. So,
the very next day I exposed my hidden schools, my
mines, and my vast system of clandestine factories
and work-shops to an astonished world. That is to
say, I exposed the nineteenth century to the inspec
tion of the sixth.
Well it is always a good plan to follow up an ad
vantage promptly. The knights were temporarily
down, but if I would keep them so I must just sim
ply paralyze them — nothing short of that would an
swer. You see, I was " bluffing " that last time, in
the field ; it would be natural for them to work around
to that conclusion, if I gave them a chance. So I
must not give them time: and I didn't.
I renewed my challenge, engraved it on brass, post
ed it up where any priest could read it to them, and
also kept it standing, in the advertising columns of
the paper.
I not only renewed it, but added to its proportions.
I said, name the day, and I would take fifty assistants
and stand up against the massed chivalry of the whole
earth and destroy it.
I was not bluffing this time. I meant what I said ;
I could do what I promised. There wasn't any way
to misunderstand the language of that challenge.
Even the dullest of the chivalry perceived that this
was a plain case of " put up, or shut up." They were
wise and did the latter. In all the next three years
they gave me no trouble worth mentioning.
Consider the three years sped. Now look around
on England. A happy and prosperous country, and
strangely altered. Schools everywhere, and several
colleges ; a number of pretty good newspapers. Even
authorship was taking a start ; Sir Dinadan the Hu
morist was first in the field, with a volume of gray-
headed jokes which I had been familiar with during
thirteen centuries. If he had left out that old rancid
one about the lecturer I wouldn't have said anything ;
but I couldn't stand that one. I suppressed the book
and hanged the author.
Slavery was dead and gone ; all men were equal
before the law; taxation had been equalized. The
telegraph, the telephone, the phonograph, the type
writer, the sewing-machine, and all the thousand will
ing and handy servants of steam and electricity were
working their way into favor. We had a steamboat
or two on the Thames, we had steam war-ships, and
the beginnings of a steam commercial marine ; I was
getting ready to send out an expedition to discover
America.
We were building several lines of railway, and our
line from Camelot to London was already finished and
in operation. I was shrewd enough to make all offices
connected with the passenger service places of high
and distinguished honor. My idea was to attract the
chivalry and nobility, and make them useful and keep
them out of mischief. The plan worked very well,
the competition for the places was hot. The conduct
or of the 4.33 express was a duke, there wasn't a pas
senger conductor on the line below the degree of earl.
They were good men, every one, but they had two
defects which I couldn't cure, and so had to wink at :
they wouldn't lay aside their armor, and they would
"knock down" fares — I mean rob the company.
There was hardly a knight in all the land who
wasn't in some useful employment. They were going
from end to end of the country in all manner of use
ful missionary capacities ; their penchant for wander
ing, and their experience in it, made them altogether
the most effective spreaders of civilization we had.
They went clothed in steel and equipped with sword
and lance and battle-axe, and if they couldn't per
suade a person to try a sewing-machine on the instal
ment plan, or a melodeon, or a barbed-wire fence, or
a prohibition journal, or any of the other thousand
and one things they canvassed for, they removed him
and passed on.
I was very happy. Things were working steadily
towards a secretly longed-for point. You see, I had
two schemes in my head which were the vastest of
all my projects. The one was, to overthrow the Cath
olic Church and set up the Protestant faith on its
ruins — not as an Established Church, but a-go-as-you-
please one ; and the other project was, to get a decree
issued by -and -by, commanding that upon Arthur's
death unlimited suffrage should be introduced, and
given to men and women alike — at any rate to all
men, wise or unwise, and to all mothers who at mid
dle age should be found to know nearly as much as
their sons at twenty-one. Arthur was good for thirty
years yet, he being about my own age — that is to
say, forty — and I believed that in that time I could
easily have the active part of the population of that
day ready and eager for an event which should be the
first of its kind in the history of the world — a rounded
and complete governmental revolution without blood
shed. The result to be a republic. Well, I may as
well confess, though I do feel ashamed when I think
of it : I was beginning to have a base hankering to be
its first president myself. Yes, there was more or less
human nature in me ; I found that out.
Clarence was with me as concerned the revolution,
but in a modified way. His idea was a republic, with
out privileged orders but with a hereditary royal fam
ily at the head of it instead of an elective chief magis
trate. He believed that no nation that had ever known
the joy of worshipping a royal family could ever be
robbed of it and not fade away and die of melancholy.
I urged that kings were dangerous. He said, then
have cats. He was sure that a royal family of cats
would answer every purpose. They would be as use
ful as any other royal family, they would know as
much, they would have the same virtues and the same
treacheries, the same disposition to get up shindies
with other royal cats, they would be laughably vain
and absurd and never know it, they would be wholly
inexpensive ; finally, they would have as sound a di
vine right as any other royal house, and "Tom VII.,
or Tom XL, or Tom XIV. by the grace of God King,"
would sound as well as it would when applied to the
ordinary royal tomcat with tights on. " And as a
rule," said he, in his neat modern English, " the char-
384
acter of these cats would be considerably above the
character of the average king, and this would be an
immense moral advantage to the nation, for the reason
that a nation always models its morals after its mon
arch's. The worship of royalty being founded in un
reason, these graceful and harmless cats would easily
become as sacred as any other royalties, and indeed
more so, because it would presently be noticed that
they hanged nobody, beheaded nobody, imprisoned
nobody, inflicted no cruelties or injustices of any
sort, and so must be worthy of a deeper love and rev
erence than the customary human king, and would
certainly get it. The eyes of the whole harried world
would soon be fixed upon this humane and gentle
system, and royal butchers would presently begin to
disappear ; their subjects would fill the vacancies
with catlings from our own royal house ; we should
become a factory ; we should supply the thrones of
the world ; within forty years all Europe would be
governed by cats, and we should furnish the cats.
The reign of universal peace would begin then, to
end no more forever Me-e-e-yow-ow-ow-ow —
fzt ! — wow /"
Hang him, I supposed he was in earnest, and was be
ginning to be persuaded by him, until he exploded that
cat-howl and startled me almost out of my clothes.
But he never could be in earnest. He didn't know
what it was. He had pictured a distinct and perfectly
rational and feasible improvement upon constitutional
monarchy, but he was too feather-headed to know it,
or care anything about it, either. I was going to give
him a scolding, but Sandy came flying in at that mo
ment, wild with terror, and so choked with sobs that
for a minute she could not get her voice. I ran and
took her in my arms, and lavished caresses upon her
and said, beseechingly:
" Speak, darling, speak ! What is it ?"
Her head fell limp upon my bosom, and she gasped,
almost inaudibly :
" HELLO, CENTRAL!"
" Quick !" I shouted to Clarence ; " telephone the
king's homeopath to come!"
In two minutes I was kneeling by the child's crib,
and Sandy was dispatching servants here, there arid
everywhere, all over the palace. I took in the situa
tion almost at a glance — membraneous croup ! I bent
down and whispered :
" Wake up, sweetheart ! Hello-Central !"
She opened her soft eyes languidly, and made out
to say—
" Papa."
That was a comfort. She was far from dead, yet.
I sent for preparations of sulphur, I rousted out the
croup-kettle myself ; for I don't sit down and wait for
doctors when Sandy or the child is sick. I knew how
to nurse both of them, and had had experience. This
little chap had lived in my arms a good part of its
small life, and often I could soothe away its troubles
and get it to laugh through the tear-dews on its eye
lashes when even its mother couldn't.
Sir Launcelot, in his richest armor, came striding
along the great hall, now, on his way to the stock-
board ; he was president of the stock-board, and occu
pied the Siege Perilous, which he had bought of Sir
Galahad ; for the stock-board consisted of the Knights
of the Round Table, and they used the Round Table
386
for business purposes, now. Seats at it were worth —
well, you would never believe the figure, so it is no
use to state it. Sir Launcelot was a bear, and he had
put up a corner in one of the new lines, and was just
getting ready to squeeze the shorts to-day ; but what
of that ? He was the same old Launcelot, and when
he glanced in as he was passing the door and found
out that his pet was sick, that was enough for him ;
bulls and bears might fight it out their own way for
all him, he would come right in here and stand by
little Hello-Central for all he was worth. And that
was what he did. He shied his helmet into the cor
ner, and in half a minute he had a new wick in the
alcohol lamp and was firing up on the croup-kettle.
By this time Sandy had built a blanket canopy over
the crib, and everything was ready.
Sir Launcelot got up steam, he and I loaded up the
kettle with unslaked lime and carbolic acid, with a
touch of lactic acid added thereto, then filled the thing
up with water and inserted the steam-spout under the
canopy. Everything was ship-shape, now, and we sat
down on either side of the crib to stand our watch.
Sandy was so grateful and so comforted that she
charged a couple of church-wardens with willow-bark
and sumach-tobacco for us, and told us to smoke as
much as we pleased, it couldn't get under the canopy,
and she was used to smoke, being the first lady in the
land who had ever seen a cloud blown. Well, there
couldn't be a more contented or comfortable sight
than Sir Launcelot in his noble armor sitting in gra
cious serenity at the end of a yard of snowy church
warden. He was a beautiful man, a lovely man, and
was just intended to make a wife and children happy.
But of course, Guenever — however, it's no use to cry
over what's done and can't be helped.
Well, he stood watch -and -watch with me, right
straight through, for three days and nights, till the
child was out of danger; then he took her up in his
great arms and kissed her, with his plumes fall
ing about her golden head, then laid her softly in
Sandy's lap again and took his stately way down the
vast hall, between the ranks of admiring men-at-arms
and menials, and so disappeared. And no instinct
warned me that I should never look upon him again
in this world! Lord, what a world of heart-break
it is.
The doctors said we must take the child away, if
we would coax her back to health and strength again.
And she must have sea-air. So we took a man-of-war,
and a suite of two hundred and sixty persons, and
went cruising about, and after a fortnight of this we
stepped ashore on the French coast, and the doctors
thought it would be a good idea to make something
of a stay there. The little king of that region offered
us his hospitalities, and we were glad to accept. If he
had had as many conveniences as he lacked, we should
have been plenty comfortable enough ; even as it was,
we made out very well, in his queer old castle, by the
help of comforts and luxuries from the ship.
At the end of a month I sent the vessel home for
fresh supplies, and for news. We expected her back
in three or four days. She would bring me, along
with other news, the result of a certain experiment
which I had been starting. It was a project of mine
to replace the tournament with something which might
furnish an escape for the extra steam of the chivalry,
388
keep those bucks entertained and out of mischief, and
at the same time preserve the best thing in them,
which was their hardy spirit of emulation. I had had
a choice band of them in private training for some
time, and the date was now arriving for their first
public effort.
This experiment was base-ball. In order to give
the thing vogue from the start, and place it out of the
reach of criticism, I chose my nines by rank, not ca
pacity. There wasn't a knight in either team who
wasn't a sceptred sovereign. As for material of this
sort, there was a glut of it, always, around Arthur.
You couldn't throw a brick in any direction and not
cripple a king. Of course I couldn't get these people
to leave off their armor ; they wouldn't do that when
they bathed. They consented to differentiate the
armor so that a body could tell one team from the
other, but that was the most they would do. So, one
of the teams wore chain-mail ulsters, and the other
wore plate-armor made of my new Bessemer steel.
Their practice in the field was the most fantastic thing
I ever saw. Being ball-proof, they never skipped out
of the way, but stood still and took the result ; when
a Bessemer was at the bat and a ball hit him, it would
bound a hundred and fifty yards, sometimes. And
when a man was running, and threw himself on his
stomach to slide to his base, it was like an iron-clad
coming into port. At first I appointed men of no
rank to act as umpires, but I had to discontinue that.
These people were no easier to please than other nines.
The umpire's first decision was usually his last; they
broke him in two with a bat, and his friends toted him
home on a shutter. When it was noticed that no um-
3^9
pire ever survived a game, umpiring got to be unpopu
lar. So I was obliged to appoint somebody whose
rank and lofty position under the government would
protect him.
Here are the names of the nines :
BESSEMERS ULSTERS
KING ARTHUR. EMPEROR Lucius.
KING LOT OF LOTHIAN. KING LOGRIS.
KING OF NORTHGALIS. KING MARHALT OF IRELAND.
KING MARSIL. KING MORGANORE.
KING OF LITTLE BRITAIN. KING MARK OF CORNWALL.
KING LABOR. KING NENTRES OF GARLOT.
KING PELLAM OF LISTENGESE. KING MELIODAS OF LIONES.
KING BAGDEMAGUS. KING OF THE LAKE.
KING TOLLEME LA FEINTES. THE SOWDAN OF SYRIA.
Umpire — CLARENCE.
The first public game would certainly draw fifty
thousand people ; and for solid fun would be worth
going around the world to see. Everything would be
favorable ; it was balmy and beautiful spring weather,
now, and Nature was all tailored out in her new
clothes.
26 CY
CHAPTER XLI
THE INTERDICT
HOWEVER, my attention was suddenly snatched
from such matters ; our child began to lose ground
again, and we had to go to sitting up with her, her
case became so serious. We couldn't bear to allow
anybody to help, in this service, so we two stood
watch-and-watch, day in and day out. Ah, Sandy,
what a right heart she had, how simple, and genuine,
and good she was ! She was a flawless wife and
mother ; and yet I had married her for no other par
ticular reason, except that by the customs of chivalry
she was my property until some knight should win her
from me in the field. She had hunted Britain over
for me ; had found me at the hanging-bout outside of
London, and had straightway resumed her old place
at my side in the placidest way and as of right. I was
a New Englander, and in my opinion this sort of
partnership would compromise her, sooner or later.
She couldn't see how, but I cut argument short and
we had a wedding.
Now I didn't know I was drawing a prize, yet that
was what I did draw. Within the twelvemonth I be
came her worshipper ; and ours was the dearest and
perfectcst comradeship that ever was. People talk
about beautiful friendships between two persons of
391
the same sex. What is the best of that sort, as com
pared with the friendship of man and wife, where the
best impulses and highest ideals of both are the same ?
There is no place for comparison between the two
friendships ; the one is earthly, the other divine.
In my dreams, along at first, I still wandered thir
teen centuries away, and my unsatisfied spirit went
calling and harking all up and down the unreplying
vacancies of a vanished world. Many a time Sandy
heard that imploring cry come from my lips in my
sleep. With a grand magnanimity she saddled that
cry of mine upon our child, conceiving it to be the
name of some lost darling of mine. It touched me to
tears, and it also nearly knocked me off my feet, too,
when she smiled up in my face for an earned reward,
and played her quaint and pretty surprise upon me:
" The name of one who was dear to thee is here pre
served, here made holy, and the music of it will abide
alway in our ears. Now thou'lt kiss me, as knowing
the name I have given the child."
But I didn't know it, all the same. I hadn't an
idea in the world , but it would have been cruel to
confess it and spoil her pretty game ; so I never let
on, but said :
" Yes, I know, sweetheart — how dear and good it is
of you, too ! But I want to hear these lips of yours,
which are also mine, utter it first — then its music will
be perfect."
Pleased to the marrow, she murmured —
" HELLO-CENTRAL!"
I didn't laugh — I am always thankful for that — but
the strain ruptured every cartilage in me, and for weeks
afterward I could hear my bones clack when I walked.
392
She never found out her mistake. The first time she
heard that form of salute used at the telephone she
was surprised, and not pleased ; but I told her I had
given order for it : that henceforth and forever the
telephone must always be invoked with that reverent
formality, in perpetual honor and remembrance of my
lost friend and her small namesake. This was not
true. But it answered.
Well, during two weeks and a half we watched by
the crib, and in our deep solicitude we were uncon
scious of any world outside of that sick-room. Then
our reward came : the centre of the universe turned
the corner and began to mend. Grateful ? It isn't
the term. There isrit any term for it. You know
that, yourself, if you've watched your child through
the Valley of the Shadow and seen it come back to
life and sweep night out of the earth with one all-
illuminating smile that you could cover with your
hand.
Why, we were back in this world in one instant !
Then we looked the same startled thought into each
other's eyes at the same moment : more than two
weeks gone, and that ship not back yet !
In another minute I appeared in the presence of
my train. They had been steeped in troubled bod-
ings all this time — their faces showed it. I called
an escort and we galloped five miles to a hill-top over
looking the sea. Where was my great commerce that
so lately had made these glistening expanses popu
lous and beautiful with its white-winged flocks? Van
ished, every one ! Not a sail, from verge to verge,
not a smoke-bank — just a dead and empty solitude,
in place of all that brisk and breezy life.
393
I went swiftly back, saying not a word to anybody.
I told Sandy this ghastly news. We could imagine
no explanation that would begin to explain. Had
there been an invasion? an earthquake? a pestilence?
Had the nation been swept out of existence? But
guessing was profitless. I must go — at once. I bor
rowed the king's navy — a " ship " no bigger than a
steam launch — and was soon ready.
The parting — ah, yes, that was hard. As I was
devouring the child with last kisses, it brisked up and
jabbered out its vocabulary ! — the first time in more
than two weeks, and it made fools of us for joy. The
darling mispronunciations of childhood ! — dear me,
there's no music that can touch it ; and how one
grieves when it wastes away and dissolves into cor
rectness, knowing it will never visit his bereaved ear
again. Well, how good it was to be able to carry
that gracious memory away with me !
I approached England the next morning, with the
wide highway of salt water all to myself. There were
ships in the harbor, at Dover, but they were naked as
to sails, and there was no sign of life about them. It
was Sunday ; yet at Canterbury the streets were empty ;
strangest of all, there was not even a priest in sight,
and no stroke of a bell fell upon my ear. The mourn-
fulness of death was everywhere. I couldn't under
stand it. At last, in the further edge of that town I
saw a small funeral procession — just a family and a
few friends following a coffin — no priest; a funeral
without bell, book or candle ; there was a church
there, close at hand, but they passed it by, weeping,
and did not enter it; I glanced up at the belfry, and
there hung the bell, shrouded in black, and its tongue
394
tied back. Now I knew ! Now I understood the stu
pendous calamity that had overtaken England. In
vasion? Invasion is a triviality to it. It was the IN
TERDICT !
I asked no questions •, I didn't need to ask any.
The Church had struck ; the thing for me to do was
to get into a disguise, and. go warily. One of my
servants gave me a suit of his clothes, and when we
were safe beyond the town I put them on, and from
that time I travelled alone ; I could not risk the em
barrassment of company.
A miserable journey. A desolate silence every
where. Even in London itself. Traffic had ceased ;
men did not talk or laugh, or go in groups, or even
in couples ; they moved aimlessly about, each man
by himself, with his head down, and woe and terror
at his heart. The Tower showed recent war-scars.
Verily, much had been happening.
Of course I meant to take the train for Camelot.
Train ! Why, the station was as vacant as a cavern.
I moved on. The journey to Camelot was a repeti
tion of what I had already seen. The Monday and
the Tuesday differed in no way from the Sunday. I
arrived, far in the night. From being the best elec
tric-lighted town in the kingdom and the most like
a recumbent sun of anything you ever saw, it was be
come simply a blot — a blot upon darkness — that is to
say, it was darker and solider than the rest of the
darkness, and so you could see it a little better ; it
made me feel as if maybe it was symbolical — a sort
of sign that the Church was going to keep the upper
hand, now, and snuff out all my beautiful civilization
just like that. I found no life stirring in the sombre
395
streets. I groped my way with a heavy heart. The
vast castle loomed black upon the hill-top, not a spark
visible about it. The drawbridge was down, the great
gate stood wide, I entered without challenge, my own
heels making the only sound I heard — and it was se
pulchral enough, in those huge vacant courts.
CHAPTER XLII
WAR!
I FOUND Clarence, alone in his quarters, drowned in
melancholy ; and in place of the electric light, he had
reinstituted the ancient rag -lamp, and sat there in a
grisly twilight with all curtains drawn tight. He
sprang up and rushed for me eagerly, saying :
" Oh, it's worth a billion milrays to look upon a live
person again !"
He knew me as easily as if I hadn't been disguised
at all. Which frightened me ; one may easily believe
that.
" Quick, now, tell me the meaning of this fearful
disaster," I said. " How did it come about?"
" Well, if there hadn't been any Queen Guenever, it
wouldn't have come so early; but it would have come,
anyway. It would have come on your own account,
by -and -by; by luck, it happened to come on the
queen's."
" And Sir Launcelot's ?"
" Just so."
" Give me the details."
" I reckon you will grant that during some years
there has been only one pair of eyes in these king
doms that has not been looking steadily askance at
the queen and Sir Launcelot — "
397
" Yes, King Arthur's."
" — and only one heart that was without sus
picion — "
"Yes — the king's; a heart that isn't capable of
thinking evil of a friend."
" Well, the king might have gone on, still happy and
unsuspecting, to the end of his days, but for one of
your modern improvements — the stock-board. When
you left, three miles of the London, Canterbury and
Dover were ready for the rails, and also ready and ripe
for manipulation in the stock-market. It was wild
cat, and everybody knew it. The stock was for sale at
a give-away. What does Sir Launcelot do, but — "
" Yes, I know ; he quietly picked up nearly all of it,
for a song ; then he bought about twice as much more,
deliverable upon call , and he was about to call when I
left."
" Very well, he did call. The boys couldn't deliver.
Oh, he had them — and he just settled his grip and
squeezed them. They were laughing in their sleeves
over their smartness in selling stock to him at 15 and
1 6 and along there, that wasn't worth 10. Well, when
they had laughed long enough on that side of their
mouths, they rested-up that side by shifting the laugh
to the other side. That was when they compromised
with the Invincible at 283 !"
"Good land!"
"He skinned them alive, and they deserved it — any
way, the whole kingdom rejoiced. Well, among the
flayed were Sir Agravaine and Sir Mordred, nephews
to the king. End of the first act. Act second, scene
first, an apartment in Carlisle castle, where the court
had gone for a few day's hunting. Persons present,
the whole tribe of the king's nephews. Mordred and
Agravaine propose to call the guileless Arthur's atten
tion to Guenever and Sir Launcelot. Sir Gawaine,
Sir Gareth, and Sir Gaheris will have nothing to do
with it. A dispute ensues, with loud talk; in the
midst of it, enter the king. Mordred and Agravaine
spring their devastating tale upon him. Tableau. A
trap is laid for Launcelot, by the king's command, and
Sir Launcelot walks into it. He made it sufficiently
uncomfortable for the ambushed witnesses — to-wit,
Mordred, Agravaine, and twelve knights of lesser rank,
for he killed every one of them but Mordred ; but of
course that couldn't straighten matters between Laun
celot and the king, and didn't."
" Oh, dear, only one thing could result — I see that.
War, and the knights of the realm divided into a king's
party and a Sir Launcelot's party."
" Yes — that was the way of it. The king sent the
queen to the stake, proposing to purify her with fire.
Launcelot and his knights rescued her, and in doing it
slew certain good old friends of yours and mine — in
fact, some of the best we ever had ; to-wit, Sir Belias
le Orgulous, Sir Segwarides, Sir Griflet le Fils de Dieu,
Sir Brandiles, Sir Aglovale — "
" Oh, you tear out my heartstrings."
" — wait, I'm not done yet— Sir Tor, Sir Gauter, Sir
Gillimer —
" The very best man in my subordinate nine. What
a handy right-fielder he was !"
" — Sir Reynold's three brothers, Sir Damus, Sir
Priamus, Sir Kay the Stranger — "
"My peerless short -stop! I've seen him catch a
daisy-cutter in his teeth. Come, I can't stand this!"
399
" — Sir Driant, Sir Lambegus, Sir Herminde, Sir Per-
tilope, Sir Perimones, and — whom do you think?"
" Rush ! Go on."
" Sir Gaheris, and Sir Gareth — both !"
" Oh, incredible ! Their love for Launcelot was in
destructible."
" Well, it was an accident. They were simply on
lookers ; they were unarmed, and were merely there to
witness the queen's punishment. Sir Launcelot smote
down whoever came in the way of his blind fury, and
he killed these without noticing who they were. Here
is an instantaneous photograph one of our boys got of
the battle ; it's for sale on every news stand. There —
the figures nearest the queen are Sir Launcelot with
his sword up, and Sir Gareth gasping his latest breath.
You can catch the agony in the queen's face through
the curling smoke. It's a rattling battle-picture."
"Indeed it is. We must take good care of it; its
historical value is incalculable. Go on."
" Well, the rest of the tale is just war, pure and sim
ple. Launcelot retreated to his town and castle of
Joyous Gard, and gathered there a great following of
knights. The king, with a great host, went there, and
there was desperate fighting during several days, and
as a result, all the plain around was paved with corpses
and cast iron. Then the Church patched up a peace
between Authur and Launcelot and the queen and
everybody — everybody but Sir Gawaine. He was bit
ter about the slaying of his brothers, Gareth and Ga
heris, and would not be appeased. He notified Laun
celot to get him thence, and make swift preparation,
and look to be soon attacked. So Launcelot sailed to
his Duchy of Guienne, with his following, and Gawaine
400
soon followed, with an army, and he beguiled Arthur
to go with him. Arthur left the kingdom in Sir Mor-
dred's hands until you should return—
"Ah — a king's customary wisdom !"
" Yes. Sir Mordred set himself at once to work to
make his kingship permanent. He was going to marry
Guenever, as a first move ; but she fled and shut her
self up in the Tower of London. Mordred attacked :
the Bishop of Canterbury dropped down on him with
the Interdict. The king returned ; Mordred fought
him at Dover, at Canterbury, and again at Barham
Down. Then there was talk of peace and a compo
sition. Terms, Mordred to have Cornwall and Kent
during Arthur's life, and the whole kingdom afterward."
" Well, upon my word ! My dream of a republic to
be a dream, and so remain."
" Yes. The two armies lay near Salisbury. Ga-
waine — Gawaine's head is at Dover Castle, he fell in
the fight there — Gawaine appeared to Arthur in a
dream, at least his ghost did, and warned him to refrain
from conflict for a month, let the delay cost what
it might. But battle was precipitated by an acci
dent. Arthur had given order that if a sword was
raised during the consultation over the proposed treaty
with Mordred, sound the trumpet and fall on ! for he
had no confidence in Mordred. Mordred had given a
similar order to his people. Well, by-and-by an adder
bit a knight's heel ; the knight forgot all about the
order, and made a slash at the adder with his sword.
Inside of half a minute those two prodigious hosts
came together with a crash ! They butchered away
all day. Then the king — however, we have started
something fresh since you left — our paper has."
401
11 No? What is that?"
" War correspondence !"
" Why, that's good."
"Yes, the paper was booming right along, for the
Interdict made no impression, got no grip, while the
war lasted. I had war correspondents with both
armies. I will finish that battle by reading you what
one of the boys says :
Then the king looked about him, and then was he ware
of all his host and of all his good knights were left no more on
live but two knights, that was Sir Lucan de Butlere, and his
brother Sir Bedivere : and they were full sore wounded. Jesu
mercy, said the king, where are all my noble knights becomen ?
Alas that ever I should see this doleful day. For now, said
Arthur, I am come to mine end. But would to God that I
wist where were that traitor Sir Mordred, that hath caused all
this mischief. Then was King Arthur ware where Sir Mordred
leaned upon his sword among a great heap of dead men. Now
give me my spear, said Arthur unto Sir Lucan, for yonder I
have espied the traitor that all this woe hath wrought. Sir, let
him be, said Sir Lucan, for he is unhappy; and if ye pass this
unhappy day, ye shall be right well revenged upon him. Good
lord, remember ye of your night's dream, and what the spirit
of Sir Gawaine told you this night, yet God of his great good
ness hath preserved you hitherto. Therefore, for God's sake,
my lord, leave off by this. For blessed be God ye have won
the field : for here we be three on live, and with Sir Mordred
is none on live. And if ye leave off now, this wicked day of
destiny is past. Tide me death, betide me life, saith the king,
now I see him yonder alone, he shall never escape mine hands,
for at a better avail shall I never have him. God speed you
well, said Sir Bedivere. Then the king gat his spear in both
his hands, and ran toward Sir Mordred, crying, Traitor, now is
thy death day come. And when Sir Mordred heard Sir Arthur,
he ran until him with his sword drawn in his hand. And then
King Arthur smote Sir Mordred under the shield, with a foin
402
of his spear throughout the body more than a fathom. And
when Sir Mordred felt that he had his death's wound, he
thrust himself, with the might that he had, up to the but of
King Arthur's spear. And right so he smote his father Arthur
with his sword holden in both his hands, on the side of the
head, that the sword pierced the helmet and the brain-pan, and
therewithal Sir Mordred fell stark dead to the earth. And the
noble Arthur fell in a swoon to the earth, and there he swooned
oft-times.
" That is a good piece of war correspondence, Clar
ence ; you are a first-rate newspaper man. Well — is
the king all right ? Did he get well ?"
" Poor soul, no. He is dead."
I was utterly stunned ; it had not seemed to me that
any wound could be mortal to him.
" And the queen, Clarence?"
" She is a nun, in Almesbury."
" What changes ! and in such a short while. It is in
conceivable. What next, I wonder?"
" I can tell you what next."
"Well?"
" Stake our lives and stand by them !"
"What do you mean by that?"
"The Church is master, now. The Interdict in
cluded you with Mordred ; it is not to be removed
while you remain alive. The clans are gathering. The
Church has gathered all the knights that are left alive,
and as soon as you are discovered we shall have busi
ness on our hands."
" Stuff ! With our deadly scientific war-material ;
with our hosts of trained — "
"Save your breath — we haven't sixty faithful
left !'-'
403
"What are you saying? Our schools, our colleges,
our vast workshops, our —
" When those knights come, those establishments
will empty themselves and go over to the enemy. Did
you think you had educated the superstition out of
those people?"
" I certainly did think it."
" Well, then, you may unthink it. They stood every
strain easily — until the Interdict. Since then, they
merely put on a bold outside — at heart they are quak
ing. Make up your mind to it — when the armies come,
the mask will fall."
" It's hard news. We are lost. They will turn our
own science against us."
" No they won't."
"Why?"
" Because I and a handful of the faithful have
blocked that game. I'll tell you what I've done, and
what moved me to it. Smart as you are, the Church
was smarter. It was the Church that sent you cruis
ing — through her servants the doctors."
"Clarence!"
" It is the truth. I know it. Every officer of your
ship was the Church's picked servant, and so was
every man of the crew."
" Oh, come !"
" It is just as I tell you. I did not find out these
things at once, but I found them out finally. Did
you send me verbal information, by the commander
of the ship, to the effect that upon his return to you,
with supplies, you were going to leave Cadiz — "
" Cadiz ! I haven't been at Cadiz at all !"
" — going to leave Cadiz and cruise in distant seas
404
indefinitely, for the health of your family? Did you
send me that word ?"
" Of course not. I would have written, wouldn't
I?"
" Naturally. I was troubled and suspicious. When
the commander sailed again I managed to ship a spy
with him. I have never heard of vessel or spy since.
I gave myself two weeks to hear from you in. Then
I resolved to send a ship to Cadiz. There was a
reason why I didn't."
" What was that ?"
" Our navy had suddenly and mysteriously disap
peared ! Also as suddenly and as mys. 2riously, the
railway and telegraph and telephone service ceased,
the men all deserted, poles were cut down, the Church
laid a ban upon the electric light ! I had to be up and
doing — and straight off. Your life was safe — nobody
in these kingdoms but Merlin would venture to touch
such a magician as you without ten thousand men at
his back — I had nothing to think of but how to put
preparations in the best trim against your coming. I
felt safe myself — nobody would be anxious to touch a
pet of yours. So this is what I did. From our vari
ous works I selected all the men — boys I mean—
whose faithfulness under whatsoever pressure I could
swear to, and I called them together secretly and gave
them their instructions. There are fifty-two of them ;
none younger than fourteen, and none above seven
teen years old."
" Why did you select boys ?"
" Because all the others were born in an atmosphere
of superstition and reared in it. It is in their blood
and bones. We imagined we had educated it out of
4Q5
them ; they thought so, too; the Interdict woke them
up like a thunderclap! It revealed them to them
selves, and it revealed them to me, too. With boys it
was different. Such as have been under our training
from seven to ten years have had no acquaintance
with the Church's terrors, and it was among these that
I found my fifty-two. As a next move, I paid a pri
vate visit to that old cave of Merlin's — not the small
one — the big one — "
" Yes, the one where we secretly established our
first great electric plant when I was projecting a
miracle."
" Just so. And as that miracle hadn't become nec
essary then, I thought it might be a good idea to
utilize the plant now. I've provisioned the cave for a
siege—"
" A good idea, a first-rate idea."
" I think so. I placed four of my boys there as a
guard — inside, and out of sight. Nobody was to be
hurt — while outside ; but any attempt to enter — well,
we said just let anybody try it ! Then I went out
into the hills and uncovered and cut the secret wires
which connected your bedroom with the wires that go
to the dynamite deposits under all our vast factories,
mills, workshops, magazines, etc., and about midnight
I and my boys turned out and connected that wire
with the cave, and nobody but you and I suspects
where the other end of it goes to. We laid it under
ground, of course, and it was all finished in a couple
of hours or so. We sha'n't have to leave our fortress,
now, when we want to blow up our civilization."
"It was the right move — and the natural one; a
military necessity, in the changed condition of things.
406
Well, what changes have come ! We expected to be
besieged in the palace some time or other, but — how
ever, go on."
" Next, we built a wire fence."
"Wire fence?"
" Yes. You dropped the hint of it yourself, two or
three years ago."
" Oh, I remember — the time the Church tried her
strength against us the first time, and presently
thought it wise to wait for a hopefuler season. Well,
how have you arranged the fence ?"
"I start twelve immensely strong wires — naked,
not insulated — from a big dynamo in the cave — dy
namo with no brushes except a positive and a nega
tive one — "
" Yes, that's right."
"The wires go out from the cave and fence in a cir
cle of level ground a hundred yards in diameter ; they
make twelve independent fences, ten feet apart — that
is to say, twelve circles within circles — and their ends
come into the cave again."
" Right ; go on."
" The fences are fastened to heavy oaken posts
only three feet apart, and these posts are sunk five feet
in the ground."
" That is good and strong."
"Yes. The wires have no ground-connection out
side of the cave. They go out from the positive
brush of the dynamo ; there is a ground-connection
through the negative brush ; the other ends of the
wire return to the cave, and each is grounded inde
pendently."
" No-no, that won't do !"
4Q7
-Why?"
" It's too expensive — uses up force for nothing.
You don't want any ground-connection except the
one through the negative brush. The other end of
every wire must be brought back into the cave and fast
ened independently, and without any ground-connec
tion. Now, then, observe the economy of it. A cav
alry charge hurls itself against the fence ; you are
using no power, you are spending no money, for there
is only one ground-connection till those horses come
against the wire ; the moment they touch it they form
a connection with the negative brush through the
ground, and drop dead. Don't you see ? — you are
using no energy until it is needed ; your lightning is
there, and ready, like the load in a gun ; but it isn't
costing you a cent till you touch it off. Oh, yes, the
single ground-connection—
" Of course ! I don't know how I overlooked that.
It's not only cheaper, but it's more effectual than the
other way, for if wires break or get tangled, no harm
is done."
" No, especially if we have a tell-tale in the cave
and disconnect the broken wire. Well, go on. The
gatlings?"
"Yes — that's arranged. In the centre of the inner
circle, on a spacious platform six feet high, I've
grouped a battery of thirteen gatling guns, and pro
vided plenty of ammunition."
" That's it. They command every approach, and
when the Church's knights arrive, there's going to be
music. The brow of the precipice over the cave — "
" I've got a wire fence there, and a gatling. They
won't drop any rocks down on us."
408
" Well, and the glass-cylinder dynamite torpedoes?"
" That's attended to. It's the prettiest garden that
was ever planted. It's a belt forty feet wide, and goes
around the outer fence — distance between it and the
fence one hundred yards — kind of neutral ground, that
space is. There isn't a single square yard of that
whole belt but is equipped with a torpedo. We laid
them on the surface of the ground, and sprinkled a
layer of sand over them. It's an innocent looking
garden, but you let a man start in to hoe it once, and
you'll see."
"You tested the torpedoes?"
" Well, I was going to, but — "
" But what ? Why, it's an immense oversight not
to apply a —
" Test ? Yes, I know ; but they're all right ; I laid
a few in the public road beyond our lines and they've
been tested."
" Oh, that alters the case. Who did it ?"
"A Church committee."
" How kind !"
"Yes. They came to command us to make sub
mission. You see they didn't really come to test the
torpedoes ; that was merely an incident."
" Did the committee make a report ?"
" Yes, they made one. You could have heard it a
mile."
" Unanimous ?"
" That was the nature of it. After that I put up
some signs, for the protection of future committees,
and we have had no intruders since."
" Clarence, you've done a world of work, and done
it perfectly."
4Q9
" We had plenty of time for it ; there wasn't any oc
casion for hurry."
We sat silent awhile, thinking. Then my mind was
made up, and I said :
"Yes, everything is ready; everything is ship-shape,
no detail is wanting. I know what to do, now."
" So do I : sit down and wait."
" No, sir! rise up and strike /"
" Do you mean it?"
" Yes, indeed ! The defensive isn't in my line, and
the 0/fensive is. That is, when I hold a fair hand —
two-thirds as good a hand as the enemy. Oh, yes,
we'll rise up and strike ; that's our game."
" A hundred to one, you are right. When does the
performance begin ?"
" Now ! We'll proclaim the Republic."
" Well, that will precipitate things, sure enough !"
" It will make them buzz, / tell you ! England will
be a hornet's nest before noon to-morrow, if the
Church's hand hasn't lost its cunning — and we know
it hasn't. Now you write and I'll dictate — thus:
•• PROCLAMATION
" BE IT KNOWN UNTO ALL. Whereas the king hav
ing died and left no heir, it becomes my duty to continue the
executive authority vested in me, until a government shall
have been created and set in motion. The monarchy has
lapsed, it no longer exists. By consequence, all political power
has reverted to its original source, the people of the nation.
With the monarchy, its several adjuncts died also; wherefore
there is no longer a nobility, no longer a privileged class, no
longer an Established Church : all men are become exactly
equal, they are upon one common level, and religion is free.
4io
A Republic zs hereby proclaimed, as being the natural estate of
a nation when other authority has ceased. It is the duty of
the British people to meet together immediately, and by their
votes elect representatives and deliver into their hands the
government."
I signed it " The Boss," and dated it from Merlin's
Cave. Clarence said :
" Why, that tells where we are, and invites them to
call right away."
" That is the idea. We strike — by the Proclama
tion — then it's their innings. Now have the thing set
up and printed and posted, right off ; that is, give the
order; thqn, if you've got a couple of bicycles handy
at the foot of the hill, ho for Merlin's Cave !"
" I shall be ready in ten minutes. What a cyclone
there is going to be to-morrow when this piece of
paper gets to work ! It's a pleasant old pal
ace, this is; I wonder if we shall ever again — but
never mind about that."
CHAPTER XLIII
THE BATTLE OF THE SAND-BELT
IN Merlin's Cave — Clarence and I and fifty -two
fresh, bright, well-educated, clean-minded young Brit
ish boys. At dawn I sent an order to the factories
and to all our great works to stop operations and re
move all life to a safe distance, as everything was go
ing to be blown up by secret mines, " and no telling
at what moment — tJicrefore, vacate at once" These
people knew me, and had confidence in my word.
They would clear out without waiting to part their
hair, and I could take my own time about dating the
explosion. You couldn't hire one of them to go back
during the century, if the explosion was still impending.
We had a week of waiting. It was not dull for me,
because I was writing all the time. During the first
three days, I finished turning my old diary into this
narrative form ; it only required a chapter or so to
bring it down to date. The rest of the week I took
up in writing letters to my wife. It was always my
habit to write to Sandy every day, whenever we were
separate, and now I kept up the habit for love of it,
and of her, though I couldn't do anything with the
letters, of course, after I had written them. But it
put in the time, you see, and was almost like talking;
it was almost as if I was saying, " Sandy, if you and
412
Hello-Central were here in the cave, instead of only
your photographs, what good times we could have !"
And then, you know, I could imagine the baby goo-
gooing something out in reply, with its fists in its
mouth and itself stretched across its mother's lap
on its back, and she a-laughing and admiring and wor
shipping, and now and then tickling under the baby's
chin to set it cackling, and then maybe throwing in a
word of answer to me herself — and so on and so on —
well, don't you know, I could sit there in the cave
with my pen, and keep it up, that way, by the hour
with them. Why, it was almost like having us all to
gether again.
I had spies out, every night, of course, to get news.
Every report made things look more and more im
pressive. The hosts were gathering, gathering ; down
all the roads and paths of England the knights were
riding, and priests rode with them, to hearten these
original Crusaders, this being the Church's war. All
the nobilities, big and little, were on their way, and
all the gentry. This was all as was expected. We
should thin out this sort of folk to such a degree that
the people would have nothing to do but just step to
the front with their republic and —
Ah, what a donkey I was ! Toward the end of the
week I began to get this large and disenchanting fact
through my head : that the mass of the nation had
swung their caps and shouted for the republic for
about one day, and there an end ! The Church, the
nobles, and the gentry then turned one grand, all-dis
approving frown upon them and shrivelled them into
sheep ! From that moment the sheep had begun to
gather to the fold — that is to say, the camps — and
413
offer their valueless lives and their valuablk wool to
the " righteous cause." Why, even the very men
who had lately been slaves were in the " righteous
cause," and glorifying it, praying for it, sentimentally
slabbering over it, just like all the other commoners.
Imagine such human muck as this; conceive of this
folly !
Yes, it was now " Death to the Republic !" every
where — not a dissenting voice. All England was
marching against us ! Truly this was more than I
had bargained for.
I watched my fifty -two boys narrowly; watched
their faces, their walk, their unconscious attitudes:
for all these are a language— a language given us pur
posely that it may betray us in times of emergency,
when we have secrets which we want to keep. I knew
that that thought would keep saying itself over and
over again in their minds and hearts, All England is
inarching against us ! and ever more strenuously im
ploring attention with each repetition, ever more
sharply realizing itself to their imaginations, until
even in their sleep they would find no rest from it,
but hear the vague and flitting creatures of their
dreams say, All England — ALL ENGLAND ! — is march
ing against you ! I knew all this would happen ; I knew
that ultimately the pressure would become so great
that it would compel utterance ; therefore, I must be
ready with an answer at that time — an answer well
chosen and tranquillizing.
I was right. The time came. They had to speak.
Poor lads, it was pitiful to see, they were so pale, so
worn, so troubled. At first their spokesman could
hardly find voice or words ; but he presently got both.
414
This is what he said — and he put it in the neat mod
ern English taught him in my schools :
" We have tried to forget what we are — English
boys ! We have tried to put reason before sentiment,
duty before love ; our minds approve, but our hearts
reproach us. While apparently it was only the nobil
ity, only the gentry, only the twenty -five or thirty
thousand knights left alive out of the late wars, we
were of one mind, and undisturbed by any troubling
doubt ; each and every one of these fifty-two lads who
stand here before you, said, * They have chosen — it is
their affair.' But think ! — the matter is altered — all
England is marching against us! Oh, sir, consider!
— reflect ! — these people are our people, they are bone
of our bone, flesh of our flesh, we love them — do not
ask us to destroy our nation !"
Well, it shows the value of looking ahead, and be
ing ready for a thing when it happens. If I hadn't
foreseen this thing and been fixed, that boy would
have had me ! — I couldn't have said a word. But I
was fixed. I said :
" My boys, your hearts are in the right place, you
have thought the worthy thought, you have done the
worthy thing. You are English boys, you will remain
English boys, and you will keep that name unsmirched.
Give yourselves no further concern, let your minds be
at peace. Consider this: while all England is march
ing against us, who is in the van ? Who, by the com
monest rules of war, will march in the front ? An
swer me."
" The mounted host of mailed knights."
" True. They are 30,0x30 strong. Acres deep, they
will march. Now, observe : none but they will ever
41$
strike the sand-belt : Then there will be an episode !
Immediately after, the civilian multitude in the rear
will retire, to meet business engagements elsewhere.
None but nobles and gentry are knights, and none but
these will remain to dance to our music after that
episode. It is absolutely true that we shall have to
fight nobody but these thirty thousand knights. Now
speak, and it shall be as you decide. Shall we avoid
the battle, retire from the field?"
"NO!!!"
The shout was unanimous and hearty.
"Are you — are you — well, afraid of these thirty
thousand knights?"
That joke brought out a good laugh, the boys'
troubles vanished away, and they went gaily to their
posts. Ah, they were a darling fifty-two ! As pretty
as girls, too.
I was ready for the enemy, now. Let the ap
proaching big day come along — it would find us on
deck.
The big day arrived on time. At dawn the sentry
on watch in the corral came into the cave and re
ported a moving black mass under the horizon, and
a faint sound which he thought to be military music.
Breakfast was just ready ; we sat down and ate it.
This over, I made the boys a little speech, and
then sent out a detail to man the battery, with Clar
ence in command of it.
The sun rose presently and sent its unobstructed
splendors over the land, and we saw a prodigious host
moving slowly toward us, with the steady drift and
aligned front of a wave of the sea. Nearer and nearer it
came, and more and more sublimely imposing became
416
its aspect ; yes, all England was there, apparently.
Soon we could see the innumerable banners fluttering,
and then the sun struck the sea of armor and set it all
aflash. Yes, it was a fine sight ; I hadn't ever seen
anything to beat it.
At last we could make out details. All the front
ranks, no telling how many acres deep, were horsemen
—plumed knights in armor. Suddenly we heard the
blare of trumpets ; the slow walk burst into a gallop,
and then — well, it was wonderful to see ! Down
swept that vast horses-shoe wave — it approached the
sand-belt — my breath stood still ; nearer, nearer — the
strip of green turf beyond the yellow belt grew narrow
—narrower still — became a mere ribbon in front of the
horses — then disappeared under their hoofs. Great
Scott ! Why, the whole front of that host shot into
the sky with a thunder-crash, and became a whirling
tempest of rags and fragments ; and along the ground
lay a thick wall of smoke that hid what was left of
the multitude from our sight.
Time for the second step in the plan of campaign !
I touched a button, and shook the bones of England
loose from her spine !
In that explosion all our noble civilization-facto
ries went up in the air and disappeared from the
earth. It was a pity, but it was necessary. We could
not afford to let the enemy turn our own weapons
against us.
Now ensued one of the dullest quarter-hours I had
ever endured. \Ve waited in a silent solitude enclosed
by our circles of wire, and by a circle of heavy smoke
outside of these. We couldn't see over the wall of
smoke, and we couldn't see through it. But at last
r
417
it began to shred away lazily, and by the end of
another quarter -hour the land was clear and our
curiosity was enabled to satisfy itself. No living
creature was in sight! We now perceived that addi
tions had been made to our defences. The dynamite
had dug a ditch more than a hundred feet wide, all
around us, and cast up an embankment some twenty-
five feet high on both borders of it. As to destruction
of life, it was amazing. Moreover, it was beyond esti
mate. Of course we could not count the dead, because
they did not exist as individuals, but merely as homo
geneous protoplasm, with alloys of iron and buttons.
No life was in sight, but necessarily there must
have been some wounded in the rear ranks, who were
carried off the field under cover of the wall of smoke ;
there would be sickness among the others — there
always is, after an episode like that. But there would
be no reinforcements ; this was the last stand of the
chivalry of England ; it was all that was left of the
order, after the recent annihilating wars. So I felt
quite safe in believing that the utmost force that
could for the future be brought against us would be
but small ; that is, of knights. I therefore issued a con
gratulatory proclamation to my army in these words:
SOLDIERS, CHAMPIONS OF HUMAN LIBERTY AND EQUAL
ITY: Your General congratulates you! In the pride of his
strength and the vanity of his renown, an arrogant enemy
came against you. You were ready. The conflict was brief;
on your side, glorious. This mighty victory having been
achieved utterly without loss, stands without example in his
tory. So long as the planets shall continue to move in their
orbits, the BATTLE OF THE SAND-BELT will not perish out of
the memories of men. THE BOSS.
I read it well, and the applause I got was very
gratifying to me. I then wound up with these re
marks :
" The war with the English nation, as a nation, is at an
end. The nation has retired from the field and the war.
Before it can be persuaded to return, war will have
ceased. This campaign is the only one that is going
to be fought. It will be brief — the briefest in history.
Also the most destructive to life, considered from the
standpoint of proportion of casualties to numbers
engaged. We are done with the nation ; henceforth
we deal only with the knights. English knights can
be killed, but they cannot be conquered. We know
what is before us. While one of these men remains
alive, our task is not finished, the war is not ended.
We will kill them all." [Loud and long continued
applause.]
I picketed the great embankments thrown up
around our lines by the dynamite explosion — merely
a lookout of a couple of boys to announce the enemy
when he should appear again.
Next, I sent an engineer and forty men to a point
just beyond our lines on the south, to turn a moun
tain brook that was there, and bring it within our
lines and under our command, arranging it in such a
way that I could make instant use of it in an emer
gency. The forty men were divided into two shifts
of twenty each, and were to relieve each other every
two hours. In ten hours the work was accomplished.
It was nightfall, now, and I withdrew my pickets.
The one who had had the northern outlook reported
a camp in sight, but visible with the glass only. He
also reported that a few knights had been feeling
419
their way toward us, and had driven some cattle
across our lines, but that the knights themselves had
not come very near. That was what I had been ex
pecting. They were feeling us, you see ; they wanted
to know if we were going to play that red terror on
them again. They would grow bolder in the night,
perhaps. I believed I knew what project they would
attempt, because it was plainly the thing I would
attempt myself if I were in their places and as igno
rant as they were. I mentioned it to Clarence.
" I think you are right," said he ; u it is the obvious
thing for them to try."
" Well, then," I said, " if they do it they are
doomed."
" Certainly."
" They won't have the slightest show in the world."
" Of course they won't."
" It's dreadful, Clarence. It seems an awful pity."
The thing disturbed me so, that I couldn't get any
peace of mind for thinking of it and worrying over it.
So, at last, to quiet my conscience, I framed this
message to the knights :
To THE HONORABLE THE COMMANDER OF THE INSURGENT
CHIVALRY OF ENGLAND : You fight in vain. We know your
strength — if one may call it by that name. We know that at
the utmost you cannot bring against us above five and twenty
thousand knights. Therefore, you have no chance — none
whatever. Reflect : we are well equipped, well fortified, we
number 54. Fifty-four what? Men? No, minds — the capa-
blest in the world; a force against which mere animal might
may no more hope to prevail than may the idle waves of the
sea hope to prevail against the granite barriers of England. Be
advised. We offer you your lives ; for the sake of your fam-
420
ilies, do not reject the gift. We offer you this chance, and it
is the last : throw down your arms ; surrender unconditionally
to the Republic, and all will be forgiven.
(Signed). THE Boss.
I read it to Clarence, and said I proposed to send
it by a flag of truce. He laughed the sarcastic laugh
he was born with, and said:
" Somehow it seems impossible for you to ever
fully realize what these nobilities are. Now let us
save a little time and trouble. Consider me the
commander of the knights yonder. Now then, you
are the flag of truce : approach and deliver me your
message, and I will give you your answer."
I humored the idea. I came forward under an
imaginary* guard of the enemy's soldiers, produced
my paper, and read it through. For answer, Clarence
struck the paper out of my hand, pursed up a scorn
ful lip and said with lofty disdain —
" Dismember me this animal, and return him in a
basket to the base-born knave who sent him ; other
answer have I none !"
How empty is theory in presence of fact ! And
this was just fact, and nothing else. It was the thing
that would have happened, there was no getting
around that. I tore up the paper and granted my
mistimed sentimentalities a permanent rest.
Then, to business. I tested the electric signals
from the gatling platform to the cave, and made sure
that they were all right ; I tested and retested those
which commanded the fences — these were signals
whereby I could break and renew the electric current
in each fence independently of the others, at will. I
placed the brook -connection under the guard and
HIGH CHURCH
421
authority of three of my best boys, who would alter
nate in two-hour watches all night and promptly obey
my signal, if I should have occasion to give it — three
revolver-shots in quick succession. Sentry-duty was
discarded for the night, and the corral left empty of
life; I ordered that quiet be maintained in the cave,
and the electric lights turned down to a glimmer.
As soon as it was good and dark, I shut off the
current from all of the fences, and then groped my
way out to the embankment bordering our side of the
great dynamite ditch. I crept to the top of it and
lay there on the slant of the muck to watch. But it
was too dark to see anything. As for sounds, there
were none. The stillness was death-like. True, there
were the usual night-sounds of the country — the whir
of night-birds, the buzzing of insects, the barking of
distant dogs, the mellow lowing of far-off kine — but
these didn't seem to break the stillness, they only in
tensified it, and added a grewsome melancholy to it
into the bargain.
I presently gave up looking, the night shut down
so black, but I kept my ears strained to catch the least
suspicious sound, for I judged I had only to wait and
I shouldn't be disappointed. However, I had to wait
a long time. At last I caught what you may call in
distinct glimpses of sound — dulled metallic sound. I
pricked up my ears, then, and held my breath, for
this was the sort of thing I had been waiting for.
This sound thickened, and approached — from toward
the north. Presently I heard it at my own level—
the ridge-top of the opposite embankment, a hundred
feet or more away. Then I seemed to see a row of
black dots appear along that ridge — human heads ? I
28 CY
422
couldn't tell ; it mightn't be anything at all ; you can't
depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of
focus. However, the question was soon settled. I
heard that metallic noise descending into the great
ditch. It augmented fast, it spread all along, and it
unmistakably furnished me this fact : an armed host
was taking up its quarters in the ditch. Yes, these
people were arranging a little surprise party for us.
We could expect entertainment about dawn, possibly
earlier.
I groped my way back to the corral, now ; I had
seen enough. I went to the platform and signalled
to turn the current onto the two inner fences. Then
I went into the cave, and found everything satisfactory
there — nobody awake but the working-watch. I woke
Clarence and told him the great ditch was filling up
with men, and that I believed all the knights were
coming for us in a body. It was my notion that as
soon as dawn approached we could expect the ditch's
ambuscaded thousands to swarm up over the embank
ment and make an assault, and be followed immediate
ly by the rest of their army.
Clarence said :
" They will be wanting to send a scout or two in
the dark to make preliminary observations. Why not
take the lightning off the outer fences, and give them
a chance?"
" I've already done it, Clarence. Did you ever know
me to be inhospitable?"
" No, you are a good heart. I. want to go and — "
" Be a reception committee? I will go, too."
We crossed the corral and lay down together be
tween the two inside fences. Even the dim light of
4*3
the cave had disordered our eyesight somewhat, but
the focus straightway began to regulate itself and soon
it was adjusted for present circumstances. We had
had to feel our way before, but we could make out to
see the fence posts now. We started a whispered
conversation, but suddenly Clarence broke off and
said :
"What is that?"
"What is what?"
"That thing yonder?"
" What thing— where?"
" There beyond you a little piece — a dark something
— a dull shape of some kind — against the second
fence."
I gazed and he gazed. I said :
"Could it be a man, Clarence?"
" No, I think not. If you notice, it looks a lit—
why, it is a man ! — leaning on the fence."
" I certainly believe it is ; let us go and see."
We crept along on our hands and knees until we
were pretty close, and then looked up. Yes, it was a
man — a dim great figure in armor, standing erect,
with both hands on the upper wire — and of course
there was a smell of burning flesh. Poor fellow, dead
as a door-nail, and never knew what hurt him. He
stood there like a statue — no motion about him, ex
cept that his plumes swished about a little in the
night wind. We rose up and looked in through the
bars of his visor, but couldn't make out whether we
knew him or not — features too dim and shadowed.
We heard muffled sounds approaching, and we sank
down to the ground where we were. We made out
another knight vaguely ; he was coming very stealth-
424
ily, and feeling his way. He was near enough, now,
for us to see him put out a hand, find an upper wire,
then bend and step under it and over the lower one.
Now he arrived at the first knight — and started slightly
when he discovered him. He stood a moment — no
doubt wondering why the other one didn't move on ;
then he said, in a low voice, " Why dreamest thou
here, good Sir Mar — " then he laid his hand on the
corpse's shoulder — and just uttered a little soft moan
and sunk down dead. Killed by a dead man, you see
—killed by a dead friend, in fact. There was some
thing awful about it.
These early birds came scattering along after each
other, about one every five minutes in our vicinity,
during half an hour. They brought no armor of of
fence but their swords ; as a rule they carried the
sword ready in the hand, and put it forward and found
the wires with it. We would now and then see a
blue spark when the knight that caused it was so far
away as to be invisible to us ; but we knew what had
happened, all the same; poor fellow, he had touched
a charged wire with his sword and been elected. We
had brief intervals of grim stillness, interrupted with
piteous regularity by the clash made by the falling of
an iron-clad ; and this sort of thing was going on,
right along, and was very creepy, there in the dark
and lonesomeness.
We concluded to make a tour between the inner
fences. We elected to walk upright, for convenience
sake ; we argued that if discerned, we should be taken
for friends rather than enemies, and in any case we
should be out of reach of swords, and these gentry
did not seem to have any spears along. Well, it was
425
a curious trip. Everywhere dead men were lying out
side the second fence — not plainly visible, but still
visible ; and we counted fifteen of those pathetic stat
ues — dead knights standing with their hands on the
upper wire.
One thing seemed to be sufficiently demonstrated :
our current was so tremendous that it killed before
the victim could cry out. Pretty soon we detected a
muffled and heavy sound, and next moment we
guessed what it was. It was a surprise in force com
ing ! I whispered Clarence to go and wake the
army, and notify it to wait in silence in the cave for
further orders. He was soon back, and we stood by
the inner fence and watched the silent lightning do
its awful work upon that swarming host. One could
make out but little of detail ; but he could note that
a black mass was piling itself up beyond the second
fence. That swelling bulk was dead men ! Our camp
was enclosed with a solid wall of the dead — a bulwark,
a breastwork, of corpses, you may say. One terrible
thing about this thing was the absence of human
voices ; there were no cheers, no war cries : being in
tent upon a surprise, these men moved as noiseless
ly as they could ; and always when the front rank
was near enough to their goal to make it proper
for them to begin to get a shout ready, of course
they struck the fatal line and went down without tes
tifying.
I sent a current through the third fence, now ; and
almost immediately through the fourth and fifth, so
quickly were the gaps filled up. I believed the time
was come, now, for my climax ; I believed that that
whole army was in our trap. Anyway, it was high
426
time to find out. So I touched a button and set fifty
electric suns aflame on the top of our precipice.
Land, what a sight ! We were enclosed in three
walls of dead men ! All the other fences were pretty
nearly filled with the living, who were stealthily work
ing their way forward through the wires. The sudden
glare paralyzed this host, petrified them, you may say,
with astonishment ; there was just one instant for me
to utilize their immobility in, and I didn't lose the
chance. You see, in another instant they would have
recovered their faculties, then they'd have burst into
a cheer and made a rush, and my wires would have
gone down before it ; but that lost instant lost them
their opportunity forever ; while even that slight frag
ment of time was still unspent, I shot the current
through all the fences and struck the whole host dead
in their tracks ! There was a groan you could hear !
It voiced the death-pang of eleven thousand men. It
swelled out on the night with awful pathos.
A glance showed that the rest of the enemy — per
haps ten thousand strong — were between us and the
encircling ditch, and pressing forward to the assault.
Consequently we had them all! and had them past
help. Time for the last act of the tragedy. I fired
the three appointed revolver shots — which meant :
" Turn on the water !"
There was a sudden rush and roar, and in a minute
the mountain brook was raging through the big ditch
and creating a river a hundred feet wide and twenty-
five deep.
" Stand to your guns, men ! Open fire !"
The thirteen gatlings began to vomit death into the
fated ten thousand. They halted, they stood their
427
ground a moment against that withering deluge of
fire, then they broke, faced about and swept toward
the ditch like chaff before a gale. A full fourth part
of their force never reached the top of the lofty em
bankment ; the three-fourths reached it and plunged
over — to death by drowning.
Within ten short minutes after we had opened fire,
armed resistance was totally annihilated, the campaign
was ended, we fifty-four were masters of England !
Twenty-five thousand men lay dead around us.
But how treacherous is fortune ! In a little while —
say an hour — happened a thing, by my own fault,
which — but I have no heart to write that. Let the
record end here.
CHAPTER XLIV
A POSTSCRIPT BY CLARENCE
I, CLARENCE, must write it for him. He proposed
that we two go out and see if any help could be af
forded the wounded. I was strenuous against the
project. I said that if there were many, we could do
but little for them ; and it would not be wise for us to
trust ourselves among them, anyway. But he could
seldom be turned from a purpose once formed ; so we
shut off the electric current from the fences, took an
escort along, climbed over the enclosing ramparts of
dead knights, and moved out upon the field. The first
wounded man who appealed for help, was sitting with
his back against a dead comrade. When The Boss
bent over him and spoke to him, the man recognized
him and stabbed him. That knight was Sir Melia-
graunce, as I found out by tearing off his helmet. He
will not ask for help any more.
We carried The Boss to the cave and gave his
wound, which was not very serious, the best care we
could. In this service we had the help of Merlin,
though we did not J<now it. He was disguised as a
woman, and appeared to be a simple old peasant
goodwife. In this disguise, with brown-stained face
and smooth shaven, he had appeared a few days after
The Boss was hurt, and offered to cook for us, saying
429
her people had gone off to join certain new camps
which the enemy were forming, and that she was
starving. The Boss had been getting along very well,
and had amused himself with finishing up his record.
We were glad to have this woman, for we were
short handed. We were in a trap, you see — a trap of
our own making. If we stayed where we were, our
dead would kill us; if we moved out of our defences,
we should no longer be invincible. We had con
quered ; in turn we were conquered. The Boss rec
ognized this ; we all recognized it. If we could go to
one of those new camps and patch up some kind of
terms with the enemy — yes, but The Boss could not
go, and neither could I, for I was among the first that
were made sick by the poisonous air bred by those
dead thousands. Others were taken down, and still
others. To-morrow —
To-morroiu. It is here. And with it the end.
About midnight I awoke, and saw that hag making
curious passes in the air about The Boss's head and
face, and wondered what it meant. Everybody but
the dynamo-watch lay steeped in sleep ; there was no
sound. The woman ceased from her mysterious fool
ery, and started tip-toeing toward the door. I called
out —
"Stop! What have you been doing?"
She halted, and said with an accent of malicious sat
isfaction :
" Ye were conquerors ; ye are conquered ! These
others are perishing — you also. Ye shall all die in
this place — every one — except him. He sleepeth,
now — and shall sleep thirteen centuries. I am Mer
lin !"
43Q
Then such a delirium of silly laughter overtook him
that he reeled about like a drunken man, and pres
ently fetched up against one of our wires. His mouth
is spread open yet ; apparently he is still laughing. I
suppose the face will retain that petrified laugh until
the corpse turns to dust.
The Boss has never stirred — sleeps like a stone. If
he does not wake to-day we shall understand what
kind of a sleep it is, and his body will then be borne
to a place in one of the remote recesses of the cave
where none will ever find it to desecrate it. As for
the rest of us — well, it is agreed that if any one of us
ever escapes alive from this place, he will write the
fact here, and loyally hide this Manuscript with The
Boss, our dear good chief, whose property it is, be he
alive or dead.
END OF THE MANUSCRIPT
FINAL P. S. BY M. T.
THE dawn was come when I laid the Manuscript
aside. The rain had almost ceased, the world was
gray and sad, the exhausted storm was sighing and
sobbing itself to rest. I went to the stranger's room,
and listened at his door, which was slightly ajar. I
could hear his voice, and so I knocked. There was no
answer, but I still heard the voice. I peeped in. The
man lay on his back, in bed, talking brokenly but
with spirit, and punctuating with his arms, which he
thrashed about, restlessly, as sick people do in deliri
um. I slipped in softly and bent over him. His mut-
terings and ejaculations went on. I spoke — merely
a word, to call his attention. His glassy eyes and his
ashy face were alight in an instant with pleasure,
gratitude, gladness, welcome :
" O, Sandy, you are come at last — how I have
longed for you ! Sit by me — do not leave me — never
leave me again, Sandy, never again. Where is your
hand ? — give it me, dear, let me hold it — there — now
all is well, all is peace, and I am happy again — we are
happy again, isn't it so, Sandy ? You are so dim, so
vague, you are but a mist, a cloud, but you are here,
and that is blessedness sufficient; and I have your
hand ; don't take it away — it is for only a little while,
I shall not require it long Was that the child?
432
.... Hello-Central! . . . She doesn't answer. Asleep,
perhaps ? Bring her when she wakes, and let me touch
her hands, her face, her hair, and tell her good-bye.
Sandy ! Yes, you are there. I lost my
self a moment, and I thought you were gone. . . Have
I been sick long? It must be so; it seems months
to me. And such dreams ! such strange and awful
dreams, Sandy! Dreams that were as real as reality
— delirium, of course, but so real ! Why, I thought
the king was dead, I thought you were in Gaul and
couldn't get home, I thought there was a revolution ;
in the fantastic frenzy of these dreams, I thought that
Clarence and I and a handful of my cadets fought
and exterminated the whole chivalry of England!
But even that was not the strangest. I seemed to be
a creature out of a remote unborn age, centuries
hence, and even that was as real as the rest ! Yes, I
seemed to have flown back out of that age into this
of ours, and then forward to it again, and was set
down, a stranger and forlorn in that strange England,
with an abyss of thirteen centuries yawning between
me and you ! between me and my home and my
friends ! between me and all that is dear to me, all
that could make life worth the living! It was awful
— awfuler than you can ever imagine, Sandy. Ah,
watch by me, Sandy — stay by me every moment —
dont let me go out of my mind a^ain ; death is
nothing, let it come, but not with those dreams, not
with the torture of those hideous dree.ms — I cannot
endure tliat again Sandy ? "
He lay muttering incoherently some little time;
then for a time he lay silent, and apparently sinking
away toward death. Presently his fingers began to
433
pick busily at the coverlet, and by that sign I knew
that his end was at hand. With the first suggestion
of the death-rattle in his throat he started up slightly,
and seemed to listen ; then he said :
"A bugle? It is the king! The draw
bridge, there! Man the battlements! — turn out
the—"
He was getting up his last " effect ;" but he never
finished it.
THE END
TCH*f%^
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